Summer 2003 Issue
The Tweak Files is a quarterly publication because we are too lazy to update more often. Also, it is best viewed in Mozilla.
Summer 2003: Tweak Goes To Hollywood!
Ah the resilience of summer. It brings, sun, girls in bikinis (NSFW) and big blockbuster movies. And for me, it means a trip to Hollywood to find the latest in crappy movies that will either never see the limelight, or are just waiting there turn to come out into the open...
Or maybe they should just stay in the closet.
I made my yearly trip down to Hollywood just in time to see Laura Croft and the Cradle of Life... Well not the movie. The people wouldn't let me in after I managed to climb up and started humping Angelina Jolie's face... Not that I hold any strong attraction to her.. But come on... Boobies that big? How is a man to resist?
But I did manage to sneak my way into a couple major studios... Ok I managed to get into their trash bins were I found a hobo that tried to give me six bucks to give him a hand job, and a couple of dead animals. But I did manage to dig up a couple of scripts that I thought all of you might find enjoyable.
You can find all this and more along with the usual slew of news briefs, games, comics and the never ending supply of ranting, raving, and great techno beats... So for the love of god, enjoy this Tweak Files, because that hobo is offering me more money...
Movies that Are Comming to a Theater Near You:
The Incredibles
As Tweak always says Pixar Animation Studios has a licence to print money. Well, in 2004 they're firing up the press again with this hilarious concept. Check out the trailer.
Underworld
Hot chick... looks like The Crow. I'm sold.
Freddy Vs. Jason
Two of my favorite slashers kick each others ass. It has my matinee money.
Movies that should be comming to a theater near you:
Matweak: Reloaded
The Open Source Community is dead. Extinguished when the Internet was burned. Microsoft has everyone's wallets chained down and is slowly sucking them dry. The chosen one has arisen and a new battle will be fought for control of the new users.
Samuel L. Bronkowitz (A Fist full of Yen) comes back to write, direct, and produce the sequel to the original MaTweak. Expect a new twist on slapstick comedy when Tux takes on Bill Gates at chess! Red Hat gets a new hat! And Red Devil does something good!
Fans are expected to love the highly anticipated sequel. PC Lamer gives it a 110 out of 100 stars. "We admit, we're paid to write these reviews and give them high scores. But if we gave this one something exceptional we'll actually get to meet Trinity from the first movie... And she's well, you know... Hot."
Even Liskel and Gagbert are giving it two hand jobs. "The only other movie we are looking more forward to is M3: Special Delivery in Feel-Around!"
Audience members will need "to-tal consentwation." When watching MaTweak Reloaded if they want to spot all the websites where they can download illegal versions of the movie!
Expect MaTweak: Reloaded to be the top grossing box office film of all time! Right next to Tweaktanic!
Tweaktanic
Everyone knows the story of the Tweaktanic, the worlds largest piece of bloatware. It was called the Operating System of Dreams. It had every luxury feature a well-to-do geek could want. But what was really well known is how it was advertised as the most stable operating system ever to have existed. They called it uncrashable.
Oh, the folly of human pride. On it�s maiden boot-up, the Tweaktanic had a packet collision and went down in the icy depths of cyber-space, taking with it 1500 mp3 files. Where was the fuckup? It doesn�t matter.
Yes, we all know this tragic story. But did you know the story of those onboard the Tweaktanic? Did you know about the love story between the Office Assistant and the Registry�s Daughter? The movie Tweaktanic takes you right into the disaster, showing the true depth of the tragedy. Staring Leonardo D C++ and Kate Applet, this is a movie to take your geek girlfriend to.
Tweakinator 2: Begrudgement Day
In the future, mankind is dying in an endless war with the coffee machines. Year�s ago, the Coffee Machine Collective sent a Tweakinator back in time to kill the mother of Johnny Crocker, the leader of the Tea Drinker�s Association, the only faction of human kind still free of the CMC�s caffeine induced control. The first Tweakinator failed.
Now, another machine, the Mr. Coffee 1000, has been sent back in time to kill Johnny Crocker (Gary Coleman) as a child. But the Crocker of the future has sent back his own Tweakinator (Dom DeLuise) to protect his younger self. Will Johnny get out of this mess alive, or in the end will he be sucking on a cup of joe?
Movies that should never come to a theater near you:
Conan: The Republican
Having become emperor though his heroic deeds, Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has to deal with the complication of being a ruler. People demand attention, and the working class wants lowered taxes. It�s all enough to drive the one-time barbarian to the brink of insanity.
In the meantime, an underground force of left-wing extremists is growing who would like to see him removed from power. Thus, once again, Conan must pick up his sword and slay the evil that plagues his empire. Only he has the power, for he is Conan: The Republican.
M3: Special Delivery
A postman with a dream. That dream is to one day become the greatest President there ever was. But right now. He's a mail man... A humble everyday mail man that is about to change the way you receive your mail.
Mickey the Mailman has a slight problem... He loves to masturbate, and gets a joyful glee when he sprays it on some nearby person. When Mickey is fired from his mailman job, he goes on a quest to put himself in a position to get "A little bit of me, on every one of you."
M3 is the warming story (of more places then just the heart) of a mail man and his rise to running for president. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll take some in the eye, with M3: Special Delivery!
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: The Musical
Jesus has been come back from the Dead, but before he can get along with Armageddon he has to stop a legion of vampires! Joined by Mary Magnum and Santos the God of Mexican Wrestling, Jesus takes on the Dark Legion by singing Hymnals, and other catchy tunes! Such as: "I'm not dead until you stake me!", "Don't leave me hanging on this cross!", and "HOLY SHIT, THAT'S HOLY WATER!"
You'll be singing a dreadful tune of sorrow when you see Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: The Musical!
Reviews: Because our opinions are better than yours
Fallen
Evanescence�s debut album, �Fallen�, will leave listeners gasping for air as the sounds of airy vocals and guitar driven rock engulfs them. The CD�s radio single, �Bring Me To Life�, is a shock to the system of the relatively fast line heartbeat of the rock genre. However, this is not even the tip of the iceberg for Evanescence. Tracks like �Tourniquet� and �My Last Breath� fortify Evanescence�s presence as a genuine rock act. But being hard rockers can be left for the boys as tracks like �My Immortal�, �Imaginary�, and �Hello� show a softer side relatively unseen by bands in this genre.
Of course, current bands are not likely to use stringed instruments and pianos either. By far, Amy Lee�s vocals, as the lead singer, only help to add to the hypnotic rhythms and driving guitar riffs laid down by Ben Moody. Quite frankly, it would be a loss to the music industry and mainstream music has these two not been signed and promoted by Wind-Up Records.
Anyone with half a brain and wallet will want to go out and fork over their hard earned cash to get a listen to the wonderfully deep and refreshing album that will sweep award With the music industry content on making clones of their precious Avril Lavigne and Christina Aguilera, Evanescence is the axe that will eventually behead them. Saying, of course, they don�t live up to their name and disappear, like a whisper.
A Review of Sex
After years of anticipation, Sex has finally been released by Mother Nature Picturestm. Millions of people are expected to take part in this experience, and having had a chance to see it before some others, I�m here to give you a full review and let you know if it lives up to the expectations.
After the opening credits, Sex got off to a great start. It looked as if it was going to be a full fast paced adventure, with lots of subtle nuances that keep even the most anal retentive critic impressed. Unfortunately, it didn�t take long for the introduction to become long winded, and I kept feeling like it should go somewhere when it never did. I guess the director was just trying to keep the tension up. Still, I would have liked to have skipped all that �development�.
Still, eventually the action did start, and from there the Sex really took off. The low points were amazing, and the high points were literally breath taking. Sure, it had a few awkward scenes, but all and all, it was enjoyable. The climax, though was incredible, and really brought out the full expression of the actors. Though it was a bit tiring, and overly long.
I have to say that over all, I was impressed with Sex, and I highly anticipate the sequel. I could see this one spawning a weekly TV series as well.
-Sex was Reviewed by Archmage Trillinon Vilotus
News Briefs: I Think They're Pink
Top News Briefs:
Two Towers Taller, Meaner, and with more flashbacks!
As if the movie wasn't long enough to begin with, Peter Jackson has added in an extra 43 minutes of bonus footage. And brings back the character Boromir.
Gollum Movie Awards
Anyone who saw this knows it's absoulty hilarious.
Tweak of Windsor:
Wal-Mart DVD Service
According to Wal-Mart if you love the "Best of Muppets" you'll love "Nightmare On Elm Street." Which for anyone paying attention has wonderful muppetry... :P Besides, support Netflix, wal-mart doesn't need to make more money.
Evanesence on Tour
This is mostly for thos people in Seattle, Evanescence is playing Bumbershoot, any people who want to go might want to looking into getting August 31st off. ^_^
Homeless Walking Billboards
Forever seeking new ways to advertise, a pizza parlor turns to the homeless, to hold signs, and beg for money... I mean pizza.
Beer For the Homeless
Where a shop in Portland has one idea, the internet has another.
Flapping Like A Bird - A new jet design
Forever have flight designers wanted to fly like birds, now they are just one step closer to being shot at by hunters.
Boy Pissing Beatles
Paul McCarthy expected to complain about a New Delhi boy pissing out former members of his band.
Terriots Tamed by Big Mac, and Porn
People wonder why the terroists groups haven't started bombing again, maybe we've killed there leader? Or they just found that watching gay porn and eating fat greasy foods is just much more entertaining.
FCUK T-Shirts Band From Court
And in other news FUCK T-Shirts are still ok. For those who need to know how to use the shirts, click here.
Metallica Still Angry with St. Anger
In an atempt of spite for the long dead Napster, the boys in Metallica have flooded the internet with copies of John Denver songs desquised as theres. Now isn't that pirating if they are releasing John Denver songs? Just a thought.
Senior Discount For Brothel
New reason to get a fake id. ^_^
Bruce Almighty Warrents Calls From God
Lack of 555 prefix in movie Bruce Almighty has people calling the number trying to find god.
New Scientist: Non Leathal Landmind Uses itself up in one Use
It runs off of 50 D Batteries. And the recharge time is horrible.
New Scientist: Gecko Tape
Finally my dreams of being Spider-Man can come true!!!
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Douglas Adams wins with 42. ^_^
Urban Dictionary
My favorite is google:
Google (goo-gl): God
I worship Google
Politician (l-i-a-r): see personification: Giving human traits to non-human things. Also see republican
BBSpot: Linux Developer Gets Laid
Hell is freezing over and Microsft has been taken over by linux... Oh wait this story isn't true. ^_^
Mad Blast: The Masturbation Song
An ode to self pleasure. It's not safe for work, for those of you at work. Personally no one pleases me better then myself... And I could have done better.
Confusion over new USB names
What the deal is people are calling things different names. Hi-Speed is now the fastest for USB 2.0 Just doing my public service.
New Scientist: Peer to Peer e-mail
The technolgy is that you'd be able to send contact information without a central server.
Sims Online forms Gang
Recently gangs have been formed in the game "Sims Online" characters have begun to form there own gangs and ransacking houses. Godfather eat your heart out.
Top Ten Things I Learned In College
Hands down all very true statements about college, a well put together list.
RIAA Cracking Down on College Students??
Delete your sharing 'cause there coming. The New York Times Requires an account. Luckily for you, we have one for you to use. Login: tweakfiles password: tweakfiles
Archmage Trillinon Vilotus:
The Dribbleglass Collection
During my random searching of the web to find interesting things for you, our worshipers whom we love like our own children, I came upon this facinating site called Dribbleglass. My first thought was, "huh?", but after a few moments I realized that this site was a winner. See, Dribbleglass has a lot of little entertaining things: Quotes, Trivia, Jokes, etc. But their most entertaining piece of work is their billboards. They have a collection of fake billboards that they would like to see, and these advertising monstrosities are actually funny. Here are my personal favorites:
BBSpot: Clippy is a Pirate
Who remembers the paper clip assistant from Microsoft Word? We all do, I'm sure. Well, he's gone rogue and has begun releasing Keycodes for Microsoft Programs. Everyone should know by now, treat your sprites well, or they won't be there when you need them.
BBSpot: Billboard Blocking Technologies
Are you annoyed with billboards popping up while you drive? Well, your automakers have you covered, each releasing ad blocking technologies. I want the missle laucher myself.
New Scientist: Women Need Widescreen for Virtual Navigation
You know that whole thing about men having better spacial awareness, and how that makes them better at videogames? It's bullshit, or sortof. See, if you give a woman a widescreen TV, so that more of her vision is taken up, then she performs just about equal with men in the same situation. So, if you want your girlfriend to be a challenge for you, invest in a bigger TV.
New Scientist: Old age's mental slowdown may be reversible
Yup. Old people get to be smart again. Yay...
New Scientist: Lucky discovery uncovers cancer-proof mouse
Now he doesn't need sunblock to prevent skin-cancer! That, and it may be possible for humans to get this benefit, once we know a little more about genetics.
New Scientist: Video games boost visual skills
We all knew it, but we have the proof. All our time play violent video games really has paid off. The greatest part is, the experiments show that it's the extremely violent games that have the greatest positive effect.
New Scientist: Stem cell 'immortality' gene found
This is a most increadible discovery. If you know anything about gentics, you'll understand that. If you don't, then you probably don't care.
New Scientist: Dawn of human race uncovered
160,000 year old bodies, found in Africa. Read it unless you actually believe the baptists.
MadBlast The Negative Effects of Alcohol
Funny, Very Funny. Makes me want to drink more. And more. And then a little more.
MadBlast Martha Stewart's Living (behind bars)
What else can I say? I never liked her much in the first place, but meh.
Capitol Steps: Iraq's Information Minister
This guy was funny in real life. This is just icing on the humor cake. By the way, he has a fan club. Check it out.
ILoveBacon: Summer's Coming...
There are important things that just have to be done every summer. Reading The Tweak Files is definately top priority, but rating barely second is this:
Four Things that could have Improved The Matrix: Reloaded
This site clames to be the best page in the universe, but that's only possible if he comes from some other dimension where The Tweak Files doesn't exist. Still, we'll let him believe it if he wants, because, in all honesty, he is funny. So expect this site to show up on The Tweak Files more often.
Half Life 2 Preview
It's comming
Credit Card Prank
Ever felt like they never check your signature when you use a credit or debit card? Well, this guy decided to see what he could get away with. It's great
Bodytag.org
They do "electronic art". Not all of it's that great, but some is really worth looking at if you have the time. The link takes you to one of their best.
Internet Dies
The internet crashed a while back. A nasty little worm took in down in 15 minutes, for all extensive purposes. Read about it, and be informed.
The XShok Controller
Is your force feedback not good enough for you? Well, this xbox controller modification is truely electrifying.
Cheapass Games
Are fun games too expensive for you? Do you pirate your videogames? Do you wish you could do the same for your board games? Well, you can't, but here's the next best thing. They create their own games, and they are dirt cheap. Some might even be worth playing.
Magic War Ball
Need to know if you should blow up a country or not? Well, just use the Magic War Ball, it will give you the answer.
Rants: From the Mind of a Tweak
Tweak of Windsor: And I'm not even on drugs
Ranting, the thing I never quite get tired of. Over the last quarter I've taken one class, bought a laptop, and made up with a special person. I'm still living with my parents which never seems to bring the utmost complaining to my mind, but we have resolved some of our difference... I still can't get online at home, which makes things interesting when trying to work on the Tweak Files. Which I am glad to say that I am happy this issue is done. For the first time in over a year I actually sat down and read every bit of information we put on this issue... Which meant I had a pretty big headache by the time we were done.
Beyond the usual problems at home, life is good. I am still going to be attending Highline in the fall, and will hopefully manage to wrap up my AA Degree sometime after that. Afterwards I plan on making another successful trip to some other four year college to get a degree in something... Hopefully I like it... o.O
For the Fall we plan on something that will make all of you giggle. Yes, it's already in the works, expect to be bigger better and messier then this issue. That's all I'm going to say, don't ask any more questions about it. But for those of you who are wondering it should be out sometime around September 19th. But this is us. So expect around September 23.
So as always thank you for giving us a reason to update, without your continued support we would still do this... Just when we felt like it... Wait.. What's changed?? Oh yeah, you should give us money. Give me!
Archmage Trillinon Vilotus: Validate This, Honkis!
Spring quarter is done, and I�m out of school for the summer. Finally time to do all the little things that I�ve been putting off. Wait, doesn�t everyone say that? And aren�t they renowned for never actually doing anything? But, I actually have been doing things. I got my bicycle fixed up, which makes me happy. Nothing like the feeling of moving 20 to 30 miles per hour of your own power.
Also, I broke down and bought Diablo II. I know, I�m going against the proud heritage of software piracy, but I keep coming back to playing that game, so it was worth the money. At least give me some credit, though. It wasn�t The Sims.
I�ve also been hanging out with friends, and generally enjoying life. It just feels so good to be out of college for a quarter. Besides, it�s given me time to work with Tweak on this new issue, which I must admit, I�m rather proud of. I think we really are getting better at this.
If you haven�t already noticed, and why should you have, there are now validation images at the bottom of the page. These are to let the user know that the web page they are viewing is using valid development code. So any time you see them, you know that the builder has an idea of what he�s doing, and is actually promoting growth in Internet technology. See how cool we are! :)
I have also come to a conclusion: I like wine. Cheap wine, nice wine, it doesn�t matter. I also like alcoholic beverage of stronger types, but I find that I get the most enjoyment out of wine. Maybe the Tweak Files should have a section of wines. Hmm� I�ll give it some thought.
So, until next issue, fare thee well.
Games: Killing Time is Easy, it won't fight back
Traffic Jam
Object of game? Get out of traffic!
3 Foot Ninja
Cute, intertaining, and well done. For a Flash game at least
Comics: You'll laugh until we tell you to stop
Cats versus Dogs has taken a new low.
Sinfest: Massive Tool
I think I know that story.
Real Life Comics: Tools for Going to Wal-Mart.
Tweak actually put this up at work. ^_^
Real Life Comics: What SHOULD be done to Super Spys
Now take him to be tortured!
-Kuntucky Fried Movie
PvP Online: One Piece of Legal Software
I know people like that, and it makes me sick. Sick I tell you! ::cough::
Sinfest: Other Erogenous Zones??
For those who just arn't in the know...
Quotes: Because originality takes too much effort
Archmage Trillinon Vilotus
There's always suicide, but how could I live with myself in the morning?
Scott Roeben
I figured out a way to make Death Row a little more fun. Musical electric chairs.
Unknown
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
I Love Bacon
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Unknown
Puberty is the time when a girls voice changes from no to yes.
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