This story is purely for satire purposes. It's a joke. Don't do it. Parents are good. OK? Good.

The Inheritance you deserve

It's nearly that time of year once again, and we all know that July has the highest rate of deaths than any other month of the year. Unfortunately, even if your parents or close relatives are at a ridiculously old age, sometimes they need that extra push to finally get them to leave this plane of existence.

For the most part, older people have two different opinions on giving you the money that is rightfully yours. The first is the "You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers" approach. Trust me gramps, it can be arranged! The second is the "When my time comes, I will make sure that charities get the lion's share of my money." What kind of crap is that!? Like they need to give their money to invalids and inbreds! Don't worry though, my friends. Even if they don't want to give you anything, documents CAN be altered and facts can be changed.

I have many approaches to getting people to go when I decide it's their time. For starters, whenever you see them start every conversation with a cheerful "Watch your back, old man!" or my personal favorite, "I'll see you dead!" They'll love it.

Next, try to make harmless little "accidents" occur, just to get their blood moving. I prefer the "greasing the bathtub" technique, or even a well timed "Poisonous snake in the bed" maneuver. Just wait 'till you see the look on their wrinkly old face! Priceless.

To finally get them to actually DIE, you want to go for finesse. For my Uncle Albert, I killed his cat, saut�ed it in Clorox bleach, and seasoned it with a light sprinkling of rat poison. Wow, was he impressed with the results. His last intelligible words were, "You dirty ingrate!" He talked much more, but it was mostly garble brought on by his mad convulsing on the floor.

There are many other techniques, including...

  1. Beat them with their own walker
  2. Taunt them so much they cry to death
  3. "Show" them your new chainsaw
  4. Push them down the well (a personal favorite)

With these helpful hints, you will be able to live happily for many, many years off your family members hard work! Just remember- when the police come a callin', there is always "She overdosed on her medication!"

Remember, it's a joke. For the love of God, don't do it!

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