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BORED? Then come check out the DAILY DIRT Website for all the crazy Koo-Koo Features! NAKED NEWS! THE NOTORIOUS UGLI-TRON! plus a WHOLE LOT MORE!!!
Hey-ho, Dirt readers! This is yer old pal Jerky, checking in with y?all
whilst ostensibly on vacation out east (way, way east). As you can probably
tell by the fact that this edition hit your e-mail, the Dirt stops for
no-one? neither sleet nor snow nor the fact that the editor needs a fucking
BREAK goddamit will keep the Dirt from being delivered to your warm and
cozy little in-box! And so, without further ado, here?s the fuckin? Dirt?

BIZZARE LOVE TRIANGLE
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So get this? weasle-faced thespian Matt Damon starts to develop one of
those weird, actor-type fixations on "rival" actor and fellow Bostonian,
Marky Mark Whalberg. Damon obsesses over Whalberg for a bunch of reasons:
he worries that producers prefer Whalberg because he?s more "street," he?s
better looking, and - with Boogie Nights and Three Kings - he?s proven
himself to be the better actor. But yer old pal Jerky would have to guess
that never in a million years was prepared for what would happen next.
According to the Hollywood rumor mill, Damon?s gal-pal Winona Ryder got so
sick of his constant and vocal obsessing over Whalberg that she took it
upon herself to go visit the former underwear model and convince him to
talk to Damon and assuage his fears. But instead of doing that, she fucked
his goddam brains out! The little tramp probably sucked his dick, too? in
any case, the publicists for all three celebs claimed their clients were
either unavailable for comment or out of the country. What more proof do
you need?!
Seems beloved funnymen Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were big fans of
hardcore porno movies before that shit was even legal! According to FBI
files unearthed by Gfiles.com, the comedy giants were investigated during a
10-year period as having had suspicious dealings with mobsters and
prostitutes. Reportedly, Bud and Lou were big customers in porno?s early
days, purchasing specially filmed loops from "a ring of obscene motion
picture operators in Hollywood." Who?s on first? The blonde with huge
knockers and a schlong in her mouth!
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"There's no guarantee that even if you get a 1929, you'll end up with a 1932."
- Allan Greenspan, obviously not too worried that his loose lips might
knee-cap the NASDAQ?

SKIP STEPHENSON
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April 18
On this day in the year 1948, legendary comedian Skip Stephenson is born in
Omaha, Nebraska. Exactly thirty-one years later, on this day in 1979,
Stephenson?s magnum-opus - the NBC television series Real People - is
unleashed on an unsuspecting public. The reaction is staggering, as fans
and critics reach the unanimous conclusion: "At last, we?ve found a
celebrity to fill the void left in our lives by the death of Elvis!"
Tragically, only three years after the premiere of his show, Skip
Stephenson is struck and killed by a flying manhole cover.

Today?s first joke was sent in by our new pal Alex?
Two sausages are in the frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and
says: "Man! It?s fuckin? HOT in here!"
So the other sausage turns to him and says: "Holy SHIT! A talking sausage!"
?and our second joke comes from our new pal Mister Bustos...
Q: Why did God give women yeast infections?
A: Because he wanted women to know what it felt like to live with an
irritating cunt!
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Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page:
dear jerky, i believe u had an article on the statue of liberty getting
repaired, if i remember correctly. i thought it said it was moved to paris
for repair. could u please send me more info on it or the article that was
published. Signed: Jay-Bee!
Dear Jay-Bee; You mean you haven?t heard? Holy shit, man? What rock have
YOU been hiding under lately? This past Friday, April 14, while being
transported to Paris for repairs, Lady Liberty sank without a trace off the
coast of Ireland. So far, salvage attempts have only brought up a UFO, your
Shift key, and most of your frontal lobe. If you wish to have your Shift
key and your frontal lobe returned to you, simply dial 911 and say
"abadaba-abadaba" until they magically appear in your toilet bowl. Cheers!
Jerky.
Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We publish your e-mail address. No exceptions. 5) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
Today?s Topic: NOT ELIAN!
by: sunsetskies@hotmail.com
Dear Jerky,
I was reading your piece on the 10 commandments, and I agree with much of
what you said, although whether something's un-American or not doesn't mean
much to me at all. Whilst America's given us some good stuff, which is
fine, I see that it's given stuff we don't need as well, such as
infomercials, televangelists, religious nuts, the unnecessary amount of
guns in the world, the unnecessary amount of LAWYERS in the world (sleazy
little bastards they are), etc. So, whilst America seems a good country,
it's given us bad stuff, too. But, then again, every country has it's
flaws, no doubt.
There were two parts I disagreed with in the "10 commandments" letter. (1)
The part about the armed forces. I disagree with them on principle, as I
see any form of armed forces as wrong (I don't just mean Americas, but any
country. I agree that they are, sadly, a necessary part of each country,
but they just seem to be there to impose the will of the people at the top
of any given country upon the citizens, whether they be leaders or
innocents, of any other given country. Whilst Saddam Hussein's an evil
bastard, and no question about it, that doesn't mean innocent Iraqi
citizens should be blown to pieces, nor should America's populace be killed
by chemical and germ warfare of Iraq, just because evil Saddam wills it for
whatever egomaniacal megalomaniac reason he does. The way I see it (which,
will never happen, as world leaders are such cowards, but humor me anyway),
instead of endangering the lives of innocents, it should be a "Celebrity
Deathmatch" sort of arrangement, where the two world leaders square off
against each other, and the winner of the match wins the war, thus
preventing unnecessary bloodshed of innocent
people.
(2) I disagree with your stance on CAPITALISM. You say it's what makes
America tick on, but I disagree. Whilst I see the flaws of Communism (for
they did have them), I see more in Capitalism. My outlook isn't easily
defined, but, of all the options, it's most closely aligned with socialism
(which hasn't really been effectively tried anywhere). Capitalism doesn't
make America tick on...it's the thing that highlights
all the BAD PARTS of America! For instance, the conservatives whom you love
to slag off (and, admittedly, I hate them, too)...they endorse capitalism,
as it's the "Rich get richer, poor get poorer" system that gives them their
money, and keeps them POWERFUL! And all the CUNT-Servative groups who'll
aid them (televangelists, etc), are all Capitalist, too...notice how they
ask you for MONEY on their shows? In the name of God, indeed! God doesn't
NEED your money...God made the trees themselves! Besides...God's supposed
to be all-powerful. Therefore, if God wanted your money, God'd already HAVE
your money! It's naught but ANOTHER bunch of CUNT-self-SERVE-A-Tive
Capitalists trying to rip you off for their REAL God, the all-mighty
DOLLAR! All those NRA people, conservatives, who say that "GUNS don't kill
people, PEOPLE kill people" (bullshit! PEOPLE wielding GUNS
kill
http://www.anipike.com
http://www.stickdeath.com/frameset.htm]
The Daily Dirt
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SCANDALS!
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INFOTAINMENT SUPER SHORT-CUTS!

"I'M SO FUCKING OLD!"
|
After far too much hemming and hawing and wasting of everyone's time, a fed court has finally taken the first step towards shipping Elian Gonzalez back to Cuba by affirming his father's authority to make decisions in his name. This whole debacle ain't over yet, tho? the Miami relatives now have 45 days to get the 11th circuit Court of Appeals to stop Juan Miguel Gonzalez from taking his son back to Cuba with him. And you can bet your filthy underoos those ridiculous goombahs will be rattling their cup against professional Clinton-hater Larry Klayman's cage for some pro-bono nuisance-lawsuit assistance?
Dead Pool Yellow Alert! ?all you people who participate in Dead Pools should put a yellow checkmark by Bob Hope's name. The 97-year-old comedian (who hasn't chewed his own food since the space shuttle exploded) underwent emergency surgery yesterday to fix a problem with his intestines. The quasi-living-legend is said to be in stable condition, but? come on! A stiff breeze and this guy is toast!
I've said it before and I'll say it again: yer old pal Jerky hates celebrities who suffer under the delusion that, hey, if they can pretend to be doctors and astronauts, then they can damn well fly their own air-planes. You know the type? John Travolta, Arnold Schwartzenthingy, JFK Jr? Now Patrick Swayze has gone and proved my point for me by crashing his Cessna just outside of Phoenix. Luckily, Swayze was the only person aboard the plane, and he wasn't injured, so we're certain to be seeing a lot more of his mug all over the tube and in the entertainment press in the coming months. Joy!
*** *** ***
TOP TEN TIPS FOR WINNING AT "SURVIVOR"
10. If you're a woman, sleep with everybody? the guys will do everything in their power to make sure the "easy lay" stays on the island.
9. Learn to love the taste of your own urine. That way, a gallon of water will last for weeks!
8. That friendly old lady who looks like your grandma but is always slowing you down during the intra-camp competitions? Kill her.
7. Smuggle in three pounds of beef jerky by stuffing it up your ass. Later, you can use it to buy loyalty? or bring down your enemies.
6. Offer the other contestants poison ivy to wipe their butts with. They'll be begging to be let off the island in no time.
5. The gynecologist with a nipple ring who didn't like the soup you spent all day cooking and is always giving you dirty looks? Kill him.
4. Get other people kicked off the island by falsely accusing them of trying to rape you in the night.
3. If you're a fat lazy homo who beats his kid, don't let anybody find out.
2. Train your body to survive on a diet of air, salt-water and sand.
1. Come to think of it, seeing as death equals disqualification? why not just go ahead and kill everybody? Prison isn't so bad if you've got a million bucks to spread around!
*** *** ***
GIVE'EM HELL, BILLY!
a guest editorial by Hornytoad McSlade!
This week, I got a bug up my ass that's bigger than an elephant and it's this country's gosh-darned public school teachers that are to blame! Not long ago, the winners of the national and state Teacher of the Year awards were asked to come up with solutions to the growin' teacher shortage in the U.S. Most of 'em answered that higher salaries, better benefits, and -git this- a lot more respect from society was needed to git folks interested in becomin' teachers. Meanwhile in Chicago, the parents of young 'uns goin' to school are actually gonna be gittin' report cards on how good they watch over their children's educatin': like whether or not their kids do their homework, attend school regularly, and dress proper-like. Now don't that beat all! Why, I just can't rightly figger out all this fuss 'bout schoolin'. If you ask me, formal educashun is way, way over-rated! Sure, fifth grade was the best six years of my life, but I don't think I'
ve missed out on much just because I dropped out soon after. I still learned how to reed an' rite, goddamit! I was so bright, my Ma called me Sonny and to this day, I'm smart enough that it don't take me two hours to watch 60 Minutes. Well, most times, anyhow. Nosiree, I sure as heck didn't need no schoolin' to learn me the important things in life! Far as I'm concerned, a diploma's as useless as tits on a nun, unless it's got Trucking Institute written on it! ...
Click here for the rest of Hornytoad's editorial!
click here for more
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JERKY and SCRUFF take a crack at the million! Join us on our SURVIVOR island adventure!
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LEWD LEXICON:
|
Thanks to the Marcmon for sending in all three of today's Lexicon submissions!
CHOREGASM n. what you have when it takes you a long time to come.
TRIPLESCORE n. a wife/girlfriend from a wealthy family with a smoking body who loves to fuck and suck.
DA-NANG BANG n. flashbacks of 'Nam while screwing an Asian chick.
click here for more jokes!
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THEY SAID IT!
|
"Do you have children? Maybe when you have children of your own, you'll realize she's a precious gift from God and you could never do anything to hurt that precious child."
- likely murderer Patsy Ramsey, who should maybe think of giving Susan Smith a call. Or Linford Dalrymple. Or any of the other hundreds of parents who kill their children each and every year in this country.
*** *** ***
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
- science-fiction author Robert Heinlein, forgetting a few important ones, like "fart at will," "cheat at cards" and "finish a 64 oz steak without vomiting all over himself."
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ON THIS DAY:
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MAKE ME CRY, BITCH!
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June 2
On this day in the year 1981, presumably following some sort of mild stroke, "seasoned" television interviewer Baba Wawa asks asexual thespian Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she would choose to be. "A tree that gets to eat pussy," responds a deeply-closeted Hepburn before bursting into tears...
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JOKES OF THE DAY:
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Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Mister Pieman...
A shapely blond is shopping in a hardware store. The helpful clerk asks: "Do you want a screw for that hinge ma'am?"
The Blond replies: "No, thanks. But I'll fuck you for that toaster!"
Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Sugarbear...
A painter, while whitewashing an outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted: "FIRE!!!" at the top of his lungs.
The local fire department responded swiftly, sirens roaring as they approached the privy.
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.
"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, "Shit!" who would have rescued me?"
click here for more jokes!
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JERKY KNOWS
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Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page:
Dear Jerky; (snip a bunch of shit about how she's Canadian and things are so much better in Canada and why do I keep razzing Canada and blah blah blah...) Now, I have a question for you. I'd like to think I am mature for my age, only 18, and not very experienced in the sexual aspect of the world... (snip more shit I don't need to know about this dim, maple syrup-sucking bim) I have never had an orgasm, and to be honest with you I don't think I've ever heard an honest friend admit to having one, my long term boyfriend is very sexual, and I am attractive but we have sex in quantity, (blah blah blah...) and even 20 minutes is too short for me to have one, so I'm asking if maybe I should be looking into masturbation or is there something I can ask my guy to do? (snip another mind-numbingly long run-on sentance that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever) Or is it just a fantasy girls use to tell guys they're not good enough an
d excuse themselves for cheating on them? Thanking you in advance? Signed: Gurlygurl
Dear Gurlygurl: SHUT the FUCK UP!
***ATTENTION ALL GREEDY BASTARDS AND HESITANT PERSONALS-POSTERS!***
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READERS' SOAPBOX
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We publish your e-mail address. No exceptions. 5) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
Today?s Topic: REBUTTAL TO SEATBELT RANT!
by: el_tigre@dingoblue.net.au
You fuckwit!
Here's the real news about seatbelts:
1. They stop you from exiting your car at more than walking pace. A handy thing if your car happens to decelerate from 60 to zero miles per hour in a few seconds.
2. They keep your delicate little head away from the hard bits around you so that it's contents have a chance of remaining intact (although in your case it is difficult to justify the protection of such a small asset) while your vehicle is performing 360's sideways.
3. They prevent heart from being crushed as your chest is pile-driven onto the steering wheel during the rapid deceleration of front on impact - it has also been proven that seatbelt restraint reduces the risk of aortic rupture in front on impacts.
4. They protect society from being burdened by some uninsured vegetable for rest of his miserable, drooling life after he has been smashed into insensitivity through not accepting the evidence that wearing seatbelts reduces the risk of serious injury in motor vehicle accidents!
5. Most importantly - Intensive Care doctors and nurses would be exposed to less grief and personal pain by not having to explain to distraught parents that their son/daughter would not be brain dead (clinical, not philosophical) if they had only worn a seatbelt.
The down side to seatbelts - we would have fewer potential organ donors if it wasn't for dumb fuckwits like you!
- Tigre
[Yeah, but still, that doesn't adress the "but I don't wannaaaa!!!" stance which Toe so eloquently espoused in yesterday's Dirt... - Jerky]
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Morning Sweetie!
| Pics AND Naughty Story - Friday May 26th |
| Foxy!
I've got things finalized with my sponsors and we've agreed to send one lucky prize drawing winner on a cruise! The winner will be able to bring someone (you might have to bring the spouse! haha) and they will have the choice of which cruise they go on. The package we are giving away allows the winner to can sail either from Miami to the Caribbean, or from L.A. down to Baja. I will mail you an entry form as soon as the lawyers ok the agreement.
Ive got some incredible new sponsors. After you read through your mail (horny devil!) give them each a looksee and help me keep my site alive!
Heres your big nasty story sweetness!
XOXOXO Jasmine!
JasminesBackdoor.com |
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I let a black leather G-string and mesh-leather halter top fall out of the COD package my mailman, Bob, had just delivered. He leaned over, his sexy ass muscles contracting in his jeans, and picked up the garments. With a wink, he dangled them in front of my face.
"Putting them on for me?"
I wanted - I needed - Bob, something awful! My trembling fingers unzipped my dress. It slinked to the floor, leaving me in only my thigh high stockings.
"Allow me," he said. "Lean over," he ordered. My tits dangled downwards. He scooped them into the halter top, then sat on the stairs leading to my bedroom. "Leg on my shoulder."
I obeyed. Bob slipped the G-string on, sliding it back and forth along my pussy until he'd positioned it just right. The leather ripped into my soft lips. A seam caught my throbbing clit. I moaned.
"Turned on already?" Bob smiled.
I nodded, tossing my curls, arching my back.
Bob scooped me into his arms and carried me upstairs. In my bedroom, which he was very familiar with since we'd started playing this game over a year ago, he cranked up my stereo and put me down in the center of the room.
"Dance."
I moved to the beat. Wiggled my ass. Shook my tits. Gyrated my hips. In seconds, I was soaking wet. Not just sweaty wet - but really wet. Pussy cream greased my inner thighs. Bob wouldn't let me stop. He urged me on.
"Do it like you're fucking me, baby," he cooed, slipping out of his clothes.
I fucked the air. I yanked the g-string high up, splitting my cunt lips, slicing my ass. The leather was soaked in pussy juices. My asshole twitched against the strip which was rubbing it to life.
Bob embedded his hands into my ass cheeks. He pulled me towards him. With his teeth he removed the G-string, then the halter top. We stood face to face, both panting, both wanting to fuck.
I splayed my fingers across his hard, muscular chest. Black hair fanned over his pectoral muscles, funneling downward to a thick, dark bush. His stomach quivered as I raked my nails along the perimeter. His hard-on bounced against my leg. I kissed his chest, nipped at his hardened nipples. He lifted my face to his and kissed me long and hard. Then, his thick tongue gyrated and danced to my tits, down my stomach to my pussy and finally into my juices.
Bob's big strong hands cupped my ass and he lifted into the air. He deposited me on the satin-sheeted bed, his face still buried between my legs. I spread myself as wide as I could to let him inhale my scent, lap up my juices, chew my clit.
He smeared his face with my cunt goo. I humped his mouth, urging him on. Eating me was one of Bob's favorite things to do. It was never long enough for him, me being the one to beg him to fuck me with his delicious ramrod. When I tried to ask this time, Bob covered my mouth. I suckled his finger like I would his cock, if only he'd flip into a sixty-niner.
Bob's tongue probed into me, flicking against my clit while three fingers pushed in and out of my fuck hole. In ecstasy, my hands grabbed his hair as I ground my crotch into his face. The urge for him to be inside me was unbearable.
I came four times before Bob finally let me suck him off.
"Fuck me, baby...I need your cock inside me...Please..." I licked his prick clean. It was still hard. I knew he could do it.
Bob eased himself off me. Silently, he got dressed. I couldn't believe it. He was smiling, so I thought he was kidding around with me.
He stroked his rod, packed in his pants. "You really want this, don't you?"
"More than anything...I'll let you fuck me til hell freezes over..."
Bob ran a finger from my belly button to my clit. He dipped his digit into my sopping cunt, then stepped back. "You'll just have to wait until the next time..." He walked out of the room.
Defeated, I lay back on the soaked satin sheets. There had to be something in the mail-order sex shop catalogue that would guarantee he'd fuck me next time...
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