Assortment Numero Uno

Professor Hathaway: I want to see more of you around the lab.
Chris: Fine. I'll gain weight.

Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!

[Admiral Benson comes into the briefing room in riding pants]
Admiral Benson: Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself "What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger ... and a woman". You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.

Renton: Now I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn't a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we'd outgrown each other, you know, that sort of thing. But let's face it, I ripped them off - my so called mates. But Begbie, I couldn't give a shit about him. And Sick Boy, well he'd done the same to me, if he'd only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud - he never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaing up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you.The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

[Into the mirror, preparing for his high school reunion.]
Martin Blank: Hi, remember me? I'm not married, I don't have any kids, and I'd blow your head off if someone paid me enough.

Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry: Ehhhh! I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry: What?
Sally: They don't make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God.

Frank Drebin: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer: Goodyear?
Frank Drebin: No, the worst.

Parole Board Member #1: They've got a name for people like you H.I. That name is called "recidivism."
Parole Board Member #2: Repeat offender!
Parole Board Member #1: Not a pretty name, is it H.I.?
H.I.: No sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me anymore.
Parole Board Member #1: You're not just telling us what we want to hear?
H.I.: No sir, no way.
Parole Board Member #2: 'Cause we just want to hear the truth.
H.I.: Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.
Parole Board Member #1: Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?
H.I.: Yes, sir.
Parole Board Member #1: Okay, then.

[Trent talks a girl into meeting them later and bringing a friend.]
Mike: That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi mind-shit.

Randal: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante: "Empire".
Randal: Blasphemy!
Dante: "Empire" had the better ending. Luke loses his hand and finds out Vader is his father. Han is frozen and captured by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. Just like in real life. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.