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Stop...DON'T GO ANY FURTHER, UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO SMILE J LAUGH, GIGGLE, AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY SURFING THE WEB. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR....IF YOU "DISAGREE" click here~~~~>> Mike, REMOVE ME FROM MIKE'S FUNNIES MAILING LIST And I will remove you. (you pathetic excuse for a human being) I do not believe in force feeding you material that you don't want. Your mail box being full for 2 or more consecutive issues will result in your being removed from the mailing list & you will need to resubscribe. Blah, blah, blah & more technical stuff. If anyone actually reads this crap, I will give you a brand new Coup de Ville. I consider myself an equal opportunity offender, & do not discriminate on the basis of sex, (if a case of the clap spreads is it then applause?) color, creed, religion, or any other basis. A blind man walks into a bar....think about it. The works found in this mailing were located or sent to me from several different sources any copyrighted material will be noted when known! Any & all of my original thoughts & writings are mine, you can't have them. They are copyrighted & will be defended to the fullest extent of the law in effect on Mars at the time of infraction. You have requested to receive my funnies. Yada, yada, yada. You are responsible for your own actions. You take it upon yourself to read this content or click on any hyperlinks herein. If a hyperlink transports you to another dimension or part of the galaxy, that's not my fault. If you are an AOL employee, law enforcement person, alien from the planet Zegoid or any other idiot who is out to get me, you are breaking the law, the laws of the US, the laws of the Intergalactic Federation of Planets & God's own law if you try to report me to TOS, or sue me (paternity cases gladly accepted), or otherwise try & get me into trouble with my Mommy or anyone else. Take my ex-wife...please!! If you bet a hooker that she can't make you come, would you be arrested for gambling or prostitution? Understand that I keep all requests on file, and they will be available to AOL in the event of a TOS violation...There will be some adult content (strong language/adult situations) so if you are under 18, or easily offended, click the X now. Can an orphan eat in a family restaurant? these are the kind of questions I ask myself. If you still want to read my funnies..... ENJOY! ©2000 If you know of someone who'd like to receive Mike's Funnies ... send them this link ----> OK, Mike, Sign Me Up! I will then send them a consent form to return. I depend on many sources for my material. I really appreciate all of you sending me the jokes that tickle your funny bone. Here's a link that will make it easier to send them to me. Click here ----> Hey, Mike, have you heard the one about ... so without further to do..here's today's funnies...Mike =)
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Good morning all and welcome to a new week.
All at once now.....YUCK!!!!.....Hope you all had a nice weekend. Mine was
busy as usual. I spent quite a bit of time on the phone talking to Mike and
trying to help him get his system straight. That's right he got his computer
back, but it seems that the wonderful staff at the Gateway branch he took
his computer to, decided to see if they could make a really big mess out
of it. We got him going I think. He is spending time now trying to get things
back in order so he can come back to the Funnies. I hear all that cheering
out there. Don't get too happy too fast now...lol....I will be around a little
longer. I will let you all know when I am handing the reigns back to Mike.
It will probably be after this week. Ok now let's see what we have today.
Today is
....Lame Duck
Day.....hmmmmmm.....that is an odd day, don't you think....hehehe....maybe
a lame day is a better way to put it....lol. Ok let's get on with the Funnies,
shall we? Have a good day.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor........bad move there dad. You can forget getting any now.....lol
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then, she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -- it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney."..........rotflmao
There is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months of flu season. In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of you family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.
Thanks DesiRee
Shit: Through the eyes of the Military
*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"
*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
*A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"........ROTF
Thanks for the links Tonia!
Wonderful Life * Valentines Day
http://www.worldpath.net/~davef/valentine.html
Valentines Day : Valentine's Day cards
http://www.abuzzz.com/card/build120.shtml
http://www.mysteriouswolf.com/hollydayze/valentines/index.html
http://www.himonkey.net/holiday/v/index.html
HomeArts: Valentine's Day Special
http://homearts.com/depts/toc/00valec1.htm
Jerry's Happy Valentines' Day Page
http://wilstar.com/holidays/valentn.htm
http://www.tentil.com/valentine.html
Thanks Pain!!!
MEDICAL IDIOTS
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away....can you say DUH!!!!
Thanks H20!
Rules of Life
* I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.....LOL
* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
* Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
* Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue....I have too may statue days myself...lol
* Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
* I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
* My reality check bounced...and bounced and bounced......lol
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
* I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
* Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
* Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
* Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done....YEAH!
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
There was this guy going down the road when he came to a stop sign.He slowed down looked both ways and kept right on going. Well a few minutes later he was pulled over by a highway patrol.The officer stepped up to his window and said "Sir you ran a stop sign back there did you not see it?" The man replied " Well sir i slowed down and looked to make sure no one was coming." The officer responded and said " Well sir, But that was a stop sign you were supposed to stop." Well by this time the guy is getting pretty angry. so he say to the officer " LOOK MAN I SAID I LOOKED AND MADE SURE IT WAS CLEAR!!" And once again the officer told him "But sir you don't seem to understand that sign means stop." so this made the guy really mad so he got out of the car and got in the officers face.The officer pulls out his night stick and begins beating the man. While he is doing this he looks down at the guy and say" Now you tell me do you want me to slow down or stop?.....rotf....guess he won't try that again.....lol
Well I guess that will do it for this issue of the Funnies. I hope you all enjoyed it. Have a good day and I will see you here tomorrow. Don't forget to check DOWN BELOW THE FOLD©....yeah there's something there today...hehehe.
Big Hugs,
Donna
Welcome to
DOWN BELOW THE FOLD©
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered. As the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed ----------------- Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world ------- About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night SHE SHOT HIM!!