FOR MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT, MAXIMIZE SCREEN NOW
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Stop...DON'T GO ANY FURTHER, UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO SMILE J LAUGH, GIGGLE, AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY SURFING THE WEB. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR....IF YOU "DISAGREE" click here~~~~>> Mike, REMOVE ME FROM MIKE'S FUNNIES MAILING LIST And I will remove you. (you pathetic excuse for a human being) I do not believe in force feeding you material that you don't want. Your mail box being full for 2 or more consecutive issues will result in your being removed from the mailing list & you will need to resubscribe. Blah, blah, blah & more technical stuff. If anyone actually reads this crap, I will give you a brand new Coup de Ville. I consider myself an equal opportunity offender, & do not discriminate on the basis of sex, (if a case of the clap spreads is it then applause?) color, creed, religion, or any other basis. A blind man walks into a bar....think about it. The works found in this mailing were located or sent to me from several different sources any copyrighted material will be noted when known! Any & all of my original thoughts & writings are mine, you can't have them. They are copyrighted & will be defended to the fullest extent of the law in effect on Mars at the time of infraction. You have requested to receive my funnies. Yada, yada, yada. You are responsible for your own actions. You take it upon yourself to read this content or click on any hyperlinks herein. If a hyperlink transports you to another dimension or part of the galaxy, that's not my fault. If you are an AOL employee, law enforcement person, alien from the planet Zegoid or any other idiot who is out to get me, you are breaking the law, the laws of the US, the laws of the Intergalactic Federation of Planets & God's own law if you try to report me to TOS, or sue me (paternity cases gladly accepted), or otherwise try & get me into trouble with my Mommy or anyone else. Take my ex-wife...please!! If you bet a hooker that she can't make you come, would you be arrested for gambling or prostitution? Understand that I keep all requests on file, and they will be available to AOL in the event of a TOS violation...There will be some adult content (strong language/adult situations) so if you are under 18, or easily offended, click the X now. Can an orphan eat in a family restaurant? these are the kind of questions I ask myself. If you still want to read my funnies..... ENJOY! ©2000 If you know of someone who'd like to receive Mike's Funnies ... send them this link ----> OK, Mike, Sign Me Up! I will then send them a consent form to return. I depend on many sources for my material. I really appreciate all of you sending me the jokes that tickle your funny bone. Here's a link that will make it easier to send them to me. Click here ----> Hey, Mike, have you heard the one about ... so without further to do..here's today's funnies...Mike =)
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Good Thursday morning all. Well, we're almost
there. The end of the week is just around the corner. All at once
now.......YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Let's see what we might have for today and
the rest of the weekend. Today is
Kite Flying Day....ok,
go fly a kite. Tomorrow is
Toothache Day.....I
for one will pass on this one, besides my dentist is closed on Friday's.
Saturday is 
Umbrella
Day..well, that's probably a good thing, because there's rain in the forecast
so that's very appropriate. Sunday is
Don't Cry Over Spilled
Milk Day.....you shouldn't cry over spilled milk any day so don't do it ok?
Sunday is also 
White
Tee-shirt Day, so after you spill the milk, get a white tee-shirt and clean
it up and don't forget to hold back the tears while doing it. Monday is
National Plum Pudding
Day. I'm not much on that so someone can have mine. Ok, with that done, on
with the Funnies.
"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck -his tire is wobbling." The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked. "Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."....uh oh...he's not getting any for a while....lol
A Child's View of Retirement
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green, to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do
exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go riding around a big grassy place with little hills and little sandy places in little cars. Sometimes they stop and try to hit little flags with little white balls. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every
night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work
hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.......what a perspective.
And here is what the Grandparents have to say:
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
ONE: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO: My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE: I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR: Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE; All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX: If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN: It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT: Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE: I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN: Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN: Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
TWELVE: It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN: Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN: If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN: When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN: It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN: The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN: These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after..
Thanks Tonia!
Family.com: The Complete Valentine's Day
http://family.go.com/Features/family_1997_02/famf/famf199702_ffvalentine1/
famf199702_ffvalentine1.html
http://logical.windowware.com/piggy/val/val.html
Family.com: Valentine's Day Crafts and Fun
http://family.go.com/Features/family_1997_02/tamp/tamp199702_vday/tamp199702_vday.html
http://kidexchange.about.com/kids/kidexchange/library/blvalentine.htm
http://whyfiles.org/033love/
The Valentine Thief Frames 1, 2, 3
http://www.freedonia.com/~carl/valentine_thief/
http://www-hsc.usc.edu/~rmostell/humor/valentine/index.html
Valentines Day - A time for Love, Romance, and Fun!
http://www.networkone.net/~dumptv/holidays/valentines/
Free Valentines Day Clip Art Directory: Valentine's Day Images, Graphics and More
http://www.iband.com/clip1/zvaldir.htm
http://www.iamshe.com.au/greetingcards/valentine.htm
http://www.xtrasite.co.nz/valentines/front.html
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/7997/valcrafts.htm
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.
The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person......oops, guess my secrets out now.....lol
Some poetry just for Mike.....His comment (Now this is what I call poetry.....lol)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I like spaghetti,
let's go fuck.
Quotes from celebrities
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
* Henry Kissenger
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex--no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs
"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee--the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
* Dan Rather
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
* George Burns
"Honesty is the key to any relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Courtney Cox
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
* Patricia Arquette
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
* Jerry Garcia
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson
Well, that will do it for today. Hope you enjoyed. Try really hard to have a nice weekend.
Big Hugs,
Donna
