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Stop...DON'T GO ANY FURTHER, UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO SMILE J LAUGH, GIGGLE, AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY SURFING THE WEB. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR....IF YOU "DISAGREE" click here~~~~>> Mike, REMOVE ME FROM MIKE'S FUNNIES MAILING LIST And I will remove you. (you pathetic excuse for a human being) I do not believe in force feeding you material that you don't want. Your mail box being full for 2 or more consecutive issues will result in your being removed from the mailing list & you will need to resubscribe. Blah, blah, blah & more technical stuff. If anyone actually reads this crap, I will give you a brand new Coup de Ville. I consider myself an equal opportunity offender, & do not discriminate on the basis of sex, (if a case of the clap spreads is it then applause?) color, creed, religion, or any other basis. A blind man walks into a bar....think about it. The works found in this mailing were located or sent to me from several different sources any copyrighted material will be noted when known! Any & all of my original thoughts & writings are mine, you can't have them. They are copyrighted & will be defended to the fullest extent of the law in effect on Mars at the time of infraction. You have requested to receive my funnies. Yada, yada, yada. You are responsible for your own actions. You take it upon yourself to read this content or click on any hyperlinks herein. If a hyperlink transports you to another dimension or part of the galaxy, that's not my fault. If you are an AOL employee, law enforcement person, alien from the planet Zegoid or any other idiot who is out to get me, you are breaking the law, the laws of the US, the laws of the Intergalactic Federation of Planets & God's own law if you try to report me to TOS, or sue me (paternity cases gladly accepted), or otherwise try & get me into trouble with my Mommy or anyone else. Take my ex-wife...please!! If you bet a hooker that she can't make you come, would you be arrested for gambling or prostitution? Understand that I keep all requests on file, and they will be available to AOL in the event of a TOS violation...There will be some adult content (strong language/adult situations) so if you are under 18, or easily offended, click the X now. Can an orphan eat in a family restaurant? these are the kind of questions I ask myself. If you still want to read my funnies..... ENJOY! ©2000 If you know of someone who'd like to receive Mike's Funnies ... send them this link ----> OK, Mike, Sign Me Up! I will then send them a consent form to return. I depend on many sources for my material. I really appreciate all of you sending me the jokes that tickle your funny bone. Here's a link that will make it easier to send them to me. Click here ----> Hey, Mike, have you heard the one about ... so without further to do..here's today's funnies...Mike =)
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Good Wednesday morning all. Hope this finds you
doing well. Just think, it's Hump day. We might actually make it to the end
of the week. I still can't believe tomorrow is the first day of February.
Wow, times sure fun when you're having flies, I mean, time flies when you're
having fun...yeah that's it. Let's see what we have today. Today is
Child Labor
Day......well, if it's your child and you want to make them work, then, I
say "GO FOR IT!" , otherwise, I think you might have some labor laws to deal
with. Today is also
National Popcorn
Day. Someone have some for me please. I'm trying real hard to stay on my
diet. Ok with that done, on with the Funnies.
A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?" Bartender says, "Well we call it a Pabst Smir!"
Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high heels, and long dresses. They passed a bar and one of the girls said, "Let's go in for a drink." They went in and crawled up to the bar stools. The bartender laughed and thought he would have some fun. He went to the first little girl and said, "What will you have young lady?" The girl replied, "I'll Have a Martini." The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her. He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?" She replied, "A Manhattan." The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in front of her. Next he asked the third little girl, "What will you have today?" After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche. Mother says they're so refreshing."...fill that order buddy..........ROTF
Some Quickies For You... A little man bashing......yipeeeee
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again..and again....and again.......lol...oops, I slipped again
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him......ain't it the truth...sorry guys...couldn't help myself
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough....just get the gun
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.....ah hah....I knew it....lol
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"...they won't touch that one....lol
Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.".......rotflmao, just like a man.....only hears what he wants
Thanks Tonia!
http://www.mamarocks.com/size_of_your_heart.htm
ZDNet DownloadsThinks.com - brain games, puzzles and pastimes
http://www.thinks.com/
http://www.fgi.net/~jcgemini/index5.html
http://www.justsaywow.com/bestthings.htm
http://www.mamarocks.com/ib_gob_a_code.htm
http://www.nwlink.com/~jadie/moonbeams.html
http://www2.50megs.com/dreamer/frames.htm
Thanks DesiRee!
The Eggplant Conspiracy! | The E-zine That Knows Who the True Enemy Is!
http://hometown.aol.com/Lawnweed1/
* When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.
* When I was 16 I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
* In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.
* When I was 25 I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.
* When I was 28 I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a boy with some ambition.
* When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned.
* I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick..ROTFLMAO
More Quickies, this time you'll find some women bashing to be fair to the men
Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.
Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your Dick.
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip across the flat ones.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cause no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Q: Why do most women care more about their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN"
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
Well, I guess that will do it for today. Hope you enjoyed. Have a great day and I will see you back here tomorrow.
Hugs,
Donna
