Chris Cassidy, our Crack Kicks Ass operative on assignment deep in the sweat of Barcelona, responds to our Crack Slogan,"Cyberspace is not a place!" and ponders in 30 steps on the Spanish Unknown:

"Cyberspace is not a place, it's a pace. I can tell you that it is a pace. I change the colors of screen so that everything looks like a fruit yogurt. I can remember which style it is but it should be fruity yogurt. We are ending what has been a long pointless trip in the spanish unknown. it's time to recap and see what we have learned.

Recap from the pointless trip into the Spanish Unknown.

1. It's the Spanish Unknown because no one has bothered to find out what is there.
2. Soon someone with no clue what the Spanish Unknown is, will comment on the subject at great lenght, with a loud booming voice of authority.
3. Spell is not improved in the Spanish Unknown.
4. nor is grammers.
5. una caña can always be ordered instead of un café con leche in the normal breakfast.
6. Black tabacco is not only for cigars nor men.
7. prostitution is a 'extremely normal' part of the Spanish Unknown.
8. The sex of the prostitute is always subjective, and often subjunctive. El sea mujer.
9. Drink the water, swim in the sea, eat the fish, this health business was invented by some quack doctor in Madrid.
10. If you can walk into the bar and order a beer, this is not the right bar.
11. no. it's two o'clock, it's closed.
12. no. it's 5.30, it's still closed. I know what the sign says but it's still closed.
13. we know you are working here illegally and all but:

a. we had to take out taxes, it's the law.
b. you have not been in the country for 3 weeks, we got pay checks mounting up here!
c. we need you to sign for this check, that is made out to "whomever has it"
d. can we make a copy of your passport, it's just one of these legal things, you know.
f. the damn immigants.

14. the catalan government as organized a chart for all forigner explaining who needs to learn catalan and who doesn't. All of Latin america is present. EU and community memembers and Americans don't need to stress themsleves.
15. What is the seventh language of the EU. That's right.
16. What noise? Wait. I can hear you.
17. listen I know I 'said' you could live in this apartment, but what I meant was you can, if I don't find a friend, who wants to live here. gez that bag looks heavy, and it's a long walk to the metro, pues nada adios.
18. APARTMENT FOR RENT. 3 interior rooms. 2x2x1 m. each. WC in 1st FLR bar. half ktcn, no water. 10min to metro 1000?+6m deposit+numerous hinden fees.
19. Why is Thursday a holiday? -Don't ask that question again. We just won't be here, ok? Nor will we be here Friday because of how-do-you-say? puente?.
20. Two great true stories

a. Nice bike, when did you get it? -thanks. Yesterday, yeah someone left it locked up next to the University.
b. I called your cell phone yesterday and they said your weren't there and asked if they could take a message. - yeah someone stole my phone. I'm thinking about calling them and giving
them the new number.

NOTE the same people are talking in both stories.

21. In the Spanish Unknown, things are aways Moving at the Speed of Spain.
22. workmen show up at 7.30, they smoke a big how-do-you-say? purro? they shout for a half hour, then start up the jackhammer, bust up all the concrete the laid yesterday, and at 10 they go to breakfast until 1.
23. there is a law that says building waste should be slowly hammered into small bits.
24. someone is smoking a how-do-you-say? purro? in the computer lab, right now. yes, it IS sweaty hot and smelly in here.
25. Andrewmiles

Dear Chris,
I'm writing an article for the Barcelona Business paper on people who changed careers (temporarily or for good) to take up in-company teaching and remembered that you were involved in other type of work before. Therefore, I would like to hear your opinion on the subject. Would you mind answering a few questions I can quote when I write the article? If you want to, of course!

1. What did you do for a living before you started teaching?
2. What pushed you to leave that job and try out teaching?
3. How did teaching live up to your expectations?
4. What would you say are the pros and cons of in-company teaching for you?
5. Why are leaving teaching (I know the answer to that one, but would rather
hear it from you!)

This article should run in the July issue of the paper and I plan to finish it by early June. There should be room enough for illustrations, so if you have a picture of yourself in electronic format and would like the paper to consider publishing it, please also send it in.

Thanks for you help (and no offence if you'd rather not answer!).

Andrew D. Miles

26. -29. omit for no reason.
30. To prove I will slam the door to the computer lab when I leave.

listen it's been over ten minutes since I have had a break, I'm going.

Chris"

The new Diashow of the week is up! We went all out this time and used Flash! Enjoy. (link)

Today I offer you a Link Poem kinda related to Fish:

Friends of Fish eat toothypoo sushi.

*Expand! The Crack Kicks Ass Foundation is growing too fast, and we need to hire some help. If you're interested in being a project volunteer, great--you're hired. But if you expect to get paid, please send us your resumé and a photograph. No nude self-portraits, please. And for those of you who might be interested, here is a brief description of our decision making process.

***Here are a few excerpts taken from the resumés we've already received:

George W. Bush Resume

"Past work experience:

* Ran for congress and lost.
* Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
* Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

Accomplishments as president:

* Attacked and took over two countries.
* Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
* Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history." (more)

Excerpt from a letter from Joe F.:

"Why do I want to work at the Crack Kicks Ass Foundation? Two words: naked women. At my old job, I had a file for Playboy magazines. When people saw me reading one, I’d say I was checking it out to see if we should advertise our new project in a future issue. No one ever believed me. This went on day after day, until I was finally made to feel like the company pervert. Thank goodness for the Internet. I was able to download all the naked women my company’s hard drive could handle. Then I got laid off…literally! And that's why I want to work for you!"

Send us your resumé today!

We here at the Crack Kicks Ass Foundation are in shock and awe. Here's part of Kurt Vonnegut's Lecture presented in April at the Mark Twain house in Hartford, Connecticut: (link)

"I note that construction has stopped of a Mark Twain Museum here in Hartford —behind the carriage house of the Mark Twain House at 351 Farmington Avenue.

Work persons have been sent home from that site because American “conservatives,” as they call themselves, on Wall Street and at the head of so many of our corporations, have stolen a major fraction of our private savings, have ruined investors and employees by means of fraud and outright piracy.

Shock and awe.

And now, having installed themselves as our federal government, or taken control of it from outside, they have squandered our public treasury and then some. They have created a public debt of such appalling magnitude that our descendants, for whom we had such high hopes, will come into this world as poor as church mice.

Shock and awe.

What are the conservatives doing with all the money and power that used to belong to all of us? They are telling us to be absolutely terrified, and to run around in circles like chickens with their heads cut off. But they will save us. They are making us take off our shoes at airports. Can anybody here think of a more hilarious practical joke than that one?

Smile, America. You’re on Candid Camera."

(link)

I have begun work on a panorama of the garden. At the moment I only have one row, but I have no idea when I'll get the rest done so I decided to go ahead and post the half-finished pano. Enjoy the new panorama page, CRackis. Soon I'll start to work on some panos of the city! (link)

 ***JSW Leute!*** Unser Film, Der Mensch, sein Schicksal, ist endlich da und auch Fotos von Jose und eine Fotoserie von uns im Park! (link)

 The new Diashow of the week is up! (link)

Oh, I just stumbled upon a great site this morning with interactive 3D panoramas! I think we need a 3D panorama of this crack apartment we live in.

"My intention with this VR Panorama Link site is to make immersive panoramic images more known among the general public. Interactive panoramas is a young media and as such it has for many years been known among entusiastic photographers and multimedia creators. An interactive VR panorama can not be seen in a book or on a printed image. If you print the panorama it gets a completely different expression. " (link)

"Cracki and me, it is now very late in the night. Cracki and me, we are just sitting here. Nothing. What is the end? How can we find a solution? What for? Is this all that we can say?" -Omed (link)

Crackall. The new listserv. Send an email to majordomo with the text "subscribe crackall" and you're in. Members of the Crackall mailing list get access to all password protected member features of the crack website.

We've been working hard here at The Crack Kicks Ass Foundation, and after a few glasses of tea in the garden (after all the hard work, of course) we've decided to finally show you the fruits of our spring labor! The blooms and blossoms, my pollen allergies, and the new mysterious friendliness of our neighbors have inspired us to newly redesign the website. It's not completely finished yet so watch out for dead links! Special thanks to Bigbob for all his help!

I cannot be stopped. I have now added an automated sign-up form for Crackmail! It is my first hand-written piece of PHPie, so email me if you notice any problems. (link)

***NEW UPDATES***
The Crack Forum is OPEN! Sign up today-- and let's get flamin'!

JSW II was a shining success with over 20 people! Thanks, Nick and Sylvie! You guys did a wonderful job! (more information)

We have new, important information on the war against computers. All humans visiting the site should follow these links (the iragi front seems quiet in comparison): (link 1) (link 2)

The Crackmail! team is pleased to announce that Crackmail! now has a new look and new functionality. Thanks to the people at Squirrelmail the crack-attackers are now even better armed. There are tons of new features, so try it out today! And for those of you more loathe to accept change, here's a link to the old server which we're still gonna keep around.

And among other things, the official Afghan-American Cultural Learning Center homepage is now available for you curious passers-by.

With the addition of the family portrait and the Crack F.A.Q., the Crack Kicks Ass web site has taken yet another step towards becoming a crack community, a warm place--unlike my room with the broken radiator--a place guided by principle and full of dreams, a place with answers (for answers see the F.A.Q.), a home for the sleepless and the bored.

***OMED SIGHTING***
Also, an unconfirmed source has confirmed for us that Omed is back in Germany. He was last seen with his father at the police station in Bonn. This sighting has not been confirmed. Better get your SARS safety kits out, because there's no telling what he brought back for YOU!