In an attempt to influence the members of the international
  Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in
  the year 2004, the organisers of Manchester's bid have
  already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
  A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

  OPENING CEREMONY

  The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by
  a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area),
  wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be
  contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the
  stadium.

  THE EVENTS

  In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not
  been particularly successful. In order to redress the
  balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to
  the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

  100 METRES SPRINT

  Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave
  oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting
  pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards
  behind the athletes.

  100 METRES HURDLES

  As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges,
  gardens, fences walls etc.)

  HAMMER

  Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer
  they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the
  one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members
  of the public within the time allowed.

  FENCING

  Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver
  and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

  SHOOTING

  A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this
  event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the
  second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk
  bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

  BOXING

  Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife
  teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband
  will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told
  not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then
  commence.

  CYCLING TIME TRIALS

  Competitors will be asked to break into the University
  bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some
  mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from
  home. All against the clock

  CYCLING PURSUIT

  As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of
  the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

  MODERN PENTATHLON

  Amended to include mugging, breaking  and entering ,
  flashing, joy riding and arson.

  THE MARATHON

  A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors
  will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick
  up litter on their way round the course.

  SWIMMING

  Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship
  canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the
  medals

  MENS 50KM WALK

  Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police
  cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
  Manchester.

  THE CLOSING CEREMONY

  Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members
  of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,
  synchronised rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir.

  The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping
  an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the
  block of flats next to the stadium.

  The stadium will be then  boarded  up before the local
  athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and
  the central heating boiler.