| A Poem |
There is a green hill far away, it's feet are made of rubber. When I put it on my head, I look like Hitlers mother. (LEFT: Picture of what the Evil Hitler along with Nasty Goerring and Goebells may have looked like if they'd adopted the Ostrich disguise to escape the Good allies. The idea was scrapped when the Nazis realised that Ostriches don't have moustaches or goose step.) | ||||||||||||||||
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Life with the stars: This week extracts from: LIBERACE AND I I first met Liberace after one of his shows at The Queen Henry Theatre in Las Vegas June �69. I made my way nervously backstage to be greeted by the words �Oh! Fancy! Would you like to come in my dressing room?� It was himself. Not long after I moved in. Liberace used to serve me brakfast in bed - champagne and truffles served on a gold tiara. When I first met him he could not give me enough gifts.He showered me with diamonds,rubys,emralds and his piss. He adored his two poodles which he had dyed pink.They were called Mitzy (after his grandmother) and Candelabra (after his favourite candelabra). He had a penis enlargement which left his penis erect for 24 hours a day.He liked it so much that he had a second penis grafted on.This was done �for the ladies� according to his press officer. He would sit around at the piano all afternoon with two large erections (much to my satisfaction - and Michael Jacksons - see chapter 96) He would play his special favourite tunes �I�m Tinkling My Ivories�, �Who�s That Big Boy By The Billabong Tree?� and �Too Much Cock But Not Enough Rock.....and Roll!� I wrote a special poem for him.It goes : Liberace, Liberace You look a bit like Versace... (but he didn�t). What I could never understand was that although he was gay as a window ,no one seemed to notice. He had such a generous nature and gave to lots of charities. he loved children and actually adopted 29 boys ( although when they reached the age of 16 he had them DESTROYED). I feel empty inside now that he�s gone. (LEFT: LIBERACE MEETS BUNGLE FROM RAINBOW IN 1936. BUNGLE WAS LATER DISCOVERED TO BE A NAZI COLLABORATOR) | Review by Amazon | ||||||||||||||||
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| BELOW: Picture of Dame Barbara Cartland yesterday |
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF........DAME BARBARA CARTLAND I am woken at 5am when my English butler Jeeves brings me English muffins on English toast with English marmalade made from English oranges. Jeeves takes the novel that I�ve written in my sleep to my publisher. I sit up in bed and pull up my duck down duvet filled with feathers from English Drakes (Sir Walter Drake was English you see). When I was a little girl birds never migrated South, they always flew West to the Home Counties. Johnny foreigner had never seen a bird until one nested in my hat when I visited the Empire.We all know that the Emu is a native of the Norfolk broads. I spent many a summer as a young girl playing Emu-polo feeding them tidbits of food made from ingredients of the finest English extraction - such as bananas, eagle thighs, boomerangs and Eskimo testicles (from Henly-On-Thames). Having feasted I rise from my bed and Jeeves sings �God Save The Queen� for me whilst I glue my dentures in humming �Rule Britannia� and write a book. At 6-30 I begin the long process of dressing. This takes several hours because if I don�t do it properly bits of my body fall off. At 8am a skip arrives full of my make-up which I usually put on whilst penning a trilogy. At 10-30 I switch on to the �Good Morning Dame England With Richard (the perfect gentleman) Madeley and Judy� show on the talkies box in the corner.In my day there was no such thing as a menopause - women got on with their work whether it be making pastries, playing whist or polishing their husbands bowling green balls. At midday (after writing the Felching through to Pysciactric Help section of the Encyclopaedia I�m writing) I reminisce about the old days with a piece of furniture - And one day Papa said we were going on a trip on a ship and I said �Papa,Papa, where was it built?� and he said Inverness which was in England in those days and we sailed off and then the Queen was born and we celebrated in another part of England called France where there were men with enormous onions and moustaches (which wasn�t the fashion back then but now it is and I have one between my breasts) and then the Queen travelled to England from Germany which was in Essex in those days and then she married a German called Adolf Hitler. I then slipped into a coma for 20 years and when I awoke England was overrun by ne�er -do-wells, who in my day didn�t do very well at all. I was outraged at this sorry turn of events and wrote letters to the highest powers that be - The Mountbattens, Winston Churchill,Barbara Windsor and Mr.Kipling . In my day a gentleman was a gentleman and a lady was a lady and if you took raspberries and stewed them in apple sauce they tasted much more like apricots than rhubarb does..... In my day a Lady was a Lady and a gentleman wore a codpiece. In my day I had a lovely hat made from fresh fruit which got eaten by a barking toad. My husband (Lieutenant Montague Sandringham Old-Kent-Road -Ballcok -Hyphen -Rees-Edward-Charles-Henry-er something or other-can�t quite remember) was the perfect gentleman who knew how to treat a Lady even after his death by guttering. After smashing up foreign made goods in Harrods it�s 3pm so I stop for elevenses. I call Mrs.Thatcher and tell her that when I was a little girl a gay man was something completely different and and there really was nowt queer as faggots. Then I call my budgerigar elocution teacher and say that in my day Mrs. Thatcher woof was something completely different and I was gay as a carthorse and used to spend hours at the opera watching my favourite songstress Daniella Rue (horrible French name indeed) woof woof. By 5pm it�s nearly 8 0� clock woof so I start to get ready for bed by trying to find my bedroom woof when I was a young lady the hills were alive with the sound of pennyfarthings woof which my brother and I woof woof woof would paint with gaily coloured colours woof woof woof woof. By 9pm I need more Falkland Islands bark woof woof growl medicine. At the end of the day I take my brains out of my arse and put them back in Sarsons (it�s made in England You Know). | ||||||||||||||||
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