How To Cure Your Drinking Problem

If your are experiencing problems with your drinking you may find the following
list of problems and remedy's of some use to you !

[*] Problem: Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Front of shirt
is wet.
Reason: Mouth not open while drinking, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Remedy: Buy another Pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as
many Pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfected.

[*]Problem: Drink fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Beer is unusually
pale and clear.
Reason: Glass empty.
Remedy: Find someone who will buy you another Pint.

[*]Problem: Peanuts are unusually tasteless and difficult to chew.
Reason: You are eating your remaining money.
Remedy: Try and save any notes. Loudly accuse the bar of giving you counterfeit
money.

[*]Problem: Feet cold and wet.
Reason: Glass being held at wrong angle.
Remedy: Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing upwards.

[*]Problem: Feet warm and wet.
Reason: Loss of self control.
Remedy: Go and stand next to the nearest dog. After a while complain to the
owner and demand a Pint in compensation.

[*]Problem: Bar blurred.
Reason: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Remedy: See remedy No. 2.

[*]Problem: Bar swaying.
Reason: Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in progress.
Remedy: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

[*]Problem: Bar moving.
Reason: You are being carried out.
Remedy: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not complain loudly
that you are being kidnapped.

[*]Problem: The barmaid dressed in the green uniform refuses to talk to you.
Reason: You are talking to the rubberplant.
Remedy: If you are sitting on a barstool then you are probably at the bar
already. Turn around and try again.

[*]Problem: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and
has light fittings in it.
Reason: You have fallen over backwards.
Remedy: If your glass is full and no-one is standing on your drinking arm, stay
put. If not get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

[*]Problem: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of cigarette butts
and broken teeth.
Reason: You have fallen over forwards.
Remedy: As for the previous problem.

[*]Problem: You feel sharp pains in your rear.
Reason: You are standing too close to the pool table.
Remedy: Ask to have the pool table moved.

[*]Problem: Everything is going dark.
Reason: The pub is closing.
Remedy: (a) Panic (b) Find another pub (c) Run to the bottle shop

[*]Problem: You wake up and find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see
your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Reason: You've spent the night in the gutter.
Remedy: Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself
to a sleep in.