Heart of Space - Michael

by Maria Rocket

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(Author's Notes: Okay, when I wrote the original 'Heart of Space', I was trying to express this idea, but frankly, I wasn't sure how to go about doing it. So, I made do with the original piece, and I was fine with that by itself. But then I eventually started getting the idea to do some spinoff pieces for each of the guys, taking place after the end of the GW series. Of which, this is the first. ^_^ However, as I was brainstorming the ideas for these, I ran into a little speedbump (which, surprise surprise, was Duo an' Hilde ^^;;). Suddenly, I have a springboard to turn these little spinoffs into a fullblown series, which I've already decided would take place after Endless Waltz. However, I'm already working on another series, and I've yet to see Waltz. But regardless of where 'Apocalypse' is (though I want to give it more time to itself), I'm gonna hold off on the series these pieces are a prelude to until I've seen Waltz. Well, I'm gonna try anyway... I apologize in advance for what I'm going to be doing with Zechs...believe me, I thought a long time about him. ^^; (I'd apologize for Treize too, but, well...he's dead. ^^;;; )

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It's a wonder she doesn't notice me standing here. If she were to turn around from where she sits on that bench, she'd see me. But she's obviously lost in her thoughts, and that big orange sunset over the ocean waters just beyond us. So I stand here, watching over her. As I always have.

Standing here in the deep shadow of a willow tree, I have a short time of clarity. It is as if I wake from a dream, and remember who I truly am. And what I am. My name is Michael, and I am what mortals call an angel. It no longer shocks me as it once did. I remember, and I accept it as part of who I am. Although I am of one mind, in my years living in this state, there is a distinct schism in my spirit. Especially when it comes to a girl named Relena Peacecraft.

I can still remember the first time I saw her beautiful soul. Long before she was even conceived, I watched over her. She was pure and tiny, destined for extraordinary things in the mortal world. I saw how delicate her soul was, and the path she must take, and immediately, I wanted to be her guardian. It would not be for long, since I had also been selected among five for a special task.

I remember that day she became fascinated by a little terrorist boy she met at school when she was still a child. Despite the fact that he nearly got her killed through his actions, she cared about him. She could see the purity in his soul reflect her own, despite how his life had formed him. My heart went out to her in sorrow, because my Wing Brother, the angel of death, had told me that he would soon be taking the boy.

I see that boy's face often. Because it is now my own.

When I came to the mortal realm, I became that boy. I'm still not sure why. Maybe I wanted to be sure Relena recognized me, even if I couldn't recognize her. Thinking back on it now, that really wasn't a good idea. I had no clue what sort of person I was to become. I don't think I possibly could have imagined what was in store for me.

I would have been horrified if I had known I would take a gun to my precious Relena time and time again. I might not have come at all if I had known I'd try to take my own life repeatedly. ...That's my mortal side speaking. I could never refuse the Heart of Space anything.

Subconsciously though, I always cared for Relena. Even in my mortal state, there was, and always is a feeling that directs me from my angel state. As Heero Yuy, I must take care to act on my feelings... I remember the first time I met Relena in this world, flinging my hand up to hide my face, desperate that she not see me, that she not recognize me. I could have killed her even then at that moment, yet my feelings fought within me. Torn between the impulses of my angel self, and my mortal self, I chose the only second option my mind would accept at the time.

I tried to kill myself.

Luckily, the explosive device in my flightsuit malfunctioned. So I ran, sparing both myself and Relena. However, our lives seemed to be crossed, and there was no avoiding her. As a result, I tried killing her many times. Yet my true heart would never allow me to follow it through. The closest I ever came to actually killing her was the second time, on her birthday.

She had followed me, and I felt a moment of clarity when she approached me from behind. It was a brief, sadistic moment. I turned and saw her there, and knew how my mortal side would react upon being discovered there. I spoke her name, and wanted to plead with her to run, and to get away from her myself. But I knew there was nothing I could do. Before I could move, the clarity was gone, and I was going to shoot her.

My Wing Brother has my eternal gratitude for appearing when he did. He shot me, taking my attention away from Relena. Azrael always has a sharp sense for death, and being as I became, perhaps that naturally drew him to me. Strangely, even in his mortal state of Duo Maxwell, he associates himself with death. Though death in this world has pained him far more than it ever did as the angel of death. He no longer sees the free spirits, only the dead bodies and pain left behind. Despite it all, he still tries to keep the same cheerful attitude he had before descending.

I've never been the cheerful sort. At least, not within recent memory. Even before descending, I'd seen countless battles, unlike anything humankind could imagine. I was the captain of an angelic army, and had battled the dark forces since the beginning of time. I was the one who threw the Dark Angel down to Earth long ago, and made sure all his followers were fallen with him. It was terrible, watching so many old friends lost forever. Such memories leave me saddened.

Once being in the presence of the Heart of Space, or the light joy of Azrael could bring me peace from those memories. Now that I am mortal though, I have very little peace. My heart is heavy from the life I have led, and for my mortal mind, I find it is not so simple to escape. Yet, as I stand here watching Relena, I feel at peace. I feel myself smiling.

I'm smiling, because I remember her once asking if I was a little prince. Sometimes I wonder if she knows more than she admits about me. I am a prince. Indeed, all of us angels could be considered princes. Yet I in particular am known as the prince of the angels. These days though, I take the title no more seriously than Relena did her title as queen of the world.

I am nothing now other than a twisted little mortal. A twisted little mortal with the strangest tastes in clothing. Chainmail wasn't anywhere near as sadistic as the spandex I ran around in for the longest time. I would have thought Azrael would be the one to end up dressing funny...well, he does, but that's different. Thankfully, I've since changed my tastes to the jeans I now wear. The green tanktop I still wear under my leather jacket is quite comfortable though, as were the yellow sneakers. But, my current leather shoes are just as comfortable, and not nearly as silly looking. Leather really is more my style than the white robes some might think.

The sun has almost disappeared behind the water. I don't want it to go, I don't want Relena to leave. I want to keep this moment, and stay with her forever. But when she gets up, I know I'll leave, and I can never know when I'll ever see her again.

Like when I left her aboard the Peacemillian to fight Epyon. I had been overwhelmed with the need to protect her, even as Heero. Yet my task called to me. I had to fight the Dark Angel's newest pawn, the gundam in his image. I still don't know what to make of Zechs as far his association with that one goes. Maybe I'd rather not know. He is still Relena's brother, and I would rather not think of him as anything other than that.

I remember that moment I left her behind... As she confronted me there in Wing Zero's cockpit, I was not able to restrain the smile that came to my lips when I realized that I was thinking in full clarity while she was speaking to me. I thought it might pass quickly, but when it didn't, I knew I had an opportunity to truly speak to her for the first time. I didn't let her go, and chose my words carefully. That was the first time I really felt...the compulsion. My entire being had wanted to touch her, and it was all I could do to stop myself from actually kissing her. She didn't make it any easier, and I had to push her away from the gundam. I didn't lose clarity until after I had closed the cockpit, closing the gap between us.

I haven't been that close to her since. Still, she haunts my dreams. My mortal side longs for her in every quiet moment. It is a love and a desire so saturating, that it has long since become one with my angel side. But while my mortal side damns the consequences of following this particular feeling, my angel side fears the damning of my very soul if I do. Relations between humans and angels is forbidden. Even in my mortal state, it is still so. Subconsciously, I always know this. If I were to ignore the law, I would become a fallen angel.

I believed I was fallen once, as did the other four. We knew the situation we were going into, but on the Earth, how could we be described other than fallen angels? It took a long time for us to break this psychological block. I remember how lost I was, so many times. Memories of my experiences in the Epyon still disturb me. The system caused me to have forced clarity on many occasions, making me very disorientated. I had similar experiences with the ZERO system, but nowhere near as frightening. I remember Trieze asking me to kill him after I returned to him with Epyon. I was so out of it that I spoke freely as myself, instead of watching my speech. My mortal side would have certainly considered killing him.

Everyday though, I find that the gap between my mortal side and my angel side is slowly disappearing. My clarity comes more and more often these days. What this means, and what is to become of me now, I don't know. As far as I know, I've completed my mission. I won my battle in heaven against the Dark Angel, and Trieze is dead. The mortal realm is safe. All I can do now is stay out of the way.

That's what the five of us are trying to do. Gabriel has engrossed himself in running his corporation as Quatre Raberba Winner. Of all of us, he is the closest to the Heart of Space. Even in his mortal state he seems to have retained abilities we would normally only have in our moments of clarity. I suspect he may even be capable of forcing his own clarity. I wouldn't be surprised. He has always had a mind like that of pure crystal. Of all of us, I never would have thought he'd come nearest to falling. But I'd rather not think about that. He's himself again, and that's all that matters. And because he hears the Heart of Space so often, I worry about him the least these days.

His Wing Brother, Raphael, also doesn't worry me much. He now spends his days as a circus performer, under the name of Trowa Barton. I don't know much about how much clarity he really has, but Gabriel watches over him closely. It's likely he knows one way or another his responsibilities, as he is always very quiet.

I don't know what's become of Uriel. He's the only lone angel among us, and completely devoted to his task. His mortal name is Chang Wufei, but other than that, I know very little. Even here, he seems to prefer flying alone, keeping away from the rest of us. I don't really worry about him though. His intense devotion is clear, even when his angel side is locked within. I can only assume he is staying low as I am.

Then there's Azrael.

My own Wing Brother....concerns me. I know he's become very attached to a mortal girl named Hilde. I know his feelings, and what he feels for that girl reminds me very much of what I feel for Relena. But he has been living with Hilde, throwing all caution to the wind. At first I thought that maybe his mortal side was completely overwhelming his angel side. However, during moments of dual clarity, he has totally shut me out whenever I try to warn him of his actions concerning Hilde. He's never done that before.

I'm afraid for him. For us. I feel his pain, but I can only pray he comes to his senses before it's too late. I will not leave this realm without him.

It's gotten so dark. Seeing Relena finally rising from the bench, I step back automatically. It's over too soon. Goodbye my dear...

"...Relena," I whisper. It feels as though I've just gotten here. When did the sun go down? She's turning now, so I quickly retreat back through the shadow of the willow tree and over the next hill. I keep my eyes towards the ground. I don't know why I even came here. I'm a fool to even entertain thoughts of her. She's a princess, and I'm...well, I'm me. It would never work out.

Even so, I would like nothing more in the world than to go to her now. Yet I hold myself back. Something inside won't let me. Probably common sense. So much for acting on my emotions.

Escaping into the darkness, I force Relena from my thoughts. I have other things to do. I must...