I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a
decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if
I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was
an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to
buy them again.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new
song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says,
"Here, you can go."
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was
supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops .. .
."
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I
got there.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go
to her office. You'll just be walking down the street and . . .
.. . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea
shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe
you've seen some of it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup
letter.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just
having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's
Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I
said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could
know how and when you were going to die, would you want to
know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget
it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was
going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the
wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and
chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the
shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above
me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . ..
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood
around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards.
Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you
run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe
everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said,
"No thanks - I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next
door complained. So, I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get
taller ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last
year."
What a nice night for an evening.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?