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Good morning everyone. Well, here we are it's Hump
Day. I hope everyone's week is going well. It's almost over just keep telling
yourself that. Well, let's see what we have today. Today is
Eskimo Pie Patent
Day.......yummmm........there goes the diet again. Geeze, I think I need
to do something about these tags....they're really making it hard for me
to stick to my diet. Well, let's get to the Funnies, shall
we....enjoy!
Sometimes, during a booze-filled weekend, I get to feeling kinda ashamed about all the beer I drink. Then I look deeply into my glass and I start thinking about the workers in the brewery, and about all their hopes and dreams. "If I didn't drink this beer," I think, "those poor people might be out of work, and all their dreams would be shattered." So I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to selfishly sit here and worry about my liver."
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope." "Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope." "How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope." Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said. "Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."............ROTFLMAO....see he does know something.
TOP 10 REASONS WHY IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY....
1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3) No sofas in your restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."
Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get. One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch. His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know." He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again. Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business. He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long." "That's right." "You went off the porch again, didn't you?" "Yes, I did." "We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there." "Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!".......ROTF.....at least he thought about it first.....LOL
The Top 17 Signs Your Pet is an Alien from Space
17. Carefully spoons "Tang" into the toilet before he drinks out of it.
16. Last month's bill had $135 worth of unexplained long distance calls to David Duchovny's cell phone.
15. The scratches in your sofa look suspiciously like crop circles.
14. Most dogs: sit, stay, roll over. Your dog: levitates, balances the checkbook, helps Junior with calculus homework....where can I find that dog....I want him....lol
13. "Polly wants a crollop of phylixinis... Polly wants an Illusional Q36 Explosive Space Modulator..."
12. Always arranges his Kibble 'N' Bits in the shape of the Andromeda Galaxy.
11. Shares your intense hatred of all earthlings.
10. Fido wakes you up every morning by bursting out through your abdomen.
9. When your son faked throwing a stick, Fido vaporized his happy ass.
8. Fluffy keeps urging you to vote for Pat Buchanan.
7. Rover has an irresistible fascination with airborne plastic replicas of flying saucers.
6. Instead of sniffing the butts of other dogs, your pooch uses mind-control to get you to do it and report back.
5. As far as you know, Sigourney Weaver never fried anyone *else's* cat with a flame-thrower.
4. It can't be coincidence that your whenever your rottweiler takes a dump, it's in the shape of Devil's Tower in Wyoming.
3. You find pieces of the missing Mars landers buried in your back yard.
2. Not only catches the chuckwagon running across the kitchen floor, but administers an anal probe to the driver.
and Number 1 Sign Your Pet is an Alien from Space...
1. Constantly using the Vulcan leg hump to render the postman unconscious......ROTFLMAO
Thanks Tonia!
http://www.mamarocks.com/indian_blessing.htm
When God made mad, she had a little bit left over..
http://www.pages2send.com/man1.htm
Any Time You Need A Friend.......
http://www.angelcities.com/members/smileaday/jan5card.html
Coolscreens.com - Free Utilities
http://www.coolscreens.com/span_d.html
http://members.xoom.com/WackyShack/Puzzles/puzzles.html
http://www.mich.com/~rrreibel/largest.html
Connection Keeper - Keeps your connection alive and automatically closes popup windows.
http://www.gammadyne.com/conkeep.htm
Thanks DesiRee....this one is great!! Enjoy everyone.
Hugs,
Donna
http://www.emptywebsite.com/
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.".....Oh my...that's a disaster....can't they get some disaster aide for that
Bill Clinton Retirement Plans
10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and sisters.
9. Tour the nations' prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
8. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."...LOL
7. Buy a Hooter's franchise.
6. Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse"...I thought he did that already
5. Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
4. Continue work counseling interns.
3. Stop using fake names in personal ads.
2. Take little Buddy out three times a day -- also walk the dog.
1. Get to know those Gore girls better.
GREAT PRACTICAL TIPS
Ummmm, I would suggest not trying these at home.....lol.
* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
* High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
* Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
* Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
* Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings......that works for Wooly Willy...lol
* X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
* A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
* Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!...this could be fun to watch and make a great video tape
* Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
* Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
* A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
20 Proven Stress Relievers:
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your VISA card to pay your Mastercharge.
3. When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
4. Mail yourself an anonymous love letter.
5. Make a list of things that you have already done....I like that one....lol
6. Towel dance naked after a shower in front of your pet.
7. Fill out all forms today using Roman numerals.
8. Mail a large letter using one cent stamps.
9. Leaf through the National Geographic and draw underwear on natives.
10. Shop at Nordstrom's. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it all the next day.
11. Put Alka Seltzer tablets under your tongue just before a presentation.
12. Pay your electric bill in pennies....make sure they are loose
13. Drive to work in reverse.
14. Listen to Lawrence Welk records at 45 rpm instead of 33 rpm.
15. Read the dictionary upside down and try to find secret messages.
16. Start a cereal box collection.
17. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they are in jail.
18. Make up a new language and ask people for directions.
19. Smear yourself with caramel and make popcorn with the lid off.
20. Bill your doctor the time you spent waiting in the waiting room...now that's a great thought.....I would be sooooo rich......lol
An Internet Prayer:
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
Well, that will do it for today's issue of Mike's Funnies. Hope you enjoyed it. Have a good day and I will see you back here tomorrow.
Big Hugs,
Donna
