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A STORY
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it. The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it. The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious, but it was so deep that he had to actually put all of his body into the pond to reach the sausage - he found it very tasty. The moral of the story is... The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!
A CATS DIARY
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.
A CASE FOR MORE BEER
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
A DAY IN HELL
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon....
Demon: Why so glum chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks. Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! Guy: Gee that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking. Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember? Guy: Wow...that's...awesome! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling. Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow. Demon: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!! Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh no. Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
MALE STRIPPER
The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .
The Chili Tester
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
MORE FUN
As an art teacher for an elementary school here in Jacksonville, Florida, one of my recent assignments for the children was to enter a contest that our new national football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting. The winning artwork gets placed on the back of the season tickets, so I encouraged the children to come up with a good logo and a colorful creation. One innocent little girl was so enthused about her masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar that read, "You're messin' with the wrong pussy."
While waiting for the final voter recount in Florida, media services questioned the two major presidential candidates today. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.
A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."
(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visual first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it) Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also stretched wide open. Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (use visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!
What's green and has wheels? A Frog I lied about the wheels
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
COUGHT CHEETING Oo
MEET BRADI,
AFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK HE COMES HOME TO HIS TRAILER PARK HOME TO FIND HIS WIFE IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN THEN HIS CONCHENSES COMES INTO PLAY
Ok ok calm down, fuck that shit you just cought this bitch cheating cut off her head! wow wow! maybe theres a reason for all this ,, ya ok what dre? she fell triped and laned on his dick...?
Put on your bras, shave your armpits and quit your bitching. Why do so many women insist on carrying out this war against men? Absolute gender equality isn't going to happen; we have gender equality now. Even if in a million years, men and women somehow made this unrealistic ideal happen, there will always be a sexual distinction between men and women causing some sort of inequality (if only on the level of basic physical needs). Or should I say women and men, as not to imply a male superiority? Why the hell should people go out of their way to be politically correct and use this "he/she" nonsense so a few chicks with language complexes won't be offended? Oops, I said "chicks". Damn. Why the hell do women get offended when they're called chicks? I don't see how that word can be remotely offensive in anyway. But, some women think it's derogatory and belittling. Some women are so petty, that they resent any male implication in the english language. Who cares? What if guys suddenly felt like bitching and wanted to eradicate all the derogatory male phrases from the language? Buster, Pal, Buddy, Stud, Hunk. Oooh, don't call me a buster, I'll be offended. Who's to say what's offensive anyway? Just because a few feminist extremists think that something's offensive, does the whole society have to change their way of doing things? I don't want mother nature being called mother nature anymore, but rather father nature. I don't want ships to be referred to as female anymore, but rather male. The phrase "she's a good ship" offends me. I don't want liberty to be a lady. Why does it have to be lady liberty? Why do people say "she's beautiful" when referring to cars? Why not he? Who cares? It's just the way things have always been. It's not meant to be offensive, so why doesn't the offended party pull their head out of their ass, and stop bitching about it. Why there will never be absolute gender equality is because of the inherent contradictions between equality and liberty. For example, if a guy wanted to say a joke about women at work, or hung pornography in the work place, it would make the women work in an environment that may seem hostile to them. If someone at work frequently referred to women as chicks, and a woman was offended by it, the woman would then be working in a hostile environment. If a woman wants to be treated equally in the work place, then she shouldn't be offended at what guys usually talk about. I think it's unreasonable for all women to be content with whatever people do at work, and for guys to go out of their way to change their lifestyles to conform to what's politically correct. It's impossible to live your life without being offended at something. Violence, foul language, pornography, sex, religion, whatever it is, you're bound to be offended by it sooner or later. So rather than bitching about it, just deal with it and move on. Men aren't out to get women; we're not the bad guys. Why would anyone do anything that's degrading to themselves? Would you strip down in front of a crowd of people? Probably not. But would you do it if they were paying you $250 per hour? Or if they paid you $1000 per hour? Maybe then. It doesn't seem so degrading when there's a huge incentive for you to do it. So why do some feminist extremists think pornography is degrading to women? Obviously the women in pornography don't think it's degrading, otherwise they wouldn't do it. Their dignity has a price, and they were willing to sell it. They don't represent all women in general, but only the few who chose to go into that business, just as women who choose not to go into pornography don't represent the women who do. So the phrase "pornography is degrading to women" doesn't make sense. What's the point of not shaving your armpits and not wearing your bras? If you like yourself better with hairy armpits, then by all means don't shave. But if you're not shaving to make some stupid point, you'r a fool. Nobody cares. You won't be a social outcast if you don't shave your armpits. Same thing goes for not wearing a bra. If you'd rather not wear a bra, then don't. If you want to walk around in public without your shirt on, then by all means do it. I'm sure most guys wouldn't mind. If you want that kind of attention, then walk around naked. It won't help your image with men that already think of women as little more than sex objects. What straight man wouldn't like to see a nude woman? I think women, nude or not, are attractive, as do most guys. I'd consider someone looking at me in admiration more of a compliment than anything else. Some feminists go ballistic when a guy looks at her breasts. Why? Not wearing a bra just draws more attention to a woman's breasts. While women shouldn't have to worry about some pervert always staring at them, it's bound to happen. Wait.. I've got an idea. If you don't like guys staring at your breasts, WEAR A BRA. It's hard not to notice a girl when she has a pair of daggers poking out of her chest. I referred to nipples as daggers.. Oops. There I go again, offending you crazy feminists. While most guys don't practice self-dicipline and don't respect women enough not to stare at their breasts, a woman shouldn't go ape shit when she catches a guy looking at her. Most women try to accentuate parts of their body that men find attractive anyway. Is this so bad? Who doesn't like to feel attractive? While it can be overdone, it's really been blown out of proportion by feminist extremists. Feminism is in a lot of ways like fascism. Your average Fascist will disregard any scientific argument unless the conclusion supports his existing belief. The ideology comes first and the Fascist looks for anything to back it up, no matter how trivial, unreliable or discredited. Much like today's feminists and their ideology. Fascists attempt to rationalize their beliefs and portray them as truth by twisting the facts. A fascist might, for example, cast blame for unemployment and work discontent on immigrants "stealing" their jobs. Feminists similarly cast blame for women's lower average pay onto another party (men). Both feminists and fascists are quick to cast blame on someone else for anything that goes wrong in their lives. Most feminists seem to conform to feminist stereotypes. I can usually pick out a feminist in a croud of women. She'll usually have short hair, regular pants, a regular shirt, and an unbathed look; she'll look very much like a stereotypical guy. I think why a feminist might appear like this is to make a statement that "if men can do it and be accepted, then women should be able to". How bold, to go around and look like a stereotypical guy as opposed to a stereotypical girl. Who cares? Either way, you're an ass for thinking anybody cares about the statement you're making. If you're trying to prove a point to the average guy that's only concerned with women as sex objects, you're wasting your time. A guy that's concerned with women as sex objects is going to be concerned with women as sex objects regardless of how you look. Not every woman will share feminist ideals, so a possible argument that "if all women did it, then guys would have to respect us" isn't very realistic. If you really want to make a point, surgically remove your breasts. Or is that going too far? Feminism serves as nothing more than a wedge to further seperate the sexes, segregating men and women into cultures that wouldn't otherwise exist. I'm pretty damn sick of hearing feminists bitch about men being paid more then women. If 100 male chemical engineers that worked for fortune 500 companies were compared to 100 female chemical engineers that worked for fortune 500 companies, their pay would probably be the same, if not very close. If it were not, then sexual discrimination would probably be a good candidate as to why it's not. The reason why women get paid less than men on average is because women and men simply prefer different occupations, and different lifestyles. If a woman decides to have a child, chances are that she would end up taking more time off from work to take care of her child than would a guy (if only for child labor alone). It's unfair, but usually the case. Women are usually more family oriented, and nurturing, while men are usually less sensitive and work oriented. All this is of course changing, but it's to be expected that women get paid less than men. If for example, pay for men in the armed forces was compared to pay for women in the armed forces, the men would probably swamp the women in pay comparison simply because of the militariy's past male domination & segregation policies. That does not necessarily imply the same segregation today. I work at a telemarketing company. I'm a network operator. I've been with the company for almost 4 years (3 yrs, 9 months), and I get paid less than almost every woman in my facility, except for two. I get paid less than people with only a fraction of the experience I have. I'm living proof that not all women get paid less than men. Bottom line: feminazis, stop your bitching. It's nobody's fault but yours if you can't do as well as a man. Take responsibility for your own life.
Lets impeach the horny bastard! So he got his knob shined in the white house, nobody's business but his, right? Wrong. People don't have sex on accident. That draft dodging horny bastard screwed that supreme whore, Monica Lewinsky, and now he's looking for sympathy?! Wake up you jerks. He doesn't need sympathy. He needs to be flogged, like in the good days when presidents were flogged on a daily basis, just to keep them in line. Now everything is politically correct and user friendly. To hell with it, I say. Things should be harder to understand, harder to use, and as painful as possible. Pain builds character. If you got caught screwing around on the job, you'd probably get fired, and so would I. Why should he get away with it? What about his wife and daughter? Does anyone care about them anymore? Or do they have to have a drunken orgy in order to get sympathy? Why is everything so ass backwards these days? He screwed up, lied under oath, and continues to play the definition game with every word he says. If he couldn't resist the temptation of screwing around with that slutty intern, then who's to say that he'd be able to resist greater temptations, like bribes or political favors? He should be impeached because he's a horny old man, and then he should be banished to Cuba so he can hang out with his commie friend Castro. I hear they have great cigars down there.. then he can have all the kinky sex he want. That pedophile.
People are always bitching about violence on TV. I recently had the misfortune of watching TV (bad idea), and now I see why they're bitching: there's not enough violence on TV! Man, everything on TV sucks. It's hard to explain how bad it is. To help you get the idea, imagine a fat, blistered, zit covered ass. Now keep that image in your head for 6 hours. That's what it's like to watch TV. Okay, that was bad, I apologize. Anyway, we need more violence on TV, because what's on now is weak. Nobody wants to watch 'Friends,' with some asshole that calls himself "Chandler" or whatever the hell his name is. That's bullshit. I say we have a show where it's just a guy that runs over people. What's that? You say that's a lame idea? Oh.. well I say "go to hell." So anyway, back to my car idea. This guy runs over people because he feels like he should give back to the community by cutting down its population. If we had a few shows like Rambo on TV all the time, things would be a lot better. All those dipshits bitching about violence having an adverse affect on youth need to pull their heads out of their ass. Violence builds character, everyone needs violence every once in a while to keep them in check. We don't want to raise a nation of wimps. I'm too tired to continue this bullshit.
Why Litter? Why Not? Man, I love to throw shit out the window while I'm driving. There's nothing more satisfying than throwing garbage everywhere, and letting everything go to waste. Seriously, I say it's time people felt good again about who they are: lazy bastards. Let's face it. People are lazy. For example, there's this guy at my work that comes in every day bragging about what a good parking spot he has. Oh wait, that's me. Getting a good parking spot kicks ass. Why should I walk a few extra feet to the door when I can drive around in the parking lot for 20 minutes until a good spot opens up? Walking is for suckers. I thought of a good idea the other day: I wanted to take a big chunk of America and make it a garbage dump. We could call the garbage dump a state, and hire some jackass as governor. Governor jackass could then make a whole bunch of shitty changes like inviting the winter 2002 olympics to the state, and then he could implement a costly new light-rail system that nobody can use. Then, we could raise taxes to help fund all these crazy ideas, and call the state Utah. Man I hate Utah. What does this have to do with littering? Hell if I know.
Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Learn to stare with that "I'm undressing you" look. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other women at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find our what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Gain an understanding about the use of cups and the term `blueballs.� 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. AND....the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...... 1. Get a blow job.
30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.... 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
30 Ways To Confuse Santa: Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your living room. Explain that you've been having problems with termites. Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say, "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?" While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on. Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney. Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with whipped cream. Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is, light a bunch of firecrackers and throw them onto the roof. The explosions should make quite a mess, and maybe scare the reindeer away, too. If so, offer to loan Santa your car. Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living room. Get Santa to help you put it together. Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have pictures on them of things like Santa getting hit in the head with a large rock, or Santa catching his beard on fire. Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled "Rat Poison." Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write "Yummy Cookies." When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents. Have boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human Skull." If Santa asks, explain that they're for needy children. Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your lane. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and then put up your fists and say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Top 30 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Man 1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 6. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 7. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 8. Chocolate is just another snack. 9. You can be president. 10. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 11. Foreplay is optional. 12. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 13. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 14. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 15. The world is your urinal. 16. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 17. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. 18. Same work... more pay. 19. Wrinkles add character. 20. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 21. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 22. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 23. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 24. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 25. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 26. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 27. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 28. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 29. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 30. One mood, all the time.
Some Short Jokes
A man walks into a clock shop, Looks around and sees a good looking Girl behind the counter He walks up to the counter, puts his cock on top of the counter. The Girl tells him sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop. The Man said, yes I know but I still want two hands and a face on it.
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful. Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "bucket of Hillary" -Consisted of two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings.
A GOLFER IN PAIN
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his ?pain?. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!," she told him earnestly. "Oomph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ?ease his pain?. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!
A bad mistake
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Corporate Sports
Read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to: 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. 3. The sport of choice for front line workers is football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers and professionals is golf. The amazing conclusion is the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
A pain in the ass
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.
FUNNY POMES =/
1)May you live as long as you want to; May you want to as long as you live. If I'm asleep when you want to, wake me; If I'm awake and don't want to, make me. Here's to you, I'm glad that I metcha, And now that I met you, I'm glad that I letcha, And now that I letcha, I betcha I'd letcha again. Here's to the drink that creates fire, Here's to the drink that creates desire. Not the kind that burns down shanties, But the kind that burns down panties. Here's to the qirl in the little red shoes, She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze. She has no cherry but that's no sin, She has the box the cherry came in. Here's to the girl dressed in black, She's dressed so fine, there's nothing to slack. She feels so fine and kisses so sweet, She makes things stand, that have no feet. Here's to an hour of sweet repose, Turn to tummy and toes to toes, Then after an hour of such delight, It's fanny to fanny for the rest of the night. Now that I'm old and feeble, And pilot light is out; What used to be my sex appeal is now my waterspout. I used to be embarrassed to make the thing behave, For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. But now I'm getting old and it gives me the blues, To have the thing hang down and watch me tie my shoes. God made little boys, made them out of string, He had a little left, made a little thing. God made little girls, made them out of lace, He ran a little short, and left a little space. Thank You God.
2) Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat, The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, " The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
TRUE STORIES
1) ANN ARBOR IDIOT The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. KENTUCKY IDIOTS Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home...with the chain still attached to the machine....with their bumper still attached to the chain....with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. LOUISIANA IDIOT A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.00. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed? ARKANSAS IDIOT It seems that this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. NEW YORK IDIOT As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." SEATTLE IDIOT When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
2) Advertise - Link To Us - Contact Us - What's New? - Refer a Friend - Home Page Landlords Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords... 1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared." 2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." 3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." 4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." 5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." 6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces." 7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." 8. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
3) The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great! 1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
Personal Letters
1) Dear Friend, This chain letter started in Reno in the hope of bringing relief and happiness to tired businessmen. Unlike most chain letters, this does not cost any money. Simply send a copy of this letter to five of your businessmen friends who are equally tired. Then bundle up your wife and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of it. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,487 women, and some of them will be "dandies". Have Faith "DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!". One man broke the chain and got his wife back. Sincerely, A Tired Businessman P. S. At this date of writing, a friend has received 356 women. They buried him yesterday, and everyone said he had a smile on his face for the first time in Years.
2) John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John Several days later, John received a letter from his mother, which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love,
Mom
It's June, and Santa's finally getting around to answering his e-mail from last Christmas...
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, What -- and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa
BLONDE JOKES
1)Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
2) Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
3) Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
4)Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
5)Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
6) Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
7) Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
8)Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
9)Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
10) Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
MORE JOKES
1)yo mama is so stupid she through a baseball at the ground and missed
2)Yo mama so ugly she broke glass
3) Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. "So, Chelsea," says her mother, "you've been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?" "Well," says Chelsea, "not according to Dad."
4) President French-Fry was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President...Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks?!"
5) A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for. She replied that God had given her them, that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Teresa's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was. The woman replied, "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
6) First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"
7) Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hilary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy!"
8) What's a popular game for White House interns? Swallow the Leader What is Bill's idea of "safe sex"? A locked door Clinton still maintains he was not lying . . . he was standing and she was kneeling What is the difference between the Titanic and Bill Clinton? We know how many people went down on the Titanic! If the skeletons in Bill Clinton's closet stood up at the same time...It would look like the Chinese Army! What is Bill Clinton's favorite federal program? "Head" Start. What did Monica tell friends when asked about her job at the White House? "It sucks!" What will Johnny Cochran, Clinton's new lawyer, say to the jury? It's not a sin, if it don't go in! What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton? What are you worried about? At least she's not dead. What do Brett Favre and Monica have in common? They both blew the big one. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton? You've got Big Mac sauce and french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handling your job application. Did you hear who Hillary is inviting to spend the night at the White House? Lorena Bobbitt New Democratic slogan ? WIN ONE FOR THE ZIPPER! What did a famous psychic recently predict for Monica Lewinsky? You will go down in history. What's the one thing that President Clinton did wrong in his illicit affairs? He didn't ask Teddy Kennedy to drive the women home. What's the recipe for Clinton Stew? A little wiener in hot water What do Jerry Ford and Al Gore have in common? They both got promoted because of crooked dicks. Why doesn't Monica eat bananas? She can't find the zipper. Why does Bill's limousine have a sunroof? More leg room What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky? "Panetta told me she was the head intern!" How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!" Clinton Presidential Anthem -- Kneel to the Chief. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat." Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff? She didn't understand what 'staff' he really meant. Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story? He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview. What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline? Bush Beats Clinton. What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger. What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their Oval Office meeting last week? "Bill....Goats don't talk!!" What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound! What did Buddy the Dog say to Clinton on hearing about Zippergate? "Do they serve Alpo in prison?" If Ken Starr can extend his probe . . .Then what's wrong with Clinton doing the same thing? Dick Nixon said "Your President is not a crook" Bill Clinton said " Your President's member is not crooked" Why does Bill Clinton wish he were like Ted Kennedy? Because Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend. The president said "a year and a half affair with Lewinsky would have been impossible -- I would have become bored and cheated on her after six months." What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? They were both upset when Bill finished first. What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come. Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? He wants to be on top. How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? He married her. How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? It Takes A Village! How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods. When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? When she didn't swallow everything he presented. "One thing's for sure about Clinton...He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor. What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A dead girlfriend. Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? To promote off-shore drilling. What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? Swallow the leader. Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Overheard at the White House Super Bowl XXXII party: "For the last time, Bill. It's not pronounced Triple-X? Aye, aye!" President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern Monica Lewinsky to lie. "What I actually said," claims the President, "was to lie down." Today's headline read: "Clinton Probe Expands". It turned out to be a direct quote attributed to Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky entered the White House to see Clinton's personal secretary. Hey, if that's what he wants to call it... Also he usually calls it his Chief of Staff. Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides. Monica Lewinsky told Bill Clinton in the Oval Office that the ceiling needs to be painted. What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office. Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch. Who is the only woman in the White House not sleeping with Clinton? Hillary What are the job requirements for secretaries at the White House? They have to know the President's zip code. In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late night meetings with the President... "I can't remember the details, she said, but I know the answer is on the tip of my tongue!" Why did Monica always drink with a straw while she was an intern? Practice. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm. Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dick"tation. Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper "Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton" Is it sexgate, zippergate, fornigate or what!
9) As Regan,Nixon and Clinton were on the Titaninc, the order to abandon ship was given as the ship had struck as iceburg. Regan gallantly shouted:"Women and children first!" To which Nixon said out loud:"FUCK the women!!!" Bill shouted to Nixon in the midst of the chaos:"We don't have the time!"
10) 11 top excuses
11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top 10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV 9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16 8. Hey, At least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers 7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office 6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname 5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's, I sent her E-MAIL! 4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD! 3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton. 2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- oops, I mean it was in my genes. AND for those of you who remember the famous "I DIDN'T INHALE" comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse... 1. "I didn't insert!"
~~~ THATS IT BYE FOR NOW MAKE SURE TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND COME BACK SOON!!~~~