The Jokes Page
And now,
Ways to annoy the person next to you in a public library
53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!
54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to everyone, "I have mail!!"
55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"
56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.
58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.
59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"
60. Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask what, say, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."
61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."
62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."
63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"
64. Say, "Who's Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.
65. Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"
So here are some pick-up lines that work every time!!!!
1. I'm no glass of milk but i can still do your body good.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk by you again?
3. Walk up to a guy/girl and say, " Excuse me, I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?"
4.-guy: you must be jamaican!
---girl: why?
---guy: cause jamaican me crazy.
5. Girls, this is for those guys that need a drool bucket:
***Don't look at me like your mother never fed you***
6. You don't sweat much for a fat chick
Be sure to read through to the bottom...
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Personal adds key
Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them.
Well for those of you that have tried to figure out what those descriptions really mean, one of our subscribers has done it for you!
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
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THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Well there you have it, truth in advertising!
Speeding
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peepthis whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Actual Titles of 'Country' Songs . . . yee-haw y'all
1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The CarDon't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
I Read You Loud And Clear...
Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.
If Men TRULY Ran The World...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. other's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
----Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
----You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
----Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
"You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
A Fable...
There was a boy who was born with no body.
He only had a head. One day he met a genie and he said he could have a
wish.
So the boy wished that he could have a full body. POOF!
The boy got a body. He was so excited he went home to tell his parents.
On the way home he ran in front of a car and died.
Moral of the story: Quit while you're a head.
The Blonde and the Cute Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,"352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
God will help me
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river.
Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town,
and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there,
a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time,
another boat comes along and the person in that one tells
Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.
Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the
helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.
Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.
What else did you want?"
Little Johnny was walking down the street. He noticed something shiny in the middle of the road. "Hey look," he said to his friend, "it's a quarter!" His friend rushed into the middle of the street and got run over by a car. Little Johnny laughed and laughed "Ha ha, it was only a nickel!"
Jokes4U wonders how many stupid people does it take to change a lightbulb?
14, 1 to hold the bulb and 13 to turn him round and round!
Can you imagine working for the following company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse.
- 7 have been arrested for fraud
- 19 have been accused of passing bad checks.
- 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.
- 3 have been arrested for assault.
- 71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.
- 14 have been arrested on drug related charges.
- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
- 21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.
- In 1998 alone , 84 were stopped for drunk driving.
Can you guess what organization this is? Give up?
It is the 535 members of the U.S. Congress that work for me and you.
The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
THE IRATE CUSTOMER
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea whoI am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her publicaddress microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glaredat the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
CITY TALK
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said:
"So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than
to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where y'all from, b*t*h?"
IDIOTS STAND UP
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."