Desert Night

I didn’t care how far I went!! I was just going to drive out into the desert!

I wanted to be away from everyone; from the noise from the memories from children and spiteful spouses. This night was clear and cold and the stars were extraordinarily bright in still quiet air, and I just kept driving.

I lost track of time and I found myself in the darkness; and there it was exit number 176.

On this freeway all the exits were just given numbers out here in the desert,

and this seemed like a desolate, remote, undisturbed road to get off and be alone for a while.

I slowed down and looked around as I cruised the exit ramp and stopped at the stop sign. It seemed stupid really because there was absolutely nobody anywhere, and I looked out into the darkness.

Turn right I thought to myself, for no reason, and I did as I glanced at the illegible road sign.

I glanced at my trip meter; I had come 92 miles into the desert and I had NO idea where I was now and didn't really care anymore.

I let a hollow and meaningless laugh escape my lips, and began to cry as I remembered why I was here.

I had found the shoebox.... "my little box of dreams", my child had called it... and that was one of her most precious possessions.

I thought it had been lost forever, but I had found it, and as I opened it the spirits of the past rushed out and enveloped me in a cloud of pain and tears.

I had stepped back to another time, and the pain was too much for me. All the blame came back. All the pain of that final moment, when she made that decision to die and I could not stop her, I could not get to her and save her!!

My knuckles gripped the steering wheel and I was bouncing and shaking about as I raced down this dirt road at breakneck speed. Reality returned for a moment, in the name of self preservation; and I slowed down to a stop.

I sat in the car listening to the engine, churning like my heart... beating fast and furious from it's excursion into the desert night. Absently, yet purposefully I turned the engine off, and sat there in the cold star lit silence for what seemed forever.

Then the wind came out of nowhere... a strange chilling wind, and I wondered if it could get even colder out here in the middle of this dry, dusty and compelling desolation.

It started howling and whistling around the car as if some spirit had suddenly awakened, and was breathing life into this endless dark sand and scrub.

I looked in my rear view mirror and gasped and almost chocked in surprise and fear. Right behind me on the road ... in the middle of it, like it owned the damn thing or something, was this really old gray truck. I kept watching in fearful fascination as a tall old bearded man got out of the truck and started to stroll toward me. Like an idiot I got out of my car, and immediately thought how stupid that was. Yet amid my fear I was fascinated with the fact that that the wind had stopped, and it was still and quiet again. Even with my coat on I was shivering, and the freezing ground was seeping through my shoes, as I stood rigidly and defensively now; angry at this intrusion of my solitude; not even thinking how the hell this man just suddenly appeared out of the howling dust.

We stared each other down, my heart was racing now as reality set in once again, and I realized I was in the middle of nowhere and I had left my damn weapon in the car. I was standing in the middle of the road like I should have a target on my forehead that said, shoot me I am an idiot for being out here.!

I noticed that the man was wearing only a flannel shirt, jeans and boots.. there was a bullet hole in the open drivers door. I felt a grip of fear squeezing at my heart and I could not breathe. Before I could surmise anymore, he spoke to me.

" Don’t do this son, don't be sad, and blame yourself... you are making your child so sad"

His eyes seemed so dark, but held a compelling warmth, and my face began to flood with tears. I screamed at him in the faint starlight, about how I felt so useless, how I had failed my children and my family, myself!

Then like a piercing dagger thruogh my mind, my heart almost stopped as I realized what I was saying. How did this strange man know anything about me! I had never seen him before! Now I was scared.... I felt the coldness seep through me, and grab at my heart... filling my lungs with an icy fearful emptiness.

I looked back at him now, and his face was also covered in tears. The wind had returned..... and it seemed stronger than before...

"Leave this place", he yelled at me above the howling wind.... "this is not where you belong!"

I forced myself to break away from this mesmerizing person, and feverishly attempted to get back into my car... my fingers numb; my hands shaking, and I cursed the freezing wind, as I obsessed with getting my gun, not thinking for a moment that I had my back turned to this man.

I finally flung the door open, and dived desperately into the car, grabbing at my gun, only to notice the wind had stopped again.

I lay there on the floor, my feet poking out of the door like I was a ragged doll that had been thrown into a child's toy basket, and hardly dared to breathe in the freezing silence that rang loudly in my ears now.

I took a sudden ragged breath and shoved myself out of my car; came to my feet, gun in hand, only to look wildly about in horror.

The silence of the absent wind was now creeping back into my body and I could hear my heart pounding like a drum against the still air.

There was NOTHING here! No truck, no old man; NOTHING! I was totally alone! There wasn’t even a tell tale sign of dust, as if the man had sped away!

My mouth was dry, and my lips stinging in the cold air as I stood in the middle of the road, like a tree that had become rooted, as I could not move.

"What the hell happened here!" I screamed with frustration into the empty darkness. My only answer was a deep, almost sullen humming of the wind that started to drift about me, gathering dust from the road in tiny little dunes that moved indifferently about my feet, covering my shoes.

Then I remembered why I had my gun in my hand!...The old man had a rifle in his right hand; held behind his back, and I had noticed it.

Dear Lord Almighty I thought to myself ... I stepped back into the car but my legs were like lead in my desperate fear, that had now replaced my initial intention for being here.

"I have to get out of here," I kept muttering to myself in a rasping hiss. My mouth was dry with fear, and I the last thing I wanted right now was another visitor like that. I had no idea who or WHAT this apparition was, I just wanted to get back to the freeway and civilization.

I jerked my car into gear and spun about in a U turn that almost landed me in the ditch, after which I started careening down the road the way I had come, hardly daring to breathe. The images of that man standing in the middle of the road not even trying to hide his gun; gave me a whole new respect for the concept of fear. My car sped along like a horse galloping at the scent of home, and my breath came in labored gasps.

Once again I stopped. The freezing air had given me no option now but to relieve myself, and I felt safe enough, and far enough away from that place that I could stop on the side of the road.

I got out and looked about, more out of habitual instinct than anything else, and as I stood there relishing in the relief my heart just froze once again.

No more than 30 feet away, half way down the slope of the ravine, amid the sagebrush and sand was a shape I would never forget. The partially submerged drivers door and roof of a 1950 Chevy truck. Even in the dim starlight I KNEW it was the same gray Chevy truck.

I zipped myself up and slowly staggered backwards to my car, as if I was backing away from some horrible sight. I reached into my car again and found my flashlight. I had to look! I had to be sure! I didn’t even notice how cold it was now; how that wind had come again, and was dashing the sand all about me .My eyes were fixed on the roof of that damn truck. I struggled in the loose sand and worked my way down the slope to the door and looked inside. It was all rusted and sandblasted from years in the desert. As I shone the light about I looked up at the roof of the vehicle; at the bullet hole in the roof, and I recoiled in horror banging my head on the window frame, cussing loudly and colorfully in my pain.

I stood there rubbing my head as the flashlight beam fell on the door. There it was, the same damn bullet hole in the door of the truck that the old man had stepped out of, back there on the road. I could see it! The same bullet hole that was in the door of this rusted relic.

I felt ill. My legs were aching and seemed to not want to take me back up the slope. I felt like I was being sucked back into an abyss. That I was destined to join this unfortunate creature and wander this road for the rest of eternity. I began to cry bitterly and called out God, to my dead child, pleading that she hear that I forgive her, that I have no hatred for what she did.

"Please God or whoever, or what ever you are out here," I gasped.

Screaming now through my aching lungs. " I don’t want to die out here!"

I made it back to my car, sobbing angrily now, and drove like the wind about me, back to the freeway.

What a delightful sight it was to see that freeway.... like a vein running through the endless sands... connecting me to civilization and sanity.

I finally made it to the entrance to the freeway, and I sat there for a moment looking behind me, expecting to see that old man driving down the road again.

I looked out at the road sign and could not see what it said in the darkness, so I took my flashlight and shone it on the sign.

I just shook my head in resignation as I read the words.... " Old Chevy Road".

(c) DW IGK 2003

CHALLENGE

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