December 9, 1997
xxxxxFor most of my life I have been watching people as they go about their daily lives. I try to notice everyone and have done so ever since I was little. My first 13 years I was raised in the mountains in Pennsylvania by my Grandma and Grandpa and great aunts and uncles. They instilled in me early in that life the ideals of their generation. We were a clan and would make visits to several different relatives houses every Sunday. I would hear their stories about how they were treated and how they thought others should be as well. Coming from a tiny coal mining communitiy their ideas and lives were straight forward and honest. Everyone depending on each other and taking care of each other without any second thought about what they were doing because it was the right way to treat your family or your neighbor. After going to live with my Father at fourteen I became inmmersed in a new culture, a new life. Through his efforts and shared experiences, the family ties and friends that I established there, in that whole other country called Texas, I watched and grew even more.
xxxxxThrough the support of those that raised me, coupled with my own experiences and my travels around the country, I was finally able to sit down and put some of this to paper. I hope that you enjoy it.
Kayleen.........................
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Table of contents
| DATED STORY TITLES | ------------------- | * |
| JUST A MOMENT | ------------------- | 1 |
| LISTEN | ------------------- | 2 |
| SAYING THINGS | ------------------- | 3 |
| I WONDER | ------------------- | 4 |
| THINK | ------------------- | 5 |
| LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW | ------------------- | 6 |
| WORDS | ------------------- | 7 |
| BOTH SIDES | ------------------- | 8 |
| MORE OFTEN | ------------------- | 9 |
| JUST A STORY | ------------------- | 10 |
| NAILS | ------------------- | 11 |
| THE BRASS RING | ------------------- | 12 |
| I BETTER BE MORE CAREFUL | ------------------- | 13 |
| JUST LOOK IN MY EYES | ------------------- | 14 |
| OUT OF THE NIGHT | ------------------- | 15 |
| WHAT IS LIFE? | ------------------- | 16 |
| I ASK MYSELF | ------------------- | 17 |
| A LONG,LONG TIME AGO | ------------------- | 18 |
| I DREAM | ------------------- | 19 |
| PICK ONE | ------------------- | 20 |
| REMEMBER | ------------------- | 21 |
| THE SPINNING OF THE HANDS | ------------------- | 22 |
| HEART | ------------------- | 23 |
| I CANNOT | ------------------- | 24 |
| A FAMILIAR PLACE | ------------------- | 25 |
| FEELING THE SOUND | ------------------- | 26 |
| NOW | ------------------- | 27 |
| QUESTIONS | ------------------- | 28 |
| VOICES | ------------------- | 29 |
| A TIME | ------------------- | 30 |
| NEXT TIME | ------------------- | 31 |
| BREAK ME FREE | ------------------- | 32 |
| LEAP OF FAITH | ------------------- | 33 |
| TA'SHA - CADDO FOR WOLF OR FRIEND | ------------------- | 34 |
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* Dated Story Titles
� August 19, 1998
| 1 | JUST A MOMENT | 4 | September | 1994 |
| 2 | LISTEN | 4 | September | 1994 |
| 3 | SAYING THINGS | 5 | September | 1994 |
| 4 | I WONDER | 7 | September | 1994 |
| 5 | THINK | 6 | October | 1994 |
| 6 | LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW | 27 | October | 1994 |
| 7 | WORDS | 2 | November | 1994 |
| 8 | BOTH SIDES | 16 | January | 1995 |
| 9 | MORE OFTEN | 4 | Febuary | 1995 |
| 10 | JUST A STORY | 26 | May | 1995 |
| 11 | NAILS | 7 | October | 1995 |
| 12 | THE BRASS RING | 14 | January | 1996 |
| 13 | I BETTER BE MORE CAREFUL | 27 | May | 1996 |
| 14 | JUST LOOK IN MY EYES | 17 | June | 1996 |
| 15 | OUT OF THE NIGHT | 7 | July | 1996 |
| 16 | WHAT IS LIFE | 19 | November | 1996 |
| 17 | I ASK MYSELF | 7 | December | 1996 |
| 18 | A LONG, LONG TIME AGO | 23 | Febuary | 1997 |
| 19 | I DREAM | 4 | August | 1997 |
| 20 | PICK ONE | 18 | August | 1997 |
| 21 | REMEMBER | 28 | August | 1997 |
| 22 | THE SPINNING OF THE HANDS | 11 | October | 1997 |
| 23 | HEART | 27 | November | 1997 |
| 24 | I CANNOT | 1 | October | 1998 |
| 25 | A FAMILIAR PLACE | 18 | May | 1999 |
| 26 | FEELING THE SOUND | 1 | October | 1999 |
| 27 | NOW | 5 | October | 1999 |
| 28 | QUESTIONS | 7 | October | 1999 |
| 29 | VOICES | 10 | October | 1999 |
| 30 | A TIME | 17 | October | 1999 |
| 31 | NEXT TIME | 28 | November | 1999 |
| 32 | BREAK ME FREE | 3 | January | 2000 |
| 33 | LEAP OF FAITH | 18 | March | 2000 |
| 34 | TA'SHA - CADDO FOR WOLF OR FRIEND | 11 | October | 1996 |
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1)..
JUST A MOMENT
xxxxxThere is a young woman who has stopped at the granite stairway leading to the large building of red brick that lies beyond the courtyard.
xxxxxShe thinks of her life to come.
xxxxxShe knows she can be creative and has taught herself to play the old guitar that her father had given her. She has felt the music pour out of her like milk from a fine glass pitcher.
xxxxxThe time is early fall just before the leaves are about to invoke their glorious dance of colors for all to see.
xxxxxShe wishes that she had the opportunity to play other instruments, even imagining ones that don?t exist.
xxxxxThrough some strange quirk of fate, she is afforded just that chance, by being transported forward in time from her own in 1843, to the future. There she is to be given the chance of befriending and training with Yanni, one of the premiere musicians of the 21st century.
xxxxxAfter learning all she could and upon reaching the pinnacle of personal experience and grand satisfaction, she finds herself in a personal dialogue with Yanni. As she is expressing her gratitude and Yanni is revealing his own approval and gladness for her, she is sent back to her own time, as if she had been dreaming some elaborate dream.
xxxxxNow in the next moment, she is moving on to the next event in her life. Retaining the memories of having been a devoted student and still clutching the knowledge from a great teacher, she has been transformed into a confident young woman preparing to embark on her future at a school of music. She has learned that our dreams are realized in just a moment of time and soon she would set the stage for the rest of her life.
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2)..
LISTEN
xxxxxListen... Shhh... Can you hear it? I can feel the whole house shake.
xxxxxOne never knows when it will come.
xxxxxI can feel it on my skin. Silky and caressing.
xxxxxI reach out to feel it. I try to hold it in my hand, but cannot.
xxxxxIt is far too elusive for one to grasp and hold onto. I have tried many times and only tried in vain. For it is not something to be held by just one individual.
xxxxxWhile moving through it, it has supported me effortlessly.
xxxxxSometimes it has hit me so hard that it has caused me great pain. It has ripped and torn at my being so as to almost make me bleed.
xxxxxIt has brought me to the edge of tears on many an occasion.
xxxxxYet at other times it has made me to feel grateful and totally relieved.
xxxxxIt has whispered to me during many mornings and an equal number of nights.
xxxxxSometimes it has screamed at me with such power as to make me realize just how small a place in this universe I occupy.
xxxxxBut more often than not it has revived and comforted me.
xxxxxMore often than not it has blessed me with a wonderful night?s sleep and greeted me with the most beautiful of days.
xxxxxThe wind.
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3)..
SAYING THINGS
xxxxxBig and little.
xxxxxIn and out.
xxxxxTo and fro.
xxxxxWe are all so busy.
xxxxxI just don?t have enough time to get things done.
xxxxxHey! That?s not right. Do it my way.
xxxxxDon?t be different than me.
xxxxxI just can?t come by today.
xxxxxI have so much to do today.
xxxxxDon?t bother me right now!
xxxxxCan?t you do that somewhere else?
xxxxxTurn that down!
xxxxxTurn that off!
xxxxxYou never think of me.
xxxxxYou always want me to do something.
xxxxxI can never count on you to do anything right.
xxxxxEvery time you touch something you break it.
xxxxxYou jerk, it was my turn!
xxxxxMy God, did you see how she is dressed?
xxxxxHave you ever seen anyone act so stupid?
xxxxxI would never say anything to hurt you, but...
xxxxxI told you so.
xxxxxI knew that you would do that.
xxxxxSometimes I wish that you had never been born!
xxxxxYou never talk to me.
xxxxxI never get to go anywhere.
xxxxxYou never buy me anything.
xxxxxOn no, she?s not going to go along is she?
xxxxxYou can?t tell me what to do!
xxxxxI don?t have to listen to anyone.
xxxxxI?m the boss around here!
xxxxxIf you don?t like it then go somewhere else.
xxxxxI never acted like that.
xxxxxWell, if you ask me....?
xxxxxWe say things all day long. What have you said to your neighbor or your wife or your mate or your friend today? For that matter, what have you said to the person next to you or that stranger you met today?
xxxxxSometimes we say nothing at all. But we would really like to.
xxxxxToday is not forever. And tomorrow may never come.
xxxxxSo after a lifetime of hearing people say things, I have come to value a ?Hello? for a stranger, a hug to a friend and an ?I love you? to the ones that mean the most.
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4)..
I WONDER
xxxxxI am searching. I don?t know for what though.
xxxxxI look out beyond my surroundings and begin to wonder. Wonder? Maybe it?s the greatest of all the gifts that we have been given.
xxxxxTo see the soft liquid of the sea with it?s gentle waves as they are brushed across the water?s surface and I begin to wonder.
xxxxxSeeing the beautiful and graceful swan as it glides past me effortlessly with it?s head held high makes me wonder.
xxxxxThe waves lapping at the shoreline moving in and out touching the sand and forming an endless line of small pools, each with it?s own small cycle of life. And I wonder.
xxxxxThe tree standing so tall and strong anchored in place with it?s mighty roots, holding it?s great outstretched limbs as if waiting to give me shelter. And I wonder.
xxxxxI see the sky, the prettiest shade of blue, like that seen in a baby?s eyes. And I wonder.
xxxxxI see the squirrel going about it?s daily life of visiting friends, gathering food and storing it for the winter, taking responsibility for it?s own life. And I wonder.
xxxxxThe order and straightforward interaction of all species and things gives one cause to wonder at the extraordinary play of the life around ourselves.
xxxxxThe greatest wonder of all I would suggest are the peoples of the planet and the things that we have created. Not just things but also the situations and events.
xxxxxLittle known but fantastic civilizations have come and gone. With only bits and pieces to go on, one really has to wonder just what kind of life was created for those peoples. I am sure that many from the past have wondered what the future peoples would do with what they were given and what they would take from the Earth to better their selves and the peoples to come after them.
xxxxxI see the peoples of the beautiful planet Earth. And I wonder.
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5)..
THINK
xxxxxThe lights across the water are like stars on a clear night. I feel as though I could touch them but I know they are not within my grasp. Sitting here, it is as if they are tempting me in some way. Daring me to discover if the reflection in the water or the actual light is the real thing. How can any of us really know which is which? As I close my eyes they merge and become one image even though I know they are different. One real and one imagined.
xxxxxI open my eyes and see myself reflected on the glass before me. Is that really me or just a reflection? Sometimes I think, we ourselves are like the lights that I see across the waters.
xxxxxFeeling distanced.
xxxxxSingular.
xxxxxRemote.
xxxxxThere, but almost not there.
xxxxxNot having an affect on anything.
xxxxxNot really touching anything.
xxxxxBut is that the light or is it a reflection of the real thing.
xxxxxI think there must be more to being the light than just being there. I believe we have a purpose being at our assigned position, no matter that we cannot see it at all times. We seem to have some kind of an on going effect on all people and things that are happening around us. Even if we try not to. The very act of just being at this particular time and place has consequences comparable to world events.
xxxxxSo for your sake and maybe even more importantly, the whole world's, think about what you do next.
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6)..
LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW
xxxxxLooking out my window at the water I can see all the tiny waves sweeping across the surface. All going the same general direction. Always moving but not really going anywhere.
xxxxxThere are boats anchored off shore. Tied down by a single line showing me only a small part of it?s self, the rest disappearing beneath the surface of the water. The boats tug at this line trying to break free, but being unable to they pivot and rotate back and forth changing direction appearing to move about, but not really going anywhere.
xxxxxLooking out my window at the sea of people their attitudes appear as tiny waves sweeping across the surface of the earth. All seem to be going the same general direction. Always moving but not going anywhere.
xxxxxThere are people anchored on shore. Tied down by a single line of appearance, they show me only a small part of their self, the rest disappearing beneath the surface of their own existence. The people tug at this line trying to break free, but being unable to they pivot and rotate back and forth changing direction appearing to move about, but not really going anywhere.
xxxxxSo as I look out my window I know I only see a small portion of what is really there. I also know that to live life to it?s fullest is in the discovery of the parts of not only ourselves but of all the others around us that we come in contact with. For in knowing others we come to know ourselves.
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7)..
WORDS
xxxxxBlack...
xxxxxWhite...
xxxxxColor...
xxxxxFabric...
xxxxxClothing...
xxxxxWashing...
xxxxxMachine...
xxxxxWorking...
xxxxxLabor...
xxxxxSweat...
xxxxxDirt...
xxxxxTired...
xxxxxWorn-out...
xxxxxRest...
xxxxxWater...
xxxxxCool...
xxxxxProne...
xxxxxLength...
xxxxxDimension...
xxxxxSpace...
xxxxxPlanet...
xxxxxSun...
xxxxxGalactic...
xxxxxCosmic...
xxxxxUniversal...
xxxxxOmnipresent...
xxxxxInterpenetrating...
xxxxxTouching...
xxxxxSensing...
xxxxxComprehending...
xxxxxUnderstanding...
xxxxxRetaining...
xxxxxRelating...
xxxxxAccepting...
xxxxxGiving...
xxxxxRealizing...
xxxxxBeing...
xxxxxHappy!
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8)..
BOTH SIDES
xxxxxLight and dark.
xxxxxSoft and hard.
xxxxxFine and course.
xxxxxShort and tall.
xxxxxGlass and brick.
xxxxxWood and stone.
xxxxxFire and ice.
xxxxxNew and old.
xxxxxSilk and flannel.
xxxxxFlowers and briars.
xxxxxCats and dogs.
xxxxxSun and moon.
xxxxxStars and planets.
xxxxxSnow and rain.
xxxxxNorth and south.
xxxxxMoving and being still.
xxxxxTruth and lies.
xxxxxBirth and death.
xxxxxBabies and adults.
xxxxxIntelligent and stupid.
xxxxxWhole and pieces.
xxxxxHappy and depressed.
xxxxxWriting and talking.
xxxxxOpening up and closing up.
xxxxxMaking sense and nonsense.
xxxxxPreserving and wasting.
xxxxxPeace and war.
xxxxxLoving and not loving.
xxxxxWomen and men.
xxxxxBeginning and ending.
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9)..
MORE OFTEN
xxxxxSee the way that it sticks.
xxxxxSeems to be a function of the way that it falls.
xxxxxSometimes straight down.
xxxxxSometimes not.
xxxxxSometimes at ninety degrees to the earth itself.
xxxxxSometimes it even goes up instead of down.
xxxxxSometimes it goes into the most graceful swirl, dancing it?s way through the air, not only for just my delight but even for delight's own sake.
xxxxxIt is such a joy to watch and feel the changes that come over the Earth as a result of it?s presence.
xxxxxI personally love and adore the exquisite way that it sculpts and reshapes the very contours of the earth itself.
xxxxxThings. All things, become quiet in it?s ever deepening blanket of solitude and it?s icy cold warmth.
xxxxxI think that it is a representation of the oneness of the universe, as it falls on everything equally.
xxxxxIt has stopped falling for the moment.
xxxxxAs I look at it, it seems to absorb me somehow.
xxxxxIt captivates and enraptures me.
xxxxxIt fills me with a joy seemingly known to only a few.
xxxxxIt?s brilliance causes my heart and soul to sing.
xxxxxI am elated as it draws me into itself and overwhelms me with it?s envelopment.
xxxxxIt is so beautiful.
xxxxxHow can the world endure such loveliness without it having some kind of enchanting and invigorating affect upon one?s innerself with effects that should last for a lifetime?
xxxxxIt should snow more often.
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10)..
JUST A STORY
xxxxxOh my...
xxxxxLook at her. She is so beautiful. She must be so happy.
xxxxxPain, sorrow, despair and fear sometime seem to be the only things that come to me since I started living on my own. The pain of friends leaving me because they will not allow themselves to accept me for who I am now. Who I have always been. And I should add that this includes my immediate family also. My mother died a year ago knowing the daughter that she always had, but never quite knew. Quite a loss for the both of us, as we were never as close as I think we both would have liked. My father is from the old school of thinking and sees me as an embarrassment to our family and friends even though I am now almost 3000 miles away. My sister...I thought we had a special relationship.
xxxxxOh God. Someone get out the Kleenex, please.
xxxxxSometimes I think that I am the only one on the planet that feels bad.
xxxxxSometimes I look at another woman and I wish that I had led her life and that I could forget that I was ever born. Then I would not have to deal with anyone that I know now. It would be so much easier don?t you think? The answer comes back a resounding, "Yes."
xxxxxA few moments later and this horrible sickening feeling sweeps over me and I think that this is the only life I am able to have.
xxxxxI want to die.
xxxxxRight now.
xxxxxOh God! Please...please...please?
xxxxxHmmm...
xxxxxOh well...nevermind.
xxxxxI turn to the next page in my new issue of Elle and see the next advertisement for make-up.
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11)..
NAILS
xxxxxI was just thinking to myself, about what a change that has come over me after the simple act of painting my nails again. It seems that here lately I haven?t been doing the little things for myself that I used to do. I can?t remember my last bubble bath so it has been far to long. And my nails have been neglected much longer. Now it seems that everything is OK again. Everything is as it should be. As it has been all along. I had just forgotten. Somehow it?s as if I?ve become more of myself. And I like how that feels. Looser. Freer.
xxxxxThe last few weeks I?ve become involved with other things that seem to have stolen all my attention and I stopped being charitable to myself. It?s a slow process that goes unnoticed while it is taking place in your life. And being unnoticed it grows by leaps and bounds.
xxxxxUnless you do something accidentally or on purpose to trigger the real inner you to come to the surface, then the chances are that you will be caught up in a whirlwind that will prevent you from seeing the real beautiful you. Prevent you from experiencing the real and very sensuous self. The moment that you do something for yourself. Your body and your Self will instantly respond to give you an immediate thank-you.
xxxxxThese are the moments that allow you to touch and nurture the woman within. These are the moments that allow you revel in the fact that you are a female. These are the moments that allow you to take the time to show love for the Self. These are the moments that allow you to become more of yourself. These are the moments that guide and create all the ones to follow.
xxxxxSo take a moment to remember that you are like a rose waiting to blossom with every act that you do for yourself.
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12)..
THE BRASS RING
xxxxxToday is a scary thoughts kind of day. I don?t know why or at least that?s what I tell myself. But who am I trying to kid. All I need do is look at what is going through my head to find what is wrong. My mind seems to be racing at the speed of light. Much more than I am able to cope with. I wonder where I am going and more importantly, where I am at this present time. I tell myself my life is barren and empty. I tell myself I have no real friends. I tell myself I have no one in whom I can confide my deepest thoughts. I tell myself I have no family that truly cares for me. I tell myself I have nowhere to go for comfort or for enjoyment. I tell myself that I don?t deserve any of these things. I tell myself that I have failed everyone around me and have failed myself even more. I tell myself that I have ruined my life. I tell myself that I am a burden to everyone that I know. I tell myself that everyone is laughing at me. I tell myself that I have forfeited everything that I have ever had. I tell myself I am in over my head. I tell myself I can no longer cope with things as they are. I tell myself I am not worth the space that I occupy. I tell myself I am ugly. I tell myself that I am a bad person. I tell myself that I must be stupid to do what I am doing and for what I have done to myself. Sometimes I even tell myself that I want to die.
xxxxxDoes anyone else see themselves here? If you do, then sit up and ask the person closest to you to sock you one in the head. Real hard! Or do it yourself. I just did.
xxxxxThe only thing I am guilty of here is having too much time on my hands and letting myself wallow in self-pity. This is the time to look around and see with open eyes.
xxxxxI am not a bad person. In fact, I know I am a good person who strives for truth and understanding, not only of myself but of all those around me. I am not ugly. I am beautiful on the inside and that beauty comes out every time I hold my head high and smile at someone or at the world. I am not stupid. I have saved myself from a prolonged period of pain and agonizing hardship, bringing myself back from the brink of death, to life. I realized my life is worth living. Not for or through others, but for myself. Every time someone utters, ?Thank you Ma?am? or says ?Hello?, I know I have done the only intelligent thing I could with my life. I am not in over my head, I am just in new territory again. Every experience makes me more comfortable and gives me renewed confidence. Looking back makes me see that I have coped with things as they are and have done a remarkable job of it. My strength and will of purpose seems to have no bounds. I am not a joke and the only one laughing is me, at the situations I have gotten into and out of and at some peoples silliness. My job is the same and most people still know the real me and are perfectly happy with that. I haven?t ruined my life. On the contrary, I have enhanced my life experience and expanded on every front. As for dying. That will come in it?s own time. For now, I am my own family. My life is not barren and empty. It is rich with the life that comes from just being here everyday. The world, you and I are one and I deserve these things because I am a part of it all and I have come to understand and relish the love I now have for myself and for others. I do have friends. Good friends. And they provide that haven of comfort that I need now and then. Failure? All I have to do is remember the world is a merry-go-round and having been able to grab the brass ring during the ride, I only need remember that I hold it in my hand at all times.
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13)..
I BETTER BE MORE CAREFUL
xxxxxI feel a little scared today.
xxxxxHave you ever felt that way? You know...like when I am in the kitchen cutting up vegetables or trimming some meat with a very sharp knife and I just know that I shouldn?t use the blade to cut in that direction or in that manner, but I go ahead and do it anyway. I tell myself that I am in control and that nothing will happen if I continue to proceed. Ignoring that intuitive thought, I continue. Naturally the knife slips. It happens so quickly that you can?t stop it. All you can do is watch, as the situation seems to have a life and direction all of it?s own. During that instant the fear starts to set in. For a moment, time seems to stop and the feeling that I am totally alone covers me like a heavy wool blanket in the dead of winter. I feel as if I am fading away. I feel like I am getting smaller. I can no longer feel my heart beating in my chest. I can?t even tell if I am breathing anymore. Far away in the distance I can feel a pounding in the earth. It seems to be very faint but gets louder and louder as it draws closer and still closer. It sounds like the footsteps of some being so gigantic that it is hard to even imagine it. My whole body quakes with each pounding. The sound, as loud as a train rushing by, echoes in the depths of my head and rings in my ears with such a power and force that I think I can no longer stand on my own anymore. If this doesn?t stop I think I shall die right here, right now. Suddenly, I realize that it is my heartbeat that I hear and feel. I have this feeling of heat sweeping over me from front to back as if I have stepped from the cold morning shadows on a clear spring day to the heat of a brilliantly burning sun. I can feel the heat gathering in and around my head. I soon feel my forehead becoming damp. Out of nowhere I feel a cool breeze blowing over me, comforting me, relaxing me. I can breathe again and feel my feet firmly planted on the floor. I look around and I am in the kitchen again. I look at my hand and see that the knife didn?t cut me after all. I better me more careful.
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14)..
JUST LOOK IN MY EYES
xxxxxI see a person in the distance that I can?t really make out to well. This person is saying something to each person that comes within speaking distance. I wonder what this person is saying because some of the passerbys are stepping away. Some of them even look angry. A few seem to be saying something in return. What could they be saying, I wonder again? Another passerby looks shocked at what is being said to her and hurriedly makes her way down the street. Another is approached but seems oblivious to what is going on because I see no reaction at all. Maybe he is deaf I wonder. Another goes to the far edge of the sidewalk to create as large a distance between himself and this person speaking to everyone. I wonder again what could cause such strong reactions from so many. Maybe this person is threatening them in some manner. Another is spoken to and they stop and just stare at this person and then move on looking back as they get farther and farther away.
xxxxxMy friend and I continue our own walking and it becomes clear that it will soon be our turn to be spoken to. Finally this person speaks to my companion and I. My friend?s reply makes no immediate sense to me, as all I can hear is the anger in her voice. This person looks toward me and my heart sinks and feels as if it is going to break. This stranger?s eyes are so piercing, so penetrating. I am overwhelmed by what those eyes say to me and what they make me feel. I can see this person clearer now and it is as if I am looking in a window and can see inside, resulting in this persons feelings becoming my own. I feel the humiliation of everyone?s scorn and disdain. I feel the pain and terror of their anger. The dispair inside wants to make me weep a river of tears. I feel the heart wrenching fear of rejection. I feel the want of being treated as a human being again. I feel the agony of being below everyone?s contempt for my very presence. I feel my friend grabbing my arm wanting us to leave and get away as far as possible. Then this person speaks directly to me.
xxxxx?Excuse me, but could you spare me a dime or maybe a quarter. I am trying to get something to eat.?
xxxxxMy first impulse is to reach in my purse and grab some change to offer. I look at this person with many questions running through me. Not just about this person, but about how we have all become. I don?t really focus on any one of them. I reach into my wallet and grab the few dollars that I received as change in the restaurant or that I had gotten while we were shopping and offer it. In return I am offered a warm thank you and a smile. As we make our way down the sidewalk my friend says that that person probably wants the money for drugs or alcohol and that I was foolish to have given away any money. Maybe that is the case. I only know that when that stranger looked in my eyes and said thank you, I saw the kind of trust, love and thankfulness that I have only seen when a stranger has stopped to help an injured or lost child. If I ever become injured or lost or hungry, I hope you can look past my person and just look in my eyes.
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15)..
OUT OF THE NIGHT
xxxxxIt comes out of the night. I can barely even perceive it at first. It is as if it has been hiding and waiting just for the right time to show itself. At first it moves ever so slowly, like a cat in the shadows waiting to pounce on it?s unsuspecting prey. As the minutes tick on it?s presence is felt by all the creatures that are here with me. Some, believing they had found security, now become alarmed by the very act of it starting to show itself. Now I myself am also sure that it is coming my way. The thought of seeing it quickens my heartbeat. I have been here for a long time. Waiting and waiting. I knew the wait would be long, but to finally be able to see it in full view will have made the ordeal well worth it. Knowing that it is on the move I must make my way to the top of the ridge for a better vantagepoint or risk not seeing it at all. As I make my way toward the top, I become aware of some of the other creatures around me moving in the opposite direction, trying to avoid an encounter with something so large and powerful. Other creatures have become aware of it moving through the area and are getting restless. Some are even calling out, trying to signal others of their own kind that it will soon be here. No longer content with concealing itself, it will come out into the open as bold as any predator. As I come to the top of the ridge I know I have made it just in time and wait in excited anticipation. Then I see it. My God! I have seen it in pictures but this is better than I could have ever hoped for. It is so huge I feel like an ant before it. It?s speed and purpose of movement is simply amazing. It?s color is more beautiful than any I have ever seen before. Dawn, the rising sun and the light of a new day.
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16)..
WHAT IS LIFE?
xxxxxThe days have become gray again. One after another. Seeming never to stop. I hear people say it is a gloomy time. Or that these are the days that bring the blues out in one. Implying that gray makes this time an in-between one. Not bright and not dark. Not really day and not really night. I suppose like some sort of dream.
xxxxxI never feel nor am I able to see the world in that manner. To me it seems indicative of one?s attitude about what is occurring in the world around you. For me gray days are just sunny days of a different color.
xxxxxMe, I like life. Life is not going to work or making money. It certainly isn?t spending it. Though others would argue the point with me. Life isn?t the premier of a new movie or play. The television is not life either. Although it can display it for us. So what is life?
xxxxxTo me this is a curious question that is asked as if there is no real answer. That sounds to me like delusions of a fettered and over crowded world. I think to ask the question is the same as asking why you or I breath.
xxxxxAnswer: because I can. I think that is life. Life is, because it can. It is the tiny, tiny little drops of rain I can barely see falling from a gray sky. Accumulating on the out stretched arms of magnificent and wondrous trees that are all around us. The tiny droplets becoming glistening little pearls on the bottoms of the branches. Every now and then forming into small trains to run the tracks of the bark and upon reaching the end of their line to finally be set free to blow in the gentle breeze and then becoming something different and yet staying the same.
xxxxxYou and I are life. You and I are the tiny little droplets in a becoming sort of state. Transition is life. I believe Ah-ah-ha?-yo, God in my native Caddo tongue, provided this place for us to not only experience life but to be a part of the circle of life. Being part of life can be viewed as a blessing if you want it to. We are indeed a special kind of spirit being.
xxxxxDon?t shy away from what life has to offer. If someone asks you to go somewhere you have never been or someone asks you to do something you have never done, GO FOR IT. Every experience will make you stronger for the next bump in the road and your regrets later in life will be far fewer than those of us that will shy away from things.
xxxxxIn the process of getting to where I am today, I have lost everything. A small price, I think, to pay for a life gained. I have no real regrets as to how things have turned out, a few if onlys and some I wishes, sure. But for the most part life is grand. We all hold it in our hands and can share it with those around us. This is what really goes on with each of us. No one ever says it. But it is the sharing of and for each other. That is what relationships are. That is what love is. That is what we are. LIFE.
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17)..
I ASK MYSELF
xxxxxWhy do things have to be the way that they are? I ask myself this question often. Usually I have the answer to the questions that I toss around when I am alone, at least I think I do, but this one always leaves me feeling sort of blank. Like it wasn?t a real question to start with. I guess that it is just one of those dumb questions that have plagued me all my life. Why do they have to be that way? When I ask myself this question a funny thing happens to me. I can?t think anymore. The wheels all stop turning. My life comes to a screeching halt. I don?t even know if I continue to breath or if that stops also. My hearing seems not to work anymore either. The sounds of life around me seem to just get turned off and disappear. But one sound always remains. It is kind of like a ringing but not really a ringing. It has a kind of softness that sweeps over me feeling like a thick but light blanket of insulation that makes everything stop. Nothing can reach me anymore. I can?t feel my body and I can?t move, can?t even move a muscle. My eyes won?t blink and I can?t turn my gaze to anywhere else. My sense of touch is gone and I no longer can feel the warmth of the air on my skin. My emotions are gone and I no longer feel anything inside of myself. My problems have all left me. My pain is consumed by the nothingness I have become. The world has dissolved before me and I have become nothing but my Self. I am free again at last. Time has become what it really is, just a thing conjured up by those that would be our masters. But they can never come here. Only we may. I believe we are a special lot. Granted entrance to this place because our life has been hard and because we have earned it. The ability to come here means we have paid our dues. Life can be tough and it can be lonely, so when it is, take a moment to come here and become your Self again. It will never be lonely here for you, I?ll be here and if not, one of the others will.
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18)..
A LONG, LONG TIME AGO
xxxxxA long, long time ago...no...
xxxxxOnce upon a time, she...no...
xxxxxThe night was dark and cold...nope.
xxxxxThe wind was like a soft puff of the purest cotton lightly brushing against the silkiness of skin pampered by rich oriental perfumes and spices. As if predetermined I stopped all movement and enjoyed the sensation that I felt on my cheeks and arms. The scent in the air permeated the senses to such an extent as to make one light headed and giddy with laughter. I breathed slowly and deeply as if trying to fill not only my lungs, but also all of the inside of my body, like it was some great reservoir destined to provide the world with nourishment till the end of time. The scent quickly filled the room making it impossible to escape from. Growing in intensity it became like a slow moving vortex that held me suspended in time and space. I felt no longer of this world. I was losing sight of the walls and myself. The floor disappeared from beneath my feet and I no longer touched the earth. As the room melted away I could feel my heart racing in my chest and strangely, I could hear it. Soft, like the breeze that I felt just a moment ago. Or was it long ago. I can no longer tell the difference. The sound is like a soft drum beat. A slow pulsing, up and down or in and out. No, more like a hum. A soothing sound arising from nowhere and yet everywhere. I am moved by it and rise up and up and up and gently hang there and slide back down like a slowly falling snowflake supported by the breath of butterflies. Every time the sound comes I am lifted higher than the last time. Above the trees, above the mountains and valleys, higher than the clouds, higher than the heavens themselves and I hang there the same way that smoke hangs in the air when there is no breeze to move it in the sky. I cannot see my hands in front of me, but I can see the end of the universe, seemingly just inches from my face. The allness of IT is too much to even think about. Below me I see a tiny light that appears to be growing, moving toward me, slowly getting bigger and bigger. As it gets larger, it?s brilliance grows in leaps and bounds. Brighter, brighter and even brighter than the sun, brighter than ten suns, a hundred suns, brighter than even a thousand or a million suns. I feel that surely it will burn me to nothingness. I try and move away but it moves with me. No matter what I do it stays right with me. And then I realize it is upon me and I expect the worst. I am enveloped by it now and there is no pain, there is only a feeling of relief. There is an indescribable joy and happiness that overcomes me. This sound, this light, this joy, a feeling of love, a higher kind of love that defies description, I embrace it and let IT have all of me. Then the unthinkable happens. Like a bolt of lightning, from the largest of summer storms, IT hits me. The sound is coming from me and I am the light.
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19)..
I DREAM
xxxxxI dream.
xxxxxI dream of dreams.
xxxxxI dream of trees. Tall magnificent trees.
xxxxxI dream of the stars. Pulsars and brown dwarfs.
xxxxxI dream of softly rolling green hills.
xxxxxI dream of planes high in the sky.
xxxxxI dream of fossils still hidden within the Earth.
xxxxxI dream of seafoam lying in a line along the beach.
xxxxxI dream of Grandma and Grandpa swinging on the back porch.
xxxxxI dream of the rain slowly coming over the mountains in the springtime.
xxxxxI dream of the wind softly blowing on a hot day.
xxxxxI dream of my childhood friends that I have left behind.
xxxxxI dream of my first cross-country bus trip while men landed on the moon.
xxxxxI dream of the blue bonnets covering the fields in Texas as far as the eye can see.
xxxxxI dream of the people that I have passed by.
xxxxxI dream of myself flying as a bird does.
xxxxxI dream of the world spinning on and on and on.
xxxxxI dream of the crickets chirping in the early evening.
xxxxxI dream of the children laughing in the park as they play.
xxxxxI dream of the past, the present and the future.
xxxxxI dream while sleeping and while awake.
xxxxxI dream I am the dream.
xxxxxI dream of the dream.
xxxxxI dream.
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20)..
PICK ONE
xxxxxIt is one of those cool summer days in New England. You know when the air is crisp and clear early in the morning. Like when I was a child growing up in the mountains.
xxxxxSometimes my Grandfather would take us all to the orchards in Valley View, a valley a couple of mountain ridges away from our own, which was near 5000 foot Blue Mountain. We would leave Tremont, which is French for three mountains. A small town, it is nestled in the cradle of three intersecting mountains and is the kind of place that people dream of and poets write about.
xxxxxWe would ride in the old Desoto to the top of the mountains climbing higher and higher feeling almost as if we were on the first hill of a roller coaster ride. Once at the top, you are always struck by the impact of realizing just how high up you are. We were above the clouds and the farms below looked tiny like a Life magazine picture that had been taken from an airplane. You can see other countless mountain ridges as far as your eye can see, well beyond the end of the valley beneath us. Neither my Grandfather nor I ever tired of such a lovely sight and sometimes we would stop at the lookout just past the crest of the mountain overlooking Valley View. Such a spectacular sight. I used to think to myself that only someone quite wonderful could have made such a beautiful valley. We would get out of the car and stand and look and breath it all in. We would never talk at these times. We didn?t have to. What could either of us have said to compare with this awe-inspiring picture before us?
xxxxxI was just a child but I knew that this was a special place and a special time in my life and my Grandpa?s life. We had a special unspoken bond between us that formed as a result of the beauty of nature around us. We both had a special relationship with the Earth and especially the mountains, we knew this beauty was a part of the Great Spirit.
xxxxxAfter gazing out for an eternity he would nod and we would make the trip down to the valley floor. Going down was always quicker than the one up, your ears popping every once in a while. If you were alert you could always see deer running or feeding near by the steep and winding road. When almost to the bottom it was always overwhelming to me just how huge this rich and fertile valley really is. When you came off the mountain to the valley floor you could smell the corn and alfalfa in the fields and almost taste the fresh cut hay or recently harvested potatoes. The vibrant colors were alive in the fields waving at me with each passing breeze. The greens and yellows rich like some kind of God?s natural velvet blanketing the valley just for my enjoyment.
xxxxxIt was such a wonderful time during each trip over to Blyler?s Orchards. I will never forget the smells that permeated the building where they stored and sold the freshly picked fruits. The aroma of the apples would make your mouth water and the pears would make your nose come to life. The plums would make you swoon. But the peaches...oh the peaches. So wonderful their perfume would overwhelm you and fill all your senses. Picking one from the bushel basket, it?s skin so cool and dewy with velvet so soft it felt as though it could breath. It?s color so rich in hues of yellow, orange and red like a beautiful sunset contained in the palm of your hand. Take a bite and your mouth would have an explosion of taste of such splendor and ecstasy as to be almost indescribable. Succulent juices so sweet your eyes would close and you would have no doubt that you just had a taste of manna from heaven itself. Mmmmmmm.
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21)..
REMEMBER
xxxxxI sit.
xxxxxI wait.
xxxxxI sit and I wait.
xxxxxI am here.
xxxxxI sit here and wait.
xxxxxI feel.
xxxxxI feel so many things.
xxxxxI sit here and wait and feel so many things.
xxxxxI want.
xxxxxI want clarity.
xxxxxI want to feel clarity.
xxxxxI want to feel with clarity the things that I have forgotten.
xxxxxI want to feel the clarity of an unfettered Spirit again.
xxxxxI want to flow outward, to spread over the land before me.
xxxxxI want to go beyond the horizon, beyond the mountains. To make contact again with those that I have left behind to make sure that they are still OK. To once again feel the bonds of friendship and love that somehow have drifted away, as on some subtle breeze that has swept me to another time and place. But how can I recapture a thing that isn?t a thing? Something that I thought I had lost and yet find that I still carry with me.
xxxxxWell... Myself, I have my memories.
xxxxxWhen I remember, it is then that I feel I am an atlas containing all the Two-leggeds and Four-leggeds that I have known for all times and in all places. I can see their faces and feel their presence. I carry with me their tears in one pocket and their laughter and joy in my other. I can hear their voices and even talk with them once in awhile. Some of the times we just visit each other. Other times I relive their lives with them. Ho-kee-hun-noh?-sah. Life, literally, ?still breathing?, in my native Caddo language. Ohhhh...the times we had.
xxxxxSome I only knew for fleeting moments but they have stayed with me just the same. And there are the few whom I never had the pleasure to meet, but who at a distance had a lasting impact on me. Some showed me how to navigate the world at large and others that showed me how to navigate by Spirit. Some I love so much that I cry when I think of them. And yes, there are some that make me cry because I have hurt them through ignorance and misunderstanding.
xxxxxOne thing stands out among all of these beings. They all gave me a smile at sometime to take along with me wherever I go. I sometimes feel that I am the sum total of all those who have been before me. So when you feel wanting and don?t know what to do.... just remember.
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22)..
THE SPINNING OF THE HANDS
xxxxxAnother day has slipped away. They come and go so easily. Everyone tries to keep track of them. Counting them, waiting on them. When I look at the big picture, I wonder why. There was a time when people didn't. My people have been here for thousands of years and they never counted the days the way that it is done today. It must have been a wonderful way to live. This can still be experienced today if you were to just leave the city and go out in a forest or on a mountain or hill or on some plain or even to a river, lake or ocean. Time is not an integral part of this life or of nature. I believe that we live within Eternity as long as we live within the Now. Look about yourself and recognize that it is never any time but now. It is never a few minutes ago and it is never five minutes from Now. It is a shame that people in this age have let themselves get snarled up in such a strange concept. Now it has gotten to the point that people are scared to get behind one, two or three seconds much less minutes or hours. Some would argue that it isn't that bad. Hmmmmm... The person in that car which pulls out in front of me, with no regard for my safety or for my life and I am certain not for the small child in their own vehicle, just to be able to get in front of me and save a couple of seconds so that we may both sit at the next red light. Well, I think that about says it all. It is one thing to watch the clock and a whole other thing to base everything in your life on the tick-tock of the clock.
xxxxxTick-tock, tick-tock. There is another beat besides the clock. The beat of one's heart. But not many hear that one. And that is a real shame as that is the one that counts.
xxxxxMoving at the speed of the clock we miss almost everything that the world and others have to offer us. The way that a child smiles when they share their candy with another. The beauty and wonder of a solitary rose in full bloom. The deep green cool softness of moss growing in a patch just waiting for you to discover it. The twinkle in the eye of an older person signifying the wisdom and experience of a lifetime. The caring look of a spouse when they think you are not looking. The wind in the trees, the warmth of the sun on your skin or even the color and scent of the Earth.
xxxxxOur experiences in life are similar to the little puffs of pristine white clouds moving about in the sky. As we observe them they change after a little while and if we look away to long they disappear altogether, dissolving into a nothingness and gone forever. But like the clouds, a new experience is always being formed out of the nowness of the present moment. There is something new to be learned or observed each and every day. So if you find that you are caught up in the spinning of the hands of time, take a break or a deep breath and look around yourself. You may be surprised at what is there.
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23)..
HEART
xxxxxWhat is in the heart
xxxxxSo full of many a thing
xxxxxThe battle of life?s ebb and flow
xxxxxThe considerations without consent
xxxxxForced to the observance of treachery
xxxxxDeceit formulated by single-minded ignorance
xxxxxTorn and shuddering the mind grows numb
xxxxxLost is the capacity to think in objective
xxxxxWhere are all with heart and knowing
xxxxxWhen shall I hear the sound of awakening
xxxxxSound to stir the heart and spirit
xxxxxTo be lifted from the abyss
xxxxxPlaced on the plateau of light
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24)..
I CANNOT
xxxxxThis I cannot tell you
xxxxxFrom where the light comes
xxxxxA light with no origin
xxxxxA light that is to brilliant to be seen
xxxxxTo intense to be felt
xxxxxA light that cannot be seen for the darkness
xxxxxThis I cannot tell you
xxxxxFrom where the sound comes
xxxxxA sound with no origin
xxxxxA sound that is to loud to be heard
xxxxxTo intense to be felt
xxxxxA sound that cannot be heard for the silence
xxxxxThis I cannot tell you
xxxxxFrom where the love comes
xxxxxA love with no origin
xxxxxA love that is to whole to be held
xxxxxTo intense to be felt
xxxxxA love that cannot be had but for the one
xxxxxWho can see the light and hear the sound
xxxxxThis I cannot tell you
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25)..
A Familiar Place
xxxxxA thought comes
xxxxxFormed from the depths of I know not where
xxxxxBut, still a familiar place
xxxxxA feeling comes
xxxxxFelt from the depths of I know not where
xxxxxBut, still a familiar place
xxxxxA movement comes
xxxxxMoving from the depths of I know not where
xxxxxBut, still a familiar place
xxxxxA realization comes
xxxxxRealized from the depths of I know not where
xxxxxBut, still a familiar place
xxxxxA form comes
xxxxxFormed from the depths of I know not where
xxxxxBut, still a familiar place
xxxxxI thought and had a feeling and was moved to the realization that formed in the depths of a still familiar place of I know not where
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26)..
FEELING THE SOUND
xxxxxI feel the sound.
xxxxxIt soothes my heart and my mind.
xxxxxThe feeling of the sound.
xxxxxTugging at the fabric of my soul. It makes me want to cry. Touching me so deeply that I wonder what it is that is within myself that could make me feel so intensly. How can a sound make me want to weep.
xxxxxIt goes higher and higher taking me with it. I cannot help myself. The notes go ever higher, lasting like the wind on a high wind carved plateau. Growing longer just as looking at the stars and trying to bring them into a sharper focus holds one's gaze longer and longer but never quite gets to that fartherest point.
xxxxxThe tones undulate and I ride the very fabric of space and time. Riding to heights beyond the
orbits of planets and galaxies. Reaching depths that trivialize the deepest oceans. Points which I can just barely comprehend now. Places where vision has no limits, no bounderies, no barriers. Where time slows to the pace of the entire universe and then in it's finale, finally disappears.
xxxxxThe feeling...of the sound.
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27)..
NOW
Today...
This day.
At this point.
Here in this time.
Holding onto the present.
Contained within the moment.
Brought only to this second.
Staying the whirling vortex of then and the to come.
Keeping yesterday and tomorrow at bay.
Treading between the vanished and the unmanifest.
Breechng the once was and the what will be.
Rejecting the only if's and the could be's.
Releasing what was and will pass.
Facing love lost and love hoped for.
Living with death and death dying to live.
The time between time and no time.
The place not before or after.
The area neither here nor there.
The reconning between left and right.
The difference between night and light.
The only thing that is left or could be.
Now...
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28)..
QUESTIONS
xxxxxI want to tell you something. But how do I tell you? How do I relate to you the things that
are going on inside of me. How do I choose the right words without saying to much or worse, not saying enough.
xxxxxMy thoughts seem to race along at the speed of light. It is all I can do to keep up with my
Self.
xxxxxIf I were to ask you what is the question that you have been carrying around inside your
Self, what would you answer?
xxxxxI too have had questions. I have read many stories of how those that asked questions
searched for and found masters, mystics or gurus looking for some quick or instant enlightenment of some manner or other. My Self didn't have such an experience for many, many years. But in most instances the seeker was told in the beginning that the first thing required of them to advance on their chosen path was to stop asking questions. Of course the first thought to follow a statement like that is, "Why?".
xxxxxThe answer is best expressed in the last two sentences above. You chose a path and decide that what you know and have held onto is what got you where you are and will get you to the next level. You arrived here by asking the question and then finding the answer. This technique worked and served you well in the past. But now you are coming to the level of things where the mysteries of life Itself are being delved into. An area that is beyond everyday thought. Beyond the concepts of everyday living. Here the questions of yesterday will not serve you except to confuse you further.
xxxxxIn life you are in motion. As such everything is always coming to you. The flow of things. The flow of Life. Especially Truth. At this point in the search you have been absorbing up to now. Absorbing the All of It without even knowing it. Now it is time to gain the realization that comes from that. To ask the question now is to restrict or even to have to stop the flow of It coming into yourself. You don't confront truth, it confronts you. But only in a clear and settled atmosphere. Asking questions is to stir things up.
xxxxxLearning, progress, realization are all learned in a progression, building onto the last thing realized. So stop asking questions and just realize what is already within your Self. Begin on the premise that you know nothing. The rest will follow on it's own.
xxxxxDo not confuse knowledge with realization. You can learn everything in all the books in the world and never realize that you are an idiot. You can never have set foot in a school or opened a book and still have realized the meaning of life Itself. I have been told that those who look for God will never find IT. And those who stopped seeking found IT at their feet.
xxxxxAt the beginning of this story I wanted to tell you something. I didn't want to say to much
or to little.
xxxxxIt now appears that I no longer ask questions but seem to find the answers to everything my heart desires.
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29)..
VOICES
xxxxxSometimes I can hear my ancestors voices. Faintly calling to me in long ago used words. Whispering to me of seasons and times that are all but foreign when compared to today. Beckoning me to travel back with them to the sacred campfires of timeless tribal dance grounds.
xxxxxI can hear their singing carried on the wind like smoke from distant fire. Barely
discernable but undeniable. Their singing comes to me in waves, each wave one of my previous generations far removed from my own.
xxxxxI can hear the sound of buffalo horn rattles peppering the air with sounds that bring to me images of long gone herds of bison roaming the grassy plains.
xxxxxI can hear the jingle of bells made of tin and bone that have been meticulously arranged in decending circles and sewn to the skirts of beautifully made tradional buckskin dresses worn by women dancing the sacred circle.
xxxxxI can hear the piercing cry of a bone whistle in the swirling beauty of traditional and fancy dancers whirling around the circle in dances symbolinzing mock battles and hunts or the behavior of sacred animals.
xxxxxI can hear the rythmic sound of ankle bells on Northern and Southern style dancers. Their hypnotic ringing sound is hard to separate from the heartbeat of social events past and present.
xxxxxThe sound of the drum is the clearest sound of all that I hear. It's beat is hard to distiguish from my own. One of the most heartfelt memories I have is of whenever I have made my approach to a pow wow. Long before I can see the dance grounds or any tee pees come into my view I am greeted by the soul piercing sound of sacred drums that have been placed around the perimeter of the dance circle. Whenever I hear the sound of these drums it is as if I have been welcomed home after a long, long absence and my heart wants to weep from happiness.
xxxxxThe strike of the drums and all the dancers and families that participate can be overwhelming. The heart of it all, the drum, drives on the sequence of events to occur. When the drum stops it is time for the spectators to leave for the night. Not long afterwards the drums and the dance begin again and may last most of the night.
xxxxxThis time is special. Sometimes I can hear my ancestors voices.
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30)..
A TIME
There was a time of sandy beaches.
The firmness of the earth giving way to my presence.
There was a time of emerald green forests.
The stability of the earth providing a path for my way.
There was a time of fields of grasses waving in the wind.
The richness of the earth producing a soothing rocking of Soul.
There was a time of granite faced cliffs.
The majesty of the earth baring it's inner being to all.
There was a time of deep blue waters.
The nourousing earth giving forth it's precious life sustaining liquid.
There was a time of mountains of such grandure.
The rising earth asking us to come and see.
This is the time of the living earth.
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31)..
NEXT TIME
xxxxxThe honking of car horns and the roar of engines doing battle with the constant drone of tires
reverberating off wall after wall of strip centers and shopping malls.
xxxxxSirens...police sirens, flashing red and white lights of ambulances caught up in traffic jams, processions of fire trucks and their fog horn like screaming thru the night.
xxxxxThe constant rumbling of jets taking off doing combat with the drowning sound of thrust-reversers of other planes performing their landing sequences.
xxxxxThe never ending chatter of crowded restaurants and the repeated cursing of people on the streets.
xxxxxThe maddening world of modern peoples can be ovewhelming at times. At the worst of times.
xxxxxCome with me now to a place far away, a place far removed from the whirlpool of insanity and the stench of industry. A place hidden from the masses but accessable by all.
xxxxxRising your Self high above your present position, come with me beyond the clouds, beyond the horizons and settle down here softly, south of the high desert country. Here there are rolling mountains covered in dense forests of old growth timber. Here are rivers as big as the mighty Mississippi winding their way to the ocean that is just a short journey away. Here in this immense valley we find trees growing as thick as the grasses on the plains to the north. Here in this forest we can stop and look around about ourselves.
xxxxxStanding here I now cease all movement. Suddenly I am aware of my breathing. I can actually hear my breathing. My ears unacustomed to such silence strain to hear...anything. The silence is deafening and for a moment I feel I am alone in the universes. At the same moment I hear a sound. Somewhat like a distant river flowing across the land outstreched before it. Where is it coming from I think to myself. I slowly turn around to try to catch where it might be coming from. Strange...it is everywhere. Finally I look up. The tree tops are doing a dance. The sound is the wind blowing and caressing the tree tops into a glorious dance of life manifesting into a global conscience connected to every tree in this valley, in all the valleys, everywhere. For a moment I am the wind and can feel the tender touch of pine needles lightly brushing against my outstreched arms. I touch tree after tree and pick up speed. Racing across the valley the tallest of trees bend and sway at my gentle touch. The tree tops swaying like grasses in the wind.
xxxxxI am struck by the thought that when I turned around while listening, my feet made no noise. It seems I am standing on a plush carpet. A living carpet. A breathing carpet. Taking a step it seems to push back up at my feet. All the forest floor is this soft carpet. Undistrurbed. No foot prints. No trash. No tire tracks. Full of thick green, green moss. Just like the tree trunks and all their limbs. Covered from top to bottom in a living green sweater. Thick long emeraldlike moss. I swear that it almost glows in the sunlight.
xxxxxThe sun streams in thru the canopy in huge golden tubes that not only warm the ground and plants but also the soul. It seems that here you can actually witness the earth and all its beings partaking of the light of Spirit itself. There is a feeling of Life here unlike anywhere else. Here you can melt into the Earth. Standing here side by side among 150 foot pines and the occasional 200 foot Redwood, it is hard to imagine that this is the same Earth as experienced earlier. Instead of sirens and horns, here it is the mystical baying of Elk in the distance. The chatter of squirrels competing with the cosmic spin of the solar system to gather enough food before the onset of winter. The screech of eagles and falcons hunting for prey in order to feed their young and themselves.
xxxxxWhat a magnificent and thoroughly wonderous place. The beauty here would be a hard act to follow. How men could even consider clear cutting the grass that God's feet have brushed against is far beyond my power of reasoning. I could stay here forever.
xxxxxIt will be hard to leave. But it needn't be... You can always come back. There is more to see here. You see that tube of golden light over there. Follow it... It will take you beyond the forest, beyond the valley. Beyond the valley is a mountain. A mountain which will take your breath away. A mountain that is almost more than your eyes can bear to look at. The kind of mountain you only see in your dreams and on postcards.
xxxxxNext time... maybe next time, I will take you there. They call it Mt. Hood.
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32)..
BREAK ME FREE
Pushed by the wind of change
Break me free
Caught in the meshes of what could be
Break me free
Situations of uncountable possibilities
Break me free
Armed with the tools of wisdom and knowledge
Break me free
Given the path that leads to right or wrong
Break me free
The Way that awakens my heart in the mist of all life
Break me free
To be that I AM
Break me free
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33)..
LEAP OF FAITH
xxxxxI feel the wind on my face as I look out over the Earth before me. I can I feel it's power in my limbs. As I hold them out it flows around me charging me with an overwhelming sense that I can take hold of the moment and control it. Here in my home high above the valley I am aware of the dangers that could befall me if I am not successful. But I cannot shake this feeling that I am about to find my true calling in this life. I have spent my whole life here and lately I have felt that if I don't soon leave, I never will. So I have been waiting for the right time. Always wishing for more. Always knowing that there is a world out there waiting on me to discover it. It calls to me day and night. It is safe here and all the things that I need to survive are right here, but I must taste that thing called freedom. Like those wonderful beings that raised me and like my siblings who are just slightly older than I, I too will leave this place to find my place in Ah-ah-ha-yoh's
(God in my native Caddo language) universe of universes. I cannot fight this feeling and survive any longer. The time grows near when I will just have to take that leap of faith and put my Self and my life in the hands of the Great Spirit.
xxxxxAs I now stand here on the dividing line between what I have known and the great unknown I feel the wind on my face as I look out over the Earth before me. I can feel it's power in my limbs. Maybe if I flap them as the great Thunderbirds do, I too can fly. I have to try. I hold them straight out from my sides. I feel the strength of the wind increase. I crouch down in preparation to leap from the safety of the edge of my home. My life flashes before me and fades with the desire to be free. To be completely detached from the world below. With all the strength I can muster in my legs I leap from my home to the valley below. Like a lead weight made of flesh and bone I immediately begin to fall towards the rocky valley floor. I picture my body as it lays
broken among the rocks and boulders fast approaching me from below. And then a Thunderbird appears between mySelf and the ground. She shows me how to hold my limbs ridge and straight
and instead of falling down I begin to rise. The feeling is almost indescribable. Such joy, such a wonderful, wonderful feeling. Seeing in my vision not the ground but the trees above the ground and then the sides of the mountains and the river that snakes along the valley's length. I am light as the air itself and with just a thought of turning or going up or going down it happens almost instantly. This is the most rewarding experience of my entire life. I am soaring.....flying.....being mySelf. I could do this forever and ever.
xxxxxThen in the distance I see my parents. They look so happy when they see me. They look like I
feel. And then it hit's me...I am an eagle.
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34)..
Ta-sha' - Caddo for Wolf or Friend
xxxxxI sit here...alone. Thinking. I get up and move to another chair. I start to wonder about everything that is happening. Still I am alone. I move myself to another spot. I question things. And I am alone still. This is how it is. When you are alone.
xxxxxI sit here...alone. Cringing. I try to get up and move. And I cannot. I can feel the tenseness gripping my body. This is how it is, when you are fearful.
xxxxxWhen I began. When I started this, more than eight weeks ago, I pictured my life or rather I thought that my life had become barren and empty. Little did I know just what barren and empty would come to mean to me. I almost feel now that I was acting as though I were a whining little girl who couldn?t see the forest for the trees. Over time I had become complacent about... well almost everything.
xxxxxAnd then...it started. It was as if someone had reached out and threw that big, huge, Oh My God powered switch of devastation. My life seemed to be falling apart right before my eyes and it seemed I could do nothing to stop it. I thought that things couldn?t get any worse and yet they did. Nothing was working and everything that was seemed to be breaking. I became caught up in this overpowering and accelerating spiral that wouldn?t let up and kept me blinded as to what direction I should try to take and what I would do once I got there. I became a mess. I was my own worst enemy. I was losing control. There is a law in physics, everyone has heard of it. It became my new motto in life. Or rather I should say it became the new mold that everything fit into for me. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Every time I tried to do or take a step in the right direction to try and help myself, something would come along and knock me back an equal and opposite number of steps or weeks or days or minutes or whatever. I felt as though I had been beaten. Beaten in life, beaten emotionally, physically and mentally.
xxxxxThis is not the first time that I have felt this way. Without being aware of it, I have for a very long time had the support and love to get me through my hardest times. But being complacent, I had even taken this for granted. But sometimes reality has a way of coming around just in time to allow you not to make a mistake that you will always regret. And so it was when my turmoil was at it?s greatest, that I awoke to what had become clouded and hazy to find again that light that had been the source of my strength for so long. In the process of doing this at the end of July, I realized I was soon going to lose the one thing that had meant the most to me.
xxxxxI don't believe that things happen or come to us by accident. What we need the most for our spiritual growth is always given to us or we are led to it. So it was in this manner that 14 years ago I was led to Pharoah and he to me.
xxxxxHe came to me from the sky. It was December 31, 1982 at three in the afternoon. I had to pick him up at the Eastern Airlines freight depot on the east side of Houston International Airport. At four weeks old I was sure he would be screaming his little head off and that the workers there would be glad that I finally got there to pick him up.
xxxxxWhen I last talked with the breeder in North Carolina he told me that he had sent me what I wanted. I was impressed because there had been no way to determine for sure whether or not the litter that had arrived would have any black cubs, as Timber Wolves come in every color possible.
xxxxxIt seemed that the care I took to select a breeder had paid off. For several months I had contacted every breeder of wolves that were in the US. Most gave me shoddy information and very bad pictures with equally bad brochures, and some had no brochures at all. When I got in touch with Dysart?s Kennels I received a large and well-detailed brochure with black and white pictures within it, also included were several fresh color Polaroid?s of what he had to offer. After speaking on the phone we decided that a half-breed would be best suited to the environment that my boy would be coming to. He would be around people a lot so I needed the calmer disposition that a half-breed would offer and also to hopefully allow me to control him to a greater degree than a 5/8 or 3/4 breed. 7/8 and full blood cubs were also available. It also had to be a male and hopefully black.
xxxxxPharoah?s mother, an imported German Shepherd, had a litter of eight, all males and all black. I told him to send me one on to Houston. His father was a very large Mackenzie Valley Timber Wolf out of Canada, who weighed 160 pounds and had a 30-inch neck.
xxxxxThe kennel called and told me when to expect the little guy?s arrival. I was so excited because I knew that this was going to lead to a really exciting time in my life.
xxxxxI finally arrived at the airport and told the man at the counter who I was and that I was there to pick-up an animal. He left to go retrieve my little prize and I listened for screaming and whining but heard nothing and thought that maybe he hadn?t arrived. But no, here he comes with a carrier in his hand and there were no noises coming out of it. I wondered if he was OK in there. He set him on the counter and prepared the paper work as I peered through the slots in the carrier trying to see just what had arrived for me. I was amazed, he was fast asleep and looked so comfortable. I signed the papers and carried him out to my car.
xxxxxAfter setting the carrier down, I removed the top and finally got a good look at him. He was still sleeping. And he was just about the cutest thing I had ever seen. He looked just like a little wolf pup I had seen on a public television program. Call me crazy but I felt like his mother already. I stroked his little head and spoke softly to rouse him before I picked him up. He half opened his eyes and I spoke to him again as I picked up this lovely little creature. He was as soft as a cotton ball. His black baby hair was thick enough to bury your fingers in it and he had feelers all over his body like a cat does. His legs were amazingly thick and his feet were just plain huge. I think he weighed about 5 or 6 pounds and I could hold him in my two hands. As he awoke he looked at me and yawned. I cradled him in my right arm and nuzzled him a bit.
xxxxxI put the carrier in the trunk and we got in the car. He looked around the front seat and took to me as if he knew that he was coming to stay with me. After getting aquatinted for a few minutes we headed back to the house in the southern part of Houston, about 10 or 15 minutes from the Astrodome. As we left the parking lot he curled up along side of me and fell back asleep. He was home. I think we both felt that way.
xxxxxHis place in the house would be in my room and his bed my bed. I had already gotten the essentials for him, food and bowls and a friend gave me a container of tennis balls for him for when he would start to feel frisky. These would turn out to be one of his two favorite toys. He would never tire of chasing them, even at 14.
xxxxxHouse breaking him turned out to be anti-climatic. He always took this particular posture before going and since I spent all my time with him I always was able to get him outside in time. Within two weeks time he was doing his duty outside without fail. He would alert me by going to the door.
xxxxxI should explain how I was able to spend so much time with him. I was paid well in my profession and because of the nature of the work I had been working three months and then could take off three months and had done this for several years. Two years before Pharoah came along I had worked for six months and then took a six-month vacation. After returning to work again I decided that I would work for a year and then take a year long vacation. I thought that I might never get to do this again so I went for it. I saved as much as I could and then near the end of that year of working is when I decided that I would finally get the animal I had dreamed of having ever since being around the half-breed wolf that a friend had gotten a few years earlier.
xxxxxI did not take lightly the responsibility of having such an animal and I planned and thought out what I needed to do with great care. I think that a lot of people casually decide to get a dog or a cat or whatever, but owning and being responsible for a wolf should not be done so lightly. It would require a lot of training and patience. And he would also get to be very large and powerful. I would have to consider what was best for him, for me and especially for the public that he would be around.
xxxxxThe first two weeks I held him in my arms as much as possible and would not let anyone else pet or even touch him. No one much cared for that. I heard so many, ?Ohhhhh?s?, that I lost track of the number and it soon became the norm. I wanted to be sure that the two of us would have a bond as strong as any Alpha wolf and her brood in the wild. After that I became his mother and he followed me everywhere, all the time. Since day one I took him everywhere that I went. To friends houses, the store, the gas station, everywhere. We had become inseparable. Like me, everyone thought he was just absolutely beautiful. To everyone?s relief after that two-week period all my friends and family finally got to hold him and pet him. The ooou?s and ahhh?s were as numerous as the first time anyone had seen him. And I suspect that Pharoah loved every minute of it.
xxxxxPharoah was my second pet. My first being a German Shepherd, Doberman mix. His name was Ceasar. I had him for only a year and a half and then when I left him with a friend he ended up being hit by a car. He was my first animal child. We were very close and his death was hard for me to deal with. Ceasar had been constantly at my side also, except for this one time. I never forgot that. I was determined that this would never happen with Pharoah and I.
xxxxxI decided not to pick a name until after I had received him from the breeder. It took me almost the whole first two weeks to decide on a name. I finally decided on Pharoah because it means God. His name had to be comparable to Ceasar?s, which also meant God. It fit him to a tee.
xxxxxIt was amazing just how well we got along with each other. I had decided before hand that I would give him my all and try to give him the best life that I could. I am a half-breed myself, being of the Caddo and Delaware Indian Nations, and have often thought that that was one of the reasons we got along so well. I decided that he would get to be in touch with his wolf side and set out to give him experiences along those lines whenever I could. I would let him in my world and he could let me into his. And so it was.
xxxxxI had been around many animals that others had and they always were lacking in their training and controllability. Even in the simplest of things. To enable Pharoah and I to do the things that I wanted us to be able to do, his training would have to be far superior to any that I had seen. Mainly because his wolf instincts could and would take over in the blink of an eye. I was not working so I actually had the time to do things right. I researched training manuals and other books and they were all so complicated, some of them four hundred pages. I wanted to train him, not teach him how to read. Hmmmmmmm. There had to be a simpler way, I thought. Then one day while at a small pet store I found a training manual. It cost $.69 and was 17 pages long. It was perfect as it covered all the basics and gave me a style of training that I could adapt and add my own commands. Eventually using this method Pharoah would have a vocabulary of 36 commands.