Britney Spears may appear to be the girl who has it all, young, beautiful, busty, rich and to top it all American. However the expensively produced videos and glossy photos hide Britney's ongoing battle against chronic halitosis, which is causing not only social aostracization but financial stress as huge percentages of her fortune disappear on tic-tac's and polo mints. A reliance upon such sugar based props has only added to the ailing singers oral difficulties and her now rotting and yellow teeth have to be painted white with a thin layer of tip-ex before each of her celebrity performances.
Spears
- Rubbish coming out of her mouth.
Obtaining an interview with the now reclusive singer obviously posed significant difficulties and was only possible via a secret meeting in an internet chat-room, for the sake of completeness I shall now include a transcript of the discussion, I feel it's content shall speak for itself. I went under the name of C.G. and she was B.S.
C.G.- Hi Britney, it's wonderful that we have this time together, it's only a shame that it has to be via this rather impersonal medium.
B.S.- Yes I know but unfortunately it is absolutely necessary, I have not talked to anyone other than a family member directly in over a year.
C.G.- That's awful surely you must be going out of your mind, have you imposed this isolation voluntarily in order to permit your musical style to mature and deepen?
B.S.- Well that will be a silver lining surrounding this dark episode, the truth is that it has simply become too embarrassing to venture out.
C.G.- Embarrassing?
B.S.- Yes, people were starting to talk behind my back, given more time I'm sure I would have developed into a global laughing stock only by becoming a recluse have I managed to save my face.
C.G.- What were they talking about?
B.S.- Well it all started when my new hectic lifestyle led to a disintegration in my diet, I found myself eating less and less fruit and vegetables and drinking expensive red wine instead of my usual pure bottled water.
C.G.- That can only be expected, sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of fame, surely the consequences can't have been that great.
B.S.- Yes well that's what I thought and initially I got away with it, however soon my stomach was giving uncontrollable grumbles and nauseous gasses were bubbling to the surface.
C.G.- Oh, that's nasty, when did people start to notice?
B.S.- Well I was being interviewed by Donna Air on MTV and she suddenly noticed a faint smell of rotten eggs, I passed it off as the packed lunch my mum had prepared for me, however from that moment I knew my secret was out.
C.G.- With your vast monetary resources could you not have turned to medical science for a solution?
B.S.- I tried, however my digestive tract proved to be beyond them. I was in and out of hospitals and clinics for several weeks before they told me that they could do nothing, it was at that point that I turned to mint snacks.
C.G.- Mint snacks?
B.S.- Yea, I can just about keep my problem in check by getting through a packet of mints every half an hour. I get it at wholesale prices and am currently negotiating a sponsorship deal with Wrigley's which should see me through until 2003.
Wrigley's
- A girls best friend?
C.G.- Is this a successful solution?
B.S.- Yes and no, I still don't have complete freedom of movement however it is now possible for me to make limited celebrity appearances between mint top-up's.
C.G.- How's the breath at the moment?
B.S.- Totally rancid, I have stopped noticing myself, but the giveaway is when the cat starts to run away from me.
C.G.- Our sympathies, we hope you get through this difficult time and emerge on the other side smelling of roses.
B.S.- Thanks, you won't tell anyone any of this will you?
Glitter - Sorry we
can't oblige.
Hawking-'Sod
the universe-I fancy some drugs'.
Topp
- RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK.