Dear Angela

Can't help but tidy

Dear Angela

Hello Angela. Oh Sorry. Thats better. I have a problem - I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Popping out to the local shop means having to wash my hands over and over and over before I can leave the house. And immediately after I leave, I have to return and go back in to wash them again because I realise that I touched the door handle on the way out and may have picked up some microscopic germs.I can only settle down in the evening once every single item in my kitchen is lined up in its correct position (and that includes every knife, fork and spoon in the cutlery drawer, every packet in every cupboard, and even every biscuit in every tin). What can I do?

  • ANGELA SAYS: Oh my gosh - you dropped a biscuit. Ha. I merely joke you. I can see you have trouble here my friend. My best advice to you is to repeat the same action over and over until it feels just right. If this doesn't work try checking switches and locks in the house or maybe try counting and arranging things. Do this right now and film yourself. Watch the tape back and realise you are being silly. After you've watched the tape rewind it and make sure its in its correct place, with all the other tapes (in alphabetical order) in your clean and dust free cupboard. Ok then. Time to move. Yes?

    I need to dance for my money
    but I can't actually dance

    Dear Angela

    Hello I am a Lap Dancing Dwarf. But I have a problem. I cannot dance. What can I do?

  • ANGELA SAYS: Mrs. Naked Dwarf Woman - listen to this - You tell me no problems and I tell you no lies. You say that you can't dance. This is not possible. Everybody is dancing now. Even my father is a dancing man. If you are really struggling may I suggest this. You will like this and so will I. Anyway, I hope that my advice has been good for you and just remember - Its good. Real good.

    PS - The fact that you are a dwarf is not relevant to me.

    Have I got the AIDS?

    Dear Angela

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 48 years now. I have had sex with him once and he says we should get married or I will get AIDS. What is your advice Angela? From a worried woman

  • ANGELA SAYS:There is no need to worry here sexual lady. I have lots of ideas for you here, but I can't tell you them because that would be wrong. But what I can suggest is that you must not worry here. It will be good in the end. Everything will be good. Do you see this? I was once in this situation but I am fine now - just look how I smile at you my friend. Come on now. Its good. OK? I think the best advice for you is to phone my advice line called There are many things that I have heard before. The number is true. Phone it up with your little fingers and you will be OK. Goodbye my sex friend and good luck. OK?

    Divorce confusion

    Dear Angela

    Hiya Angela. I recently got divorced from my childrens father. Since these proceedings I have learnt that he was also my husband. What can I do now?

  • ANGELA SAYS: Its fine. I repeat this point twice only. I'm OK and you are OK. OK? The best piece of action that you can take is to go on holiday and forget about it all with this shit that I give you soon. Take this (I give it to you) - Its medicine - It will make you bounce and you will be OK. You got it? Good. Now leave me alone I'm eating a piece of bread (no butter - just plain) You should try this and lighten up baby face. OK?

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    Lines are open from 11am to 11.01am, Monday to Friday. You will first hear a short message from me and then be put through to a counsellor. Good luck! You can remain anonymous if you prefer. I never do - its more fun that way!

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