The Twelfth Chapter of the Sacred Order of the Gauron
This religion, and I use the term loosely, was invented by myself in the
produce department at Pak n' Save. I just got so darn tired of all the religions
fighting each other, and the Abortion bombings, and don't eat meat because they're
reincarnated relatives, etc. So I decided to go my own way. I did a little
research, "borrowed" a few ideas from some of the more major religions,
and in the end had a little something I like to call the Gauron.
If you want to join, you've obviously missed the point. This is MY religion, MY
beliefs. You can agree or disagree, but for bootin' up cold, go get your own!
MY STANCE:
Abortion: Do whatever. Just think before you do it. And stop blowing people up,
you're setting a bad example.
Afterlife: When our corpeals cease to function, our souls are freed to go where they
will. Some choose to stay on the mortal realm (see Ghosts, Angels), others submit
to the gravity of "Heaven" and join the collective of spirits that make up
God.
Angels: Souls of the dead returned from Heaven for some purpose or another. Usually
in non-corporeal form (no body), although they sometimes will Possess a willing
host.
Bloodsuckers (Lawyers): I keep a stake in my glove box just in case. I'm not
saying I believe in 'em or I don't, I just err on the side of caution.
Bloodsuckers (Vampires): Some of 'em are kinda cute. Sometimes though, they just
turn out to be strung out goths, which is when I go for the glove box.
Buddhism: Buddah was cool.
Catholocism/Christianity/Judaism/Baptists/Protestants: Considering you guys all
believe in the same god, I'd have thought think you could get over yourselves by
now.
Cults: Some guy once said "Any religion that I don't like is a cult".
Since I don't like any religion that tries to tell me what to do, under this
definition every religion would be a cult. As a result, I just go by degrees: if
people are hurt by a religion, it's a cult. Erego, 12th Century Christianity was
a cult. Think about it, you got a better explanation of the crusades?
Demonic Possesion: One of the many hazards of an out-of-body experience. If your
demon is strong enough, it can use your momentary lapse of strength to take control.
Conversely, a stronger soul can take over, and they're not all polite.
Demons: We all have our own inner demons, it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you
deny them, they get stronger. If you accept them, you can control them.
Ghosts: Souls that were to stupborn to go to Heaven. Usually have some unfinished
business on the mortal realm.
God: A collective entity of souls, working together for the common goals.
Heaven: A non-corporeal plane of existance formed by a communion of souls. The
"gravity" of the souls pulls new ones to join them, and working together
they make up what we think of as God.
Hell: Hell is a state of mind. Since only in corporeal form can we change ourselves,
if we live our lives doing things we regret, we will regret it for ever after.
Hentai: See Pornography, below.
Hippies: There are 2 kinda hippies: those that want to effect change, and those that
want to smoke pot. I'll effect change, but if you wanna be a stoner don't sully the
name.
Homosexuals/Minorities/the Poor: Ever hear of 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon? That means
that scary guy who lives down the street is at most 12 degrees
removed (well, 9, I got it down to 3 degrees on my side....) And I can't beat the
face in of somebody that close! Maybe, ya know, if they were Martians, but they'd
probably be 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon too...=D
Insanity: The Soul is the only thing that keeps people from acting entirely on
animal instinct. Since it is bound to the brain, if the brain takes damage
(physical/chemical trauma), or the soul can't handle things, the bond weakens. This
leads to predictably unpredictable results. My advice: take good care of your
brain!
Jehovah's Witnesses/Mormons/Watchtower: They have funny pamphlets. I got this one
that said Rock and Roll is the tool of Satan. I keep a stand by the door, and every
time one group comes by, I give them the other group's pamphlete and ask if they've
been saved.
Pornography: Heck, I'm all for it! I mean, there ARE limits: I happen to think the age
limit of 18 around here is just about right. Too much less than that and you're still a kid,
no matter how mature you've become. And as much as I'd hate to see my sister or
some such in a glossy magazine, she's an adult. If it's her decision, so be it.
Rock and Roll: Geez, lighten up!
Sin: We all have hormones. We all make mistakes. We are human. It is our nature.
As such, the only SIN is to refuse to adapt, to correct your mistakes.
Technology: Think hard about this one, you're reading a webpage. Do you really
expect for me to say Technology is evil? Besides, without computers I wouldn't
have much of a job!
Vegans: Like Hippies, but less creative.
Vegetarians: Some of em are cute! Beyond that, it depends entirely on my mood. I've
noticed every time my pa fires up the barbecue, though, I suddenly decide to go
vegetarian again....
War: Don't go much in for war. I'll fight, I'm violent and all that. There just
isn't much worth dying for, and I sure as hell ain't gonna die because some fat guy
in the white house tells me to.
I'll add more when I remember more. If you can think of anything, MAIL ME
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