MIDGET

DISCLAIMER: When this interview was carried out my music taste was slightly different from what it is today. Additionally, Midget were a different band. You see, dear reader, they have fell into the trap that all young indie bands seem to fall into, and that is that they have "done an Ash". "Done an Ash?" you ask? Yes. You see, bands like this tend to release a few decent pop singles, followed by a mini-album compiling said singles, followed by the first proper mature album which always sucks. Ash were the first, hence the term "do an Ash". Other bands which have "done an Ash" include Symposium and Kenickie... and where are they now? Midget's record label folded, Symposium left their record label and split up, and Kenickie just split up! Ha ha ha! That is why "doing an Ash" is most foolish! Unless you are Ash, of course, in which case you end up making loads of money, getting dead famous and have loads of 16 year old girls who want to shag you. Damn their eyes! And, uh, the rest of their bodies, too.

One other thing before the interview starts properly: I never considered Midget to be "punk" in any way, so please do not take the piss out of me going "na na, that moron Paul Scary Sheep thought that Midget were punk" cos it won't offend me. You will just look stupid. That's right, you - not me - will look stupid. Aaaaaaah!

Anyway, here is that interview... the first one I ever did, fact fans! With my ex-girlfriend! Who now hates my guts! A-hahahahahah! Look for the now ironic comment about "psycho ex-girlfriends"! Ha ha ha!

Actually, reading back through this it isn’t very good at all, but it is going up on the website for the sake of completeness. So here it is.

We caught up with Lee (drums) and Richard (guitar/vocals/main songwriter) from Midget in early August last year during their first headlining tour. Even though they are not a punk band at all, Rich is a huge punk fan, and punk is an obvious influence in their music. Despite us turning up about forty minutes late we think it went pretty well...

Gill: Where did you all meet?
Lee: Richard and Andy know each other from school since they were five or something. They used to get told off in class for drawing cartoons together. While other people were talking about football they were talking about cartoons and things like that. I fell over Richard at a party when I was about 16 - I couldn't handle my drink. Not that I can now! I just sort of fell over him and said [drunken voice] "Uhhh! I'm a great drummer!" in my best sort of sober voice which I wasn't doing a very good impression of. Then he said "Ah! We're in a band; we need a drummer!" So I'm like "Ah! I'm fucking brilliant! I work in a sport shop, come in," so he did, and I was like [sniggers] "Well I'm not really that good. I've only just started," and then he said "Well come over anyway, we'll just have a laugh," so I went over and it started from there. There was, like, four of us then and we slimmed down to three over the years.

Paul: Why did you change your name, cos you used to be called "Smokin' Lizards" didn't you?
Lee: Smokin' Lizards, yeah. Cos that was kinda like a schooly kinda thing and... it was just like, that was when we were a four- piece. Then when we changed to a three- piece we changed the name. How did you know we were called Smokin' Lizards?
Paul: I have a press release.
Lee: The bastards weren't supposed to put that in!

Gill: What was the first record you bought?
Lee: The first record I ever bought, I reckon, was... it was for my dad. It was a Christmas present. I was only about three. It was AC/DC, "Highway To Hell", the album. It's a cracking album!
Paul: What was the first punk record you ever bought? If you did?
Lee: I'm not really a big massive punk fan. I mean, I like Mr. T [points to my MTX shirt].I've only got one album. Milk Milk Lemonade.

Gill: Which bands would you like to tour with but haven't?
Lee: Metallica! Been a massive fan of them for ages!

Paul: Which band's best: Bis or No Doubt?
Lee: Oh, no! Come on! Ah, I dunno! Fuckin' hell! If I had to choose between the two...God... Bis 'cos I've met 'em a bit. I mean, they slagged us off quite badly in a single review. That was Steven being a cunt. I met John and Richard's kinda... when he sees John he's like, "Alright?" and they get on OK and Dee's big friends with 'em and they're big friends with Dee. No Doubt can just fuck off. Unless they want us to support them and they put loads of... no, wouldn't do it anyway.
Gill: So you don't like 40-year-old blondes?
Lee: No. She's got nice legs, but fuck all else. Sorry, I don't mean that to sound like a lad's comment or anything but it's just like she's seen as a pin-up for so many people and she's not really that nice. She's got a stupid fucking diamond on her head... "Oh, it's lovely!" It's not, it looks fucking silly! I mean, if she wasn't in a band and she walked down Stamford high street which is where we're from they'red be people going "WAAARGH!" [makes freak-out noise] No, it's cool, she's in a band!

Gill: If Midget were made into action figures what would be your special feature?
Lee: Erm... no, can't say that! I've always wanted those eyes that go like that [moves finger side-to-side], but I want ones that move up and down as well. No, nostrils would be good that you could move like this. [um, he moves his nostrils!] Or ears that you could do one at a time! That would be wicked if you could have, like, nostrils and ears that you could move! I'd quite like to be a talking commando. You'd pull me and I'd say "Pint of lager please!" or "Fuck off!". "Waaay!"

Gill: Who's best: Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams or Mark Owen?
Lee: Musically, Gary Barlow. He's a really talented bloke. Mark Owen's quite cool cos he's a midget! He is really small. Robbie Williams is also quite cool cos he drinks lots of lager, he's a bit of a lad, he's alright. They're all kinda cool in their own way.

Paul: When you first saw Brian from Placebo, did you think he was a girl, and if so did you fancy him?
Lee: No, no, no. I got "Come Home" when it was first out on 7" on Deceptive and went to see 'em at Cambridge Boatrace and there was 100 people there or something so that was quite early on, so I knew then. I mean, he's always been a bit sorta like... but he's got worse. I think he's learned to play up to it a bit. And, apparently, he changes what he likes, male or female.

[Door opens... and in walks Richard!]

Gill: What do you think of festivals?
Lee: They're cool. I love them.
Gill: You're going to Reading, aren't you?
Lee: Yeah... we played Phoenix, we're playing Reading... I've been to Reading for about the last four years. Phoenix line-up was a bit crap, they didn't really have that many good bands. But Sunday at Reading's got so many strong bands playing. We're playing on Sunday at 5:20, Doc Martens stage.

Paul: What's the high point of your career so far? The Peel session? That would be mine if I were you.
Lee: No. It was out in January. Dunno, there's different things, like, we headlined the 100 Club on Tuesday and all of it sold out or like, 5 tickets off or something and then, playing Phoenix was good and... doing our first big London gig supporting Reef. There's loads of different things. The first time you're on the radio... there's loads of different things. There's not one big thing cos they all seem to tie in together.
Rich: I've got one big thing...
Lee: That's not what I've heard!
Rich: At the 100 Club this guy was caught in the pit down the front and he lost his shoe. He told me afterwards and I was like "Oh fuck, no!" but he said "No, don't worry about it! It's brilliant!" If it's worth losing a shoe over then that's the high point of my career!

Paul: If you get huge, like, as big as Ash are you gonna go like them and go all "mature" and crap and guitar dirge or are you gonna stay poppy and good? Don't you think Ash started out really good but the second album sorta went a bit... I don't know. Or do you think they're still good?
Lee: There's some good stuff on there, it's just they've kinda developed.
Paul: Do you think you're gonna do that? Do you think your sound is gonna change as you progress?
Lee: Well, it keeps changing. I mean, have you heard Optimism? Cos that's so much different from Kylie and Jason, isn't it?
Rich: If we write sorta similar stuff to Optimism, it's still good cos it's still pop. It's still good songs and that, it's just cos we've got this frenetic, fast-paced early single so everyone thinks we're mad bastards and we write speed songs all the time. We just need slow ones to sorta give us a break sometimes. [American accent:] We rock too hard live! Then pass out in the dressing room...
Lee: The new song's quite quick. It's knackering for me...
Paul: What's that called?
Lee: "Here's Jonny" [This song later became "All Fall Down". This is an old interview! - Paul].We've only done it live once. We premiered it at the 100 Club. Went down quite well.

Paul: If you could be any animal for a day, which would it be and why?
Lee: A rabbit!
Paul: Why?
Lee: No, I don't know.
Gill: Cos they have loads of sex! That's why!
Lee: That's why, yeah!
Rich: I'd be a little aphid. They get born at six in the morning, they eat, reproduce about three times and die at six in the evening!

Paul: Good choice! Do you think there's a whole scene of "teenage" pop bands like Tampasm and Symposium and Snug or do you think it's a load of media bollocks?
Lee: Media bollocks. I mean, there's lots and lots of young bands around that are quite good and are doing alright but there's not really a scene. I mean it's like everybody's sort of saying that all the bands sort of hate each other and all that but we all get on. All the ones that are doing quite well all sort of... when we see each other we're all sort of nice to each other. The ones that we don't get on with are the ones that are splitting up now. Sort of doing shit.
Rich: There's just Symposium and Tampasm and the rest can fuck off I reckon.
Lee: Snug are alright.
Rich: Snug? Oh, well, maybe,
Paul: Snug played here and there was no- one dancing at all through the whole gig. It was pretty sad really.
Rich: I dunno what we're gonna do tonight. Like, some of the places we've gone have been sold out and others not quite so well attended. Still, everyone goes mad down the front, no matter what gig. Probably now I've said that tonight'll be fucking statues.
Gill: They're too cool to move in Manchester.
Rich: It's alright, I'll just kick 'em up the arse then.
Gill: Is there a punk scene in Peterborough?
Lee: Yeah, cos Gizz from The Prodigy comes from there and he's got a band called Eng... well, just changed their name to Janus Stark. There is, there's quite a sort of punk scene.
Rich: Loads of old hardcore old-schooler type dudes.
Lee: Always has been. [reading from our question sheet]: "Is Elvis still alive?" Rich: He's in here! Behind you! [points to Elvis calendar]
Lee: No, Elvis is not still alive.
Gill: You think he died with a lump of clay up his arse?
Lee: And a hamster!
Rich: No, he's alive, he's setting up a record label with Richey Manic, something like that.
Lee: In Dubai somewhere. They're both starting up a chip shop.
Rich: It's gonna be called "Pretentious Records"... "Pretend We're Dead Records". Yeah, it's gonna re-release "Pretend We're Dead" by L7!

Gill: Do you have any psycho girlfriends? Ex-girlfriends, sort of thing? Psycho ex- girlfriends who just bother people?
Rich: I've just got one present girlfriend. She's not a psycho, which is pleasing. She's psychic, she's not a psycho. I arranged to meet her and so she came round and she goes "I knew you were gonna answer the door!" It's really quite scary.
Lee: Seeing as there's no-one else... no!

Gill: What did you want to be as a child?
Lee: Bigger!
Rich: Older!
Lee: Et cetera. I used to want to be a doctor when I was younger.
Rich: I wanted to be fatter cos I was painfully thin. I wanted to be a hitman.
Paul: If you were a hitman, who would you like to kill?
Lee: Saddam Hussein, cos he's a cunt.
Rich: I'd kill... I'd probably just chicken out. I probably couldn't do it and I'd be there with all the shots out going "Nah, I can't do it!"

[the conversation turns to punk]
Gill: Do you like Green Day?
Lee: So-so.
Rich: [US accent] They're not really punk!
Paul: Who's your favourite punk band then?
Rich: At the minute it's Millencolin. It changes all the time. I've got so much of it, it's like "Oh, I fucking love this, this is my favourite!" then "No! This is my favourite now!" Hi Standard are really good...
Paul: They've just put a new album out!
Rich: Yeah, I got it! It's fantastic! They do a cover of the Pink Panther theme. It's great!
Gill: I've only got one of their songs on this Fat Wreck Chords sampler...
Paul: No you've not, you've got two. You've got "Wait For The Sun" as well.
Rich ,Lee & Paul [chant in a Hi Standard kinda way]: Wait for the sun!
Rich: [hums the guitar bit] They do that "California Dreaming" as well, don't they? I bought the single of that cos I really like the song and I play them both side-by-side.
Gill: Have you heard Diesel Boy? Do you like the Drew Barrymore song? Do you like Drew Barrymore?
Rich: Oh, yes!
Lee: I'm not a fan. I think she's a bit tarty. I don't really go for girls like that.
Rich: [US accent] I think she rocks!

Gill: Do you watch a lot of TV, or do you not get chance?
Lee: I don't watch that much.
Rich: I don 't watch as much as I used to. As soon as we got signed it's like fucking "Do this! Do that! Do that!" and I'm like "Oh, I wanna watch telly!"
Gill: Three days off a year?
Lee: No, we have a few days off.
Rich: I kinda like to spend that with my girlfriend.
Lee: I like to spend it in the pub, drinking myself into oblivion, ordering a taxi and going home!

Paul: Do you like Marilyn Manson?
Lee: No.
Rich: I don't mind it. I think it's kinda intriguing. No-one else has got the guts to do stuff like that apart from Cradle of Filth. It's good showmanship.
Paul: Don't you think the fans get a bit too obsessive with it? They're like "We are the dark lords of Marilyn Manson"?
Rich: Oh, yeah, obviously. Definitely.
Lee: You can spot Marilyn Manson fans a mile off.
Rich: They always look like they're about to cry! They never smile!
Lee: They're just waiting for the word from Marilyn.
Rich: And they walk around, like, their shoulders hunched, like "Oh, God, everyone's gonna kill me. It's like, "WAKE UP, FUCKER!"
Lee: There should be more Elvis clones, The world would be a better place. Look at him: cheerful chap, well presented, your mother would love him.

Gill: Do you find that when you get the chance to drink that you drink way too much?
Rich: No, not really cos I've gotta be in a drinking mood and after a gig I'm all hot and sweaty and then there's a freezing cold drink. It doesn't really mix in the stomach, I don't think. I don't usually drink much after gigs. I wait till we've got a day off. When we're in Stamford... when we're on tour we don't actually drink that much. When we get home we get fucking arseholed every night. Everyone in Stamford thinks "They're gonna die by the time they're 25!"
Lee: We tend to have our weekends in the week, cos we play at the weekends on this tour so in the week we have the weekend. So we're going back, like Monday and Tuesday night after everybody's been out Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. They're all sat there looking into their pint going "Ohhhh..." and we're there going "Waaaay!" We went to Reading last year and about ten of us camped together. We had this pile of cans. It started off that big and by the end of the weekend it was like a mountain. He pushed a bird from Manchester into it as well!
Rich: You know when someone pushes you like "Oi, oi..." I though "Alright, I'm not taking it anymore" and like [makes huge pushing noise] and like "Aaargh!" [gestures falling over].
Lee: We'd set the pile on fire as well...

Gill: Have you ever set fire to widgets?
Paul: You know widgets from cans? You can take them out and set fire to them. You ever done it?
Lee: No!
Gill: They're like little candles! They burn down to the little dip thing and then spit a little bit, you know with all the alcohol?
Lee: I'm gonna try that!
Rich: We've got a new hobby: pouring water on tampons.
Lee: Somebody dropped one at the 100 Club so I took it out and just laid it lik e that and I was tipping beer over it and it went... [er, it puffs up in a big way! Why not try it at home, kids?] It's excellent! Our new hobby. Blowing up tampons.
Rich: [In the style of Alan Partridge] On that bombshell...

And the interview ended with the obligatory thank-yous and goodbyes, and Richard telling me about his "Liza and Louise" T-shirt. Midget played a great set in spite of less-than-great support bands and an uninterested crowd. We don't have a current address for them, so fuck it. They had a live gig shown on ITV2 recently though. So, er, there.

(from Scary Sheep issue one)