hide me away... archives - weight Monday, July 08, 2002   i have to put my electric blanket on. yay. i need to clear my bed and tidy my room...and then...nothing. posted by osseous keloid 10:49:32 PM   i feel so strange. like i'm trapped in a horrible dream...i can't escape or break free... dunno wats wrong with me... why is it so easy to pretend to some people? and others its just impossible... posted by osseous keloid 10:39:24 PM   i ate sooo fucking much today ;___;!!!! i dont want to even think about how much i ate....three meals!!!! i actually ate three meals...i feel sooo horrible ;_;!!!!!! gya. tonite soooo bored...nothing on tv ~_~ so we just watched shortland st. and then coronation st. which was a VERY bad idea ~__~!! because Les drank a bottle of scotch and tried to kill himself in this taxi. he got some pipe thru the window and turned the ignition on ... i could hear little whispers in my brain... ;_; telling me that i'd finally found the easy way to die and why hadn't i thought of it before -_-;;; i dont know why i'm thinking this tonight. but its on my mind and i wanna get away from me. i still haven't been to the doc. fuck. no idea what i will say to him. maybe i just wont go? i dont feel like lying again -_-;;;;; i miss u clare...i miss u soo much...but if i stay up late i wont get up early and i wont skip breakfast and i am sure takechan wants to use th net...so talk to her. what does it matter if i am here or not? posted by osseous keloid 10:34:34 PM Wednesday, July 03, 2002   i feel so transparent...in LJ...i hate the way that anyone can read my entries. i think that i will hide them all...if that is possible? gyaa...wat is my problem...i want ppl to react when i they read in my LJ and yet i dun like ppl seeing it...O_o;;;; i'm fucked...i know! fuck. ppl eat way too much. i've eaten one meal...and in that one meal i've had an adults daily amount of calories~ about 1600... one packet of indomie has that many calories? fuck i feel sick...soo goddamn sick. how will i survive this week and the next one? ;_; i feel sick...why did i eat those noodles...and cake...and i will be expected to eat dinner too!!! fuck...how can anyone expect me to eat three meals a day? its fucking insane ~______o;;;;; posted by osseous keloid 3:57:58 PM Tuesday, July 02, 2002   i keep picking and peeling more skin of my lip...it feels nice...if only i could purge...but i'm scared takechan would hear me... i binged...i have to pay the price tomorrow when i weigh myself. my weakness...so its all my fault. posted by osseous keloid 11:59:40 PM   i feel so infinitely small and selfish. my hands are frozen... i just feel like talking...but it seems so selfish. :x *zips mouth shut* posted by osseous keloid 11:58:02 PM Monday, July 01, 2002   gya. after i talked to clare...i went home. i ate ~_~ i was going to hide the piece of slice in my bag and throw it once i got here, but takechan was like, "thats your piece right?" and i could hardly walk away and then return with out it a few seconds later -_-;; that alone was ok i figured considering i'd only had coleslaw all day...but then my mum got some chocolate out ~_____~ so i had a hot chocolate with milk^^;; because milk is supposed to make puking easier. and then straight before i came here i had half a class of water and then a glass of milk. and it helped. i puked much easier than usual, okies it mostly decomposed ~_~ but still at least i could get some out of my system... i feel so exhausted now ~_~ my eyes feel strangely heated up and tired *sigh* posted by osseous keloid 12:01:57 AM Sunday, June 30, 2002   it made me extremely happy^^;;; as opposed to this mornings shitty feeling...and i purposely took my fluoxetine on an empty stomach so i hoped to feel nauseous tonite :P but so far haven;t ;_; posted by osseous keloid 6:08:29 PM   gya. i suppose it is quite amusing how this morning i was so disgusted by my thoughts last nite - the problem is that while i do not want to be pro ana...i do want to lose weight not put any on. and so the only way i can see that happening is if i continue this. I weighed myself - 97.9lb (98lb/44.5kg). i was so excited to see that weight, but unable to believe it and so i weighed myself about 6 more times :P and it was always the same^^;;;; so since i hadn't eaten then i had a bit of coleslaw^^;; with mayonnaise...and a cup of coffee. and that is absolutely all that i have eaten so far today!!! :D i made up my mind to go to dinner, but Wei Ying hasn't come *shrugs* so i guess i won't eat :P what a shame^^;;;;;;; posted by osseous keloid 6:06:43 PM   gya gya. when will this confusion end? will i wake up one day and not be confused? will that ever happen? posted by osseous keloid 11:44:36 AM   i feel so weak, like i'm caving in under pressure, like i'm giving in...am i? i feel so pathetic...i wish i had someone to talk to... posted by osseous keloid 11:36:43 AM   why do i keep lying to myself, trying to be something that i'm not? why can't i just accept the truth? posted by osseous keloid 11:34:44 AM   i feel nauseous. i dont want to eat but i do at the same time. i think i might just go to bed now.... i dont wanna see anyone... posted by osseous keloid 11:33:34 AM   It�s funny how confusion fills me so deeply, even though I talk about her so freely, there is a part of me who doesn�t believe it could be true that she is here� I feel like I am trying to be something that I�m not, would it make sense if I said I feel sick right now? Would it make sense if I said I don�t know whats going on, or what I�m doing anymore� I don�t understand myself at all, when did this happen�or am I just making it up again? I don�t know what I�m doing�I feel so confused�so sick�so disgusted� How the hell could I read all that and what it? What is wrong with me? I wanna get away from there, why is my desire to belong to something that I would do this? Gya I feel so confused�I have no idea at all what I want or what i am doing... posted by osseous keloid 11:27:15 AM Friday, June 28, 2002   yum. the thought of powdered milk for breakfast excites me immensely -_o;;; i wonder how fattening it is? my stomach is making noises again. its so goddamn silent...i dont know how long i can stand this... posted by osseous keloid 6:07:02 PM   i ate. -_o;; two mouthfuls of beef schnitzel. two chips. and then i sat. or rather i stared into space and felt vacant. i wonder when the occupant of my house moved out? posted by osseous keloid 5:59:14 PM   i dont feel like opening my mouth and talking. my lips feel sorta numb...i can't be bothered to pretend either............. what does it matter? its not like heather actually cares if i go to dinner or not....she just doesnt wanna go alone -_o;;; posted by osseous keloid 5:30:11 PM   my frame of mind today is not very good -_-;;;;;;; its very bad in fact ;_; i feel cold and shivery now. maybe taking the prozac with food helps some? i havent felt nauseous yet. but then i havent eaten dinner yet either and i took that shit later today so maybe will take longer -_-;;;;;;; who knows? words seem extremely pointless today...vacant and empty -_-;; makes me feel like sewing my mouth up. posted by osseous keloid 5:27:28 PM   i heard a bang on the wall...is that just a coincidence or an indication of me being selfish again? -_-;;; how can i tell? he must be ecstatic. he's terrified me into playing music in my room. i havent touched my stereo in so long... ;_; posted by osseous keloid 5:22:30 PM   Today's Score : 77.5 If your score is 50 or higher, consider printing the results of your test to show it to your doctor. ~__________________________________~ yesterdays was 73.75 -_-;;; posted by osseous keloid 5:19:17 PM Tuesday, June 25, 2002   i hate this internet addiction i have. i hate the way i rely on it so much ...and the way that i cling to it. i really need to get a life that or else i will just sleep all the time. posted by osseous keloid 12:31:08 AM   if i think about it...this has been happening, slowly but surely since at least last year. i feel as though i am shutting down... i guess in a sense that is what i am doing. and i don't want to care anymore. posted by osseous keloid 12:13:15 AM