Heart of Space - Azrael

by Maria Rocket

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(Author's Notes: This is the second of five pieces I'm doing on the boys, based on my original 'Heart of Space' fic. Basically it's all going to lead to a series eventually, if ya really want more information, look for my notes in 'HoS-Michael'. Reading that and the original 'Heart of Space' will make this somewhat less confusin' too... ^_^; )

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Slowly opening my eyes, I awaken from a deep sleep. I'm on my back in my bed, with a warmth at my side. As my eyes focus, I can see the faint light of dawn filtering in through my bedroom curtains, though it's still pretty dark in the room. Rubbing at my eyes, I realize I've awoken in full clarity.

Oh well. I'm sure it'll pass soon. Though it's only in little moments of clarity like this that I briefly remember that I'm really the angel of death, Azrael. Blah. I don't welcome these moments anymore. Ignorance is bliss.

Turning my head to look beside me, I see that the warmth is Hilde snuggled against my side. Her arm is draped across me, her hand resting upon my chest. She's beautiful lying there... She's still wearing that blue nightgown from the night before. I'm still in my clothes too. I tug at the white priest collar around my neck, because the stiffness of it is hurting my neck against the bed. It's appropriate in a weird way, I think I've always known that, but in mortal mode, I can never really explain why. But I'm starting to grow out of it, the black garments are becoming tight on me. Hilde says she's going to take me out to get new clothes soon. I'll miss these clothes though. They've become a part of who I am.

But I'm changing inside. It's only natural my outward appearance would change as well.

I remember now...she couldn't sleep, so we were playing a board game in my room. I can still feel the playing board near my feet, and one of the pieces beneath my head...ow. I pull that out from under me and toss it away across the room. I guess I fell asleep during her turn while I was resting my eyes... And she's still here with me.

I know she cares for me...and I want nothing more than to embrace her. But I can't touch her. Not really. I close my eyes and turn my head away. I love her. But I can never have her. It's forbidden for angels to love humans that way. I would become a fallen angel, or worse. Still, I want her.

Glancing back over towards her sleeping form, I wish for the countless time that I could forget Azrael forever and just be Duo Maxwell. That's who I am most of the time anyway. When I'm Duo, I can hold her and pretend I don't know any better. Though I haven't let myself go any further than that. Even when my mind is in mortal mode, my blasted angel mode always has a subconscious say in things. I can never forget completely, as much as I want to. I know Hilde thinks I don't want her...and I know I can't keep dancing circles around her forever. Sooner or later, she'll give up. Then she'll leave me...

I can feel my chest tightening, and tears welling up in my eyes. It's not fair. It's not fair! I'm human now, damn it, was it expected that I wouldn't feel these things!?

I take a deep breath and try to calm down. It wouldn't do for Hilde to wake up and find me like this. I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand, though I can't stop them from flowing. Y'know, I always liked being the angel of death before all this. I got to have the cool black wings, meet lots and lots of new people, and travel all over the place. I'm something of a social type, and to tell the truth, human spirits are a lot more interesting than most angels. Guiding souls into heaven isn't a very long trip, but it sure seems that way. Makes for a lot of conversation time. Usually people are disoriented after they die, which is understandable. But with a little prodding talk to break the ice, and the usual 'this was your life!' slideshow, they tend to figure out what's going on. Some are okay with it, but a lot get depressed. At first, until we reach home. Then comes the whole big reunion with family that got there first, a real sappy bawl fest. That and being in the presence of the Heart of Space always snaps them right out of it. Those moments always made the job all worth it. Life was so good back then...

I used to have tears of joy. But in this world, they're nothing but tears of grief and pain. Me and the other four were sent here to the mortal realm on some big mission...and I don't think any of us were really prepared. Though this world seemed prepared for us in a few strange ways. For instance, even as Duo Maxwell, seems I'm still the angel of death. Guess some habits die real hard. Well, I got it partially right. I call myself the God of Death...heh, hope the Heart of Space doesn't take that as copyright infringement, hehehe... Yeah, I get a little kick outta that. And I got the Deathscythe Gundam, talk about appropriate. I don't think Michael was quite as amused by 'Wing' Zero. But he was never one to really take a good cosmic joke. Though considering most of the stuff that's been flung at us, can't say I blame him. People around here have the habit of dying around me, or by me, which is why I guess I started picking up on the other side of myself. I often think I must be cursed, but being the real deal, I tend to gravitate subconsciously towards people who have that death aura. It's just part of who I am. It's not always my fault people die, not really...I just happen to go where I know on some level that death is going to occur. That's how I finally reunited with Michael. He reeks of death. It was like a bee to honey.

I can't stand it. Now I know why mortals always feared me so much. Seeing the pain and the loss, feeling it...I'd hate me too. Maybe on some level I do. If this tormented existence ever ends, I'm not sure how I'll be able to go back to my old job. Given the chance, I'd rather not have anything to do with the business of death ever again. I don't know if that's possible though, since it's what I am. Grinning death. Feeling Hilde's hand clench against my chest in her sleep, I close my eyes and wish I never had to go back at all...

I know it's crazy thinking this way. I realize being mortal has whacked out my senses, yeah, yeah, Michael has yakked at me about it a million times it seems. Hah, Michael, my Wing Brother...or should I say, mr. perfect soldier, Heero Yuy. What a hypocrite...I know he's pining away for that princess. Still, he thinks he can preach at me about staying away from Hilde. He practically stalks Relena.

I stiffen as Hilde rolls over, practially lying on top of me. I can't control the way my body reacts to her warmth, my heart pounding in my chest, the shortness of breath, or the heat rising from my skin. It's sweet torture, and my eyes slide open with a groan. I want to lose clarity right now. I just want to be Duo, take her in my arms, and... I shudder. Part of me is still recoiling in terror at these needs and desires. But my soul wants to keep her.

And why not? In some ways, she's already mine. I'm the only reason she's still alive. If Michael knew what I've already done, he'd go ballistic. I move my hand to cover hers. I remember when I first met her, an idealistic volunteer OZ soldier. Deep down, I knew on sight that she was going to die. I didn't think about it much at first, after all, she was just another OZ soldier, another obstacle. And as far as I was concerned, that put her on my hitlist anyway. I had no idea how alike we really were. She just wanted to protect the colonies too, though apparently she didn't have a lot of sense. But I guess that made us even, since I was pretty lost myself.

So I talked to her. I didn't have to. The gun she pointed at me didn't scare me at all. Okay, so maybe a little. But not enough to stop me if I had wanted to get away at that moment. She was so interested in figuring me out though, and frankly, I was intrigued. I guess she really took what I told her to heart, cuz after I escaped, she helped me get to the moon base without a thought to herself. She was definitely something else.

I remember having a flash of clarity as I escaped into the base... And feeling bad about leaving her behind out there with what she had to face, especially since I could feel the death aura around her. But I had no choice, I had my mission. I told her not to die in vain. I'd seen people who died with regret and the wrong choices on their heads. I didn't want her to be among them... When I heard her voice tell me that she wouldn't... Something inside me lifted. She wouldn't die in vain because she'd helped me. That's when I really knew something in her had changed, and I couldn't help but feel surprised that it was on my account. I really hoped I would see her again. But I didn't think I would, at least not in this world.

For some reason though, I sought her out again as soon as I got the opportunity. It wasn't like I had anything better to do at the time, finding myself completely lost to my purpose. I was greatly surprised to find her still alive, living as a civilian. At first she thought I came to kill her, which is reaction that doesn't surprise me. But we hit it off pretty well, and ended up living together. She was fascinated with me, and the feeling was mutual. For the first time in a long time, I was really happy again.

Part of me had thought I'd be happy again when I'd found Michael, but he had changed so much, I could hardly talk to him anymore. That's never stopped me from trying to break through Heero's shell, but the guy's a rock. I needed something softer to confide in. Or rather, someone. A long time ago when I was living on the streets, it had been Solo, the only one I ever told my secret to. It was a foolish thing to do, but the world didn't ice over or anything. I was still reeling from the situation I'd found myself in after descending, and needed someone to talk to. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought I was a little off, especially since I wouldn't know what the heck he was talking about if he mentioned it most of the time, since I only remember my true self during clarity. Then again, maybe he believed me a little. Right before he died, he looked at me in this way...and told me he could see my black wings.

I never told him my wings were black.

Then the boy died, but not before telling me he'd always be with me. He had no idea what that meant to me, especially with my experience. I know he's here, I feel his presence from time to time. And no doubt he knows what kind of trouble I've gotten myself into. Solo knew me as Azrael, but I couldn't keep that name in this world. After he passed on, I took the name Duo, knowing he'd always be there with me. As Duo, I still remember my old name because of what Solo called me, though not even Hilde can make my say it aloud. It's just one of those things.

I think of myself more as Duo anyway. To tell the truth, there isn't much difference between myself in and out of clarity. I simply have a bigger perspective of things. But there's only one view I want, and it's the one I get when I turn my head to look at the earth angel beside me.

Beneath the pressure of her hand on my chest, I can feel the silver cross I wear digging into my skin. I wonder what Sister Helen and Father Maxwell would have thought if I'd ever told them. Looking back, I would have liked to hear their views on this whole mess. Heh, we could talk this sort of business until we were blue in the face. Given who I am, my mortal stance on what people call God was pretty ironic. I refused to believe, because I couldn't make sense out of it. Or who knows, maybe I was feeling kinda bitter given the situation I'd been put into. It felt as though everything I'd ever known had gone away forever. But the church comforted me.

It reminded me of home.

I ended up staying there, since none of the families they tried to place me with could put up with me. And I didn't mind at all. I wanted to be in the church. Sadly, maybe for a few reasons I wasn't even aware of yet. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell were like family to me, and for a time, I was at peace. I thought maybe I could be happy. Then the war came...and again I found my presence meant death to everyone around me. The church was destroyed, and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell were killed. My peace was shattered. That's when I really began to understand what I was, even on a mortal level. That's when I became Duo Maxwell, the God of Death.

And even though I found Hilde alive, I knew she was still marked to die. And the closer I got to her, the more I dreaded the hovering event to come. I remember my time with the ZERO system...that sucker forces clarity so bad while screwing with your head, it's worse than a hangover. It made me see her dying, and for the first time I knew how much I loved her. The vision shook me up real bad. I wanted to do something to prevent it. But I knew I couldn't do anything about it. That kind of interference is almost as bad as loving her. But when it comes to Hilde, I seem to be breaking every rule in the book.

After that, I decided on all levels that I had to get away from her. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but given my record, better safe than sorry. Besides, I had to keep fighting, and she would be better off without me. She wanted to fight with me, but considering what I was trying to protect her from that whole idea was crazy talk.

I suppose I should have known my Hilde wouldn't be content to just sit back and watch things happen. Next thing I know, she's out in space in a Taurus suit running from two glorified mobile dolls. I nearly had a heart attack!

Especially when I realized that Hilde had really met the end of the line. As I heard her voice calling out on my radio, I knew she was going to die, right there. I had no clarity at the time, but it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. I saved her.

She hasn't had a death aura since then. What this will eventually mean for either of us, I don't know. And I suppose I don't care. She's mine now, and I'm hers. And if Michael wants to make an issue out of it...well...he can go to hell.

The war is over, I did my part. There's no more need for Azrael.

I turn against Hilde and wrap my arms around her. She's so warm and full of life... And though part of me still remains cautious and afraid, I hold her tightly in my arms and hide my face her in black hair with a happy sigh. I won't let anything take her from me.

Her bright blue eyes open and her face lifts to look into mine. My clarity is leaving me...good. I caress her cheek with my fingers and smile. Mortal or angel, I always love her. No matter what the cost...

...When did I wake up? Suddenly that isn't important, because Hilde's pressed up against me, wrapping her arms around me. Her eyes are burning into mine, asking for what I'm still too nervous to give her. She whispers a good morning to me, and I find myself looking at her soft lips. A peaceful calm tinged with desire flows through me, and I lean in to meet her lips with my own. As she returns my kiss, emotion and pleasure shakes me to my very core...

Never in my life have I been so glad to be Duo Maxwell.