BIZZARE EXPERIENCES IN ABERYSTWYTH
The Abode of the Gwilym
I currently dwell in the rather quaint village Llanbadarn Fawr, or the great church of Padarn, to give a fairly rough translation, just outside Aberystwyth, which is the county of Cerdigion, the old county of Dyfed and the even older county of Cardigianshire. (Llanbadarn Fawr was founded by saint Padarn, who may have come from Brittany in the 6th century. He made the earth swallow King Arthur who was pestering him, but let him out afterwards. After various miraculous events he set up a large church and college here. In fact originally Aberystwyth was in the parish of Llanbadarn, a mere satellite of the original site. Some authorities believe Padarn didn’t come from Brittany but from an area of SE Wales, somewhere in Gwent, known as Llydaw, which name later got transferred to Brittany, but enough of the history. ) The house is only 5 minitues from the main Penglais University campus and about 10 mins from the Llanbadarn library campus where all my lectures are held. This involves going up a hill, Primrose Hill, which is interesting, as most of the time in Swansea I was travelling along flat areas.
Curiouser And Curiouser
The very first night I lived in Aber I went to a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. From a distance a strange drumming filled the air. The natives were restless? No, it was drumming going at a party at which most people clearly lacked hats. (I was an obvious exception). No only were there few hats but there was no tea. no dormouse, nor even an insane super-villain with a hypnotic ray in his hat. Clearly the whole thing was a farrago of lies. On the plus side there was Ice-cream and cake. There was also a person wanting to be chained up. Unfortunately it was a man, with a silly hat with some pretensions to being an escapiologist who desperately tried to generate audience excitement from a group of first years. Difficult! Anyway from there I went on to the union to discover that something horrific had occurred.
The Student Union was no longer part of the light of the late 20th century, instead it had plunged backwards into a land of shadow more than two thousand years ago as a strange furor seized all who entered there. Grasping sheets they clad themselves in the Toga Civatas of Ancient Rome and what was worse they were participating in none other than the dread rites of Bacchus, worshipped in ceremonies so terrible the Senate banned them in 145 BC. With terrible shrieks of Ahioeo, Ahieoe, the celebrants danced insanely to the rhythm of strange pulsating music. I was the only one there who realised the full import of what was occurring, through the drinking of the juices of fermented grains and fruits, ordinary men and women had become possessed by the ancient Pagan worshippers of a long Dead god. If they continued in this manner Bacchus himself would wake and rise from his long sleep in Thessaly to dissolve civilisation in unspeakable revelry to unnameable gods. Even I, a man of respectable station and solemn dignity, felt myself slowly drawn into the gyrating dancing in the midst of the hall by the Siren song of the twice born god. Yet clearly I was marked out as an outsider, long stares and half whispers confirmed that they knew, knew that I alone still retained my reason in the midst of madness.
Would my fate mimic that of Orpheus torn apart by frenzied Maenads? My only refuge lay in flight and within in moments my dark clad figure flitted amongst the white toga clad denizens of the hall as I dived towards the exit. A baying noise like the howl of bloodhounds echoed in my ears as I reached the door to safety. Clearly only the fact that as a Librarian I lay under the protecting aegis of Owl-eyed Athene, ensured that I had not fallen prey to certain death. The next day the Union had returned to normal, but who could say when the mad god would return to claim those who he had marked as his own? Clearly all of Penglais campus was doomed!
Remember, Remember
The Fifth of November
Gunpowder, Treason and Plot
I see no reason why Gunpowder treason
Should ever be Forgot!!!
Friend,
Your name has been given to me as one loyal to the Old Religion. I Guido Fawkes, invite all loyal English people to join me in a glorious plot, to restore truth, freedom and the Catholic religion.
We must gather secretly at the ninth hour of November the Fifth, on the south beach nearst the harbour, where we will strike a blow gainst King and Parliament which will make our name ring through history.
Bring as many trusty comrades as you might find, for there may be hot work with rapier and pike before our cause triumphs.
By the grace of God and the Holy Virgin
I remain Guido Fawkes.
THE PLACE - Aberystwyth,
THE TIME - Gunpowder Treason Day to some Bonfire Night to others, 1998.
THE OCCASION - the return of Guy Fawkes from the dead, suitably attired, back for REVENGE and this time no mistakes!
The PLOT - A&C Architectural and Building Contractors Ltd. (now branching into ship building) built a large model of the Houses of Parliament complete with architectural detail in a record breaking two weeks. Your humble author was Guido Fawkes and together with my fellow plotters put the model on top of a huge pile of wood on Aberwstywth beach quite near the harbour in the centre of town, after it had been transported there by van.
This process was made more complex by the fact there was a howling gale making all rather dramatic, my hat kept threatening to blow off, and my cloak was all over the place.THE DENOUNCEMENT - A crowd of onlookers gathered. I delivered a dramatic speech denouncing the iniquitous rule of King and Parliament and announced my desire to change the course of history and to restore true and most glorious Catholic religion. Then we set fire to the building, which was soon ablaze. Obviously no event on this scale would be complete without GUNPOWDER, so fireworks and sparklers had been incorporated into the design of the building. As the fire took hold they ignited producing an amazing incendiary spectacle especially when Big Ben went up in a shriek of rockets. MORE GUNPOWDER WAS THE GENERAL CRY!!! The entire thing turned into a blazing inferno - the heretical government of the country were consumed and went straight to the pits of everlasting perdition!!!
DISCOVERIES IN THE SEVEN HILLED GRAVEYARD CITY OF SWANSEA
There is a huge glass pyramid in midtown Swansea just next to the UCI - that pyramid has a name and the name is Plantasia. It was the scene for a particularly entertaining excursion involving none other than the Gwilym of Black Pill. Plantasia promised a display of space plants, from the large advertising hordings outside. I obviously was hoping for some kind of space fungi, of the type which infests people and drives them extensively insane or some space spores, which float through the endless abyss of the intstellar void to land on innocent planets to create pod people. To my disappointment the display turned out to be plants grown aboard space-stations to investigate the effect that zero-gravity has on plant life. There was no sign that the experiments had gone terribly wrong creating a man-eating triffids or other hideous mutated creatures, unfortunately.
The next exhibits proved more entertaining - insects, spiders, scorpions, lizards and snakes. The snakes of course refused to move being snakes, instead they sat on rocks and stared, but they did flick their tongues out occassionaly. The scorpion did wave its tail convincingly, but was not as amusing as the leaf cutting ants, which of course cut leaves. It is more thrilling than it sounds. There was even a tank of pirahanas, unorthodoxly they had mounted it on a stand rather than in it's usual location on the floor so you could drop your enemies inside, while engaging in maniacal laughter.
The actual plant room was marvelous!! It had gallons of plants, thousands of tropical blooms and trees, bamboo, bananas, orchids, guava, sugar cane, Spanish moss (this is a great plant with white tendrils which hangs off other plants). There was also Bronzo. Bronzo is a bronze gorilla, which sits near the tropical waterfall. Originally he was a Victorian clockwork automaton created by an eccentric Swansea Coppermaster to guard his house. Sadly Bronzo turned against his creator and went on a rampage which ended in him scaling the clocktower of the Swansea Guild Hall clutching a screaming girl from Sketty in his bronze biceps. The local RAF squadron were called out and engaged Bronzo in a running dogfight which ended with Bronzo falling to his doom after his clockwork ran out. When Plantasia was created it was decided he would be a useful exhibit. (The tragic story of Bronzo, suitably elaborated, later served as a model for an American motion picture of some note.)
Besides Bronzo a tour round Plantasia is always enlivened by engaging in conversation with Objodi Kiwaru, the Japanese Second World War veteran who has made Planasia his home. When Objodi, a tourist from Osaka, was enthusiastically filming the goldfish in the central pool with his camcorder he slipped and fell receiving a nasty blow to the head. This unfortunately had the effect of making him relieve the trauma of his wartime battles in the fetid jungles of SE Asia. Visitors to Plantasia now must endure his demands that they construct bridges over the central pond in order to speed up the march of the forces of the Rising Sun or else feel the sharp end of a katana. Luckily Objodi can be easily calmed by simply pointing out the location of the tea plants which distracts him into a complex Zen meditation on the creation of a perfect cup of tea. Plantasia also has a butterfly house, which is rather fine! Not as good as the one in Lancaster though.