A Religious Rant

I come to you today not as an American, but as a fellow human. For centuries the masses have allowed themselves to be fooled. I understood why we did what we did in the past, but we must now grow beyond the lies and see the truth. I feel it is my duty to tell you some news that may shock you to your very soul. The great truth I speak of is a simple one. There is no Ohio.

I understand this may come as a shock to you. I know it is hard to understand the greatness of this knowledge and it may pass over you as a sparrow flies over a fat, stupid, deaf, and blind dog. But, I must tell you again, there is no Ohio.

Ohio is a place that people created to make themselves feel like they fit in the world, but I believe we no longer need Ohio. People in the past felt lost, they felt like the world was coming to an end, so some started to talk of an incredible place where everything was normal and safe. They called this place Ohio.

I have traced the Ohio mythology back to the very beginnings of America. Before, people were unhappy, under dictators and living in horrible conditions. They sought a place where they could find refuge, and looked to America. The first colonists whispered of the possibility of a place where there was happiness and peace, but went no further.

Only after the American Revolution was Ohio created. History would like you to forget these facts, but I think you can handle it, gentle reader. The one who first preached of Ohio was a man named Walter Brooks. He would stand on top of a large cow in Lexington and shout out for all to hear of a magical place called Ohio. The masses took this idea to heart and the belief of Ohio began.

The idea of the existence of Ohio spread rapidly. The US government helped spread this belief so that public moral would increase. It is whispered that the president himself was unaware of this though and honestly and firmly believed that Ohio did exist. It is said the government went so far as to add a star to the flag, and thousands of names to the national census that “lived” in Ohio so that this belief would live on.

The “Ohio Faith” as my colleagues and I have charmingly named it, lived on for over a hundred years. But all good things must come to an end, even Ohio. I hope now you are over the shock of the non-existence of Ohio, and that we may go on. There is no Ohio, and we must all deal with that and move on with our lives.

As the philosopher Anne Marsh says, “Perhaps what Brooks meant was that Ohio existed inside of us.” I tend to think this may be true. Perhaps there is no Ohio in any form of existence but in our minds, and in our hearts. I find a part of me would like to think so.

The End