The OrkinMan's Page of Complete Stupidity

Howdy, and welcome to my page of irrelevance, idiocy, and good ol' fashioned stupidity. Now there's a damn good reason the page you have before you is available for any shmoe with a computer to see; I'm bored, it's 1 in the morning, and I can't get to sleep. That's a damn good reason if I've ever heard. Before you continue, I'd like to apologize in advance as reading the contents of this may actually make you dumber.

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6/21/00
Well, here's my first post of the supposed new millenium. Doesn't seem any more special than the old ones, but hey, what do I know? This is an old page that I just moved, because after a while, I began to realize that AOL sucks. Anyway, below, you'll find some of my older posts. They'll have to suffice for now, cuz I'm feeling too lazy for a real post right now. So enjoy the old, recycled fun for now and I'll try to give you something new before too long.

6/27/99
I'd like to begin with a list of reasons this page sucks, but we don't always get to do what we'd like to, so screw that. Hey, if you're Canadian, what the hell do you peeps call our bacon? Cuz our ham is "bacon" to you guys, right? But if ham is "bacon", our bacon can't be "bacon" too. "American bacon" just sounds bad, and calling it "ham" would be pointless cuz then you could just call ham, ham like we do. Or are you guys just being bastards and trying to be rebels by calling your ham a different thing than we do? Oh well, if someone would tell me, I'd appreciate it. Same thing goes to anybody who knows what the hell polka dots have to do with the polka. I'd like to acknowledge my gripe with England right now. First they tax our colonists without our representation in Parliament, then we have to bail them out in WWII, and now, they attack our country with the Spice Girls, teletubbies, and Five! Damn them, haven't we dealt with enough??? By the way, I've never gotten high off of a Band-Aid at 3 in the morning, just in case you've heard things about me. Ooops, I've already said to much. You didn't hear nothin from nobody.
I was just wondering, if a tree falls in a forest and nobody's around to hear it, why would anybody really give a damn? And if the early bird gets the worm, wouldn't the early bird get eaten by the early cat?

7/6
Well, thanx to the work of a friend, I have discovered that Canadians call our bacon- drumroll please...............................................................................................................bacon. They call their ham, bacon. They call their bacon, bacon. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? I feel empty inside. I spend all this time wondering what they call their bacon, and it's friggin bacon! How can they call ham and bacon the same thing?? One's ham, one's bacon! They're not the same!!! I feel I need to complain to the Canadian government about this blatant injustice to bacon.
Anyway, I'd like to discuss another thing that's been bothering me. And that's butts. Yes, butts. A person doesn't have 1 butt, people have 2 butts. Why you ask? Think about it. "Butt" is short for buttock, correct? Well, you (unless you're a war vet with a metal plate instead- I thank you for your sacrifice) have 2 buttocks. So logically, you have 2 butts. I'm sure there are those who would disagree and tell me that "butt" is short for buttocks, but if it's plural, you can't just magically take off the "s", so nuts to you! I'd appreciate it if people were to use the proper form of the word like so: "My butts are killing me".........."Geez, what a pain in the butts!".........Together, we can bring back the dignity the word "butt" deserves. Thank you for your time.

7/26
To anybody who's actually visited here multiple times (bless your souls) and are wondering about the lack of updates, no, I'm not dead. Just lazy as hell. Anyway, today I'd like to point out a birthplace of evil that is being overlooked......FLORIDA . Yes, Florida. It seems harmless enough with its oranges, alligators, and old people, but in reality it spews out crappy music day after day. The Backstreet Boys are from where? FLORIDA. Members of NSYNC and Britney Spears were, ugh, Mickey Mouseketeers at where? FLORIDA. Were it not for Florida (and England, directly responsible for the demons known as Five and Boyzone), the people of this once noble and proud country could walk in an annoying boy band-free environment. This is a low point in our country's history.

7/30
Don't have much to say, but if you've got more time to kill, here's a couple of links to keep you entertained: The Onion & Red Meat

8/25
Hey, check out my new Scratch N' Sniff feature. Just scratch where you're told to, put your nose up to it and give it a big whiff:

SCRATCH HERE

Smells just like a computer screen, huh?! Amazing what you can do with technology these days. Is anyone as dissappointed as I am about the new Mentos ad campaign? I mean, yeah, they were cheesy as all hell, but how could they take out the "dooo-dooo-dooo-dooo-dooo-dooo, dooo-wahhhhh" music??? THAT'S WHAT MAKES MENTOS, MENTOS!! The only reason I ever bought the damn things was to walk around town and make and ass of myself like they do in the commercials. But I can't do that anymore! I certainly hope someone was fired for that. From now on, I'm turning to Tic-Tacs for my freshmaking needs.

9/6
SHH!!! Listen. Listen carefully. You hear that? That's the sound of evil. That's the sound of school starting back up. Yup, it's September, and that means young whippersnappers like myself have to head back to the learning prison and get homework up the wazoo. The temporary freedom is over. For 8 hours a day, no TV, no movies, no lounging, no dancing naked on the highway with a purple ducky inner tube and muffins in your ears. Free country my ass.


Now I felt because of the somewhat pointless content of this, I should include an educational segment (if any of my teachers are reading this, stop that laughing!). So without futher ado, I present to you:

The OrkinMan's Big Block o' Smartness!

For my first segment, I thought I'd teach a few handy phrases in Spanish (Kids, write these down and impress your parents!):
1. Las nalgas est�n en fuego. (My buttocks are on fire.)
2. T� tortuga ha tomado mi ronpopo. Quiero una disculpa. (Your turtle has taken my eggnog. I want an apology.)
3. Esa no es Bob Dole, esa es una patata, tonto. (That's not Bob Dole, that's a potato, stupid.)

You see, learning can be fun!

For my second segment, I decided to enrich your mind with (forgive me) some math exercises. Let's get started:
1. Train A leaves New York at 8:30AM while traveling 150 mph. Train B leaves Los Angeles at 9:15AM while traveling 170 mph. If the two trains collide in St. Louis, which is twice as far from Los Angeles as it is from New York, how drunk is the conductor of Train A?
2. Jeremy has 3 apples. Billy has 7 apples. Billy steals one of Jeremy's apples and eats it. If Jeremy gets pissed and throws one of his remaining apples at Billy, hitting him square in the groin, how much time will Jeremy have to run away before Billy recovers and beats the crap out of him?
3. Allison buys an ice cream cone with two scoops. Each scoop is 8 cubic inches. The cone is 5 inches high and its radius is 1 inch. That reminds me, I'm hungry. Screw this, I'm gettin me some ice cream.

That's all the enriching information I can possibly provide for now.

Click here to chat with other bored, misguided fools like yourself!

On a side note, I eat, sleep, and breathe hockey and I'd just like to say that the San Jose Sharks and Joe Sakic rule all. I'd like to close by saying that the Simpsons, the Offspring and Everclear all kick muchas nalgas. Well, if you have any comments or have anymore insight about Canadians and bacon, e-mail me with the link below or if you're on AOL, feel free to send me an Instant Message.

If you had enough spare time to read this whole damn thing, you've got enough time to view or sign my guestbook. C'mon, prove to me that real people are actually reading this.

You are now one of people who has had what is obviously way too much time on their hands if they made it all the way down here.