WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guys dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if
its a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a
thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at
all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not
two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look at so please
make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match
the outfit to suit your body. If you've got a half decent a*se but no t*ts
for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover up your meagre
mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked
to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be a*sed to scream to show your
appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's
done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up the
a*se should do the trick.

5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm
just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we
can carry on in the mean time." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on
but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager in him.

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried
away and says things like "Ride my c*ck hard you filthy c*ck-sucking s1ut"
or "Yeah, swallow my man custard b!tch". Laughter at any aspect of the male
performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can
speak whole sentences.

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face,
don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful
union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most
cases - but this is risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness

8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so
please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer
belly or a love-bite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep
such matters so himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting
Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male
psyche.

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does
not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If
you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving
anything or asking for a phone number.

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don't like it that
much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams
away.

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his
sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed
everything.

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will
force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some
weight and tighten up those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the
perfect body. 99.6% of men say that even Christi, Elle and Naomi could lose
a few pounds - so what chance have you got?

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you
going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth
of to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone
to the gym to work out your biceps. If he's sh*gg!ng you and takes more than
10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful
act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if your the best lover He's ever
had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you
are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you
expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and
we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some
effort into the act to show you appreciation.

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky enough to have an imaginative lover
who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting
suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If
he's a real man he's probably sh*gg!ng her anyway. Plus you might learn
something from her to keep your man really happy.

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes
your pussy look like a piece of poultry past it's sell-by date. At best, it
looks like the snatch of a 10 year old. If you want to trim, go for a nice
sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your
man would rather be sh*gg!ng.

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate
right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste
and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing it from side to side. A line like "I
love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and
games.

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy
he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more
than 5 minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in
sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's
prowess is appreciated.

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's
warm after-sex-glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into a
well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy
that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" . There is a name for the
practise of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN
BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated
room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom
and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's
bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder
erection.

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be
excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in
expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like his
semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of
nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing
water from a sponge. If you have long nails, pull them off with pliers
before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's d!ck don't just get on the end of the thing
and jam your head back and forward. It is a beautiful instrument; it should
be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1): Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging
him to remember your name after he's sh*gged you. If he thought it was
important to remember your name, he would have.

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if your lover shouts out
another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated
lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, the
pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of
course, he might be sh*gg!ng in his spare time and its understandable that
he should make such an obvious mistake.

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and then let his proud
stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every
square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45
minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you
must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has
started to snore.

28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our c*ck, this should not be taken
literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep tooth action to a little
nibble every now and again.

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part
of fore-play, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and
complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at
least.

30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the
important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you
must have a portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial
glazing and a familiarity with the idiosyncrasies of your man's ana1 region.

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those
special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was
drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or
video camera.

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink
clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too
much of a good thing.

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is overrated so don't spoil everyone's fun
by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do
have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

34. PERIOD PAIN (1): Its natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but
please do not pretend that a)your period has finished or b) it hasn't even
started yet. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies
about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he
sh*gged before he met you.

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Never-the-less, just because you're on the blob, it
doesn't mean his natural healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off
limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time to work on
your massage and oral techniques.

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving your man some
encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be
the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy,
you've got to deal with it and see things through to their natural
conclusion.

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please
understand if he should occasionally (say 3 times a week) fall asleep while
on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a
sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the
illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If
you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible
secret hidden beneath your caked on make-up.

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on
the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he
would have given us a snatch.

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are
hard-core p0rn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat
shows or gardening programmes to be watched.