Tim: Hello. I'm Tim. I'm 35 years old (allegedly) and I have two nice children, Pergamon and Dave.

Rod: Do you want to say hello to them?

Tim: I'd rather not.

Rod: You just have. I say...ah, I say...there's a funny story about your driving isn't there Tim, heh heh.

Tim: Yeah. Once I was...well, it was the middle of the night, right, and there's no-one about, yeah, and, well, I drove down the wrong side of a dual carriageway, heh heh!

Rod: Now - that in itself isn't funny. But, I tell you, if someone else had come down the other way ha ha ha! I'd laugh copiously at that.

Tim: Great minds are now thinking "chap".

Rod: Well done. Our next contestant is called Marcus.

Marcus: Hi there!

Rod: Shut that trap, and what a stupid name heh heh.

Marcus: No, I'm 27 and from Super Milton Keynes in the South of England. I'd like to say howdy to my wife Linda and the kids, Parpaphone and Drake.

Rod: You boring poop. Tell us about your "funny" experience with a pig once.

Marcus: I went up to this great looking pig and I said "oink oink" to it, you know, like a pig might. Well it obviously took it the wrong way, 'cos the next thing I know...

Rod: Right, that's enough of that. Our final contestant is called Karen, she's 42.

Karen: ooh!

Rod: Heh and lives in a shack with 45 other men.

Karen: Thanks.

Rod: I enjoyed it too. Now let's play 'Near Letter Quality' heh heh. The first round's called 'My menagerie of Oobalong'. First you pick a letter from A to L, note that's [audience] 'A to L', heh heh. Now convert that letter into a number, A=1, B=2 etc., add 5 then convert this into its corresponding base value of the Fibbonacci series. Take 5, convert back into a letter, then this will be your starting letter! So wonderful, yet so simple. So Tim, your starting letter is?

Tim: C

Rod: What C has many legs but no tail?

Tim: Caterpillar.

Rod: You really are a pillar of my community heh heh. What a pathetic attempt. I'd have laughed copiously if you'd said 'cat with non tail', 'cos it would have been the correct answer. Next.

Marcus: M

Rod: You calculated wrongly, you field. Next!

Karen: P

Rod: Creosote is a substance, name a plant.

Karen: Begonia

Rod: And the punchline?

Karen: Everlasting Begonia.

Rod: That's not at all funny. Had you said 'everlasting peat' I would have laughed inwardly. Even so, the scores on the quorn are

Scorer from '15 to 1': 1d, 5 shillings and a groat lady.

Rod: Hurrah. Our second round is called "Hate my face now".

Tim: I'll go first.

Rod: Stop. Are you hating my face?

Tim: I be hating it in Scunthorpe.

Rod: No.

Karen: I be hating it 'round Torbay.

Rod: Nyet.

Marcus: And I be hating it in Milton Keynes.

Rod: Win. Scores on the newborn baby's face are 2d, 6 shillings and a d. But don't forget

Audience: d s'not p

Rod: And our last round requires the help of our lovely man Pragmatic Ray.

PR: My name is banana.

Rod: Laugh copiously and I didn't want to know that. So Pragmatic Raif (as I like to call him), start us off with a word.

PR: Pope.

Rod: That's not quite funny...yet.

PR: Popular Men I Have Known.

Rod: Better.

Tim: Woop.

Karen: Lagos.

Marcus: Papier papier marche.

Karen: Oo ja ka pi vi.

Tim: I'm a huge teapot...right now.

Karen: Demon diet.

Rod: Well, I think we're all heartily sick of this now. The final scores on the back of an envelope are...

Scorer: 7, 2 and 46 brag.

Rod: Karen, you can be my lovely wife in our final super win-a-lot. You lot can all go rot. We'll pay half your bus fare home. Drum roll now. I am thinking of a man. You've got ten seconds, go. It's already started.

Karen: Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky, Hitler, Mussolini, errmm...

Rod: No!

Karen: Blair, Majors, Kohl, Tsar Nicholas Romanov the first...

Rod: Time's up. The answer was: The Tsar, Nicholas Romanov the second. [audience cheers & applauds]

Rod: Wow I hated that and I'm off home now to my miniature pantry. Goodnight my little children, goodnight. But remember 'you get a lot less jollity with near letter quality'. Heh heh, copious and I like that one.