Steven Wright is a hilarious comedian, you may have seen him on television, live at a club, or even in some films. If you're not sure who he is, he's a comedian who tells odd jokes in a monotone voice with a deadpan expression on his face. Read the quotes with that description in mind…

-Curiosity killed the cat . . . but for awhile I was a suspect.

-It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

-I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

-My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

-Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.

-Today I... No, that wasn't me.

-Sometimes I... No, I don't.

-Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

-It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

-When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

-I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

-I bought a new phone. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it."

-I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

-I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

-I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

-We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

-I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

-When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

-My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

-I like to put slinkies on the escalator.

-A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

-I can levitate birds. No one cares.

-I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

-The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

-I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

-Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

-One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

-I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.