Once.
And THIS is how it happened
I was wondering the streets of rainy Swindon one sunny morning and I came across a small shop called "Trinkets". The owner of the shop opened the door and I obviously apologised. He said "My name is Axelssor come in, and see my Trinkets."
I entered the shop and it was like the tardis: " A time travelling telephone box!" He led me to the far side of the phone box and to an extremely small door. Axelssor opened the door wide and I saw a small room with a small round table in the centre with four men playing poker around it. Axelssor smiled a smile of smiles of Cheshire cat smiles and pointed to the empty chair that was around the table. And said:
"Billie"
"What? I replied"
"Billie!"
"We love her." said the largest man in a deep husky voice.
I sat down in the empty seat and listened as Axelssor told me the story of how Billie was in fact brought up by these people who affectionately called themselves 'The Foo Kings'. Billie was known as the 'Foo Queen' who was it was said was always looking for a few good 'Foo Kings'.
She was brought up by the 'Foo Kings' after her parents abandoned her in the supermarket.. for just a couple of seconds. She was their own. Brought up as their own daughter. She left to find fame and fortune as an extra on Byker Grove; she gave up on that dream and became a pop tart.. sorry pop star.
"Basically" said Foo 1
"We cannot live"
"Without a new Foo Queen"
"We will die"
"Without a Foo Queen for our Foo King, Foo Kings"
So they asked me.
I said yes. It seemed like the right thing to do.
I returned the next weekend for the crowning and branding. A large FQ was branded onto my left buttock. I was crowned as queen, but I don't think I ever felt as if I was the real queen. As if the ghost of Billie was still there. And as I was doing my Pancake Day speech the loacl constabulary broke into "Trinkets" and arrested Axelssor, the Foo Kings and me, the Foo Queen. Luckily for us we weren't doing anything illegal (except for a small bit of tax fraud). And we were released with no charges.
After this event I became dissillusioned with the 'society' and my visits became less frequent. Until I stopped going completely.
The events of those few weeks were only brought back to me at a Billie concert I attended. And I could see, I could see as she sang, she was singing at me. She looked right at me and blew me a kiss. All those thousands of people and she blew *ME* a kiss. ME. It was as if she knew, and she did. And to this day if you look closely you can still see. The bottom of a red Q, sticking out of her tart pants.