Blowjob etiquette. Written by a woman:
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -. get
it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like
shit so no, I don't feel particularly
obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and
leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my
behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the
moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also
rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't
care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I
have to "kiss it good morning".