Note: If you're thinking about becoming upset with me, please read my disclaimer, just so you know that I've left you no openings to sue me. Heh. (Tis the funniest thing on this page so far, thinks I.)
Food for Thought:
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Submitted by: Deathfyre
The Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads:The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Genius, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Submitted by: RASpberries
Blonde Jokes
Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?To remind them Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "Because your it's your finger that's is broken!"
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
A brunette is standing on some train tracks,jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22".
How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular
one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
A blonde decides she's tired of all the jokes and disrespect and dyes
her hair brown. Sure enough, she finds people take her more seriously.
One day she goes out in the country and sees a shepherd with his flock.
She is taken by how cute the sheep are, and so she stops and goes up
to the shepherd and says: "If I can tell you how many sheep are in your
flock, can I have one for a pet?"
The shepherd agrees, thinking that there is no way he's going to lose
a sheep, but with a wild guess she hits the right number, so he lets her
go out into the flock and pick out her pet. As she comes back to
the fence, the shepherd says: "If I can tell you what color your
hair was before you died it brown, can I have my dog back?"
Submitted by: RASpberries
Scam?!?
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested ..... for arson.Submitted by: Mr. Anonymous
Good, Bad, Worse...
Note: Contains adult content.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Submitted by: Mr. Anonymous
"Battlefield" Conversion?
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Please help me!"At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Submitted by: Mr. Anonymous
An Ohioan's Winter Diary Entries
Note: Contains swearing. Lots. The poor Ohioans hadn't gotten much snow before this.
It started snowing; the first of the season and the wife and I prepared some wonderful cocktails and sat by the window watching the beautiful soft flakes float placidly down all over the scene before us. What a lovely sight to behold!
December 9th
We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time in years and loved it. So exhilarating! I shovelled both the driveway and the sidewalks. Later a snow plow came by and covered our sidewalks and part of the drive, so I shovelled it once again.
December 11th
The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Oh well, I am sure we will get some more before this lovely winter is through.
December 12th
It snowed 10 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. I went outside and shovelled the driveway and sidewalks. The snow plow came through and did it's trick again.
December 13th
It snowed another 8 inches last night. I went out once again to shovel. The plow came by again and you guessed it! So I shovelled again. Pondering the thought of selling the station wagon and getting a 4x4.
December 14th
Well it's still snowing. It snowed another 6 inches last night. I sold the station wagon today and bought a 4x4 blazer so I now can drive in the snow. Bought snow tires for the wife's car.
December 16th
It stopped snowing, now we have freezing rain. Went outside and fell on my ass on the driveway. Luckily, all I hurt were my feelings.
December 17th
Stopped raining, the temperature is 28 below zero, and it is starting to snow again.
December 18th
Still colder than a well digger's ass (22 below in the a.m.) and the icy roads make for very white-knuckled driving.
December 20th
We had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shovelling in store for me today. The God damn snow plow came by twice today.
December 22nd
We will be assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of that crap fell today and with the freezing weather it probably won't melt until August. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, long johns, snowmobile suit, scarf, earmuffs, hat, goggles, and gloves), then I got a wicked urge to piss.
December 23rd
I was going to go ice-fishing today but the worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my fuckin' bait.
December 24th
If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the damn snow plow, I'll drag him bare-assed through the snow by his balls. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shovelling and then comes down the street at 100 miles per hour, just to see how far he can throw that white shit back on to my lawn and driveway.
December 25th
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Ho Ho fuckin' Ho! The weather man predicts 20 more inches of this white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many shovels full of this white shit 20 inches really is?
ASSHOLES!!! Fuck Santa, He doesn't have to bust his balls shovelling this shit. He has his elves do it for him. The snow plow driver came by today and asked for a donation for toys for tots. I wrapped him so fuckin' hard upside his head with my snow shovel... it'll be Christmas in July before the son-of-a-bitch remembers his name.
December 26th
Guess who in hell got 28 inches of snow last night? I think that I'm going blind or getting severe cabin fever because the wife is starting to look really fine to me!
December 27th
- Note: This is the birthday of this
page's creator! Mail me gifts
or else go
here.
December 28th
It was so cold last night all the water pipes froze. I should probably sell tickets so my neighbors can ice skate in my living room. Damn it! This sucks.
December 29th
I set fire to the house today; now let's see that white shit cling to my roof!!!
Submitted by: Mr. Anonymous
Hey! You're peeking where you ain't supposed to be, buster. Who do you think you are, anyway? Going and scrolling off-limits like that. Sheesh. That's it. Go to the penalty box.
This is a dead end.