Esther: Oh yes, I love that music... actually, no, that's quite enough. (Music stops abruptly) On today's show, we have... myself, of course (audience laughter) and I'll be interviewing a UFO abductee, and afterwards, myself.

(Audience laughter and drum loop; Esther partakes of a Yeltsin dance, breaks into a rousing chorus of "back once again for the regenade master", then realises her mistake)

Esther: Whoops! I'm not sorry or anything, though. Let's welcome our first guest, Selwyn Zanooski. (audience applause) We've used his real name.

Selwyn: Why are they clapping?

Esther: (sitting down) Well, I should imagine they are enjoying your lovely long-johns.

Selwyn: But you know how these breathable fabrics have a mind of their own. I can't get them off.

Esther: Thank goodness! Now Mr Zanooski has a most intriguing, yet palatable tale to tell. We set the scene in a small hut in a small Wimsley garden centre just before midnight on the 31st of March 1985. What were you doing at that time, idiot boy?

Selwyn: Just a spot of mathematics.

Esther: But then you were startled by a most mysterious noise?

Selwyn: No, I don't think so.

Esther: You're lying, aren't you?

Selwyn: Well, really...

Esther: You are a fool, aren't you? (audience laughter) Am I right? (audience applause) Well, am I? (louder applause) AM I? (yet louder applause) That's more like it. You know, I like it louder, but like a "lover" might! Now get on with it.

Selwyn: As I was saying, I was doing a wee sum when I was started by some dark light near my spine.

Esther: You heard no noise?

Selwyn: Actually...

Esther: Can we have a show of heads? Ah yes, you heard a nose. (audience reaction) You little minky.

Selwyn: (regardless) I soon realised that I had the Power of the Gladiators, and I then lost 2 seconds of time!

Esther: Two whole seconds?

Selwyn: Very nearly, yes.

Esther: Where did you lose them?

Selwyn: My panties.

Esther: Well I'm not above that. A show of legs, perhaps? (audience says 'ooh') No...

Selwyn: (talking over her) But my wife, Betty, wasn't having any of it, so I went to a local hypnotist to find out what really happened.

Esther: And you found yourself remembering the inside of an alien's strut?

Selwyn: (with sudden caution) Apparently so...

Esther: And what exactly happened on that crafty vehicle?

Selwyn: I don't like to talk about it. (audience boos)

Esther: You must, or I'll eat your lunch.

Selwyn: Well, they... they were doing surgery on my knees. (audience sensation)

Esther: (quietly) That must have been dreadful.

Selwyn: Not at that time. Anyway, they left me with long-johns. But sometimes, when I look down, I can't see them.

Esther: Can you see them now?

Selwyn: (looks and considers) Yes...

Esther: When can't you see them?

Selwyn: When it's dark.

Esther: Thank you Selwyn Zanooski! (audience applause) Now I'm sure you're all completely convinced of the absolute reality of alien lifeforms. Let's have ein show of men. Come on! Lift that man! (closing music fades in) Alright, you can party on down now. (starts shouting) FREED FROM DESIRE, MIND AND SENSES PURIFIED!