"And so it is with utmost regret that I must report that our baby was stolen by gypsies in the night."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Heh heh."
 - Beavis & Butthead

"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own."
- Harry S. Truman

"To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest."
- Mohandas K. Ghandi

"An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing."
- Lyall Sargent

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
- Albert Einstein

"Things turn out best for those that make the best of the way things turn out."
- Art Linkletter

"People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them."
- Anatole France

"Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The "sure thing" boat never gets far from shore."
- Dale Carnegie

"I cannot help the fact -- I am God"
- Lyall Sargent

"Why make trillions when we can make, billions?"
- Dr. Evil

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein (1875-1955)

"Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much."
- John Wayne

"It is better to be faithful than famous."
- Theodore Roosevelt

"You know how you're always wishing and wondering that you knew what he was thinking or feeling, what he thought about this and that? And they never want to tell you, or talk about it, and when you ask, they get mad or uncomfortable or irritable.  Well, for once, I rarely need to ask. I'm just told, and its wonderful."
- Jess

"Then again, there I was, Disney songs just do it for me, what can I say?"
- Jess

"Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level."
- Max L. Forman

"I am not bound to please thee with my answer."
- William Shakespeare

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendoza

"I don't have time to be efficient!"
- Lyall Sargent

"Melanie, you make me royally pissed off."
- Phil Stel

"The future sucks. Change it."
"I'm way cool Beavis, but I cannot change the future."
- Beavis & Butthead

"Everything I know, I learned from my Dad."
"Yeah. Me too."
"Really? You both have the same dad?"
"We don't know. It's possible."
- Beavis & Butthead

"Closure."
- Jess

"Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?" 
- Jerry Seinfeld

"Fish... What do they do?" 
"What do you do?" 
- George and Elaine 

"There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character." 
- Jerry Seinfeld

"If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades." 
- George 

"I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum." 
- George 

"You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.  Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place." 
- Jerry 

"The train was so crowded, I had to sit in a seat facing the wrong way." 
"Oh, I like that. It's like going back in time." 
- Rachel and Jerry 

"Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?" 
"I couldn't look. It was like a Pekinese." 
"Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool." 
- Jerry and Elaine 

"Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back." 
"Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?" 
"C'mon, and I'll rub some on you." 
"That's not sweetening the deal." 
- Kramer and Jerry 

"Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now.  Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!" 
- George 

"Do women know about shrinkage?" 
"What do you mean, like laundry?" 
"No..." 
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..." 
"It shrinks?" 
"Like a frightened turtle." 
"Why does it shrink?" 
"It just does." 
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things." 
- George, Elaine and Jerry 

"Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..." 
"But what?" 
"Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold..." 
"Oh, you mean... Shrinkage." 
"Yes. Significant shrinkage." 
"So you feel you were shortchanged." 
"Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me." 
- George and Jerry 

"I hate words."
"Words suck."
"If I wanted to read, I'd go to school."
- Beavis & Butthead

"I'm telling you, the jig is up." 
"It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've started this jig." 
"It was a good jig." 
"It was a bad jig. A terrible terrible jig." 
- George and Jerry 

"Let's just jump out of the car." 
"We're doing sixty miles per hour." 
"So, we jump and roll. You won't get hurt." 
"Who are you, Mannix?" 
- George and Jerry 

"You took a cab?" 
"Yeah, so?" 
"How much do you make?" 
"I'm not telling you." 
"Ah, c'mon, I'll tell you how much I make." 
"I know how much you make." 
- Kramer and Elaine 

"Did you see the way she was looking at me?" 
"She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!" 
"I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi, though." 
- George and Jerry 

"Something wrong with your arm?" 
"Uh yeah, actually, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something and now it sort of moves involuntarily." 
- Lloyd and George 

I can't run. I have a bad hamstring." 
"How'd that happen?" 
"I hurt it in a hotel room. You know the way they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like
that, so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it." 
- George and Jerry 

"Hammers are cool."
"Yeah, I like to take hammers, and just break stuff, just break stuff."
- Beavis & Butthead

"If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here." 
- Jerry

"We can look you in the eye and talk to you about life, heart, love, rock 'n' roll, whatever, but we do not have the moral authority to tell people how to vote or what to do to their bodies. We're just a rock band."
- Billy Corgan

Billy: "All we have is our music, our legions of fans, our millions of dollars, and our youth ...Woo hoo!"
James: "Let's go buy fur coats."
- Smashing Pumpkins (Simpsons)

"If the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride." 
- Kramer

"If you play this stuff backwards, it says 'This sucks!'"
- Beavis & Butthead

"You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that
there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot."
"The coup de toe!" 
- George and Jerry

"And he's not a pig-man, is he?"
"No he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient." 
- George and Kramer

"Are your shakes real or are they made from shake mix?"
"Yeah, heh heh hmmh heh heh"
"I asked you a question, are they real or shake mix?"
"Yeah, heh heh hmmh heh heh"
"Look, where's your manager?"
"Uh, huh huh, I'm an assistant manager."
"I asked a simple quesiton, are your shakes real or made from shake mix?"
"Uh, we have vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."
- Beavis & Butthead

"You know where I got the title for "Mayonaise"? I looked in my refrigerator."
- Billy Corgan

"What's the matter?" 
"I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork." 
"Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that." 
- Jerry and Elaine 

"For a 6-foot-3 guy with no hair and a whiny voice, I've done all right"
- Billy Corgan

"If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practice?"
- Billy Corgan

"Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat." 
"Oh, guess again, tubby." 
- Jerry and Kramer 

"My whole life is a lie." 
- George 

"I didn't like high school. They didn't treat me well. I had to work and I had to explain to my teachers why I wasn't keeping up. I'd fall asleep in class and they'd lecture me about the reality of their classroom. I said one day, "You want to see my reality?" I opened up my backpack to where you usually keep your pencils. That's where I kept my bills... electric bills, rent...that was my reality."
- Eddie Vedder

"In high school I worked in a drug store. I'd be underneath some shelf putting price tags on tomato soup and I'd watch them come in, obnoxious with their prom outfits on, buying condoms and being loud about it. Maybe I would have been doing that too, if the circumstances were different... Maybe that would have made me more forgiving, but I wasn't very forgiving at all. Everything was just such a struggle for years."
- Eddie Vedder

"You don't eat Oreos? The way you break 'em open and.... It's like you're having sex with 'em." 
- Kramer

"If postmodernism is about people opening up all their skeletons, I'm going
the other way, I don't want anyone to know anything about me anymore." 
- Billy Corgan

"You write a song about a chandelier, and the chandelier gives off light, and
the light is the color red, and red reminds you of the color that you're not
supposed to wear around a bull, so you name the song 'Cow'." 
- Billy Corgan

"Michael Jordan is the man. Not only is he the most gifted athlete in sports, he's also the most determined. That's an amazing combination, because usually the two don't go together. It's like pretty girls and brains."
- Billy Corgan

"What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take x-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?"  "I don't know what kind of person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person, a very immature person, a person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time." 
- George and a doctor 

"Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious." 
- George

"Most musicians suck. I have a very down opinion of musicians. Because most musicians' heads aren't on straight. It's usually about technique, when it should be about creativity." 
- Billy Corgan

"I enjoy understanding." 
- George 

"I could raise enough money to cure polio." 
- Kramer, discussing a charity bachelor auction. 

"And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals." 
- Jerry, to Elaine

I'm glad that I'm such a good rhymer,
Better than being a social climber,
Just because I'm a bit brighter,
Than some fucking writer.
- Fax Billy Corgan sent to a reporter who said SP sucked.

"Mr. Buzzcut! Mr. Buzzcut!"
"Yes, Butthead?"
"I can't do this assignment. I'm dietetic."
- Beavis & Butthead

"They can't shoot us in the city." 
"Naah, no one's ever been shot in the city." 
- George and Jerry 

"The weird nihilism that permeates Mellon Collie is extremely relevant to what's going on right now. So many kids are intelligent and articulate, but they don't know what to do with themselves."
- Billy Corgan

"There's always been something very strange about Jerry. Always so clean and organized." 
- Kramer 

"In 1991, we were competing with the real deal. Now we're competing with Nirvana mimics."
- Billy Corgan

"I don't like interviews. Every time someone tries to take my picture, I put my head down. I have a problem with everything.  The whole success thing. Everyone is a lot happier with it than me. They roll with it, enjoy it even. I can't seem to do that.  I'm just not that happy a person."
- Eddie Vedder

"Yes, I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled." 
- George 

"I still haven't heard about that job." 
"Yeah, that's a tough one. What are you gonna do about that?" 
"I have an idea." 
"Yeah?" 
"I show up." 
"Whattya mean, you show up?" 
"I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced." 
"Hmmmmm.... Not bad." 
"What's the worst thing that could happen?" 
"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs." 
"Yeah, so?" 
"Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with." 
- George and Jerry 

"When I think of famous, I think of serial killers or politicians. I think being in a band is just an excuse to not work."
- Billy Corgan

"I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. No. He's just neat." 
- Elaine 

"About six months ago, I listened to Siamese Dream. That was the first time I'd ever really heard my own album, because I had separated from the experience of making the record. And it really moved me. It made me cry, it's so beautiful."
- Billy Corgan

"So what do you do there all day?" 
"They gave me the Pensky file." 
- Jerry and George 

"I'd like to have shoehorn hands." 
- Kramer 

"I don't even want to discuss how many people told me that making an album with 28 songs at this point in our career was crazy. Everyone, including the people at our record label, wanted us to just take a nice, safe path, and produce another album like Siamese Dream. My attitude was just the opposite. Thankfully, it hasn't turned out to badly."
- Billy Corgan

"When people ask what this album was like, I use the word 'arcane,' 'cause I think that it seems to sum up the music best. It¹s kind of like music from the past, but done in a futuristic way. And I think there's natural elements on the album and there are synthetic elements on the album." 
- Billy Corgan on Adore

"I think people are going to be surprised by the kind of reversal in a lot of ways, but the people that say it's acoustic will be wrong. The people that say it's electronic will be wrong. The people that say it's a Pumpkins' record will be wrong. I will try to make something that is indescribable." 
- Billy Corgan on Adore

"I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it." 
- Newman 

"Look, I'm saying what I want to say, and if you don't fucking like it, too fucking bad."
- Billy Corgan

"Look at him! He's grotesque!" 
"You think?" 
"Do I think? He's repugnant!" 
- Kramer and Elaine, discussing Jerry 

"We're like a really nice drink. We help people get through the day--we make life a little sunnier. I don't think we have any profound effect. If anybody has had a profound effect, it's the Beatles, and their effect is still minimal. There are things in the world way more important than music. Family is 50 times more important than music."
- Billy Corgan

"Flush twice!" 
- Jerry, to Newman

"In college they used to call me 'The Little Bulldog'." 
- George 

"A few months ago I went back and listened to it for the first time in a couple of years, and I was surprised at how good it was [laughs], if you know what I mean. It's kind of an artistic thing to dismiss everything you've done before so that you can move on, and I really did that, really hard, after that album. When I went back to listen to it, I forgot about all of the head traumas I went through at the time."
- Billy Corgan on Gish

"Gish was the best representation of where we were at the time."
- Billy Corgan

"If the next record is no better than Gish, then we've failed." 
- Billy Corgan