Ali G: Wicked! I is 'ere with Lord Rees Mogg and we is talking about class. Lord Mogg is gonna tell us 'ow we all can be upper class, can't we?

Rees Mogg: It was very kind of you to promote me to the er nobility but of course I'm.. I'm not. My.. my father is.. is Lord Rees Mogg, and I am just a commoner like everybody else.

Ali G: So what is class?

RM: What is class? Class is how other people er perceive individuals to be

Ali G: Which class is Pakis in?

RM: Pardon?

Ali G: Pakis

RM: By which..?

Ali G: Which class? Is they in middle class, upper class?

RM: (Stutters) I mean.. well you.. you're saying Pakistanis living ..

Ali G: Aye

RM: .. in.. in.. in England? Erm, they're not in a class erm by nature of where they've come from

(Break)

Ali G: What do you think makes a girl upper class?

RM: Well, exactly the same thing that makes a man upper class

Ali G: But is it things like she spits into her hankie?

RM: Erm I don't think spitting into one's handkerchief is widely regarded as a symbol of membership of the upper class (incomprehensible)

Ali G: What if someone is so rich they have a swimming pool? Would they then be upper class?

RM: Erm, no, I think that's a bizarre definition ..

Ali G: Aye

RM: .. of.. of.. of class

Ali G: What if they had a swimming pool made of gold but filled with champagne, and not the cheap stuff. Then would they be in the upper class?

RM: What, if like Cleopatra they bathed in asses' milk? Erm

Ali G: In what?

RM: Asses' milk. Erm

Ali G: Ass milk? Botty milk?

RM: Asses'

Ali G: From your..?

RM: No, no, no. Donkeys

Ali G: Oh, right

(Break)

Ali G: So what if I knobbed the daughter of a Lord?

RM: (Bemused) Erm, yes? And what if you did?

Ali G: If she got a bun in the oven what class would the little nipper be?

RM: Erm, it would so much depend on the circumstances. It would depend on the girl in question and so on and so forth

Ali G: What if YOU got busy with my sister? I wouldn't advise it 'cos she ain't the cleanest girl out there

RM: I haven't had the pleasure of meeting your sister

Ali G: Aye. Well, it can be arranged. She'll be keen

RM: I.. I.. I think speculating on.. on my ha.. having a relationship with somebody I've never met and that ..

Ali G: Aye

RM: .. leading to a child being born and then as to what class it might be is so er far-fetched erm as.. as.. as to be ridiculous. I have no idea about this

Ali G: What, you think you is too good for my sister?

RM: Certainly not, I wouldn't think ..

Ali G: Aye

RM: .. that for a moment

Ali G: You is

RM: No, no, I'm.. I'm probably..

Ali G: No (incomprehensible) she is rank. She's nothing

RM: I'm probably not worthy of your sister

Ali G: No, believe me, even my mum cuss her, tell her she's a slag

(Break)

Ali G: Would I be upper class if I got a top 'at and wore it?

RM: Erm, well would you like to try? I have a top hat, I can lend it to you for the next few minutes of this interview if you'd like

Ali G: So am I upper class now?

RM: Absolutely, you're a dead ringer for Lord Snooty

Ali G: Thank you, Jacob Rees Mogg. You have shown that class is interesting and we should know about it but not get stuck in it if we is gonna get ahead. Wicked!

RM: Thank you very much

Ali G: (Incomprehensible)

RM: Thank you

Ali G: (Incomprehensible). Good bye. And come and visit us at the Staines Massive

RM: With pleasure

END