Brickbats: Terse observations and other mild forms of humor. And questions that I don't
think have ever been answered. Reader beware these might keep you up at night. There are
things that don't really qualify but I liked them. This list is quite extensive but if you
have anything you feel should be here let me know. :-)
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.
If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?
I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage?
Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up.
Once, at school, I received a dressing down for not dressing up.
"No comment" is a comment.
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
What is the plural of "a hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?
Why do we say "redheaded" but "brownhaired"?
Environmentalists changed the word "jungle" to "rain forest," because
no one would give them money to save a jungle.
Same with swamps and wetlands.
I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.
I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like
there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the
"mid" part?
How can "crash course" and "collision course" have two different
meanings?
Why does ReaLemon juice contain artificial flavoring but dishwashing detergent contains
real juice?
Why is there no word that rhymes with poetry?
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Can a person be chalant?
Can weather be clement?
And are children ever ruly?
I went to a strip mall the other day with my friend. Let me tell you, I was disappointed.
Everybody else had on clothes.
Somewhere in my office, in the vicinity of my desk, there exists a black hole into which
all my pens disappear.
A woman was scooping up an armload of toaster pastries just as I was contemplating their
ingredients. I said to her, "These things could kill you." She said, "Well,
they're just for the kids."
The penalty for bigamy is two wives.
The worse penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws!
Baseball Rules Section 3.12.5 -- The strike zone shall consist of an area from the kneecap
to the midpoint between the waist and shoulders vertically and shall be as wide as the
home-plate umpire's hind quarters.
Since three quarters of the world's surface is covered with water and only one quarter is
covered by land, it's obvious that mankind was meant to spend three times as much time
fishing as they do mowing the lawn.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God
created women. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench
has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw
a gun at him?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
War doesn’t determine who is right, just who is left.
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Sooner or later, doesn’t everyone stop smoking?
Isn’t Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She told
me that would defeat the purpose.
Do married people live longer than singles? Or does it just seem that way.
Is a boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
Should you trust a stockbroker that is married to a travel agent.
Is the reason Santa is so jolly because he know where all the bad girls live?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garment in a suit case?
Why do we wait until the pig is dead to cure it?
Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of it?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
Do infant have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar. But when a jar is open it isn’t adoor?
When I erase a word, where does it go?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it the Department Of The Interior when they are in charge of everything
outdoors?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?
When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? I sounds like a near
hit to me!
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun
of it?
What would a chair look like if our knees bent the other way?
If you got in a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the driver end up
owing you money?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is
it expanding into?
Does the reverse side have a reverse side?
Why do you have a pair of panties but only one bra?
Why do banks charge a fee when you have a non-sufficient transaction?
The light went out, but where to?
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date on it?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist and a surprised expression when you ask
them what time is it?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "S" in it?
Why do they call them buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn’t they call
them builts?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
If it is zero outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold
is it going to be?
Since light travels faster than sound, is this why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak?
Why doesn’t the word poetry have any word that rhymes with it?
If "con " is the opposite of "pro" then what is the opposite of
progress?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"…till you can find a rock.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they
wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a
hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a
Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you
transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting
there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I was an only child, eventually.
I lost a button hole.
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went
insane and wouldn't move at all.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a pain to fold
it.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them
in the same room and let them fight it out.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift
it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would
flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She
said, "Cut it out."
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per
hour?'. So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in
all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I
said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody
else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran
out.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me,
and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
' Extra medium.'
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a
bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to
go so fast.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and
I'll call when I'm out."
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the
whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10
miles away?
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good
either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,
"Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get
his pants off!
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.
I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging
deadlines.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You are here: X
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
