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Stop...DON'T GO ANY FURTHER, UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO SMILE J LAUGH, GIGGLE, AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY SURFING THE WEB. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR....IF YOU "DISAGREE" click here~~~~>> Mike, REMOVE ME FROM MIKE'S FUNNIES MAILING LIST And I will remove you. (you pathetic excuse for a human being) I do not believe in force feeding you material that you don't want. Your mail box being full for 2 or more consecutive issues will result in your being removed from the mailing list & you will need to resubscribe. Blah, blah, blah & more technical stuff. If anyone actually reads this crap, I will give you a brand new Coup de Ville. I consider myself an equal opportunity offender, & do not discriminate on the basis of sex, (if a case of the clap spreads is it then applause?) color, creed, religion, or any other basis. A blind man walks into a bar....think about it. The works found in this mailing were located or sent to me from several different sources any copyrighted material will be noted when known! Any & all of my original thoughts & writings are mine, you can't have them. They are copyrighted & will be defended to the fullest extent of the law in effect on Mars at the time of infraction. You have requested to receive my funnies. Yada, yada, yada. You are responsible for your own actions. You take it upon yourself to read this content or click on any hyperlinks herein. If a hyperlink transports you to another dimension or part of the galaxy, that's not my fault. If you are an AOL employee, law enforcement person, alien from the planet Zegoid or any other idiot who is out to get me, you are breaking the law, the laws of the US, the laws of the Intergalactic Federation of Planets & God's own law if you try to report me to TOS, or sue me (paternity cases gladly accepted), or otherwise try & get me into trouble with my Mommy or anyone else. Take my ex-wife...please!! If you bet a hooker that she can't make you come, would you be arrested for gambling or prostitution? Understand that I keep all requests on file, and they will be available to AOL in the event of a TOS violation...There will be some adult content (strong language/adult situations) so if you are under 18, or easily offended, click the X now. Can an orphan eat in a family restaurant? these are the kind of questions I ask myself. If you still want to read my funnies..... ENJOY! ©2000 If you know of someone who'd like to receive Mike's Funnies ... send them this link ----> OK, Mike, Sign Me Up! I will then send them a consent form to return. I depend on many sources for my material. I really appreciate all of you sending me the jokes that tickle your funny bone. Here's a link that will make it easier to send them to me. Click here ----> Hey, Mike, have you heard the one about ... so without further to do..here's today's funnies...Mike =)
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Good morning all and welcome to the week. YUCK!
I mean yeah isn't it just wonderful......ok NOT. Well, here we are at the
end of January. I personally can't believe it. We only have 327 shopping
days left until Christmas. I better get out to the mall and get some shopping
done....lol. Ok, I confess, I'm just about done with mine. I hit the stores
right after Christmas this year. I decided it was time to change the way
I was doing my shopping. That going to get things done the week of Christmas
just wasn't cutting it anymore...lol. I want to take a short minute to say
to all of you, THANK YOU! I have gotten so much support from you all, that
it makes me want to keep doing the Funnies. I have had a few of you ask me
what I did with Mike....lol. Well, I guess it's time for me to come clean.
I chained him really good and put him in the out building behind the house.
Since some of you have figured it out, I guess that I need to work harder
on that big pit I've been digging back in the woods......ooops, did I say
that. Just ignore that last comment, ok? I got a note from Mike and he is
still without his computer. Gateway is apparently backed up working on computers
and they haven't even looked at it yet. Now I know some of you out there
don't like Gateway computers. I for one can say that I haven't got anything
against them, except maybe with their repair time. It sucks......oh my I
said that too didn't I?....lol. Ok now that I have filled you all in on Mike,
on with the Funnies. Today is
Escape Day....hmmmm....this
could pose to be an interesting day for some. I hope Mike isn't planning
an escape. I would probably get in a lot of trouble if they find him......hehehe.
Have a good day all.
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them........ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. When he told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic.".....ummmmm, well, ok, I guess she has a point
A forest ranger was making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he came across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial. The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" "Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." "You may proceed." "I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks." the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought that if I startled the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. 'Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." The judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by and the judge returns: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?" "Well your honor, the best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."...........lol.....gotcha
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $50,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."....bet they were busy the next day....lol
Thanks Tonia!!
http://www.justsaywow.com/funfilledwinter.htm
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Strand/3403/index.html
Garden Of Life's ~ Emotions by Francine
http://poetry-emotion.com/new_site/fourdays.html
http://www.mamarocks.com/mother_nature.htm
http://www.demon.co.uk/davidg/spigots.htm
Test Your Geography Knowledge- USA
http://www.lizardpoint.com/fun/geoquiz/usaquiz.html
http://www.vaxxine.com/steveb/getold.htm
Thanks Pain for sharing these
Bizarre facts & laws of this world
* In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death....okie dokie
* In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry......ok guys, don't kill each other moving there
* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired...yipeeeeeeee!....ummm sorry, got exited there....lol
* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
* In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.....I don't think soooooo
* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee...I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not waiting that long for a cup of coffee
* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb...no comment
* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes...well, that hardly seems fair
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour...hard way to burn calories, don't you think?
* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue....ummm again, no comment
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated...I wondered why I couldn't get them to fall on the left side, now I guess I know
* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
* Butterflies taste with their feet...like we really care?
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* Starfish don't have brains.
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... "The teeth"....ROTFLMAO, that'll teach him to mess with those little old couples
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car. The officer on the phone asked, "What did they take?" The drunk cried out, "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator!" The officer told the man to wait by his car and that a patrol car would be there in a few minutes. However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice coming over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk, "It turns out that I got in the backseat by mistake."......as my 4-year-old would say....DUH
Well, that's going to do it for this issue of the funnies. Thank you to the staff for helping me to get this all together. Have a great day.
Hugs,
Donna
