most of the stuff on here is going to be stuff that happened in my past...that still bothers me occasionally, but there's some recent stuff on here too...if you have advice on how to get over anything or if the same thing has happened to you and you just want to talk then my icq number is 8587446 or you can email me.

MY AUNT

i don't remember exactly how old i was, but i was around 11 or 12. i was upstairs and all of a sudden i heard my mom start screaming and crying. when i went downstairs she told me that my aunt was dead. at first i was just in shock, but then when i was finally able to actually comprehend things i found out that she overdosed on drugs and passed out...that might have killed her, but there was evidence of physical abuse...which we assumed was by her boyfriend/fiance/whatever...but nothing could be proven, and the doctors said the overdose probably would have killed her anyway. this led to the next depressing chapter in my life...

PILLS

after my aunt died i just decided that i would follow in her footsteps...i don't exactly know why...i don't think i'm supposed to know why, but i started popping pills...and still do...but not as much. back then i mostly took speed, but now i take whatever i can get...mostly large amounts of over-the-counter drugs...when i first started taking speed and i had all that extra energy i realized that i wasn't exactly as skinny as i wanted to be so...

ANOREXIA

when i was in 7th grade me and one of my closest friends at the time...i won't mention names...decided to lose weight...well we ended up going on an all water diet and it was like a contest to see who could last the longest without eating. well...i don't know who won, but i got down to weighing about 60lbs. my parents tried to force me to eat, and when they succeeded i puked everything back up. i still puke a lot...i never recovered that, but i'm healthy now, i think...i weigh like 85-90lbs now...that's not much...but i'm really short. i still sometimes look in the mirror and see myself being fat and i won't eat that whole day, but the next day i'm usually fine...i guess its just like flashbacks or something...during all my eating problems my parents decide to make things worse...

DIVORCE

yep...right in the midst of an eating disorder my parents decide to get divorced...now that's luck. i'm not going to get into the divorce...it was just jealousy and suspicion pretty much. i started out living with my mom, then we got into a really big fight so i moved in with my dad. my mom has free visitation, but i'm planning on moving back in with her. my dad is a prick and he tries to make me his own personal puppet. he wants me to be a preppy goody-goody and it just ain't gonna happen. he doesn't let me live my own life, and my mom does. anyway, i'm moving out soon probably...i won't be able to be online very often but it will be worth it...this all led me into 2 major stress relievers...

WEED

SEX

well, i started out all wrong...for one...i lost my virginity right after i turned 14 with my best friend's boyfriend...i had no feelings for him whatsoever except as a friend...he just talked me into it...then this guy like 5 years older than me totally took advantage of me along with a few other people...it finally got to the point where i didn't care...i mean really didn't care...

SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

i don't remember the first time i attempted suicide, and i don't remember all the times...but i know i did it, and i know i did it a lot...i have scars...physical and emotional. then someone came along who i thought would "save" me...

MY FIRST LOVE

you're probably thinking "awwwww....a first love...that's sweet" well you're wrong. i mean, it was really sweet at first, before i got brainwashed into mormonism and then forced to do things that the brainwashing made me believe was wrong. i dated him for 11 months...and i can't count how many times i was forced into things...he got violent too...when we got in arguments...i just used to curl up in a ball and cry...he's gone now...he was a senior when i was a freshman...we started talking...kinda...as friends my sophomore and junior year...he is a good friend...but nothing more...all of his lies after we broke up caused emotional pain and...

RUMORS

my sophomore year i became close friends with this guy...i thought i could totally trust him...i couldn't...i told him about guy number 1 losing his virginity to me and everything and guy number 2 told him...guy number 1 denied it and told my whole group of friends that i was a liar...so everyone hated me and i got called a lying bitch, a ho, a whore, a slut...etc....i had like one friend left in high school...i had friends in middle school, but only because they didn't know all the rumors...being close to people in middle school led to...

THE CHEATER

my junior year i started dating an 8th grader...he was supposed to be a sophomore then though. well, i thought he was amazing...it took me 8 months to realize it was all a lie...he cheated on me i don't know how many times or with how many people, but i know he did...its really not that big of a deal, i'm sure lots of people have been cheated on...i've cheated on a few people, but it hurts really bad...and i'm really sorry to all the people i did it to...which leads me to someone i would never ever cheat on and someone i know would never ever cheat on me...

ADAM

i said i wasn't going to use any names, but i'm allowed to use his name...i can't believe after all the stuff that's happened to me that i've actually managed to find someone who makes me happy and who i know for a fact truly cares about me, and not just about sex...he has taught me a lot about myself and about what other people think...he hasn't and he can't "fix" me, but he can make the process a lot easier...i can honestly say i think everything i feel for adam is true...not like guy number 1 and the cheater...adam's totally different. thanks babe...i love you. adam's not the only person who has helped me through my soap opera-ish life...i have a few really really great friends who i would be totally lost without...you know who you are...and my best friend...meredith...you've been with me through everything...i know this probably shouldn't have a happy ending, but it does...so live with it...its not really happy...all that stuff really did happen and its all still in my head...i just wish it could all just magically disappear

DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES

by KIX

whatcha doing out in the night time

why'd you call me on the phone

your mama can't solve your problem

when's daddy ever get home

so you think you're a little bit wild

in the middle of a suicide

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

don't sing your last lullaby

no one there to hold you

no one is your friend

you live life up and down now

nightmares on your brain

another lonely way of hanging round

don't you take it falling down no no

hold on hold on tight

i'll make everything all right

wake up don't go to sleep

i'll pray the lord

your soul to keep

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

don't sing your last lullaby