*Things MGS Characters Would Never Say*
(by Ronin Fox)

Roy Campbell: Hurry up and finish the mission, Snake! I have a Bingo night to attend!
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Liquid Snake: *singing* I'm... too sexy for my shirt... too sexy for my shirt...
Snake: You sure are, handsome!
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Ninja: DANG, I hate these tight pants!
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Otacon: Oh, screw you, Snake, I'll go and stop Metal Gear myself! *grabs weapons and ammo and storms off*
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Ninja: *singing the Barney song* I love you, you love me, we're one happy family! With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too!
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Ocelot: I'll take you on with my bare hands!... er... hand!
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Master Miller: Sorry, Snake, I don't have time to answer your question-- I'm about to get into my Hind-D and shoot you down.
Snake: What?
Master Miller: Um... I said, uh, I need to see my Boy Scout troop now... see ya...
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Ninja: Snake... I don't want to fight you...
Snake: Why not?
Ninja: I'm late for my tapdancing lesson. *leaves hurriedly*
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Raven: Chocolate chip cookies for everybody! Who wants some?
Mantis: Bah! Your cookies can't beat my freshly-baked blueberry muffins!
Raven: I know your dirty little secret! You used muffin mix!!!
Mantis: Well, you bought those cookies from the store!!!

*Raven and Mantis start brawling with each other*

Liquid: Screw this, I'm having donuts.
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Mei Ling: Dang, I've run out of classic quotes to annoy Snake with.
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Master Miller: All right, Snake! Shoot those innocent, harmless field mice!!!
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Mantis: Whatcha reading, Raven?
Raven: It's the latest copy of Playboy. Sniper Wolf's on the cover.
Mantis: Hubba hubba! Who's on the centerfold?
Raven: Let's see... it's....... *flips pages* um, some new girl named Mei Ling...
Liquid: *barges in* WHO has my Playboy magazine?! I want my Playboy!
Snake: YOUR Playboy mag?! You stole that offa ME, you ratty #$^%@ @#$% *&^%#@......... *big fight ensues*
Mantis: Whoa, man, let's get out before we get caught in the crossfire.
Raven: Yeah, c'mon. I'll show you where the Boss keeps his Penthouse collection.
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*The famous scene where "Master Miller" is revealed to be Liquid*

Liquid: Snake! Did you like my sunglasses?
Snake: Liquid! ...I hate your sunglasses! They don't suit your hairstyle, and the tinted lenses are just shocking! Where did you buy them?!
Liquid: Um....... from K-mart...
Snake: Bah! Leave the base for a while and come with me-- I know where you can get some really neat-looking threads.
Liquid: Oh sure, that would be lovely...
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Meryl: You know, Snake, just between you and me, Psycho Mantis is really cute...
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Sniper Wolf: I'm a cat person.
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*Scene where Liquid's cellphone rings while he's standing over Snake in Ocelot's torture room*

Liquid: *answers phone* Yes, it's me. ....... Really? ... Then what? ...... Oh! Those idiots!!!
Ocelot: What's wrong, boss?
Sniper Wolf: Those Americans won't give in to our demands?
Liquid: No......

*dramatic pause*

Liquid: ...Domino's sent in a pepperoni pizza! I ordered ham and pineapple!!!
Sniper Wolf: You can never get good help these days.
Ocelot: Let's go to McDonald's.

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*Boss battle against Metal Gear Rex*

Liquid: Hahaha, Snake, now I'm going to crush-- *sees an unfamiliar figure on the ground* what on earth is THAT?
Delivery Boy: Hi, did someone here order a ham and pineapple pizza with extra cheese?
Liquid: Yes, I did... no, wait a minute, I need to kill my hated brother first! DIE, SNAKE! *fires at where he last saw Snake, but he's no longer there* Huh? Where...... NOOOOOOO!!!
Snake: *gets pizza from delivery boy and pays for it* Thanks. See ya around. *leaves the room eating pizza*
Liquid: Oh @#$%! If I fire at him with Rex, I'll blow the pizza to smithereens! *jumps out of Rex* You're going to DIE, SNAKE! First you stole my birthright, and now MY PIZZA!
Snake: Uh, Liquid, that's a 50-foot drop to the...

*SPLAT!*

Snake: ... ground. *munches pizza casually*
Liquid: ........I hate you, Snake............
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*Fist-fight with Liquid on Metal Gear Rex*

Snake: Your fly is open.
Liquid: Whoops! *looks down to zip his fly*
Snake: YOINK! Got yer nose!

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*Fist-fight, take 2*

Snake: Your shoelace is untied.
Liquid: You're pathetic, brother! That's the oldest trick in the book! Have at you! *charges at Snake*

*Liquid trips on his shoelace and falls off Rex*

Liquid: SNAAAAAAAKE!
Snake: *shrugs* Told you so.
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*Psycho Mantis controls Meryl's mind*

Meryl: Snake, do you..... like me? Oh, Snake...
Snake: *SWEATDROP!*
Colonel: *on codec* Snake! Meryl's not herself! Find some way to knock her out!
Snake: Right!

*Snake throws a stun grenade, which sends Meryl sprawling to the floor, unconscious*

Snake: Hah! *turns to face Psycho Mantis* Now, you...
Mantis: Snake! I love you, Snake!
Snake: YAAAAAAH!

*Snake panics and runs, and as he leaves the room, Mantis knocks him out by smashing a statue into the back of his head*

Mantis: *grins smugly* Works every time.
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*Boss fight against Cyborg Ninja*

Ninja: Make me feel it, Snake! Make me feel alive again!
Snake: Hmm, well, if that's how you wanna play it... wait here, I'll be right back. *leaves the room*
Ninja: ?

*5 minutes later...*

Snake: *comes back dressed in tight leather, with whips and chains* ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR WHIPPING, BOY? HUH? C'MON, BEND OVER! *cracks the whip*
Ninja: *sweatdrop* Dang, Snake, you're worse than me!!!
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Liquid: From now on, call this place... Outer Heaven!
Ocelot: Outer Heaven?
Liquid: Well, it sounds much better than Liquid Snake's Groovy Pad, don't you think?