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THE JMV MARK 1 CAR ACCESSORY PACKAGE
THE JMV MARK 1 CAR ACCESSORY PACKAGE
FOOD PROCURMENT TRACKING SYSTEM Ever hungry for pizza? Longing for some tacos? Always guessing about the waiting time? Tired of having MacDonald's asking you to pull over to the curb to wait?
In your first week of having your new car, the FPTS will initialize itself by doing the following…for each food procurement location of your choosing, the FPTS will launch a mini satellite and will assign itself to that location. Based on the type of location you assign to the FPTS tracking satellites will analyze as such:Pizza Delivery Places: By taping into their phone lines and computers systems, the FPTS will determine which major pizza delivery place has the best wait time…if the wait time is beyond an hour and a half…the FTPS will classify the wait time as `tomorrow'.
Minor Delivery Places: Same procedure as Major chains. If the smaller delivery chains also fall under the tomorrow category then the FTPS will then begin to analyze all major food store market chains…
Food Stores: The user will receive a real time Infrared representation of the store parking lot and checkout lines…by monitoring activity the FTPS will then display the estimated wait times in the checkout lines…unless it's early morning on the weekend, Wal-Mart is automatically disqualified as an acceptable food procurement location, unless you have a weeks vacation time to allocate to the wait that you will undoubtedly experience.
Resturants: Same as Food Stores…if the line of people waiting for food extends beyond the current zip code, such as Outback Steakhouse lines or the wait for the food inside takes 24 hours, such as TGI Fridays, the location is automatically labeled as a possible starvation risk.
Extra Added Accessory (No Cost For This UNTIL December) The Gas procurement monitoring system - one monitoring unit, equal in sophistication to the government Keyhole intelligence satellite, will constantly monitor all gas station prices in your local area and alert you when one particular location or chain has a significant price decrease. Note: Significant price decrease is defined as an amount that will allow you to not have to allocate one half of your paychecks to transportation expenses.
PART II TRAFFIC JAM AVOIDANCE SYSTEMS
VTOL Avoidance systemMuch like a Harrier jet, anytime you run into one of those annoying traffic jams, this handy dandy system has four jet engine nozzles on your car…they will lift your car up into the air…give you adequate time to stick your tounge out at anyone, should you desire to do this and then at an altitude of your choosing you will level off and then proceed in a horizontal flight pattern to your destination. Note: please avoid restricted military airspace…unless your cloaking device is activated. Sidewinder missiles are hell on paint jobs.
Phase Cloaking Avoidance SystemWhenever it is not practical to use the VTOL system…this wonderful device, origins classified, allows you to become invisible by bending the light around your vehicle and also slightly out of phase with normal matter of this dimension, the upshot of that is the ability to pass through all normal matter. It is recommended that you activate your invisibility cloak first as to not startle local authorities.
PART III Appointment Lateness Avoidance System
Some people are punctually challenged individuals, this system will allow them to never be late again without having to change their behavior!
Researched and developed with the expert in the area of temporal voyages, Keen Labs, the third part of the VERLIN MARK ONE ACCESSORY package is the Chronoton Regulator. This ingenious device, will allow the driver to instantly transfer themselves to anytime they desire in the past. The practical application of this is, you will never be late again! Anytime you arrive late at a destination, you simply set the temporal coordinates into the machine that correspond to the time that you were supposed to arrive there or even earlier if you want to. Please note: There is a device on the Chronoton Regulator that will prevent you from meeting your past self…so you won't have to worry about those pesky temporal paradoxes. However, if you decide to install the Chronoton Regulator in your vehicle you will need to sign a waiver in case you do erase yourself from history…to release us from any ramifications that such an event may produce. Granted, if you do erase yourself from history you will have never existed and indeed have never signed the release form in the first place. Granted that makes the whole point moot, however our legal department insists on a signed release, in case you do erase yourself from existence and one of your alternate versions of yourself from another quantum reality crosses over, somehow discovers what happened and winds up suing our company.
Well, as a super bonus, if you act NOW…we'll throw in the brand new CD of anthems for single guys featuring such smash hits AS… `Some Have All The Luck' by Rod Stewart, `Only The Lonely' by the late Roy Orbision AND `Another Saturday Night' by Jimmy Buffett…single people…I know your pain…after all, that explains how I had the time to come up with all of this!