Letters

To: My Dearest Walterburg via Manservant Stewards.

Dearest Walterburg, why did you not tell me in person you had to leave so suddenly? It seems like only yesterday we met when I fell down the thirty-foot rocky embankment and scratched my arm. I am ever so grateful for your help that day for I am unsure I would have been able to walk home, though you did drop me quite a few times, exposing my delicates. But what became of you? It was only last week that we were talking of marriage in the garden of my grandmother’s country house. Oh, I know I am breaking many of the traditions of polite society with this letter, but I must know!

Tenderly Yours, Maryanne Gelderland

To: Miss Gelderland via Manservant Stewards

Miss Maryanne, I must apologize for any misunderstanding upon your person that I am responsible for. I consider it my error that you took my intentions as anything more than the proper behavior of a gentleman. When I carried you back to the house all I meant was to render aid to a lady in distress. And in regards to the “tender words” in the garden, I thought to only make pleasant conversation while you were recovering, though I admit the subjects of your measurements and your family’s financial standing do tend to make one suspect. Please forgive me for any affront on your person.

Sincerely, Victor Walterburg

PS: I’ve met quite a looker with 30,000 pounds to her name, care to up the ante?

To: Doctor Samsonite via Manservant Stewards

Dearest doctor, I am dying to know how my daughter is faring. Has her health made a turn for the worst after her dreadful feinting spell? Is this about that man she was supposed to have an understanding with? Well? Ask her! What do you suggest be done for my poor daughter? The town is abuzz with gossip about this and they demand new news!

Waiting Breathlessly, Mrs. Gelderland

To: Mrs. Gelderland via Manservant Stewards

Mrs. Gelderland, what have you been telling the whole of London!? According to my various souces, I am a greedy womonizer in addtition to a spendthrift. Also it is said I have impregnated half of the Gelderland family and in addition three other ladies in my travels. I tell you now that is entirely untrue, I have never met any other members of the Gelderland family except for your elderly mother, your sister, your sister’s husband’s sister, and your two daughters, and need I remind you the youngest is only ten. What affront have you made upon my impeccable character? And how did I ever deserve it?

Wrongfully Accused, Victor Walterburg

PS: I heard that your elderly mother has passed on, how does this effect Miss Gelderland’s financial situation?

To: Mrs. Gelderland via Manservant Stewards

Dearest mother, I do not believe I am long for this world. The fever, faintness, and loss of appetite have not abated since I took to my bed. I do wish you would arrive soon. I thank you for sending some of my effects to me with your last letter though I do believe that Steward’s back has gone out again. Of much more importance, I have heard Mr. Walterburg has married someone of great wealth, is this true? And what of these rumors I have heard about his exchanging letters with my sister, my sister’s husband’s sister, and my grandmamma? Oh, I cannot take much more of this, I feel feint. I do not know what is wrong with me, but no amount of the doctor’s remedies can cure me; only give me a tremendous hangover.

Your Daughter, Miss Gelderland

To: All whom it may concern via a messenger

All right you over-bred group of English buggers! I, your “faithful” manservant Stewards do hereby quit! But don’t worry, I won’t leave you all without a little parting gift. To Miss Gelderland I leave the suggestion that she undo the VICE she calls a corset and try to finish a walk every now and then. No more tripping yourself down embankments to drag some unsuspecting gentleman into your lair, Walterburg was the sixth one this year. To Mr. Walterburg I leave the knowledge that he has six separate French maladies and twelve liens on your estate from the new child support laws, enjoy the 30,000. To the chatty, nervous and doting Mrs. Gelderland, I leave orders for her to be shot for the good of England. And to the rest of English “high” society I leave this little note. I am not gone for good, no, not in the least. For now I have come into some money and control the carriages, horses, and post office. Now, it is up to ME if you blithering idiots get to visit each other in a pathetic attempt to alleviate boredom or send your whimsical pastoral poems to each other. Try LIVING it for real and THEN tell me how romantic it is to be hip deep in sheep piss! Adieu you lot of pasty saprophytes!

Bwahahaha, Stewards