On Stage

by Maria Rocket

***

Author's Note: I'm suffering from extreme writer's block... This is the insanity that results as I try to break it. Run...run now... O.O;

***

Duo danced onto the set. He wasn't dancing very good, since the writer couldn't write anything decent at the time.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" Duo moped. "You're just going to have me do stupid stuff. I wanna go back to kissin' Hilde in that one story where the author can actually 'write.'

Suddenly, Duo grew a big pair of glossy bat wings.

Duo looked back in surprise. A big grin spread over his features. "Whoa! Cool! I may like this after all..."

Suddenly, Heero sprang onto the set wearing a pink tutu. He was staring at the author with steam coming out of his ears and giving the world's most terrifying deathglare.

"Omae o korosu!!!" He roared.

Duo busted up laughing. "Oh man, it 'does' get better!"

Gritting his teeth, Heero turned on Duo. "You!!" He jumped Duo, causing a big cartoon fight cloud to erupt on stage. Duo could be heard squealing for his life.

Meanwhile, Quatre wanders upstage and peers out into the darkness of the fanfic abyss. "Uh...anyone out there?" He clears his throat and pulls his violin out of nowhere. He begins to play beautifully. His music actually drowns out the sounds of Heero killing Duo in the background.

"Dude," Trowa noted, wandering onstage as well, "not only am I going to be totally out of character, but the tenses are really outta whack!" Trowa then takes out his electric guitar and begins jamming with Quatre.

Until Heero suddenly goes flying from a well placed kick from Duo, smashing into Quatre from behind. Heero and a bug-eyed Quatre go crashing off into the abyss, and there's the sound of breaking violin strings as they go.

Trowa narrows his eyes and peers over into the abyss on his tip-toes. "Dude."

"I hate hate hate these kind of fics!" Cried Duo, his clothes now nearly ripped from his body, his braid complelely unraveled, and his batwings somewhat tattered.

Trowa looked over at him. "Cool look. I need one too." He pulled out a pair of scissors and clipped off his bang. "Groovy." He stares out into the abyss. "C'mon, help me out here."

Suddenly, because it's always suddenly, Trowa turned into a little pink kitty cat. "Nyaaa."

Terrified, Duo dashed about the stage. "Where am I? C'mon, at least the author usually reassures us by actually being present in these kind of insane fics! This is just scary! I'm all alone! WAAHH!!"

Suddenly, again, Wufei falls from the sky and onto Duo.

Wufei stands up, but doesn't get off of Duo. "Damn, not one of these freakish things again..." He looked down at the little pink Trowa kitty rubbing against his leg. "Somehow, I know that's Trowa...." Wufei turned a few shades of plaid.

"Get off!" Duo pushes Wufei off with his wings and gets up. "Yeah, that's Trowa...or what used to be Trowa. We're stuck here until the insane author gets over writer's block."

"And with our luck, we'll end up in another confusing Blair Witch crossover," Wufei grumbled. "I was the one who ran into that tent, you know. You idiots could have left a light on."

"How the hell was I supposed to know?" Duo grumbled back.

"At least it was worth it to see how Heero and Relena had made you and your weak woman stand in the corner after you stumbled onto their cheesy little love shack," Wufei snickered.

"Oh, shut up, you!" Duo turned away to give attention to his poor torn wings.

"And let's not forget that...interesting...footage that Marimeia's girl scout troop handed over to the police..." Wufei busted up laughing.

Clenching his fists, Duo turned red all the way to his wingtips. "Shut up! Hey, I'll have you know Hilde's still suing the police department for those tapes! That was a tender moment!"

"Didn't they show your tender moments at that last Cinq Police Charity Dance?" Wufei grinned evilly.

"ARGHH!!!" Duo jumped Wufei, and they began beating the heck outta each other.

SUDDENLY! Dorothy floated over them. "WHOOOO!!!!"

Duo and Wufei shrieked like girls and clung to each other. "It's the witch!" They cried in unison.

"Where's my dear little Quatreeeeee..." Dorothy purred.

Somewhere out in the abyss, Quatre screamed in horror.

The little pink Trowa cat hissed and suddenly grew little silver wings. "NYAAA!!" It flew into the air to do battle with Dorothy.

Duo and Wufei watched in dumb horror as Trowakitty and Dorothy fought, dealing many eyebrow lashes and claw slashes.

Suddenly, Quatre jumped back out of the abyss. "Trowa! Do Fury Swipes!"

"NYAAA!" Trowakitty swiped repeated at Dorothy until she began to fade away.

"What a world, what a worldddd..." Dorothy moaned before she finally disappeared forever.

"Hurrah!" Quatre cheered and did a little dance of joy. He picked up the little Trowakitty and danced with him. "Now let's go to the pet shop and get you a flea collar!"

"NYAA!" Trowakitty agreed happily.

With round, confused eyes, Duo and Wufei watched them walk off stage.

"I...really wanna go now," Duo whimpered.

Suddenly, Duo turned into an actual little bat.

"AAHH! Whoa! Well...at least I can still talk," Duo mumbled as he flapped around.

Wufei looked completely freaked out.

"Hey, I wonder if I'm a vampire bat!" Duo squeaked.

"AAHHH!!!" Wufei covered up his neck with a convient candycane striped scarf.

"Hmm...no, I think I have a craving for apples." Duo decided.

"Whew."

Heero climbed back onstage, now without a tutu.

Wufei screamed.

"I'm wearing pants, you idiot," Heero grumbled.

Actually, he was wearing pink spandex.

Heero 'somehow' managed to lift the Wing Zero's buster rifle all by himself and aim it towards where it supposed the author must be. "Get us all out of this hell, or die."

However, the author still wasn't talking to them, or out of her writer's block, so Heero could do nothing but destroy the nonexistant landscape for a few hours uselessly.

So...a few hours later....

With a bored expression, Duo looked up at Heero. "Hey, pink spandex boy, done yet?"

"DIE!" Heero aimed and fired point blank at Duo, laughing manically. Thankfully, since this fic is pure nonsense, Duo came out of it alive, though looking like a smoking piece of charcoal.

Wufei wandered off stage. "That's it, I'm just hiding until this is over."

Still black as charcoal, Duo glared off in his direction. "Don't come wandering back in the middle of the night this time, you...!"

A tomato came flying from where Wufei had left, smacking Duo in the head.

Duo just fumed.

Meanwhile, Heero was trying to pull his wings off.

"Hey! Stop it Heero!"

"You have some kind of parasite on you! Hold still Duo!"

"Heero, they're my wings, you moron!"

Heero still pulled on them, to Duo's major dismay.

"OWWW!! Quit it!" Duo cried.

Suddenly, Heero stopped and blinked. "Hey, weren't you a little bat a few hours ago?"

"You expect the author of this insanity to actually think about continuity?" Duo moaned.

Suddenly, Quatre landed on them from out of nowhere, wearing a tarzan outfit. Complete with tarzan call, pounding on his chest. Heero and Duo stared up at him bug-eyed.

On Quatre's shoulder sat little pink Trowakitty, who roared loudly.

"Come Cheetrowa!" Quatre did his tarzan call again and swung out into the abyss on a vine from nowhere. "We must save the lions!"

Very slowly, Duo ran his hands through his chestnut hair. "I...I wasn't even this scared in that witch fiasco..." He looked up with terrified eyes. "I wanna go home! I want my cheetos! WAHAHAHAA!!!"

Heero hands Duo a bag of cheetos. "Here."

Duo opens the bag and sticks it over his head, letting the cheetos spill out over his head.

Heero gives him a strange look. Then his eyes turned as Relena came onstage on a galloping blue unicorn. Relena herself was wearing a flowing pink dress. For some reason, she was moving in slow motion with a blinding light behind her, with glitter flying everywhere.

The glitter made Duo sneeze uncontrollably, while stonefaced Heero suddenly developed a strange twitch in one of his cheeks.

"Uh..." Hearing a strange forest melody come out of nowhere, Duo removed the cheetos bag from his head and looked around. "Where's that freaky music coming from?" Then he saw Relena. "Ooh...figures."

Relena dismounted the unicorn and practically flew into Heero's arms with a perhaps, overly seductive smile. "Heero, it's time you killed me," she kissed his nose.

Heero looked down on her sternly. "Fine."

Next thing anyone knew, Heero and Relena were making out madly in the corner of the stage.

With a sigh, Duo covered his face and went to the far opposite end. "Maybe...maybe if I jumped off this stage, then it would all end...I mean, even Quatre and Trowa were able to go out there..."

Somewhere out there, Quatre was heard doing his tarzan call.

"Somewhere, out there," Duo began to sing, "beyond the pale moonlighttt..."

The blue unicorn trotted up behind the braided batboy and smacked him soundly over the head.

"OWW!"

Suddenly, the blue unicorn turned into Hilde with little blue cat ears.

"Hilde!" Duo clutches onto her sobbing hysterically.

"Get a grip, Duo," Hilde sighed. "I've come to save you from the muffin man."

"The muffin man?" Duo blinked.

Suddenly, Zechs sprung onstage, dressed as a large blueberry muffin. Around him are a horde of little blueberry muffins with feet.

Duo attempts to jump the stage, but Hilde has him firmly by the braid. "Hold still and maybe he won't see you!"

Zechs the muffin man turns on Heero, who is still making out with Relena in the corner. "You!!!" His eyes turn firey red, and he pulls Heero away, slapping him silly. "Now you will face the muffinator!"

Heero glares. "No."

Then in three really big bites, Heero eats Zechs, leaving nothing but crumbs. He turns back to a half-dressed Relena with a wild gleam in his eye. "Yummy." Then he jumps Relena again.

Meanwhile, Duo is looking very very ill. The little blueberry muffin army is now headed his way. Desperate to end it all, he throws a mini-nuclear device onstage.

"This insanity ends now!" With that, Duo scooped up a very confused looking Hilde in his arms and spread his wings with a loud leathery flapping noise. Just as the stage explodes, he leaps off and glides away into the darkness.

Somewhere, out there, Quatre sings 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight.'

...