Doug Speaking

By Ken and Taylor.

(Both characters are named Doug)

Ken: (On the phone) Doug speaking. Hey Sarah Fightmaster. How you doing girl are you ready for tonight? Yeah I'm glad we're not going to another movie. You know how I feel about that, Sarah Fightmaster. (pause) Yes, Doug's going over to his girlfriend, Susan's, place tonight. (pulling out a string of condoms out of his pocket and shaking his head in approval) We'll Have the Entire place to ourselves. (pauses and looks at his watch) Ok, I'll see you when you come over, bye. (hangs up phone as Doug walks in wearing very casual clothes. (Ken points at Taylor) I thought you were going over to Shannon's tonight, what's with the clothes?

Taylor: (settling down on the couch, Doug picks up the remote and starts flipping through channels) Shannon Christy and I have reached the place where a couple stops playing games and reveals their true selves. Yeah, were comfortable. In fact, the other night we decided to watch some TV; so she sits down next to me wearing socks. Socks. (shaking his head, Taylor turns back to the TV).

Ken: So?

Taylor: That's all she was wearing. And I was perfectly comfortable with that. But I'm not going over there tonight. After the sock incident, she attempted to have sex with me - that's something I'm NOT comfortable with. You know? the whole bee thing.

Ken: So since you can't have sex, you're not gonna leave? That's what you're trying to tell me?

Taylor: Uh yeah pretty much.

Ken: Well then it's settled you gotta have sex cuz you gotta leave.

Taylor: Its not that simple man? I mean ya know.

Ken: (Stands up) Okay okay but we can do this we can fix you and your gentleman.

Taylor: What? What are you gonna do? I've tried everything, medicine, surgery, I've even had a priest bless it?.

Ken: Humph. (Sits down next to Doug) But works when your alone right?

Taylor: uhhh (pause) No.

Ken: Oh yeah right your socks stand up on their own.

Taylor: Static cling.

Ken: More like seaman cling.

Taylor: No way Doug, I'm telling you man it plain old flat out don't work.

Ken: What's wrong with just pleasing her (simulates convulsions).

Taylor: Oh yeah haha. But what's in it for me?

Ken: So true so true. Dude (turns) your screwed.

Taylor: No I'm not and that's why I'm listening to your crap.

Ken: (Pace then speaks)Were concentrating too much on the physical, what you need to do is think about absouloutlely nothing? clear your mind.

Taylor: Eh?

Ken: Exactly do that and a new sunrises.

Taylor: But I can't do that in the situation and that's when it counts.

Ken: Man why is this so hard? (Point backwards) Don't answer that.

Taylor: I wasn't gonna say a word and I'm not gonna talk about this anymore its bringing me down even more thinking about it.

Ken: Oh your gonna have sex and your gonna like it.

Taylor: No I'm not, I'm gonna sit right here and watch the James Bond marathon that's coming on tonight on TBS. If it weren't for those bees I'd be scoring like mad a regular 007? Once at a soccer game, this bumblebee mascot came bounding toward me and I ripped off his suit. I don't know why I kept the suit, but its like I couldn't let go.

Ken: Man that's it! You gotta try on the bee suit. You know become one with the bees.

Taylor: That's a good idea.

Ken: I heard she likes that kinda stuff.

Taylor: I don't know she might bee.

Ken: Nice pun. Anyway if you become one with the bees than you can harness the power of your stinger.

Taylor: Doesn't the stinger fall off of the bee when he's done stinging.

Ken: You can't think about that kinda stuff? you gotta think about the present? right now, and what you need to do right now is leave. LIKE RIGHT NOW!

Taylor: Yeah I will I will wear the bee suit.

Ken: Great fantastic super. LEAVE. (points desperately at his watch then exits).

Taylor: (Knock at door) Hey Ms. Crabtree? sure I'll take the garbage out? So how's those grandkids (Closes door). (Phone Rings) Doug Speaking. What about sex? You want to do that to me? What about tossing salad?

Ken: (Comes back out on stage with candles and condoms in hand while listening to Taylor talk on the phone.) Who are you talking to?

Taylor: Sarah Fightmaster. Settle down Doug. (Wrestling sounds from outside, Taylor walks back in Robe in hand).

Ken: Let me in? Hi Ms. Crabtree how's the grandkids, no I didn't mean it like that? Come on open up there's a crowd. Don't poke me like that kid. HEY. Sarah! NO NO NO... wait. (pause) Sigh, please let me in Doug.

Taylor: Its unlocked, always was. You like? (fashions bee suit) Hey nice?

Ken: Trash bag??? Yeah it's a hefty drawstring Ms. Crabtree gave it to me. Along with her phone number. She said she liked my package. She's like 80 years old Doug. Sara said she doesn't date perves. So its just us tonight how bout a little Bond and socks night?

Taylor: No way man. I've got the bee suit and a mean hard on. I'm Doug and I'm outta here.

Ken: Ms. Crabtree? Doug Speaking.

Thats the end go back to the page from which you came NOW