The Combined Adventures I
This story has no connection with any television show or characters. Anything which bares a small or large resemblance to the real thing is purely co-incidental.
If any information in this story just *happens* to be breaking any sort of copyright laws then "It wasn't us!".
Star Trek - The Combined Adventures.
Starring
MICHAEL JORDAN
WESLEY CRUSHER
James T. Kirk
Jean-Luc Picard
Captain Janeway
William Riker
Geordi La Forge
Data
Worf
Dr. Beverly Crusher
Deanna Troi
Guinan
Spock
Leonard H. McCoy
Montgomery Scott
Hikaru Sulu
Uhura
Pavel A. Chekov
Kira Nerys
Jadzia Dax
Chief O'Brian
Odo
Julian Bashir
Quark
Chakotay
Chakotay Clone
Tom Paris
Tuvok
B'Elanna Torres
BA Baracus
Murdock
Hannibal
Faceman
Elizabeth Montgomery
Ducchini El-Commondini
Norm
Gul Dukat
Decker
Michael Knight
KITT
Quinn
Wade
Arturo
Rembrandt
Largo
Guybrush Threepwood
LeChuck
Alex Mack
Bonnie
Morn
Monica
Phoebe
Rachel
Chandler
Joey
Ross
Mr Macaroni
Dr Zachary Smith
Will Robinson
Xena: Warrior Princess
Splinter
Man who jumped out of the window
Buck Rogers
Futunoor
Moriaty
Luke
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Han Solo
Leia
Uncle Jack
Sherlock Holmes
Guinan
Ming the Merciless
Johnny Briggs
Doc
Marty McFly
Baldrick
Cat
Kryten
Rimmer
Lister
Holly
Adolf Hitler
Elvis Presley
Mom Presley
Doctor Nick
Chief Quimby
A German Person
King Bungle III
Colonel Belding
Jeri
Dagracht (grandfather of Worf)
Harry L. Kim
Custard Menace
Ghost of Jack Crusher
60's Batman
Agent Fox Mulder
Agent Dana Scully
Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Snr.
Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Jnr.
A small man in a gray coat
Pat
Three Men
Shepherds
Shaun the Sheep
On-lookers
Blonde Q
Danish cartoon superhero
the small man with an overzealous moustache
The woman from Short Circuit
The guy off Innerspace who gets the needle stuck in his ass
Bertie Bassett
Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Star of M*A*S*H 1
Star of M*A*S*H 2
Star of M*A*S*H 3
Star of M*A*S*H 4
Star of M*A*S*H 5
Star of M*A*S*H 6
Star of M*A*S*H 7
Star of M*A*S*H 8
George Clooney
Plus
Special Guest Appearance from Garry Shandling
Space. The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starships, Enterprise, Voyager and Defiant.
Their missions, who cares. We want to know what happens to the characters.
This show is filmed before a live studio audience
Teaser
------
The Beginning - On board the Enterprise
"Spacial anomaly on the port bow captain" Data said in his usual way.
"On screen Mr. Data"
"Aye sir". Data presses a button and a huge vortex in space appears on the viewscreen.
"Look at the size of that thing" exclaimed Riker.
"Do sense any lifeforms counsellor?" the captain asked.
"No. But... I can't tell"
"Captain, it appears to be a wormhole of some kind. But none that we have ever encountered before" adds Data. "Something appears to be emerging".
At that moment, a ship exits the wormhole. It is heavily damaged. Picard seeing the ship on the monitor sends out a hail.
"Unidentified vessel, this is the starship Enterprise. Do you require assistance?"
Switch to the Voyager bridge
"Captain, we are receiving a hail. It's from the Enterprise"
"The Enterprise!" Janeway said in an excited voice. "Put them on the viewer Harry. It appears your little plan to create a wormhole worked Harry! Enterprise, this is the starship Voyager. We are in need of repairs. Could you help?"
"The Voyager?". Picard was puzzled but nonetheless, he offered to tow them to the nearest starbase. "Tell me captain, where did you disappear to? You were believed to have been destroyed in the badlands"
"It's a long story captain. One I will be glad to share on our journey."
The Enterprise locked a tractor beam onto Voyager and set a course for DS9. The crew of the Voyager beam over to the Enterprise to share their experiences in the Delta quadrant.
************************************************************************
Show
----
At DS9
"Shut up Fool!", BA was getting increasingly annoyed with Murdock's annoying antics.
"Hey! calm it BA.", said Hannibal, "We need to get on with the plan."
The A-Team climbed into the large black van which had been modified for this particular mission.
The van skidded as it reached the warehouse. They were there to rescue Elizabeth Montgomery, she had been threatened and abducted by the Los Angeles mob leader
"Right. BA and Face, you take out El-Commondini's goons. Murdock and I will go around the back."
"OK Hannibal."
The A-Team always followed Hannibal's orders. He always had a plan up his sleeve.
BA ran at the entrance, it was a wooden door, it broke easily under the strain of BA's shoulder. When the dust settled two of El-Commondini's goons were stood in the warehouse. A fist fight ensued. BA threw his goon into a trough of water while Face punched a goon down a flight of metal steps.
"Come on Face! Lets get the girl"
"Sure BA."
"Not so fast!"
El-Commondini was stood in a darkened part of the room. He walked a few steps forward revealing the wrinkles in his face. He was carrying a sub-machine gun and was pointing directly at BA and Face.
"I will enjoy this."
El-Commondini obviously didn't take into account Howling Mad Murdock. Murdock swung from a broken light socket knocking over El-Commondini.
"Good work Murdock" shouted Face.
Hannibal called the A-Team into a side room where he had just untied Elizabeth Montgomery.
"You must get out of here!"
"Sure! Would you like my phone number", Face as usual was trying his best to get on with the woman character.
"No!" Face looked shocked
"Commondini has set timed bomb to go off, it's due to go off in 1 minute."
"Let's get out of here."
"Good idea." said Face with a worried look.
The A-Team left the building and ran to BA's van. They all got in and BA sprinted away from the warehouse.
"I love it when a plan comes together!" said Hannibal as the warehouse blew in traditional movie style.
"shoot!", The van swerved and hit a pedestrian who was standing in the road.
BA looked down and sighed.
"End program." said the obvious Klingon voice.
"Are you all right Odo."
"Yes. No thanks to you, I could have been killed"
"No Odo. No one ever gets killed in the A-Team"
"Worf. You look quite frankly.... ridiculous"
"But this is what they wore in the 80s"
"You are needed in the conference room. The Enterprise has arrived along with another ship."
"The Enterprise!"
************************************************************************
The Conference Room
All of the senior members of staff were talking in the conference room as Odo and Worf walked in.
"Worf! It's good to see you again" hollered Picard.
"Thank you captain. I see you have brought guests with you."
"Yes Mr. Worf. Let me introduce you. This is captain Janeway, her first officer commander Chakotay, Ensign Kim, Lt. Paris, and this is lt. B'Elanna Torres"
"Hellllllo there" Worf said with an obvious flare of passion.
"Hello Mr. Worf. It's nice to see a Klingon after all this time."
The doors to the conference room open once again and captain Sisko enters the room.
"I'm sorry to interrupt the festivities ladies and gentlemen but I have some urgent news from Starfleet. I think we should all sit down."
Some one gets up from their chair and screams "Ahhhhhh! We're all gonna die!" and then jumps out of the window.
"Chief, get a repair crew in here right away" Sisko said calmly. "We have no time to deal with this. Starfleet has ordered the Enterprise, the Defiant and the Voyager on a mission to wander around the galaxy on a pointless mission of doing nothing. We are to get underway as soon as the repairs are complete on Voyager and the Enterprise and Defiant are fitted with some of that new Borg technology brought back from the Delta quadrant. In the meantime, I suggest we all unwind a little at Quark's.
*First ad break*
Quark's
Everyone piles in and begins to slosh back the synth-ale. Someone else then walks into the room.
"Evening everybody!"
"Norm!"
Quark asks "What's new Norm?"
"Terrorists Quark. They've taken over my stomach and demanding beer"
[laughter rings out around the bar]
On the far side of the bar sits Deanna and Dax. They are on lookers as they watch the only Klingon male and female in the bar try to fondle each other there and then.
"Y'know, he really is good in bed" proclaimed Dax.
"How would you know? I've enjoyed the best of him" argues Deanna.
"Let's not argue. Worf is being taken away from us by that poo Torres. I've heard she's snogging Paris. Let's use this to our advantage."
"I like your style!" exclaims Deanna. "Y'know, If you weren't a woman, I would really go for you!"
Dax acts surprised but now ideas could not escape her mind.
They both get up and leave the bar in search of Tom Paris, who seems to be absent from the party.
On Voyager
Paris is sitting in his quarters watching his viewscreen as "A Briefing With Neelix" comes on.
"Today on A Briefing With Neelix we have a new feature. Here it is!"
Music comes from the viewscreen "They fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight. Fight fight fight, fight fight fight. The Itchy and Scratchy Show"
The episode called Little Barber Shop Of Horrors comes on and after it finishes, Paris laughs with a very childish giggle.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings.
"Come in. Oh, hello ladies. It's Dax right and Deanna Troi. Welcome to my abode. What can I do you for?"
"Well," says Dax. "We've heard rumours that you and Torres are a bit of an item."
"Awwww shucks. Word is out hey?"
"Yes. Problem is, your bird is trying to get off with Worf right now at Quark's" Deanna stirs.
"WHAT?!?!" Paris leaps up in a fit of fury and storms out of the door.
************************************************************************
The Holodeck
"Shut up fool!". Janeway knew it was a bad idea to take Worf's advice on which holo-program to try out. She had hoped to use her own Leonardo Da-Vinci program but unfortunately it was destroyed in an attack by the Borg.
Janeway turned to Hannibal "I have something to confess."
"What's that." Hannibal threw up a cigar and caught it in his mouth.
"I know something that could have great implications on the Federation. But I don't want to let down my crew." Janeway always liked confiding in a holo-character. She had no friends on Voyager. "I have a problem, I believe no-one else can help....."
"Well Babe. You've come to the right place." Face smiled and signalled for BA to pull over to the large garage that was on the left.
"I believe we can help mam." said Hannibal
"But how! You're only holo-deck characters, You are confined to the holo-deck, you can't get out and actually do anything."
"Rubbish. No Holodeck made yet can hold the A-Team, Murdock here even managed to get out once or twice."
"Yeah!" Murdock leaned forward. "I am Mr. Lt. Barcaly." Murdock laughed.
Janeway was now getting increasingly confused.
"But you're all holodeck characters how can you know there is even such thing as a holodeck."
"NOTHING can stop the A-Team" said Hannibal with a large smile on his face.
"Right BA we need three more mobile holoemmiters, it's the only way we're gonna get out of here."
"Sure Hannibal."
Janeway and The A-Team climbed out of the van and walked towards the garage. Face typed in a code into the access panel and climbed through the small hatch that opened.
BA climbed through and turned on the light. A variety of parts for cars, helicopters, washing machines, tanks and missiles were strewn over the four walls.
"Do you reckon you can make three more." Hannibal inquired.
"Yeah! no problems.". BA picked up a drive belt of a washing machine, a few diodes and a 1m length of wire and began.
Janeway looked around in wonder.
"Remarkable!"
Quark's Bar.
Tom Paris ran into Quark's Bar to see a large circle of people around the two Klingons. Who to say the very least were lovingly embraced. The crowd started to clap in unison. Some were cheering, some were laughing. Paris started clawing his way through the crowd, until.
"It's the end of the line Paris.", Chakotay was stood at the entrance to Quark's bar.
"It's time we told the Federation about what's happened."
"No. It's too risky." Paris retorted.
"It's the end of the line Paris." Another Chakotay had appeared at the opposite entrance.
"It's time we got everything out in the open." Janeway was stood at a third entrance along with the A-team, who were all wearing large black armbands which were made of something which looked similar to a washing machine's drive belt?
"How the hell did you get in here!" Sisko shouted. Gul Dukat was standing behind the military man with three of his personal guards.
"Decker." Said Hannibal.
"Dukat." Said Sisko.
"Kira to Sisko."
"Yes Major"
"Ten Cardassian warships have de-cloaked in an attack formation around DS9."
"I didn't know The Cardassians had cloaking devices?"
"Er.. they seem to have."
"What do you want Dukat." Said a rather annoyed Sisko. By now most of the crowd were watching the mayhem around them rather than the two Klingon lovers who were still going hell for leather on the table.
"I want the A-Team." Replied Dukat.
Gul Dukat waved his hand and the A-Team disappeared in a puff of smoke. Everyone gasped.
"What have you done with them!" cried Janeway, who had become increasingly attached to them. Especially that "Face one".
"Don't worry my sweetie. They're perfectly safe where they are now." Dukat whispered.
"At last. I've been chasing them for 400 years. And now this really is the end of the line." Said Decker, who was extremely pleased with himself.
Dukat waved his hand and Decker, the two Chakotay's, the guards and Dukat disappeared in another puff of smoke.
"How the fudge did that happen!" said Picard uncharacteristically.
"Who cares! The question is - Who shot Quark!" shouted O'Brian.
The whole crowd even Torres and Worf gasped a large gasp at seeing Quark slumped over his bar.
"Get him to sick bay!" said Crusher and Bashir at precisely the same time.
"So what, that leaves Dax and Troi in my quarters..... alone." realised Paris.
Everyone in the bar started to climb over the tables and chairs on a direct route to Paris's quarters.
En route to his quarters, people started to join the group of people who were seemingly running aimlessly. As the first hundred people entered the ship Voyager the ship started to give commands.
"Warning. The ship is loosing structural integrity. Too much weight on board."
Despite the warnings the mob carried on entering the ship until nearly the whole of DS9 was on board. In fact only a few people remained aboard DS9, including a half dead Ferengi, Tom Paris, a rather bemused Data and Norm Peterson. As the last people entered Voyager, Tom Paris shut the cargo doors and detached the crippled ship into space.
Tom Paris's quarters
Dax and Troi were extremely tired. An hour of passionate love making seemed enough. And anyway they were in somebody else's quarters. They had one last long kiss, and got changed back into their own uncomfortable uniforms. They sat down at Paris's table and started a game of Rubleis.
Riker knocked down the door to Paris's quarters and looked disappointed.
"Riker what are you doing." cried Troi. "And who are all these people."
"Err.... we thought you were in trouble."
Troi looked at Dax and laughed.
"Far from it."
Riker looked confused. He posed dramatically at the camera
A worried message came from Picard at the bridge.
"We've been disconnected from Deep Space Nine with no power. All our systems have failed. I'm afraid we're........ Lost in Space."
"Oh No!" Riker looks at the camera in an extremely dramatic pose.
A Cardassian prison cell.
"What's the plan Hannibal." All three members looked at Hannibal waiting for him to set out an excellent plan that would let them escape from this prison and undoubtedly save the galaxy.
"I'm not sure. I've never been stuck in an alien prison cell, though there was that one time......."
"Hannibal." Said Face. "This cell is virtually impossible to escape from."
************************************************************************
Just then sound was heard from outside.
"Whhooo whhooo"
"What's that noise" questioned Face.
"It sounds very similar to that talking car that was on television after we left" Hannibal explained.
"Television?" Murdock said. "Oh now I remember. That wasn't television, that was television!"
"Shut up you crazy fool! Hannibal, get this crazy fool away from me!" screamed BA.
"Get down!" Face shouted.
Just then KITT burst through the wall of the cell.
"Hey you crazy fool! You gonna scratch the paint on your car sucka! Hey wait a minute... It's Hasselfool! And his punk talking car! I'm gonna get you sucka!"
"shoot! Get us outta here KITT! Remember what happened last time we tangled with the A-Team! This is Devon's fault. He said we were rescuing the B-Team!"
KITT reversed but BA was in hot pursuit.
"Hey Hasselfool, come back here! I'm gonna get you sucka!"
BA finally caught up with KITT thanks to the power of his modified sneakers. He picked KITT up and threw him 70,000 light years away, right into the heart of Kazon territory in the Delta quadrant.
"Geez that BA is a helluva tough." Michael said in sort of relieved way. He then realises where he was. "KITT, you know where we are? It took Voyager years with all that Federation and Borg technology to get home. What have we got? A top speed of about 200 mph. We're fudged! How the hell do we get home?"
Back at the prison cell
"Well done BA, that was all part of my plan. I love it when a plan comes together."
"Hey Hannibal," BA exclaimed, "You only say that at the end of the episode. We're not even close to that yet."
"Sorry BA, I couldn't help it."
"Mind if we get out of here Hannibal?" asked Murdock.
"Sure why not" said Face. "You take the van and I'll go in the 'Vette.
"Can I go with Face Hannibal please, pretty please, oh please Hannibal, why won't you let me go with Face, Hannibal?"
"Calm down Murdock or BA will kill you" said Hannibal. "Face, Murdock will go with you."
"OK. Lets go and find that Janeway babe again" said Face.
"I agree" said BA "These armband things won't last for long fool!"
Meanwhile, back in the 23rd century......
"She cannae take no more cap'n!" Scotty blurted out across the comm system.
"Scotty, I need more power to the shields! We are taking a beating!"
"Captain, logic suggests a retreat."
"Damn it Spock," cried Kirk, "We can't give up now"
Suddenly a console explodes to the left of Kirk and a guy in a red uniform is badly injured. He is ignored for 5 minutes.
"Bones, we have a casualty on the bridge!"
Dr. McCoy exits the turbolift perfectly after the comm message ends.
"He's dead Jim!"
"Bones, I need him alive!"
"I'm a doctor not a magician Jim!"
"Helm is not wesponding captain" said Chekov.
"Sulu, fire all phasers! That pigeon must not escape again! I'll give you a medal!"
"Sir, the pigeon has escaped us."
"Drat, drat and double drat!"
"he he he he he" grins Spock
Suddenly the ship is thrown from side to side and the crew start jumping around the bridge. The Enterprise (1701, no bloody a, b, c nor d) is thrown bow first into a temporal vortex (i think this vortex will appear a lot!)
DS9
"Hey Quark, how about another beer? Quark? How can you sleep at a time like this? I need beer!" Norm is now getting angry. "Oh i better get it myself"
Data wanders over to the shocked Paris who hasn't moved since the mob ran for his quarters. "Excuse me lieutenant, you seem to be distracted do you not?"
Paris said nothing nor moved.
"Hmmm" Data was increasingly puzzled. "I am talking to myself in a bar with a sort of comatose lieutenant, a nearly dead Ferengi and an overweight man with a beer in his hand. Perhaps my neural net needs a complete diagnostic"
Data enters a state similar to that of Paris.
Back on the promenade
A wormhole suddenly opens and four people fall out.
"Where are we now Mr. Malory?" asks Arturo
"We seem to be.....not on Earth!"
*second ad break*
The Infirmary
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency". This EMH is the same one that was aboard Voyager. He was transferred over for the duration of the stay.
Norm says "I dunno. This orange man with large ears won't get me a beer. I keep trying to wake him but there's something strange here."
"You idiot! This Ferengi is dying!"
"Sorry, but I have no beer!"
Just then Rembrandt walks in.
"Excuse me but would you mind telling me where I am."
"You're in the infirmary." said the doctor. You'll have to wait for treatment as this man is dying..."
"For a beer" interrupted Norm.
Back on Voyager
"I have partial sensors back captain" Kim says.
"Good Mr. Kim. Tuvok, can you tell me where we are?"
"We seem to have drifted 12 light years from DS9. Captain, we are also not alone."
"How so Mr. Tuvok"
"The Cardassian warships have followed us, for a reason I am unsure of and there is also another Federation ship here. Constitution class."
"Put it on the monitor" Janeway exclaimed
Picard enters the conversation "Constitution class. They went out of service nearly a century ago, after the disappearance of the original Enterprise."
"It appears sir that this ship we are seeing is the original Enterprise" Tuvok adds. "They appear to be in distress"
"Hail them" Sisko says.
"No reply"
Back on DS9
An airlock opens and BA's van and Face's corvette drive out onto the promenade.
"I'm sorry but these will have to go in a cargo bay" Odo explains to BA.
"Shut up fool!" BA stamps his authority over Odo.
"Where's that Janeway chick then strange face" asks Face.
"Captain Janeway and most of the population of DS9 were disconnected from the station after you were captured. The only ones left of any significance are myself, major Kira, Tom Paris, Data, an EMH, a dead Ferengi (under his breath "I wish") and a fat man drinking beer."
"We gotta help Mrs. Janeway colonel" says Murdock
"I think so too. I have a plan says Hannibal"
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Caribbean........
"I want that Guybrush Threepwood now Largo!" hollered the pirate LeChuck to his right hand man.
"It's not that easy sir." explains Largo. "He has become a famous pirate now. He has a large following of loyal supporters."
"Let us take the underground tunnel to our hidden base now Largo. We can plan the capture of Threepwood there."
And with those words, LeChuck and Largo open a hidden door and enter a dark tunnel. They re-appear in a black room.
"Get the lights will you Largo"
"Yes sir"
Largo fumbles around for a few minutes trying to find the light switch. After a brief pause, a voice says "Computer, lights"
"Guybrush Threepwood. How are you here?" cries LeChuck.
"No matter. What does matter though is that I've found you're secret case on this space station. Now I will destroy you!"
Guybrush takes out a bottle of root beer from his extremely deep pockets and sprays the contents over LeChuck.
"Ha ha ha. You know that won't work on me you fool!" laughs LeChuck.
"3....2....1....0!" Guybrush counts down and as he reaches zero, the door crashes down and Norm Peterson jumps on LeChuck to retrieve any of the root beer left. In the process, he cripples LeChuck with his immense weight.
Largo rushes to the aid of his master only for Guybrush to pull out his voodoo doll of Largo and stab it until Largo cried for mercy.
"What's going on here?" questions Odo as he walks in through the door.
"We have apprehended some criminals for you constable" said Guybrush.
The Brig
"What a fine mess you two have gotten into" Odo says with a slight chuckle to his voice.
"You will regret this shapeshifter. I have a lot of friends in the Klingon and Romulan empires, not to mention the Cardassians too."
"Is that so." Odo is still amused by the empty threats from LeChuck. Odo leaves the room.
"Largo, do you have the portable transporter device?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. Activate it"
Odo walks back into the room just as LeChuck and Largo de-materialise from the cell.
"Odo to Ops. Are there any ships around the station?"
"Kira here. Sorry constable.... wait, Cardassian de-cloaking, it's firing!"
DS9 takes several high powered phaser blasts from the Cardassian ship, leaving the station almost crippled. A comm signal is sent to DS9
"This is the pirate LeChuck. Give me Guybrush Threepwood or prepare to be destroyed!"
"Fine take him, he's no use to us"
Guybrush de-materialises and then the Cardassian ship cloaks and moves off.
"I think that's the last we will see of them" says Kira.
*Third ad break*
Quarks Bar
The Sliders walk into the bar and see Data and Paris still standing there, motionless.
"What are they up to?" asks Wade.
"I dunno." says Norm who has now taken residence behind the bar in search of beer. "Hey, any of you guys know how to get beer from these things?"
"Let me have a look" says Quinn.
"How long until we slide Quinn?" asks Arturo.
"We have a few days here. Seems a nice enough place."
The A-Team then walk into the bar, the scene of their disappearance earlier.
"We need to get off this station and find that Janeway bird" says Face.
"Firstly, we need to get hold of a ship. BA, how about modifying the van?"
"No Hannibal, not my van fool!"
Data then revives and subsequently starts talking to himself once again.
"Hmm, nothing wrong with my circuit pathways. Excuse me gentlemen, I heard you need a ship."
"Yeah that's right yellow sucka" BA shouts.
"I believe we could take the Defiant or the Enterprise. They are still docked here."
"OK." says Hannibal. "Sounds like a plan!"
Data asks the Sliders to join the crew and then he punches Paris until he moves.
"Mr. Paris, would you like to join our crew?"
"Oh boy, would I!" Paris has had a complete personality change since his what could only be described as deep meditation.
BA grumbles "Not another crazy fool!"
"Data to ops"
"Go ahead Mr. Data"
"Myself, Lieutenant Paris, the A-Team and the Sliders are going to take the Enterprise and try to find Voyager. Would you care to join us?"
"Not right now commander, We're a little busy at the moment. We'll follow in the Defiant in about an hour or two. Kira out"
"Hey Hannibal, you ain't gonna get me on no stupid ship. They like planes an you know I hate planes!"
"Relax BA, have a drink of milk"
Hannibal hands BA a glass of milk. BA drinks it, then keels over, unconscious.
On the Enterprise
"Disengage docking clamps Murdock". Data was acting as the leader much to Hannibal's disgust. Hannibal was first officer with Paris at operations, Face at tactical, Arturo as the doctor and Rembrandt was in Ten Forward serving Norm beer. BA was placed still asleep in the last remaining chair.
"It will take us approximately 12 hours to locate Voyager." Data explained to the crew. "Mr. Malory, and Ms. Wells, I suggest you get some rest until you are needed."
Quinn and Wade headed for the turbolift. Quinn had a look in his eye as he turned to Wade. Wade smiled.
TOS Enterprise
"Spock, where are we?"
"I believe captain the ship was engulfed in an energy vortex and was transported approximately 100 years into the future."
"We're human Spock not scientists." McCoy said. "Give us it in English"
"In English as you say doctor, we are in the future"
"The future Spock?" Jim was having trouble understanding. "Explain Spock."
"I just have captain."
"Enough of this now Spock, give me a visual." Kirk asked.
The viewscreen turns on and Kirk sees the Voyager surrounded by Cardassian warships.
"What's that other ship out there?"
"It appears to be a Starfleet vessel captain"
"Hail them Scotty"
"I cannae cap'n. We have ne enough puwer to send or receive any messages. We can fire all our photon torpedo's and phasers at those nasty looking ships around it though sir"
The Enterprise had been kitted out with millions and millions of backup generators to the weapons arrays at Kirk's order's just before they entered the vortex. Kirk enjoyed a good fight.
"OK Mr. Scott. Fire all weapons!"
The Enterprise fired all weapons at the Cardassian ships and in a huge explosion, they all vanished.
"Well done Mr. Scott!"
Everyone on the bridge started laughing and the picture fades to black.
Voyager
"SHOOT! WHAT THE FUDGE WAS THAT?" screamed Janeway.
"It appears that the Enterprise has destroyed all of the Cardassian ships." Tuvok said trying to comprehend the language Janeway was using.
"I love it when she talks dirty" Chakotay said under his breath.
"Tuvok, take an away team over to the Enterprise. Chief O'Brian, can you get this ship operational?"
"I'll try captain, I'll need some help."
"Take Harry and meet up with Mr. LaForge and B'Elanna in Engineering"
Harry Kim and Chief O'Brian left via the turbolift as Tuvok walked around the bridge asking people to be in his away team. Then he, Riker, Bashir, Dax and Worf left the bridge.
Engineering
"I'm a higher rank than you you fudging shoot pile!"
"I was appointed chief engineer for this ship so back off blind boy!"
"Blind boy! That's the best you can do?"
Torres and Geordi were fighting over who would lead the repair operations. This is why nothing had been repaired yet. O'Brian and Harry walk into Engineering.
"Whoa!" says Harry as he catches Geordi after he was thrown across Engineering by Torres.
A voice is then heard over the comm system.
"Tuvok to Engineering. Please divert all remaining power to the transporter systems"
Harry presses a few buttons and replies "You should have enough power Tuvok"
Transporter Room
"Energize" Riker tells the transporter chief.
Just then the transporter chief goes mad and starts transporting the away team everywhere. Tuvok and Worf end up on the original Enterprise, Dax ends up in the holodeck and Riker and Bashir end up in a Cardassian escape pod and are not alone.
DS9
"OK doctor, you are the most senior officer on the station now." Kira says as she and Odo enter the Defiant.
"Well, don't worry, I'll find out who shot the Ferengi"
The Defiant leaves to join the Enterprise in search of Voyager. The doctor walks off towards the infirmary to check on Quarks condition.
"Respiratory systems OK, brain activity steady, pulse regular. Why is this man in this state?"
Puzzled by Quarks failure to regain consciousness, the doctor begins to search for clues to the would be assassin of Quark
"Computer, create a holographic representation of Sherlock Holmes to assist me in my investigation."
A hologram appears in front of the doctor. "Come doctor, we have no time to lose!"
Holmes runs towards the bar with the doctor in pursuit.
"From these blood stains, I can tell the killer was standing.....there!" Holmes pointed to the balcony where Rom was standing with a phaser rifle aimed at the both of them.
"Put the gun away Ferengi" the doctor said. "We are holograms so you can't hurt us!"
"I will not let you find out that I shot my brother! I want to inherit the bar!"
*forth ad break*
The Delta Quadrant
"Michael, my sensors detect a fleet of ships coming this way." KITT said in a worried voice.
"Give me a visual buddy" Michael says as he tries to get comfortable. KITT's viewscreen makes several beeps and four blue blobs an a green background appear on the screen (he was made in the 80's remember, no sophisticated computer graphics back then!)
"They appear to be on a collision course Michael" KITT gets even more worried.
"They probably don't detect us KITT. We are a small target"
The Kazon fleet approach KITT and crash straight into him.
"Don't worry Michael," panicked KITT "My armor will protect us"
"Let's use this shock wave KITT. Let's try to get a good boost"
Michael presses the red turbo boost button and KITT's speedometer goes off the scale.
"Michael, by my calculations, I believe we are travelling 1500 times the speed of light"
"Thank God for Bonnie!" said Michael. "Without this improved turbo boost, we would never have had a chance of getting home"
"Errr sorry to interrupt Michael, but we're going in the wrong direction."
"What!" Michael hit the brake pedal.
"Michael, the brakes won't work. We have no road remember"
"We really are now lost in space." says Michael
Just then, KITT crashes into a planet.
The Cardassian escape pod
"We have you Federation"
Riker and Bashir were being held prisoner by two Cardassians.
"Fat lotta good it'll do ya" Riker told the Cardassians. "You're trapped in an escape pod with no one here to help you.
"You are mistaken" said the first Cardassian. "Right this second, the Dominion are sending five thousand warships holding one million soldiers through the wormhole to come and get us. We are in an alliance"
"Oh no!" Riker makes another pose at the camera.
TOS Enterprise
Tuvok and Worf materialise on the bridge on the Enterprise. Kirk seems shocked after his ship has been boarded, so he grabs a phaser and fires.
"Please, hold your fire!" shouted Tuvok. "We are a rescue team from the starship Voyager. Our sensors detect your ship is damaged."
"Ay that's right lad." said Scotty.
"I'm lieutenant Tuvok and this is lieutenant commander Worf."
"What species are you?" asked McCoy looking at Worf.
"I am a Klingon! Have you never seen a Klingon before?" Worf seemed angry at the question.
"Not like you! You have a.... forehead!" McCoy replied.
"Fascinating." said Spock.
"Unfortunately, our ship is also in distress." said Tuvok. "Perhaps our crews can work together in an attempt to salvage our ships"
"Good idea" Kirk said.
Tuvok walks over to Spock.
"Mr. Spock, its an honor to meet you. You are a legend among our people"
"Fascinating" said Spock.
"Fascinating" said Tuvok.
"Great!" said McCoy. "Now we have two walking computers on board!"
Kirk started to laugh and soon the whole bridge was laughing except Tuvok and Spock who were looking around, wondering what was so funny. A man walks onto the bridge, serves drinks and the screen fades to black.
Ten Forward on the Enterprise-D
"Another beer Norm?" asks Rembrandt.
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good! Keep em' comin' Remy!"
Just then, Morn walks over to the bar and sits next to Norm.
"You think you know how to sit and drink do you? I know better!" Morn said.
"Is that so!" Norm replied. "Well, I challenge you to a drinking contest. America versus.... wherever you come from!"
"Accepted!" Morn and Norm moved over to a table and Rembrandt brought over two mugs of beer.
"Now" said Rembrandt. "All of the beer must be swallowed from the glass before you are allowed another drink. And the first to fall unconscious, loses!"
Morn and Norm started downing the beer.
The bridge
"Mr. Murdock, set a course 235 mark 192."
"A lead our leader?" Murdock said in an excited voice.
"We have detected a large debris field and two ships approximately 8 light years from our present location."
"Oh goody!" said Paris.
Murdock pressed a few buttons then turned to Paris. They started to play one of those clapping hand games. BA came to.
"AAAHHHH Hannibal! What am I doing on this ship with these crazy fools!"
"Relax BA, have some more milk."
"You can't fool me again Hannibal!" BA said
"OK, OK. Have a burger then BA". Hannibal handed a burger to BA. BA took a bite, and fell asleep once again.
"Mr. Malory to the bridge" Data said.
"On my way" said a voice on the comm system.
Quinn appeared from the turbolift.
"Mr. Malory, we have detected a debris field and we are going to investigate. Would you kindly man the science station."
"Sure thing" said Quinn.
Quinn scanned the area and said "There was a fight here alright! There's one escape pod and... Voyager! There is also another ship"
"Take us in Mr. Murdock" Data said.
DS9: The Habitat ring
Monica sat back in her chair as Chandler walks into the room.
"Have you got any frozen yoghurt. We've run out" Chandler asks.
"Oh sorry" says Monica. "But Phoebe's just had a brake up with a man"
"No yoghurt for a while then". Audience starts laughing at the obvious 'Girl gets dumped, girl eats a lot of frozen yoghurt' gag.
Joey then walks in after Chandler.
"Hey Chandler, where's the yoghurt?"
"Phoebe got dumped" Chandler said.
"Oh, so no yoghurt then" Joey replied. Audience starts laughing again.
Ross and Rachel walk in arguing.
"But we were on a break!" Ross says once more.
"OOOOOOO I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that." Rachel looks in the ice compartment. "Monica, where's the frozen yoghurt?"
"And I'm getting tired of hearing that!" Monica says in a sarcastic fashion. Audience laughs hysterically. Some saxophone music plays and the screen fades.
Quarks bar
Rom had disabled the computer controls for the doctor and had him and Holmes tied to two barstools. He held the phaser rifle at them and said
"You two will never be able to squeal about me having shot my brother, and I will inherit the bar to serve that nice fat man who was here earlier lots and lots of beer. Rule of Acquisition 287 'Don't let family get in the way of a business opportunity'"
"Mr. Rom" the doctor said. "I am familiar with all of the Ferengi rules of Acquisition and that rule doesn't exist. There are only 285 rules"
"My brother invented number 286 so I'm inventing 287"
The doctor sighed.
************************************************************************
"You'll never get away with it Rom!"
Rom laughed "Ha ha ha!"
A planet somewhere in the Daboogle quadrant.
"KITT are you OK." Michael was worried about KITT. He didn't really understand the principle that KITT was a machine.
"Considering I hit the planet at 1500 times the speed of light, I'm feeling fine."
"Let's go an investigate." Said Michael.
Hasselfool couldn't quite put his finger on it but he knew something was wrong. He felt the planet looked almost... plastic!
"Michael. We are getting transmission from space."
"On screen." Michael Knight was starting to understand all this 24th century lingo.
A blocky face appeared on Michael's monitor.
"This is Captain Wesley Crusher of the Federation Starship Xgwetl. Identify yourself?"
"This is Michael Knight."
"Ahh! Mr Knight we've been looking for you!" said Wesley. (he thought he may be able to save the day once again.)
"But what are you doing this far out into space." KITT asked
"For some reason Starfleet wanted me to partake in a program of Deep Space Exploration." Said Wesley. "I would beam you aboard but the atmosphere has some weird disturbances that are impossible to beam through. I can only take a shuttlecraft down. I'll take a shuttlecraft down now OK. I'll be there in a mo."
Michael was startled to see an old man dressed in bright clothing standing around his car. He was accompanied by a small boy and a large robot.
"Hello my dear friend and what brings you to this part of the world. I am Dr Zachary Smith and here are is my counterpart Mr Will Robinson." Said the sychophantic Doctor.
"Don't forget our robot Mr Smith. You should introduce our robot." Said Will.
"Who cares about that bubble headed buoy." Said Dr Smith angrily. He smiled at Michael Knight.
"Pleased to meet your acquaintance." Said a confused Michael
"Danger, Danger Will Robinson!" screamed the robot.
Michael looked to the sky to see a small spacecraft smash to the floor around a kilometre away.
"Come on KITT lets go" Michael said.
"Already on my way Michael." KITT said.
Will, Dr Smith clambered into the car.
The bridge of Enterprise-D
"How long left Mr Malory!" asked a particularly large Arturo.
"Only 5 minutes! Get Wade and Rembrant and get ready to slide."
"We'll be approaching all that mess in around 10 minutes Captain! No 4 minutes. No 2 hours! How do you work this thing!" Murdock started slamming all the buttons. "Ahh! Here it is we reached the wreckage about 30 seconds ago!"
"Like Wow wee" said Paris
"Thank you." Said Data. For once he felt glad he wasn't a human.
"Let's start fishing around in it then." Said Data.
"TIME TO SLIDE!" shouted Quinn. Wade, Rembrant and Arturo stood in line as Quinn started the timer.
Quinn, Wade, Rembrant and Arturo all jumped through the wormhole, but obviously not in that order!
The Sliders fell through a slide of a thousand different colours and landed firmly in Quark's Bar.
"Oh shoot! You have gotta be kidding." Said Quinn.
Phaser blasts started to fire past Quinn's head as the other sliders landed with a bump to the floor. Quinn and Wade managed to hide behind Quark's bar while Arturo and Rembrant managed to escape via the entrance.
A man sitting dressed as an Arab, comes into Quark's Bar via the opposite entrance to where Rembrant and Arturo had run off to. He was a man of average height, American, had a large smile and surprisingly well kept hair.
Rom shouted "What are you doing!"
"Oh I'm sorry!" said the man dressed as an Arab. "I thought they said I could appear in a camel role.
Mr Shandling and the camel trot off stage.
A planet somewhere in the Daboogle quadrant.
KITT and Michael see a happy looking Wesley Crusher standing outside a gleaming shuttlecraft.
"How the hell did you manage that!" KITT remarked.
"I did a project on "how to get out of a definite crash situation" at the academy.
"Wow!"
"I see you have found our friends Dr Smith and Will Robinson. They are slippery customers, I picked up the rest of the Robinson family a few days ago. Dr Smith, Will Robinson, Michael Knight and the KITT car is all I need now." Said Wesley
"What on earth are you talking about you muffle minded Mongol!" retorted Dr Smith.
Wesley pressed a button on a small pad he was holding and the KITT car along with Dr Smith and Will disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Now where's that robot?"
The Enterprise - D
"This is Lt. Cmdr Data of the starship Enterprise, do you require any assistance?"
"Yes! We seem to have a mad transporter chief and an abundance of crew." Replied Janeway
"Well. We could sure do with some crew. We need a Science Officer, An engineer... and someone to run the drinking competition in Ten Forward."
"Consider it done."
129 mango's were transported into one of the Enterprise's cargo bay's unbeknown to Data or anybody else.
"Is there a problem captain. We still don't seem to have any crew!" said Data.
"I'm sorry Mr Data we seem to have a mad man controlling the transporters.". Captain Picard finished his sentence aboard the Enterprise. "Oh hello Mr Data. We seem to have a full complement of crew on board now.
The four? ships started to make their way back towards DS9. Voyager and the ?other ship? Were being pulled by an old plastic looking ship and the Enterprise-D.
DS9
"It's nice to see you baaaaaa...... stop it Odo <Kira regained control> ....back captain. We have set up another briefing room. We seem to have some serious problems."
The Briefing Room
Kira led the three captains, James T Kirk, Captain Jean L Picard and Kathryn Z Janeway into the briefing room. They were greeted by the sight of great names from 20th century TV fiction. Michael Knight, John "Hannibal" Smith, Xena Warrior Princess, Splinter, Buck Rogers and many others too many to mention. They were all sitting around a large oval table. Oh yes! Wesley Crusher was there also.
"I'm sorry but Captain Sisko is "quite busy" at the moment so will not be able to join us" explained Kira. "I'll leave Wesley Crusher to explain our current situation."
"Hello everybody. Glad to see you could all make it here today. As you can see we seem to be in a strange predicament here. On my treks into the Daboogle quadrant I have made some outstanding discoveries concerning a man who lives on a planet named Futunnor. He is a dictator for almost all of the planets in the Daboogle quadrant. He enjoys conquering civilizations in the most embarrassing ways possible. It seems his next task is earth. He has been developing all of the known bad fictional characters from our literature and TV shows. We have here all the cast offs. (Except the A-Team of course). He only wants the evil bad dudes. He hopes Earth will be destroyed by our *own* creations."
"This really is serious news for the Federation. We must contact Starfleet at once." Said Picard
"Shut up you silly, simple shiny top. Never fear Smith is here." Shouted Zachary Smith.
"No. You're going about this all wrong Dr Smith!" argued Buck
"Let's have some peace and quite PLEASE!" shouted Kira. "It's obvious we have a group of people here who cannot work as a team. We must all fight alone against this *man*. We will prevent the invasion from earth. Wesley. How do you propose we get there."
"For a project in the academy I have developed my own transporter device which can transport many light years away. It should get us there, but we may all end up split up over the planet." Explained Wesley
"All right do it." said Picard.
"Shouldn't that be make it so" said the Coco Pops Monkey. But nobody listened.
*fifth ad break*
************************************************************************
The Daboogle Quadrant
"Get me my shoes" grunted Futunnor the dictator. "How will I conquer Earth without them"
A small servant with a large nose with blue dots on it ran off.
"These servants worked much harder in the Dreamstone" bellowed Futunnor.
The evil professor Moriarty, and colonel Decker entered the room and spoke to Futunnor.
"My lord, we have cornered the good guys on an insignificant space station in the Beta quadrant." said Decker.
"Don't underestimate them" said Futunnor. "They have Wesley Crusher leading them. He and I have fought many battles, and he always wins! I'm sick and tired of losing!" Futunnor slammed his fist against a table.
Futunnor pulled down a map of the universe from the wall and started laying little plastic figures all over it.
"We will begin our offensive here. Right at the heart of their civilization."
"Good move sir" Decker said.
"Be quiet! I call the shots around here. Move your troops in at this point and wait for further instructions."
The Delta quadrant
"Very well your excellency" said Gul Dukat to the founders.
The invasion fleet of Jem'Hadar and Cardassians was about to leave to start their promised attack on the Federation when a vortex opened in space.
"What is that?" questioned Dukat.
The fleet from the Daboogle quadrant emerged and held position by the Cardassian/Dominion fleet.
"Unidentified fleet. We are the Cardassians. Please stand down and withdraw."
The lead ship commanded by Decker sent out an energy pulse and nearly destroyed Dukat's ship.
"YOU will withdraw. We are here to destroy Earth."
"What a co-incidence, we are also on our way to destroy the puny Earthlings. I suggest we collaborate ideas over a nice mug o' grog."
Decker's ship powered down and Decker beamed over to Dukat's ship to discuss battle strategies.
In a galaxy far far away.........
"I sense a great disturbance in the force" Obi-Wan said in a concerned voice.
"Was is it Ben?" asked Luke.
"I believe there may be trouble brewing. Luke, there is something you need to know."
"Tell me Ben" Luke asked.
"When I was a powerful Jedi Knight, there was a squad of Jedi trained for a special mission to another galaxy. Your uncle Jack was among these men. He was a very powerful Jedi and he led the Knights to a great victory. He met a woman though and decided to remain in this galaxy. He had a son but shortly after, he died. Your uncle Jack's wife was left to raise their son. I have heard stories about him developing super mind powers which could mean he has mastered the force. He is in danger. We must help."
"We will need a ship Ben. How about calling in a few friends?"
"Just what I had in mind" said Obi-Wan. "I'll get on the communicator"
The Honeymoon suite, New Alderaan
Leia and Han were enjoying themselves after their marriage.
"Obi-Wan! It's so good to see you! What can we do for you?"
"Leia, we need you and Han's help. We need the Falcon to help save your uncle Jack's son fight in a battle he may lose."
"Of course Obi-Wan. We will be there to pick up Luke, you and Chewie as soon as possible."
"Do you know where Lando is?" Obi-Wan asked Leia.
"Last I heard he was back at Cloud City. I think we should stop by and ask him to join us. What about Wedge?"
"He's here. He'll come with us too. See you soon. Obi-Wan out"
Leia and Han got dressed and ran to the Millennium Falcon. They took off, and sped away.
DS9
Unbeknown to everyone in the briefing room, Rom had now constructed a small prison in Quarks bar. He held the doctor, Holmes, Quinn and Wade in it.
"Now, when I've finished with you all, I will inherit the bar and make millions of bars of latinum!"
"You'll never get away with it Rom!" exclaimed Holmes.
"You think you are so smart hu-man don't you! Ferengi are smarter!"
The conference room
Kira was trying to keep the disorganized heroes of 20th century television from arguing when Arturo and Remy ran in through the door.
"Quick help!" shouted Remy. "Some orange man has taken our friends captive and is shooting at everyone!"
"Orange man?" thought Sisko.
"He must mean Rom as Quark is still unconscious" said Bashir.
"Odo, you and Worf had better sort this out" said Sisko.
"Mind if I tag along?" asked Kirk. He loved a good fight.
"Sure, why not" said Odo in an annoyed voice, almost as if he didn't want Kirk there......
Quarks
"Its the end of the line Rom" said Worf. He turned towards Odo and said "I've always wanted to say that!"
"You'll never take me alive Klingon!" Rom shouted back.
Rom turned towards the prisoners. While his back was turned, Odo turned into a puddle and slid under the door. While on his travel under the door, Odo ran into another puddle. The two puddles mixed and Odo re-metamorphed and there stood a half Odo, half Alex Mack freak in the middle of the bar!
"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Rom as he took the freak prisoner to.
Just then Riker walked into camera shot and said "Oh No!". He made a dramatic pose at the camera.
Ten Forward
"Guinan, more beer!" Norm shouted.
Guinan was rushed off of her feet carrying beer over to the table where Norm and Morn were sat.
"Haven't you two had enough yet?" asked Guinan.
"Just getting warmed up" said Norm.
"You've been at this for hours and your only warming up! You must spend your whole life drinking"
"Pretty much" said Norm.
*sixth ad break*
************************************************************************
Rom's Bar
Riker dived out of the way of a phaser burst as Kirk hit Rom cleanly on the nose. Odo Mack stood motionless still extremely confused about what had just happened. Worf ran up behind Rom and began pulling Rom's ears. To Worf's surprise they snapped off. Rom fell to the ground and crumbled.
Riker posed dramatically towards the camera and said "I don't believe it, Rom was a gingerbread man all along!"
Kirk released the prisoners. He noticed Wade. A fine specimen of a 20th century woman, he thought.
"Are you all right Odo" said Worf
"I think the only way I'm gonna get fixed is to go back to the Great Link"
Riker posed dramatically towards the camera.
Sisko and Kira walked into the bar.
"I believe this warrants another meaningless trip into the Gamma Quadrant" said Sisko
"Agreed captain"
Futunnor's "ready-room"
"Hahahahahaha" laughed Futonoor. "There is no way The Federation will be able to stop us. We have the firepower. Imperial Cruisers, The Jem-hadar, The Cardassians, Ming and the Technodrome. WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE."
The Planet Earth, Manchester, England 1986
"Oh Mum. But the competition is tomorrow." Cried Johnny Briggs.
"No" I've said already. "I need the cooker for Aunt Mary's Christmas pudding"
"The twins are bound to win now!"
Just then a swarm of robotic scorpions flew past the kitchen window, destroying everything in sight.
The Klingon Homeworld, 1986.
Dagracht, (the great Klingon warrior of old, probably Worf's great, great, great.... Grandad or something, just to make it more complex.) was slaying peasants in a small village. He ran into a small inn that was stood at the side of the road. As he walked through the door he could hear strange music. He pushed the saloon doors open and the music was shut off. All of the Red Indians put down their drinks and stared at the Klingon warrior who was standing, looking somewhat confused at the door. Dagracht looked like a medieval Rambo.
Dagracht looked around the room and said "Mana, Mana."
Two small red Indians popped up from under the bar and said "Da-da-da-DaDa"
Dagracht: "Mana, Mana."
Dagracht closed his eyes in joy as the wonderful sounds of Mana Mana drifted around the bar. His guard was dropped. Thousands of robotic scorpions mauled Dagracht to a most honourable death.
DS9 - Back in the conference room.
"So ladies, gentlemen." Started Wesley Crusher
"AND ANDROIDS" shouted Data. Mr Data stormed out of the room in disgust.
"May I continue. It has been brought to our attention that Earth is being invaded in the past."
"1986." Added Obi-Wan.
".... In 1986. The only plan of action we can see is to send all of us back to early 1986 and prevent the invasion of earth, before it happens. Any questions" said Wesley
"Yes Mr Crusher. How the hell do you propose we go back in time." Said Harry Kim. But no-one listened.
"How the do you propose we go back in time?" said B'Ellana Torres.
"It's simple really. I made a time machine for a project in the Academy." Replied Wesley
"Great Scott!" said a man with white hair.
"I feel that my time machine will be able to fit around 40 people in it. Enough for the crews of Voyager, The New Enterprise and The Old Enterprise. The DS9 crew will come as well, I suggest that Odo go with Chief O'Brian in a runabout."
"This sure is a risky plan. Do you think Starfleet will approve?" said Picard.
"Ahhhh! They'll never find out!"
************************************************************************
"But what about the rest of us?" cried the remaining members of 20th century TV and film.
"I have a cunning plan" said a small dirty man.
"Enough Baldrick. Your cunning plans are about as useless as using footpump to blow up a bouncy castle!"
"Hey Doc" said Marty McFly. "How's about hooking up a couple of carriages to your train"
"Marty, I didn't invent the time machine to alter history. I invented the time machine to travel through time!"
"Yeah but Doc, it hasn't occurred yet. What harm could it do?"
"I estimate the odds of an away team causing a disruption in the past to be very remote. I believe we can do it safely" said Data.
Just then red alert sounds.
"Lieutenant Hopps to Captain Sisko. We have a strange sub space anomaly off upper pylon 3."
"Thank you lieutenant. I'm on my way."
Ops
"So what is it?" said the Cat.
"I've never seen one before, no one has, but I'm guessing its a white hole." said Kryten.
"A white hole?"
"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe, a white hole returns it." Kryten explains.
"Is that thing spewing time back into the universe?" Lister questions.
"Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board."
"So what is it?" said the Cat.
"I've never seen one before, no one has, but I'm guessing its a white hole." said Kryten.
"A white hole?"
"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe, a white hole returns it." Kryten explains.
"Is that thing spewing time back into the universe?" Lister questions.
"Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board."
"What time phenomenon?" asks Lister.
"Like just then when time repeated itself."
"So what is it?...........Only joking!" said the Cat.
"So its decided then, we consult the computer" says Lister.
"Hey, I missed a discussion" said the Cat.
"We all did" Rimmer says.
"Time is occurring in random pockets, the laws of causality no longer apply, an action no longer leads to a consequence." Kryten explains again.
"So what is it?" says the Cat.
"I think we've experienced that moment in time before sir"
"Only joking!" the Cat says.
"And that one. Since the laws of causality no longer apply I think we can get out of this if we concentrate." Kryten says.
"Look the only way to get out of this is to consult the computer" says Rimmer.
"I'll go with that" says the Cat.
"Gets my vote" Kryten said.
"So its decided then, we consult the computer" says Lister.
"Ahhh. I think we've just encountered the middle of this discussion." Kryten says.
"So what is it?" says the Cat.
"Oh someone punch him out!" Lister shouts.
"Computer" says Kryten "How can we stop the white hole?"
"Alright dudes!" says the computer.
"Computer?" Kryten says. Everyone in Ops looks at Kryten with puzzled looks on their faces.
(Man) Holly's face then appears on the viewscreen.
"Hello there" says Holly. "I thought I'd take over the computer. I may not be as smart but I can provide better jokes!"
"Hello Holly" says Kryten. "How do we stop the white hole?"
"That's easy...errrr....oh yeah. Just put a plug in it. I suggest using..."
Holly is cut off in mid sentence by Captain Picard.
"I know what we can use. Captain Sisko, could I borrow a runabout."
"Sure. What do you intend to do with it?" questioned Sisko.
"I intend to send a certain resourceful young Wesley out for a trip to fill a hole."
All of Ops erupts in evil laughter as Wesley steps off of the turbolift.
"Ahh Wesley, I need you to do a favour for me. Take the Orinoco and investigate that white hole off upper pylon 3 for me please. I want you to get as close as possible and under no circumstances do you pull away. You could crash into the pylon. Remember your academy incident."
"Yes sir" Wesley walked back to the turbolift and descended.
A few moments later.....
"Crusher to Ops. I'm being pulled in!"
"Finally I have rid myself of that fudging kid. He will no longer save the day!" said Picard.
Just then a large explosion was seen on the viewscreen as the runabout went into the white hole. The white hole collapsed and a great cheer was heard around Ops. Not because the hole was collapsed but because Wesley Crusher was gone.
"Crusher to Ops. I managed to activate my emergency transporter and I ended up on the promenade."
"FUDGING HELL!" screamed Picard. "Now what the fudge will we do with that shoot of a kid."
"Jean-Luc, I'm leaving the station in your command until I return from the Gamma quadrant. I have to visit the great link with Odo to help him out. I will take my crew and the Defiant." said Sisko.
"Good look Ben" said Picard.
"Sisko to Infirmary."
"Crusher here."
"Please inform doctor Bashir to meet me at the Defiant and instruct him to bring Odo."
"Yes sir. Crusher out."
Sisko, O'Brian, Kira, Dax, and Worf all left Ops leaving Picard in charge.
A few moments later...
"Sisko to Ops. Are we clear for launch?"
"All clear Defiant." said Picard. "Hurry back, we have a mission to accomplish."
Just then a communication came in.
"Riker to DS9. Do you read?"
"Will? Is that you?" asked Picard.
"Yes captain. Doctor Bashir and myself are stranded in an escape pod where we found Voyager adrift. I'm afraid we had to kill the Cardassians in here with us. I was wondering when we going to get rescued?"
"Will, you are on board DS9 and doctor Bashir is on his way to the Gamma quadrant."
"Captain, they must be changelings. The Cardassians told us of an imminent attack by the Cardassian and Dominion forces on the Alpha quadrant."
"Oh no" said Picard. "We have no one here to take care of it."
"Excuse me captain, but could we be of any help?" said Janeway pointing to the Voyager crew and the original Enterprise crew tucked away in a little corner of Ops.
"JESUS CHRIST!" said Picard. "Don't sneak up on people like that! You could have given me a fake heart attack" [NOTE: Remember Picard has an artificial heart].
"Sorry captain, but I have a suggestion" said Janeway. "I'll take my crew with Voyager and patrol this sector looking out for any Cardassian/Dominion activity."
"Good idea." said Picard.
"What about us" said Kirk.
"I'll need someone to apprehend the changeling Will Riker and I'll need someone to chase after the Defiant."
"Don't worry Picard," said Kirk. "I'll send Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and Uhura and the Defiant in the Rio Grande. Spock, McCoy and I will take care of Will Riker."
"I'll send Data to get the real commander Riker and doctor Bashir in the Ganges." said Picard.
"That only leaves you, Mr. LaForge, Counsellor Troi and doctor Crusher to defend the entire station if it is attacked." said Janeway.
"No it won't." said Hannibal as he stepped of the turbolift. "The A-Team and everyone else from the 20th century can help."
"OK looks like a plan" said Picard.
"Wesley Crusher to Captain Picard" the intercom says.
"Go ahead Wesley." said Picard.
"I'm conducting a very dangerous time travel experiment for our forthcoming mission. Could you spare anyone to help?"
"Unfortunately not Wesley." Picard out.
Meanwhile in the Gamma quadrant....
"Futunnor, we are ready to travel back in time to take over the earth." said colonel Decker.
"Alright lets go!" said Futunoor. "Move out!"
On that command, the fleet of ships including the Cardassians, Dominion, Imperial starcruisers and the ships from the Daboogle quadrant all sped of and disappeared!
1986: Berlin
"Zer are many many ships in ze sky!" cried the German public as they ran for their lives.
The ships set down in downtown Berlin, destroying most of the city.
Futunnor stepped of his ship and said "Bring me the remains of the great one!"
His small blue dotty nosed slaves ran off to retrieve the great ones remains.
************************************************************************
Present Day? DS9 - Wesley's "Workshop"
The day sure had been a long one. It started thousands of millions of miles away in the Gamma Quadrant rescuing celebrities from a small rocky body. It was ending here on a space station orbiting the planet Bajor. If he had been anybody else other than Captain Wesley Crusher no-one would have believed him. Wesley was pushing, pulling, twiddling, fiddling and fudging about with the controls on what he called the "Krebstar 10000 Time Traveller". The lights were on low, to stop the Integrated Onoro Chips from melting, hell those chips often fudged up, shootty Japanese technology he thought racistly. Although he made himself believe he turned the lights low to stop chip exposure, the real reason was because the damn things wouldn't work. They had been overridden by an external force... somehow.
Wesley Crusher as usual was totally engrossed in his work. Thinking about anything else may have lead to a cold sweat - Leading to eventual death - The mere sight of a monopoly board or pickup sticks would have sent him into spasm. Gee! He loved his work! By golly he loved the good ole United States of America. Wes was so devoured by his work he didn't notice the silhouette of a bald man step up behind him and smack him cleanly over the head with an iron. The crippled body of Wesley Crusher fell on the controls sending him into a dream, a long dark dream, that would change the way that Wesley lives his life.
Wesley Crusher awoke on a large bed. Hands and legs tied down onto the edges of the bed. He realised that he was totally naked and that the room... or was it a room. He couldn't see any of the walls. He was enveloped in darkness.
Wesley thought he had been there for hours. But perhaps that is because watches don't work in the limboland that is our souls. It was at this moment that a large light shone just 20cm away from his face. It was a snooker table. He was tied down to a snooker table! The green beige sure was itchy and when he found out who was running this joint he was DEFINITELY gonna try and get his money back.
It was his mother that had put in the dime to switch on the light above him. But it wasn't his mother it was someone else, surely. This woman was younger. The ginger hair was there and the facial features but something was wrong. He sensed the presence of a second person above his head. It was a man, the man looked a little older than his fake mom and he had long curly hair, though he did feel he recognised him, he sensed that he had seen the man some time before in his short but quite outstanding life.
Then there was nothing again. He felt as if he was moving extremely fast, though he didn't know what towards. Flashes of distant memories flew past his face, some he recognised others he shunned. Tom Paris, Eggplants, Wham's farewell concert, Red Indians, a small bug, three average sized Scottish towns and the faces of his mother and a naval officer. Enough to disturb any little boy.
*seventh ad break*
The Habitat Ring - DS9
In order to boost Friends ratings in the 24th century the character of Chandler is to be played by a horse.
Joey: I have no job as I'm an actor and there's no work around. What do you think Chandler.
Chandler: neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Rachel: Oh No! Shampoo. Stress out. I'm so mad at Rossy. Yeah I am.
Joey: Yeah well you have wonderful breasts. <Rachel looks stunned>
Ross: Well they do say she gets paid $100,000 dollars per SHOW.
Chandler: neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Monica: How can you say that! Aren't me and Phoebe good looking enough for you?
Joey: Well yeah! Phoebe's definitely the best looking one of the three of you!
Ross: What!
Joey: Well I figured while everyone's fighting over Monica and Rachel I'd have Phoebe to myself.
Chandler: neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Wesley's mind
Wesley was now coming to the end of his "mind tunnel". A small glint of light in the distance became a medium sized glint of light and then a large glint of light. He fell into the void and became unconscious.
When he awoke he was lying on the floor of only what could be described as some sort of bridge in a spacecraft. The whole room shook, metal pylons fell around him. He tried to get to his feet, it was only then that he noticed he had a large space-suit on. Along with an extremely heavy mask which made it hard to breathe.
Jean Luc Picard stood over Wesley Crusher and brought down the iron. Wes rolled out of the way and the iron smashed against the hard floor. Wesley retaliated with his own iron by holding the plug of the iron and swinging it around his head like a lasso. Wes swung the iron at Picard's head. A Clean Hit. Picard fell down and a moment of realisation struck him.
"Picard. You are my father!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Wesley awoke to find himself trapped in the past. Well trapped in a toilet. He tried the voice activated controls, no good. He noticed that he could get out of these bizarre toilets by climbing over the top. He did this with great agility and landed on the tiled floor the other side of his prison. He got up and looked in the mirror. It wasn't him. It looked like a man aged 30-35 with long sideboards and a strange smirk.
DS9 - Wesley's workshop.
Picard was shocked to find Elvis Presley re-appear where Wesley had just been. How was he going to explain all this to the others. He would never get away with it. He'd find himself in the brig with only Neelix's cooking to look forward to.
Picard pushed Elvis out of the way and started to fiddle with the controls. Just as a security team arrived Picard had disappeared into the past, leaving the body of Adolf Hitler.
"My God!" said a man in a red jumper. "Picard grew sideburns and Wesley grew a moustache!"
The Habitat Ring - DS9
Due to bad ratings for Friends in the 24th Century a new character is added called Mr Macaroni.
Mr Macaroni: Hi Gang!
Everyone else: Hi!
Chandler: neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Mr Macaroni: Look I bought a hacksaw.
Phoebe: Wow! That is soooo cool.
Mr Macaroni: Yes. It is.
<Mr Macaroni cuts off one leg of the chair Joey was sitting on. Joey falls backwards.>
Chandler: neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Joey: Hey no fair.
1986: Berlin
"Master. We cannot find his remains!"
"What! All our calculations said that Jimmy Ray's remains should be here!"
shouted Futunnor. "What year is this!"
"2055 Master."
"Oy German. What is the year!"
"Errr. Nineteen Eighvty Svix."
"You stupid fool! You've taken us to the wrong year! Men get back in the ship. But not you! You're staying here."
Futonoor and his men got back into the spaceships and zoomed into the future.
Berlin: 2055.
"Haha! This time we'll get the remains." Said Futonoor.
"You'd better be right! I need to get my hands on the A-Team." Said Colonel Decker.
"Master. His remains don't seem to be here." Said one of the Cardassians.
"What!" shouted Futonoor.
Futonoor heard an old man laughing. He looked around the corner and found the old man in question.
The old man had a larger nose than most Germans. Looked far more like he belonged in a cartoon and was covered in blue spots.
"You fudging bastard! Where are the remains." Cried Futonoor.
"I destroyed them two years ago!"
"shoot! Everybody get back in the ship. We're going back in time to get this IDIOT!"
Futonoor and his clan finally did get the remains of the late, great singer Jimmy Ray. But not for a long time.
The Starship Voyager.
"Give me some readings on that spacial anomaly." Said Cap. Janeway.
"It's really big and it's red." Said Harry Kim.
"I want a visual Harry." says Janeway.
"Something is emerging Captain." Harry said. "We are being hailed."
"On screen." says Chakotay.
"Federation ship. This is the official message beacon of the empire of Futunnor. We have to inform you that the Cardassians and the Dominion have joined our cause to destroy Earth. This message will self destruct."
The message terminates and the screen shows stars once again.
Janeway says under her breath "Don't worry Futunnor. We are always on duty. Harry use the tractor beam to push that now time bomb away from the ship."
"Yes ma'am." said Harry. He presses a few buttons and the message beacon drifts towards an unidentified ship undetectable by Voyagers sensors.
The unidentified ship
"Ahhhh its nice to finally get away from Gadget and his exploding messages." said Chief Quimby as he sat back in his chair to relax.
Just then his ship explodes on contact with the message beacon.
Voyager
"Mr. Paris, set course back to DS9. We need to report this to the others." said Janeway.
DS9
"Welcome back sir" said LaForge as Riker, Bashir and Data entered Ops.
"What's the situation Geordi?" asked Riker.
"We have to go back in time to stop the destruction of earth and repel a Cardassian and Dominion invasion. Just the usual"
"That easy hey" Riker jokes towards the camera with a somewhat shocked expression.
"Where is everyone?" said Bashir.
"Voyager is out on patrol, the Defiant has gone to the gamma quadrant and everyone else is scattered around the station, trying to keep it operational, and captain Picard and Wesley have disappeared and we have Hitler and Elvis in place of them." said Geordi.
"Good lord!" said Bashir. "What do we do now?"
"There's nothing we can do" said Riker making a dramatic pose at the camera as a crescendo of music builds adding extra tension.
On the docking ring somewhere...
"Bones, how do you think we should find this changeling then?" said Kirk.
"Captain, the chances of us finding the changeling in question are very slim indeed." said Spock.
"Oh don't be so negative you green blooded pointy eared moron!" said McCoy.
"I was only pointing out that we will most probably not catch the alien being pretending to be commander Riker." said Spock.
Kirk starts to chuckle because of the argument between his two friends. Kirk looks down and sees a trail of crumbs leading to a door on the left.
"Spock, what do you make of this?" said Kirk.
"It appears to be some sort of food." Spock says. He bends down and picks some up. "It consists of flour, eggs, water and a substance I am unfamiliar with."
McCoy tastes the crumbs. "That's gingerbread you fool!"
"Wasn't that Ferengi in the bar made of gingerbread?" said Kirk.
"I believe so captain." Said Spock.
Kirk walked up to the door and pressed a control pad to open it. When the door opened, Kirk witnessed a strange site. There was Riker sitting on a crate eating Rom's arm.
"Get him!" shouted Kirk as he rushed forward in an attempt to capture the changeling.
"That would be a highly illogical move captain." said Spock.
"Shut up and grab him" said McCoy as he ran after Kirk.
Spock stood his ground and watched Kirk and McCoy jump on the changeling and fall straight through its body as it morphed. He got hold of his phaser and disabled the changeling.
Earth - 1950's
"What is going on here?" thought Wesley as he stared at Elvis' reflection in the mirror.
"Elvis? Is that you?" called a voice from the neighboring room.
"Elvis?" thought Wesley. "Now I remember! We learnt about Elvis at the academy! I did a project on his work!"
"Elvis Aaron Presley you talk to your mother when she talk to you you hear me!"
"Sorry mom." said Wesley. "I've got to find a way back home." he thought to himself.
Wesley picked up a book of history and as he looked at it, he was shocked to find that a picture of captain Picard was next to a description of Hitler. "Fudge me I'm Hitler" thought Wesley. "That was his most famous phrase".
Meanwhile in 1940's Germany...
"What the devil....." shouted Picard as he gazed upon 10,000 people saluting him in a strange way.
Picard recognized the salute as the Nazi salute from the World War II.
"FUDGE ME I'M HITLER!" screamed Picard.
"FUDGE ME I'M HITLER!" shouted the 10,000 Nazis in attendance.
"It's just a dream, it's just a dream".
Picard shut his eyes and tried to wake up but to no avail.
The Habitat Ring - DS9
Due to budget cutbacks, Phoebe is to be played by a parrot.
"What are you guys doing in my apartment?" said Monica as she walked in to see Joey and Ross sitting on the sofa.
"We have no where else to go." said Ross.
"Yeah, Chandler the horse and Phoebe the parrot are at war in my apartment."
"Well sort it out" said Monica.
Rachel walks in with her boss in tow.
"Any of you guys seen Chandler? My boss wants to go out with him again." said Rachel.
"Doesn't she know he's a horse?" said Joey. The audience burst into hysterics.
"Oh yeah. I'm so sorry. It just slipped my mind." said Rachel.
"Slipped your mind!" exclaimed her boss (who shall remain anonymous, no scrap that, we'll call her Mrs. Davis for arguments sake) "How can someone change into a horse and it slip your mind!" The audience continue the hysterical act.
"Hi everybody!" said a voice.
"Hi doctor Nick!" said the audience.
"Did I hear someone say they had turned into a horse? I'll perform a correction operation for only $129.95." said Dr. Nick.
"I don't know" said Ross. "We'll have to think it over."
The Infirmary
"Doctor! Doctor! Where am I?" said Quark as he regained conscienceness.
The slender body of doctor Beverly attended the helpless Ferengi.
"Whoa doctor Bashir! You've lost some weight, and grown breasts!" said Quark.
"Relax Quark. I'm doctor Crusher."
"I know who you are. I'm just making pleasant conversation." said Quark.
Some people in the doorway chuckled and walked off. Who they were? Nobody knows.
"Could you get up and walk this way Quark" said Crusher as she seemed to glide across the floor to the other side of the room.
"But if I walk that way I'll...." Quark was interrupted in mid sentence by a glaring look from Beverly.
"You need a new toe Quark. One of them fell of during surgery."
"Ahhhhhhh!" screamed Quark as he looked down to discover he was missing a toe.
Michael Jordan walked into the infirmary holding his shoulder. The audience start clapping and screaming loudly as the appearance of a well known sport star always has this effect on a show like this (Don't you watch Hangin' With Mr. Cooper?).
"What is it Michael?" said Beverly.
"It's my arm. I didn't warm up properly before I started to play" said Jordan. "Remember kids, warm up and avoid injury!"
"What about my toe" said Quark.
Screen fades.
*eighth ad break*
************************************************************************
The 1700s at sea
The Red Herring had been at sea for days. Specially commissioned by King Bungle III of Amsterdam the ship was being sent to New Vijjoen in the New World. King Bungle had refused to tell the captain (or any of the mainly cockney crew) that Colonel Belding of the "mostly Llama but sometimes pasty party" was on board.
Colonel Belding (ancestor of the immortal "Mr Belding") was on the Red Herring to investigate a spate of murders at sea. It hadn't gone unnoticed that many ships captains had disappeared in a large puff of smoke. Ghosts? Vampires? Demons? Lemons? Melons? Pasty faced criminals? All were distinct possibilities. Well they were to Colonel Belding who had disguised himself (rather excellently it could be said) as a large apricot. It was a bad disguise as most of the (mainly cockney) crew were dressed as Zulu warriors and Zulus generally (as is written in many fine publications), have no interest in apricots whatsoever. Zulus aren't allergic to apricots, they do not hate apricots, apricots aren't sacred and anyway apricots are an Eastern fruit. This allowed Col. Belding to hide brilliantly behind the large crates of red cabbage that the boat was delivering.
2nd Apricot, sorry 2nd April 1702
Enlisted the help of a young girl today. She is a stowaway. The girl is from Ireland, a small town called Newton. Her only wish is to make a new life in the new world. I was surprised at her, I thought the Irish were just stupid people who had an obsession with potatoes, but she is more than that. The seeds of suspicion are in her, like Bungle she knows something is afoot in the seas.
Although I believe her to be good, there is an edge to her. Something I can't explain. She is something more than a simple Irish girl.
3rd April 1702
Told Jeri. That's her name y'know. The joke about the Irishman who flew to the sun at night as its "too hot in the day". Ha! Chucklesome! Unfortunately she hit me. NOT chucklesome! I didn't really expect her to understand my joke. She believes in the outdated. "The world is flat!" and "The moon is a spherical body and not just a large rusk!" The nagging thought still remains, what is it about Jeri that makes her different.
4th April
Really starting to get along with Jeri. She really is hot! We managed to sneak into the captains quarters. What a mess! Clotted cream everywhere. Couldn't see a darn thing. Cream in books, cream in drawers, cream on his angry face. We were caught. Said we'd just taken a wrong turning. He said OK. He and the girl looked embarrassed, perhaps we caught them at an awkward time!
5th April
Tried to get Jeri to sneak off with me to the stores. I only got a strange look and the words "What are you like! We've got work to do!".
6th April
Made a pass at Jeri. I was right there is something more about her! She's a He.
DS9 - Sisko's office
"I sense a great disturbance in the force!"
The men in white coats were trying to drag Obi-Wan Kenobi from Captain Sisko's room.
"DS9 is in danger I tell you. I sense a great disturbance in the force! DS9 is in danger. Listen to me you fools. We'll all be killed!"
Obi-Wan is dragged into the brig as a large armada de-cloaks in front of DS9. Unprepared for the attack the shields were left down. Hundreds of the bad guys beam over to DS9 with only celebrities from TV shows there to save it.
DS9 - The Promenade.
"Marty! My new invention!" said Doc
"Wow Doc! You've built a time machine out of a Delorean! Not really an original idea is it?"
"I got the parts from some Cardassian nationalists. I said I'd change the plutonium I needed for a bomb. All I gave them was pinball machine parts!"
A large van swerves around the corner and heads straight towards Doc.
"Oh My God, they've found me. I don't know how but they found me. Run for it Marty!" Doc cried
"Who! Who!" shouted Marty
"Who do you think! The Cardassians!"
************************************************************************
"Holy shoot!" said Marty.
The van starts shooting at Doc, Killing him.
"Noooo!" screams Marty. The Cardassian Nationalists begin shooting at him. Marty dives into the Delorean and a chase ensues on the promenade.
Suddenly in a flash of light, the Delorean disappears leaving two fire trails in its wake. The Cardassian van crashes into a wooden stand in the middle of the promenade.
(Let's skip the Back To The Future story, except for the Mr. Sandman music that's playing. Marty eventually gets home with an idea).
A little while later
Doc has been shot but then regains conscienceness.
"Doc, I never got the chance to tell you"
Doc hands Marty a letter badly selotaped together.
"What about all that talk about messing up future events and the space time continuum?" said Marty.
"I figured, what the hell" said Doc.
"Listen Doc I have an idea about getting those Starfleet people back" said Marty.
"Go ahead Marty" said Doc.
"We'll use the Delorean to take Hitler and Elvis back to their time and bring back those Starfleet people." Explained Marty.
"Wow Marty," said Doc. "Y'know, when you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything" said Doc.
"Ahh geez" said Marty.
Doc and Marty climb into the Delorean and disappear (Firstly into the future to get a hover conversion and warp drive fitted. They then come back, grab the history celebrities and exchange them for the 24th century people.)
"Thank you very much" said Picard as he steeped out of the Delorean. "That re-entry is a bit bumpy though".
"I invent time travel and all you can say is that it was a bit bumpy!" said Doc, disgusted by the comment.
"I should shut off that Quantum Leap experiment I discovered while studying at the academy before Hitler begins leaping around history" said Wesley.
Just then the Cardassian van re-appeared and started shooting everywhere.
"Quick, run for it Marty" screamed Doc.
This time the Cardassians left the Doc and Marty alone and went for Wesley Crusher. He was shot several times in the head and chest before collapsing to the ground. The van disappeared in a puff of red smoke leaving only a piece of swiss cheese on the floor and the bloody body of Wesley Crusher.
Picard ran over to Wesley's broken body and cried for joy.
"Don't cry captain" said a weak voice. It was Wesley.
"BOLLOCKS!" shouted Picard.
"It's just a flesh wound, in fact, I'm feeling quite alright." Wesley rose to his feet. "I better get to sick bay and have this checked out"
Wesley walked off.
"How did he not die?" said Marty.
"He obviously did something to his body when he was at the academy to make it impervious to gunshot wounds" said Doc.
"I better get to Ops" said Picard.
Ops
Strangely enough, Ops was the only place that was boarded by an unknown race of bad guys (Who will be called 'bad guys'). Even stranger is that there is only one bad guy holding all of Ops at bay with a hand revolver. The other bad guys had disappeared in a puff of blue smoke as soon as they materialized.
Just then an old style door opens and Picard walks through, knocking the 'bad guy' over. He is then piled by everyone in the room except Riker.
"How did you get back sir?" questioned Riker.
"Long story number one. You can read my report." Said Picard. "Dr. Crusher" said Picard as he tapped his comm badge.
"Crusher here." Said Beverly
"How's Wesley?" said Picard.
"Despite his injuries, he will live"
"shoot" thought Picard. "Can you come to Sisko's office as soon as you're done" said Picard.
"Yes sir. Crusher out"
Picard gave a wry smile and walked into the office. Riker seeing this grin made a not so dramatic smirk into the camera.
Gamma Quadrant
"USS Defiant. This is the USS Rio Grande, please respond" Uhura said over the comm channel. "It's no use Scotty, we're not in range."
"Get us into range Mr Sulu. Maximum warp" said Scotty.
"Ay sir" said Sulu.
"What will we do when we wind zem Scotty" said Chekov in his usual Russian accent.
"We will have to stop them somehow laddy" said Scotty.
On the Defiant
"Sir, I'm detecting a warp signature on long range sensors. It's on a parallel course. We're being followed" said Dax.
"Cloaking device on Mr Worf." said Sisko. "Doctor, how's Odo Mack holding up?"
"Not so good I'm afraid." said Bashir
"Well do your best" said Sisko.
"Sir, that warp trail is gaining trying to identify.....Ben, it's the Rio Grande." said Dax.
"De-cloak Mr Worf and open communications" said Sisko.
"Ay sir" said Worf.
The Defiant de-cloaks and sends a hail to the Rio Grande.
"Rio Grande, this is the Defiant. What can we do for you?" said Sisko in an inquisitive voice.
"This is Captain Scott. Mr Sisko, I'm sorry to tell you this but your doctor is a changeling."
Sisko's spray on hair suddenly grew back in amazement (or punishment).
"Sisko to Bashir. Respond. Computer, locate doctor Bashir."
"Erm... He's not here" said Holly.
"What do you mean not here" said Sisko angrily.
"One of the escape pods is missing" said Holly "He must have taken that"
"You have an IQ of 6000 and you didn't notice an escape pod escaping?" said Sisko.
"It's not easy trying to run this ship you know. You never brought any crew apart from you lot on the bridge. Who do you think has maintained the rest of the ship. I'm just not appreciated" said Holly.
"I'm sorry Hol, what about Odo Mack?"
"He must have gone with the doctor." said Holly.
"Major, can you detect where the escape pod has gone?"
"Just scanning.... It appeared to enter some sort of time vortex to 2053." said Kira.
"Send a communication back to DS9, we're going in" said Sisko.
Dramatic music builds up as the Rio Grande enters a shuttle bay, a beam eminates from the Defiant and opens a vortex, then the ship moves in and disappears. View cuts to the brig on DS9 and centers on Obi-Wan.
"I feel a great disturbance in the force."
DS9 - Habitat ring
Due to budget cutbacks, the whole cast of Friends have been replaced by zoo animals, except Joey as his intelligence levels are lower than that of some zoo animals.
Chandler: Neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Ross: Roar! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Rachel: Squeak, squeak! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Chandler: Neigh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Phoebe: Squark, Polly want a cracker! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Mr Macaroni: (Various monkey sounds) <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Monica: Baaahhhh! <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Joey: (Nods his head and laughs, pretending that he knows what the conversation is about) <CANNED LAUGHTER>
Michael Jordan walks on and the crowd go wild, Hangin' With Mr Cooper style.
"Hey remember kids, a zoo animal is protected, so adopt one now to help in its upbringing. Do your part for the survival of these endangered species" says Michael Jordan.
DS9 - The Infirmary
"Doctor Bashir, what are you going to do about my missing toe?" said Quark.
"Relax Quark. I can replicate a new toe and re-attach it. What toe is it anyway?" said Bashir.
"Its the third toe of seven on the left foot" said Quark.
"Why so much detail?" asked the doctor.
"Because hu-man, Ferengi have a strange amount of toes on either foot." said Quark.
"Why?" asked Bashir.
"Look hu-man, just give me a new toe!" shouted Quark.
"OK, OK, no need to get worked up. Here, lie on the bio-bed and I'll attach this toe." said Bashir.
Quark got on the bio-bed but as he lay back, he saw that Bashir was not going to re-attach his missing toe.
7th April, 1700. In a boat at sea.
Jeri seems very keen to try it on with me now. But she is a man. What am I going to do? It's days like this you wish you were not a man.
8th April
I am in serious trouble. Jeri wants to cut off my balls and make me a woman! I'm considering jumping ship. But we're miles from anywhere. I will most certainly die. But is death better than being a woman?
9th October
Sorry there have been no diary entries but I fell asleep. Don't know much as I seem to be on a desert island, alone. Tomorrow I will begin to explore.
Voyager
"DS9 from starship Voyager. Request permission to dock" said Janeway.
"Welcome back Voyager" said Riker. "Please proceed to upper pylon 2"
Ops
"Hello there Captain" said Picard as he greeted back Janeway.
"Hello captain" said Janeway. "I bring urgent news"
"Do tell" said Picard.
"We have received word that every evil being is going back in time to destroy the earth. It is a greater threat than we first realized" said Janeway.
"I forsaw this threat" said a voice behind them all.
Everyone turned to see Obi-Wan Kenobi standing on the turbolift.
"Obi-Wan. I thought we had seen the last of you" said Riker.
"I have the force behind me" said Obi-Wan.
"That's not all you have behind you" said Harry Kim.
Obi-Wan turned around to see a giant custard monster.
"Oh no, the custard menace has found me!" screamed Obi-Wan.
Everyone in Ops ran for cover, but unfortunately, the custard monster devoured Obi-Wan whole.
"Nooooo Ben!" screamed Luke, who began shooting a laser rifle at the custard menace.
"Come on, we can't stay here. The custard menace is taking over. Everyone to the ships." ordered Picard.
Everyone ran except Riker who made a VERY dramatic pose at the camera.
"I ain't runnin' from no custard fool!" shouted BA.
"Calm it BA" said Hannibal.
"Don't worry. I'll use my Bat Custard Menace Spray" said 60's Batman.
60's Batman used the spray on the custard menace and it shrank down until all that was left standing was Quark.
"Quark, how come you are the custard menace?" asked Data.
"What? MY TOE!!!!! THAT DOCTOR BASHIR STILL HAS NOT GIVEN ME MY TOE BACK!!!" screamed Quark.
Just then the viewscreen activated and Bashir appeared.
"I see my experiment worked" said Bashir with an evil hint to his voice.
"Doctor, what do you mean?" said Janeway.
"I am not doctor Bashir. I am merely a clone. He was working on cloning himself but unfortunately for you, he only managed to clone his evil side"
"What have you done with the original Bashir?" asked Picard.
"He's safe, for now" said Bashir's clone.
"Want do you want from us?" asked Deanna Troi.
"I want to rule the universe!" shouted Bashir's clone.
"You're a madman!" said Chakotay.
"I created that custard menace and I can create more. Prepare to die!"
The viewscreen switched off and Holly re-appeared.
The holodeck on the Enterprise
"I have the perfect solution to finding out what we saw the other day Beverly" said Picard.
He opened the door to the holodeck and they both walked inside.
"Computer, create holographic representations as Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI." said Picard.
Mulder and Scully materialized from nowhere.
"Where are we?" questioned Mulder.
"Hello Mr. Mulder, Miss Scully. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard and this is Dr. Beverly Crusher. We understand you deal with matters of the paranormal."
"You could say that yes" replied Mulder "Although my partner here will tell you otherwise."
"Mulder, everything we've seen has to have a scientific explanation" said Scully.
"But Scully, after all you've seen and experienced. What about your abduction, the beings in the tunnel of files, the cigarette smoking man, everything. Why do you still refuse to believe?" said Mulder.
"Its not a case of not believing Mulder. I just need more proof, solid proof" said Scully.
"Well I'm about to give you everything you needed to know" said Picard.
"We need you to investigate something for us" said Beverly.
"Go ahead tell us all" said Mulder.
So Picard and Beverly tell their strange, but intimate encounter with the ghost of Beverly's dead husband.
"So Mulder, you think aliens are involved?" Scully said in a sarcastic manner.
Mulder looked at Scully with a look that could pierce solid steel.
"It's a very interesting, and thought provoking story" said Mulder "Sure, we'll look into it"
"Thank you. We will co-operate in any way we can" said Picard. "Now we must get back to work but with these portable holo-emmitters you can go anywhere"
Picard gave the holo-emmitters to Mulder and Scully and then they all left the holodeck.
*ninth ad break*
DS9 - The Habitat Ring
"I see him, here he comes" said a voice.
"The Messiah has arrived" said another.
Four men were crowded around a woman giving birth. Also in the room was a table with three gifts, a few shepherds, some sheep and some on-lookers.
"What shall we call him?" asked one of the men, presumably the father.
"How about Tony?" said the mother.
"Fudge that" said one of the other men.
"What about Jesus?" said the father.
"It's been done" said the second man.
"Errrr... Frank?" said the third man.
"Oh Pat, what are they doing to me Pat" said the father rubbing his eyes.
"We'll call him Shaun hey. Come along Shaun" said one of the shepherds talking to a new born sheep.
"He will be called Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Jnr." said Pat (the mother).
A small man in a gray coat walked in and says "Well done Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Jnr you are our 100th character, here is a hamper for you and your old man. Goodbye!"
"Jnr.?" questioned the first man. "You mean someone else had this fudging silly name before?"
"Hey he's named after me" said the father. "You take that comment back"
"Oh bite me" said the first man.
"Why you little.."
Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Snr. dived onto the first man and started a fight. The two other men and shepherds soon joined in and a mass brawl started.
Suddenly, Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Jnr. arose from his crib and spoke.
"Be calm" he said. "I shall lead you to peace, harmony, and wisdom"
The fighting stopped. The first man apologized to Kevin Anchorage Dave Boing Snr. and soon after, they were best of friends.
************************************************************************
DS9
Suddenly Q appeared.
"Q! What are you doing here." Shouted Picard
"Shut up Picard. I really can not be bothered with your rubbish right now. I've decided to end all this madness now!"
"What are you on about Q" asked Picard.
"Lack of good storyline and coherent character development! It's just plain RIDICULOUS!"
90s Batman tried to stop Q but he couldn't............. Because he is rubbish. The A-Team probably could have stopped Q... But they couldn't really be bothered.
*FLASHBACK* - The Delta Quadrant: Stardate Friday 22nd December.
Neelix was getting the decorations ready. It was Voyager's annual Christmas Disco. Whoopeee thought Neelix, they can all try my new pie. It's a pity it's got DEATH written all over it. Neelix laughed to himself; unbeknown to him he had been totally written out of every Star Trek script up to now. The story of when he fought off the Borg cube with a broken arm was never told, the story of when he stopped the universe flowing through a minute hole was never told - his finger still hurt now. His engineering talents were never praised by Janeway.
Neelix had designed shuttlecrafts that actually reproduce. They were stored in Cargo Bay 2 where "that woman" used to grow plants.
"Excellent" he thought to himself. "I shall kill the captain; then my shipmates will have some sort of respect for me!"
It had been arranged that before the party Janeway, Neelix and Chakotay (the Indian bum) would meet for a "spot of lunch" as Neelix put it. Here Neelix hoped Janeway and Chakotay would both meet their death <cackle>.
Janeway was going to Neelix's dinner with other things on her mind. She had plans that would make your skin curdle. The excitement of the killing excited her tremendously. That reminded her; she must visit Chakotay's quarters later.
Chakotay had decided a few weeks before that enough was enough. These Starfleet ways just weren't for him. If he became captain of a starship he knew the first thing he would do would be to employ strong people for his security team. Not dumb weaklings who couldn't even stop old women leaving their quarters!
The Mess Hall.
Neelix welcomed Captain Janeway and Big Chief Sitting Bull Chakotay to the mess hall. "I have prepared crwban pie for you. I know its both your favourites."
"Mmmm. Yes Neelix; I just loooooove Crwban Pie!!" replied Chief Walowanga Chakotay.
Neelix dished out the pie along with some cabbage, some lettuce, some cucumber and other weird foods that were Romulan (or something)! He returned to the kitchen where he picked up the wawa sticks (Shaped like chopsticks but one has a fork shape at the end the other is a cutting device).
Neelix set down his wawa sticks on his side and opposite to him where Janeway and Chakotay Warrior were sitting. The Talaxian observed the two high ranking officers as they ate. Suddenly Janeway held her throat and her head fell to the table. Chief Chakotay looked at Neelix in amazement as his head fell onto one of the wawa sticks (the forked one to be pecific). Neelix jumped for joy as he saw what was happening before him.
He shouted "Hurrah! Now I shall be captain and take this ship back to Talaxia where I will treat all the crew as slaves aboard my slave boat."
"No you diddly darned will not!" Chakotay Bull bolted up; pulling the fork from his forehead. "Me and Kathryn plan to take this ship to the nearest inhabitable planet and breed corgi dogs."
"That's right!" Neelix looked astonished as Janeway shot up. Hair covered in spaghetti, but still well kempt. "Kempt is a word!" shouted Odo. "Go away Odo. You are not in this scene" said Harry Kim "Oops." Said Harry Kim and dissapeared!
"Me and Chakootylumps have had a thing going on since the start. We always planned to breed Corgi dogs together." Said Janeway.
Neelix was lost for words, so he said "But I poisoned your PIE! How did you survive."
Chakotay Sitting Man on Smoke Pole looked at Janeway and said "We switched the plates!"
Neelix grabbed hold of his throat and fell to the ground choking as he falls. Chakotay turned to Janeway and smoke signalled to her "N-O-W <space> W-E <space> C-A-N <space> B-R-E-E-D <space> C-O-R-G-I-S <space> S-T-O-P."
"This isn't a telegram Riker" said Janeway
"Hey! My name isn't Riker" replied Chakka
"I didn't call you that!"
"You did!"
"I didn't"
"Always so smug" shouted Chakka Dakka. "Well If you want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth then here it is. Sitting Bull Chakka Dakka whips out a long pole and impales Janeway. Janeway looks up to see Chakotay with his arm around Neelix.
"Me and Neelix..." starts Robert Beltran.
"Neelix and I" cries Janeway. Vomit and mucus fly out of her mouth and nose. "Chakotay. You must always get your grammer right. Promise me you'll always remember to get your grammer right!"
"Err.." replies Chakotay.
"Promise ME!!!!!!" shouts Janeway.
"O.K. I promise mom!" says Chakotay.
"MOM!" Shouts Neelix.
"Yes" says Chakka III Son of Sitting Bull VIII of Yaracum. "Janeway is my mother!"
Neelix falls to the floor the last remnants of the poison are starting to take their natural course. Janeway watched the body of Neelix fade and turn yellow. They must have been there for hours, Janeway called for the holo-doc and laughed.
"Fancy a traditional Indian recipe in my quarters" asked Chakka.
"Sure." Replied Janeway
"I know of a lovely Indian recipe. Curry!"
The viewer sees the couple freeze. Their mouths open in laughter. A plaque above the door says IN REMEMBERANCE OF :A FORIEGN SHORT STORY 1997. A blonde Q appears and says simply "THIS IS WORSE THAN BEFORE..... Let the mayhem commence." With a click of Her fingers the original storyline is intact. No questions asked OK!
DS9 - Let the mayhem commence
The 90's Batman fell on the floor as the Q dissapeared. Everyone said he was rubbish so he left the station, never to be seen again. For years speculation was rife about where Batman had ended up. Some said he had gone back to Arkansas to become a chicken farmer, some said he had just flown aimlessly through a wormhole and some said he had gone to Quark's bar.
"This is Starfleet" said the public address system around DS9. "Some little birdie has told us that Earth has been over-run in the past. We need you Sisko, Janeway, Picard, Kirk, Jake!". "Hello!" said Jake, then left.
"The crews of the Enterprise, Voyager and the ENTERPRISE should all report back to earth immediately."
A small man with an overzealous moustache walked down the promenade saying: "This bodes some strange eruption... This bodes some strange eruption... This bodes some strange eruption..." over and over again.
"Last ship to Earth is a tart!" shouted Picard. The crews of all three ships started running towards their ships.
San Fransisco, Earth: Starship Poopers!
A long line of only the very best good guys was lined up in front of Sergeant Bosco Baracus. He had been allocated probably one of the worst teams available: The guy off Innerspace who gets the needle stuck in his ass, The woman from Short Circuit, some Danish cartoon superhero, Bertie Bassett and many other assorted characters.
"Hey! Any of you fools think you can take me on... fools." Shouted BA.
Only one man stepped forwards: Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Hacksaw simply said "I do."
"Ok. Fool. You. Crazy fool. Come on."
Anyway to cut a short story long...
BA got the first blow straight into Hacksaw's stomach. Hacksaw threw BA to the canvas but BA rose quickly knocked Hacksaw to the ground. He finished Jim Duggan off by climbing to the top rope and jumping on his head; not quite killing him.
The stars of M*A*S*H came onto the scene. Everybody clapped as they got on with their work. The woman from Short Circuit noticed that they all looked quite old now.
"Right all you crazy fools left over. The next crazy stage, fool, knife throwing."
"Why do you need knifes when you can use your special powers?" asked the Danish cartoon supehero.
"Put your hand against the wall. Fool." Shouted BA. "This is why!"
BA took a knife from his belt and threw it at the Danish cartoon supehero's hand. It veered off to the left and hit The guy off Innerspace in the eye. He screamed in agony and fell to the floor.
There is a long pause and..
"Because you can't use your superhuman powers with no face fooool."
George Clooney came onto the set to treat the guy off Innerspace.
Just then four black helicopters flew overhead. George looked up and new
something was wrong, this was the end. George instinctively ran, over
the hills and far away, until he came to a beach, a beautiful beach with
one or two huts speckled around the edges of the sand, this beach looked
rather muggy, messy. The large statue did it for him, it was too much,
he bent down to his knees and faced the sky and... laughed.
THE END
Written by Gavin Amos and Steven Gabb
