Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today someone will accuse you of looking at them with your eyes. The way to handle that is to say "I have no eyes" You will also answer to your name if someone says it. Watch out for the letter 10.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will receive a telephone call today. You will also walk with your feet and experince a very strange sensation - Your mouth will move and noises will be emitted and you will call this talking. Beware of a man called Jeff today. Don't accept anything from this man. He is a bad person.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to stay in your house. If you go outside today you will be run over. Stay where you are.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Now is an excellent time to share that special something with that special someone. If you don't have a special someone - kidnap one.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today is a good day to do that chore that you have been putting off for a long time now. Also beware of DIY products, cleaning fluids and hoovers. The number 7 will appear before you naked.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A large brick will fall from an apple tree and your grandmother will be arrested. Also - Watch out for the time.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will find yourself wearing clothes, going to work, working at work and at some stage over the next 24 hours - You will find yourself sleeping.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a bent accent.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will be a lucky day. Go down to your local betting store and place a bet of �10 that today will be your lucky day. Continue with your everday going ons and collect your winnings at the end of the day. Well done in advance.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Do not pass go - do not collect �200. Beware of a man who may cross your path carrying weapons. Give him your bird seed and be on your way.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will learn to smoke and drink. If you already follow these habits you will give them up without noticing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, about yourself. You will be embarrassed. You thought your clothes were cool. You thought facial hair was fashionable. You thought you had friends.