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Stop...DON'T GO ANY FURTHER, UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO SMILE J LAUGH, GIGGLE, AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY SURFING THE WEB. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR....IF YOU "DISAGREE" click here~~~~>> Mike, REMOVE ME FROM MIKE'S FUNNIES MAILING LIST And I will remove you. (you pathetic excuse for a human being) I do not believe in force feeding you material that you don't want. Your mail box being full for 2 or more consecutive issues will result in your being removed from the mailing list & you will need to resubscribe. Blah, blah, blah & more technical stuff. If anyone actually reads this crap, I will give you a brand new Coup de Ville. I consider myself an equal opportunity offender, & do not discriminate on the basis of sex, (if a case of the clap spreads is it then applause?) color, creed, religion, or any other basis. A blind man walks into a bar....think about it. The works found in this mailing were located or sent to me from several different sources any copyrighted material will be noted when known! Any & all of my original thoughts & writings are mine, you can't have them. They are copyrighted & will be defended to the fullest extent of the law in effect on Mars at the time of infraction. You have requested to receive my funnies. Yada, yada, yada. You are responsible for your own actions. You take it upon yourself to read this content or click on any hyperlinks herein. If a hyperlink transports you to another dimension or part of the galaxy, that's not my fault. If you are an AOL employee, law enforcement person, alien from the planet Zegoid or any other idiot who is out to get me, you are breaking the law, the laws of the US, the laws of the Intergalactic Federation of Planets & God's own law if you try to report me to TOS, or sue me (paternity cases gladly accepted), or otherwise try & get me into trouble with my Mommy or anyone else. Take my ex-wife...please!! If you bet a hooker that she can't make you come, would you be arrested for gambling or prostitution? Understand that I keep all requests on file, and they will be available to AOL in the event of a TOS violation...There will be some adult content (strong language/adult situations) so if you are under 18, or easily offended, click the X now. Can an orphan eat in a family restaurant? these are the kind of questions I ask myself. If you still want to read my funnies..... ENJOY! ©2000 If you know of someone who'd like to receive Mike's Funnies ... send them this link ----> OK, Mike, Sign Me Up! I will then send them a consent form to return. I depend on many sources for my material. I really appreciate all of you sending me the jokes that tickle your funny bone. Here's a link that will make it easier to send them to me. Click here ----> Hey, Mike, have you heard the one about ... so without further to do..here's today's funnies...Mike =)
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Good morning everyone. I know you weren't expecting
the funnies to show up in your mailboxes, but surprise, here they are. Mike's
computer is going to be down a while according to Gateway, so he and I discussed
it and I agreed to hop in here and do the funnies in his absence. I intended
to get them out to you last night, but it just didn't happen and I apologize
for that. Anyway, here we are. Please bare with me as I acclimate myself
to filling Mike's shoes, ok maybe not, but I might be able to ski in them....lol.
Ok on with the funnies. Today is
Hot & Spicy
Food International Day.....hmmmmm.....sounds like fun to me. It's also
National Nothing
Day......Now that's a day for me....I think I'll do nothing today....hehehe.
Ok with that said and done, on with the fun. Hugs, Donna.
Mike sent this to me to share with you guys.
Here it is....the classic sure to be a new hit.....as stolen, errrr, written by Mike!
Now Everyone, Sing Along!!!
Yesterday,
All those back ups seemed a waste of pay,
Now my data base has gone away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
There's a max crash hanging over me,
My system died so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong,
What it was I couldn't say,
Now all my data's gone,
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
Need for back ups seemed so far away,
Knew my data was here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
I switched something off,
What it was I couldn't say.
Now the computers blank,
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
All those back ups seemed a wasted way,
Now my data base has gone away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
I believe in Yesterday....
Rotflmao.......poor Mike.
A couple of shorts for you
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.......rut roh......could be trouble.....yes I'm mentally ill, or is that demented?
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to do blowjobs! "Blowjobs!," the woman replied. It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explain the froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?," she asked. The husband replied,"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here.".....That'll teach her.....lol.
A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district in the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew. When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at his side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneel at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. The child looked up and said, "Watcha doin' Uncle Jay?" "Why the same thing you're doing," replied the uncle. "Ma's gonna be mad," said the boy. "The Pot's on this side." ....uhhhh.....ummmm......no comment
Health Questions:
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap....AMEN
Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.......rotf....that's a great way to look at it....I think I'll tell my dr.that
Q: Is beer bad for you?
A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.....Exercise...HA! HA! HA!
Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?
A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach....yeah that's it....lol
Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!
A: Uh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.
Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?
A: The strato-lounger.
Thanks Tonia for your hard work finding these for us
http://www.calendarhome.com/tyc/
http://www.geocities.com/gidges26/beautiful.html
http://www.wotch.com/funstuff/election_result
http://hawk-ent.simplenet.com/vfp/vfp.html
http://members.aol.com/Ryanbut/optical.html
http://members.aol.com/mempenny14/size.html
Computer Lessons for Kids and Small Adults
http://www.magmacom.com/~dsleeth/kids/lessons/starter.htm
http://members.aol.com/jcsaves3/AAS.htm
http://www.magiccarpet.com/~bcarpio/cures.htm
Play Brunswick's Virtual Bowling
http://www.brunswickbowling.com/html/game.html
http://www.angelfire.com/hi/HawkFlying/1silentsnowfall.html
Thanks a bunch DesiRee. Enjoy Guys.
Hugs,
Donna
Guess the Dictator/Sit-Com Character
http://208.177.130.81/dictator/
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. They crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The Moral Of The Story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit-- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, tail-over-teakettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you damn dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Sir?".......rotflmao
Well that's going to do it for this issue of Mike's Funnies. I hope you all enjoyed it and don't forget to check Down Below The Fold©, you never know what you'll find. Have a great day.
Donna
Welcome to Down Below The Fold©
Something to offend just about every college football fan...
What does the average Seminoles player get on his SAT's?
-----Drool.
What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
-----A full set of teeth.
How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?
-----Grease her hips and push like hell.
How do you get a Florida Gators graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
Why do the University of Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs?
-----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Why do they no longer serve ice at Clemson football games?
----- The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Why is the San Diego State football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
What are the longest three years of a Kansas State football player's life?
----His freshman year.
Why did the Texas Longhorns replace natural grass with Astroturf?
-----To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
How many Texas A&M freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
-----None. That's a sophomore course at Texas A&M.
Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
----- Missouri. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Why did O.J. want to move to West Virginia?
-----Everyone there has the same DNA.
Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash the rest of the week.
What does the N on Nebraska's helmet stand for?
----- Knowledge
What keeps Texas from slipping into the Gulf of Mexico?
----- Oklahoma SUCKS!