If I Could Redesign The Way The World Worked…

Lawnmowers would be silent and not make any noise, which would in turn wake up anyone sleeping who works nightshift.

The two lane congested street in front of my apartment would be extended to 52 lanes. Also, a private police patrol car and an officer would halt traffic for me when I ever exited my apartment complex. If I was needing to get anywhere fast, I would have a full police escort to help clear the way, along with a police helicopter to spot traffic jams or accidents.

My car would also have a mini time machine, so I could travel back in time so I would never be late.

I would not need to have a job. Every month a million tax free dollars would be deposited into my bank account. I'm not greedy, I could live on a million a month.

I would have a weather control machine so I could determine when it would rain and for how long. The temperature would always be a comfortable seventy-five degrees.

The women whom I happened to like would automatically like me back. The ball would then be in my court to determine if we were compatible.

Self-cleaning laundry would be a reality. No more need for washing and drying, after you were done with a piece of clothing, you would merely set it aside for a day and 24 hours later it would be perfectly clean. Also, socks would not disappear in the dryer. And ALL SOCKS WOULD MATCH!

Ditto with houses or apartments, they would be self-cleaning. You would tell the house computer when you would be gone for an extended period of time and BANG…when you got back, spic and totally span!

One set of batteries would be all you needed for portable devices, they would never run out of energy.

All of the evil food in life, such as ice cream and cheeseticks and things of that nature would have all the taste without any of the calories or other things that are bad for your body.

There would be absolutely no mean or stupid people in the world, granted the world's population might be smaller but it would be a nice place to live and there would be no need for lawyers.

My phone would instantly intercept a telemarketers call and inform him or her that there was no interest in whatever it is that they were selling and their number would be placed on eternal call block. Door to door salespeople would be met by my private armsmen and asked to leave - quickly.

So would the mail and UPS. No more standing at the window, salivating like a dog wondering WHEN, oh WHEN will that package arrive?

Traveling Joel style would be via private jet - it leaves according to MY schedule.

NO waiting for check in, NO lines anywhere and it's prime rib with china as the meal flight.

If you locked yourself out of your car or house, you could still use your thumbprint to get back in.

Your apartment would have a total silence option drowning out all of those annoying sounds like neighbors stereos, sirens and construction noises. Lawnmowers wouldn't be counted since they are already silent.

No matter where you went, there would always be an extra parking place, close to the building.

I would sing on key…remember King rules one and two 1) The King is always right and 2) When the King is wrong, refer to rule #1. As King I would also have the copyright of this clever statement revert to me and for that matter any other clever statement or quote that I see fit to use.

Any and all road construction that might inconvenience His Majesty, yours truly, must be cleared through me.

Computers would be more honest, instead of all those fancy errors that make no sense, the computer would just pop up with, `this program is screwed.'

No store would ever be allowed to be out of an item that I want ever again.

Tailgaters SHALL be henceforth - beheaded. Same goes to those to drive while drunk and get into an accident. Any lawyer, if there are any left after all the mean and stupid people are banished, that takes a DUI case shall also be beheaded.

People who demonstrate improper cell phone manners would lose cell phone privileges. If they get another cell phone and still act like a prized jerk they will be - beheaded.


	WELCOME TO JOELVERLIN.COM! \| home If I Could Redesign The Way The World Worked… If I Could Redesign The Way The World Worked… By Joel Verlin Lawnmowers would be silent and not make any noise, which would in turn wake up anyone sleeping who works nightshift. The two lane congested street in front of my apartment would be extended to 52 lanes. Also, a private police patrol car and an officer would halt traffic for me when I ever exited my apartment complex. If I was needing to get anywhere fast, I would have a full police escort to help clear the way, along with a police helicopter to spot traffic jams or accidents. My car would also have a mini time machine, so I could travel back in time so I would never be late. Life WOULD have a soundtrack. I would not need to have a job. Every month a million tax free dollars would be deposited into my bank account. I'm not greedy, I could live on a million a month. I would have a weather control machine so I could determine when it would rain and for how long. The temperature would always be a comfortable seventy-five degrees. The women whom I happened to like would automatically like me back. The ball would then be in my court to determine if we were compatible. Self-cleaning laundry would be a reality. No more need for washing and drying, after you were done with a piece of clothing, you would merely set it aside for a day and 24 hours later it would be perfectly clean. Also, socks would not disappear in the dryer. And ALL SOCKS WOULD MATCH! Ditto with houses or apartments, they would be self-cleaning. You would tell the house computer when you would be gone for an extended period of time and BANG…when you got back, spic and totally span! One set of batteries would be all you needed for portable devices, they would never run out of energy. All of the evil food in life, such as ice cream and cheeseticks and things of that nature would have all the taste without any of the calories or other things that are bad for your body. There would be absolutely no mean or stupid people in the world, granted the world's population might be smaller but it would be a nice place to live and there would be no need for lawyers. My phone would instantly intercept a telemarketers call and inform him or her that there was no interest in whatever it is that they were selling and their number would be placed on eternal call block. Door to door salespeople would be met by my private armsmen and asked to leave - quickly. Pizza delivery would be completed within seconds. So would the mail and UPS. No more standing at the window, salivating like a dog wondering WHEN, oh WHEN will that package arrive? Traveling Joel style would be via private jet - it leaves according to MY schedule. NO waiting for check in, NO lines anywhere and it's prime rib with china as the meal flight. No bathroom would EVER be out of order and toilets would never stop up. You would never run out of hot water. Your air-conditioner would NEVER break down. If you locked yourself out of your car or house, you could still use your thumbprint to get back in. Your apartment would have a total silence option drowning out all of those annoying sounds like neighbors stereos, sirens and construction noises. Lawnmowers wouldn't be counted since they are already silent. No matter where you went, there would always be an extra parking place, close to the building. It would be against the law to be `snobby'. Every building would have a `secret elevator' reserved JUST for me. I get to choose the songs the on the one radio station on the planet. I would sing on key…remember King rules one and two 1) The King is always right and 2) When the King is wrong, refer to rule #1. As King I would also have the copyright of this clever statement revert to me and for that matter any other clever statement or quote that I see fit to use. Never mind saluting. You must BOW when you see your new King. Any and all road construction that might inconvenience His Majesty, yours truly, must be cleared through me. Computers would be more honest, instead of all those fancy errors that make no sense, the computer would just pop up with, `this program is screwed.' No store would ever be allowed to be out of an item that I want ever again. Tailgaters SHALL be henceforth - beheaded. Same goes to those to drive while drunk and get into an accident. Any lawyer, if there are any left after all the mean and stupid people are banished, that takes a DUI case shall also be beheaded. The King is exempt from ALL speeding laws. People who demonstrate improper cell phone manners would lose cell phone privileges. If they get another cell phone and still act like a prized jerk they will be - beheaded. The acronym STAT would be erased from existence. People who do not say `please' and `thank you' will be - beheaded. RETURN TO JOEL'S FUNNY BITS!