LOL

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak something terrible.  After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself.  So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are you doing?" "I gotta piss, man." "You can't piss here.  Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.  "Here," said the cop, whiz away." The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.  "Ahhh.  Whew.  Thanks.  This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" "No.  This is the American Embassy."

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained. "Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."

Three cowboys came into a bar bragging about which of them was the baddest.  The first one shouted, "I'm the baddest.   Watch this."  He turns his head to the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid, bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here!" The barmaid quickly brings over the pitcher of beer.  The cowboy chugs down the entire pitcher, lays his hand on the table, pulls his guns, and shoots off one of his fingers. Doesn't even flinch.  The barmaid jumps. The other two just shake their heads.  The second cowboy smacks the barmaid on the ass and says, "Honey, go get me a beer with a shot of tequila, and do it now!"  She scurries over to get the man's order.  When she returns, the second cowboy guzzles the beer, slams down the tequila, and puts his hand straight out in front of him.  He pulls his pistol and shoots off *two* of his fingers. He, too, doesn't even flinch.  The barmaid almost freaks out. The third just laughs, smacks the barmaid on the butt, and says, "Hon, just go get me a whole bottle of tequila and shuffle your pretty butt back here right quick."  Upon her return, he  opens the bottle and chugs the entire thing down. Then, he unzips his pants and slams his dick on the table. The barmaid screams, "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?!" "Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself."

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only real men drive taxis in Rome."

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly. "That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were." "Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"

A man in a trench coat walked into a supermarket. After walking around for several minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the cashier. He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trench coat and slapped his penis down next to the beans. The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it repeatedly down on the flasher's private parts.  He screamed and passed out from the pain. The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report the responding officer wrote, "he should have purchased a loaf of bread".