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| BREAKING NEWS: ROUTINE FAN RIOT GETS OUT OF HAND
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| Some Violence (Recently) |
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WEMBLEY, LONDON -- Terry Preston never knew what hit him. Terry , 66, and wife Tina, 59, were injured after an ordinary display of pre-match destruction turned violent. Along with 392 other fans of the English football team, the Prestons were injured while participating in the ordinary pillaging of neighborhood shops prior to the game. According to witnesses, the crowd of British fans had been routinely destructive during the pre-game warm-ups, raping and maiming with average abandon, when the peaceful massacre unexpectedly turned chaotic. "I've never seen anything like it," said English defender, Gareth Neville. "You just don't expect anyone to get hurt from a large gathering of angry drunks." In light of the chaotic turn of events, next week's planned destructive spree after England plays Italy has been postponed for two weeks.
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| FEATURED SPORTS STAR: Mark Knickers
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| Interview by Chesney Whoresmoore |
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This weeks Player of The Week is Australian rogue Mark Knickers. He is set to retire from international Speed Waving and finish his career with English club The Smackers. The 29-year-old, who was 30 last week, plans to play his last match for his current side - The Smackers - during the forthcoming Wave-a-thon series. Knickers has won 32.5 Test caps, scoring 300 waves since making his debut at the age of 45 in 1989. He has also won two World Waving Cups and was named Player of the Tournament in last year's competition.
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| Some Mark Knickers Fans |
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| Chinese Athletes Put Back Into Storage
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| BY TOMOTHY CHESTNUKS, Deputy Sportal Font Maker |
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BEIJING, CHINA -After two weeks of remarkable success against the world's finest athletes, the Chinese National Olympic Team was carefully disassembled and put back into storage yesterday, placed in a specially designed, high-tech cryogenic freezing pod for preservation until the 2004 Olympics in Japan, Australia.
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| Cricket was 'a mistake'
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| FROM DAVE LEANINGBRIDGE IN BRUXTONSVILLE |
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Inventor of Cricket Beefy Botham admitted this week that he invented the popular worldwide game by mistake. He explained how when he was just 10 years old that he was playing in the park when a young bully threw a stone at him and he blocked it with a nearby branch.
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| Openly Gay Weightlifter dies
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Gay Weightlifter Mamalick Miarse died this week, aged 32 in a tragic accident. Not all details are clear as yet, but the police have confirmed that it involved a tragic accident. Mamalick was championed in the gay community and won 4 gold medals at his own house.
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Daz Power |
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| Golf Wizard cracks: Daz Power was supposed to be Tiger Woods' playing partner on Thursday at the Deutsche Bank-AP Open in one of his rare appearances in Europe. But his fellow pro didn't make it on time to the first green, due to his clubhouse antics. Powder was dawdling with strong lager in the clubhouse and missed the first hole and Woods kicked off his round without him. Seeing as he had no one to play against, Woods challenged himself to a game. He later went onto to beat himself in a very close competetion. Woods beat Woods on the last hole with a lucky 7,085 yarded putt. |
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Wheelchair winners |
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| England's bid to host the 2010 Wheelchair Throwing World Cup is boosted by personal praise from celebrity retard Joey Deacon.
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Talking Point |
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| This years Hooligan Finals are set to be disturbed by some Hooligans. Hooligan 2000 organiser Chris Punch expressed his concerns at a recent Hooligan Conference. He told the press "Are you looking at my birds tits?" We ask you - What can be done? |
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